It’s been almost a week since my psych breakdown. I’ve pretty much put the pieces back together. I’m going to bed earlier and have given up all caffeine for the last few days. I do sleep a lot again and I do occasionally get minor headaches. I hope the headaches are more from stress than caffeine withdrawal.
I do get out of my apartment a little everyday. I bought groceries and gas over the weekend. Had been putting that off for too long. Since the weather has turned cool I have been eating a lot of higher carb things like spaghetti and rice. I always did better in colder weather than the heat of the summer. I always did enjoy hunkering under a blanket and reading for hours on end.
I’m still reading many science and tech sites. Some days I have to remind myself that things like this are being attempted in the here and now all over the world and that it’s not a sci fi tv series. I saw things like driverless cars, urban farming, and portable computers only in comic books as a kid in the 1980s. Even our natural disasters, we are able to predict major storms days in advanced and organize rescue and humanitarian aid within hours. As bad as these recent hurricanes, forest fires, and earthquakes have been, in past eras they could have been much worse. I don’t know if I’m being overly optimistic, but I have spent much of my early years being a pessimist. I gave pessimism up once I figured out that most of what I worried about was more manageable then I previously thought. Anxiety is often worse than the actual problem itself.
Overall I’m feeling pretty decent considering how rough last week turned out. Even though I leave my apartment everyday, I don’t socialize much in person. I try to avoid social media as I have found some of my friends and family I enjoy talking to are now avoiding it too. I have enough going on in my schizophrenia stressed mind to deal with anyone else’s problems. I have to take care of myself before I can help out anyone.
Been feeling quite stable the last several days. I still have my flare ups of anxiety and irritability but fortunately they are not as intense as they once were. I’m beginning to reduce some of the doses of my medications as I tend to do well mentally in the late fall and winter months. I’m even not as irritable about Christmas this year. I see people are already putting up their decorations. I haven’t decorated for holidays in years. I just don’t see the need to. I will no doubt continue to avoid the mall and the big box stores during the holidays as I can now do all my shopping online. Thank God for amazon and the postal service.
I did a little Christmas shopping for myself already in the way of a couple new books and a couple computer games. I don’t usually go all out for the holidays being on a limited budget. I don’t buy a lot of gifts for people for Christmas simply because I usually don’t have that much money. But then again, even Jesus hasn’t gotten Christmas gifts in 2000 years. Must be rough that everybody but you gets gifts on your designated birthday. No wonder practitioners of other faiths think Christians are odd 🙂
I have found myself eating less over the last week or so. I usually eat two meals a day and drink lots of water and caffeine between meals. Even though caffeine can make me irritable in large doses, it does act as an appetite reducer for me. It’s not necessarily a bad deal as I haven’t had to buy groceries in three weeks. I’m eating less, sleeping less than usual (but I don’t feel tired or sluggish), getting outside more often in spite the colder weather, and genuinely feeling better than I did this summer and early fall.
As of right now I don’t have any plans for Thanksgiving. My cousins already had theirs and my aunts are going to their kids’ places. It may be just myself this year again. I opted out of Thanksgiving last year as I wasn’t feeling mentally stable and didn’t want to have problems around my brother’s kids. I probably should volunteer at one of the community Thanksgiving dinners that groups like the Knights of Columbus or the local food pantry puts on. One year my entire extended family and I volunteered at a community dinner in my hometown. Found out there were more shut ins and family less people than I thought. But if it is just me I just may go to the KFC and buy one of their large family meals the night before and live off that for a day or two. A friend of mine traditionally has lobster instead of turkey.
Even though I may not be doing anything really special for the holidays I can always call or video conference with family and friends. Thanks to the internet and social media platforms if you don’t stay in contact with friends and family it’s your own doing. I’ve been getting back on Facebook more now that the hoopla of the election has finally died down. Regardless of whether I go to my mother’s place or not I’ll definitely make a point of keeping in touch with my parents. I talk to my parents usually twice a week even though I’m in my mid thirties. I talk to them more now than when I was in my late teens and twenties. I don’t know what it is but they seem more interesting now and less domineering now then when I was in high school. But I suppose since I don’t live in the same town and have proven I can be on my own for a dozen years it’s like they’re more old and wise friends rather than the authority figures they were when they were when I still lived in their house.
I just hope I never catch myself complaining about the younger generations when I get older. I’m seeing my friends in my age bracket complaining about teenagers and college students and I’m thinking “Dude, that was us twenty years ago. We didn’t know anything back then and we still turned out alright. Ease off.” If I ever find myself complaining about the “kids” and/or talking about how much better it was in the past, I hope someone comes along and slaps some sense back into me. I remember what it was like being a kid and listening to the elders complain about me and my cohorts. And back then I promised myself I would never voluntarily put anyone younger than I am through that. It sucks not being taken serious because of your youth. It sucks not being taken serious because of my mental illness. But that is a topic for another place and time.
My back is essentially healed up by now. I can walk normal speed again and do my normal errands. I’m spending more time out of the apartment. Been to the park a couple times in the last week, chatted with a few neighbors, called a couple old friends, and gotten some sunshine. This was a far cry from where I was just three weeks ago. When I first hurt my back I didn’t leave my apartment for three days just from the pain. Fortunately I managed to keep myself occupied with computer games, reading, youtube videos, phone calls to friends and family, and watching soccer and basketball on tv.
I was following the Copa America tournament over the last several days. Been watching a little of the Euro 2016 tournament too. I saw all of USA’s games. I haven’t traditionally made it a point to watch much soccer except when USA is playing. I may be changing that as the US put up a decent showing until when they ran into Argentina. It helps that I have a nine year old nephew and a seven year old niece who are big soccer players. My brother encourages his four kids to do numerous activities. He won’t let them play football but I don’t blame him, especially with all the injuries. I hurt my back in a football game when I was fifteen and I couldn’t sit without pain for months afterward. Yet I didn’t tell the coaches or even my parents. I suppose it went with the whole macho mentality that pain is just a part of football. Plus playing football was the only thing I did in high school that most people considered normal. The older I get the more I feel guilty about watching football. It’s essentially people maiming themselves for my amusement. But I guess it’s not as bad as ancient Romans cheering while lions eat Christians. It’s just not as entertaining as it was ten to twenty years ago.
I still like baseball though. Don’t watch it every night like I used to. Even then I usually had it on in the background while I was doing chores, writing, reading, or doing something on my computer. I still participate in a fantasy baseball league with some old college friends and friends of friends. I met most of those guys when I was at Matt’s wedding in the Black Hills last July. So I finally got to meet some of the guys I’ve only known by their screen names. It is a competitive league but no money changes hands. And my Rockies are doing a little better than normal, just slightly below fifty-fifty.
I may have been limited for the last few weeks but I still managed to keep busy. And now that the back is cleared up I’ll be able to do even more. Fortunately I haven’t had any flare ups of the mental illness in the last month. I haven’t had any true flare ups since late March actually. The one main medication I am on was shown by the DNA test I took to be more effective than most for me. It certainly has proven that. I’m reading more again. I had been lazy about reading for a couple weeks when my back hurt real bad. I was watching educational videos on youtube and reading blogs instead. But it does feel good to see things falling back into place after weeks of hard work and rehabilitation.
Been on the mend from a bad back for a week and a half. Today was a good day. I was able to get outside a few times today and get a little sunshine. I’m still doing the ibuprofen and ice. I walk short distances every few hours to break up the boredom. My back is much better than this time a week ago. But it will probably be another few days of ice and rest before I’m back to normal.
Fortunately I’ve managed to keep from slipping into prolonged depression during these last several days. Haven’t had hallucinations or delusions either. Been playing more computer games and watching more youtube in the last week than I really wanted. I had to get outside a few times today. I needed to rework my legs a little. My back has healed enough that I can walk short distances with no problem. I can’t do my serious walking and exercise routines yet. But I do what I can. I have another chiropractic appointment tomorrow afternoon. Hopefully won’t need much more. I can tell the back is much better now. I see that a return to normal is within sight.
Had several rougher days than normal lately. One of those days involved a bad episode where I was close to checking myself into the local psych hospital. Fortunately one way for me to break out of bad episodes is to just talk my way out of them with friends and family, literally allowing myself to speak out of my distress. It is a tough process for all involved but it does work, at least in my case. I do not recommend this for most people because there can be many hurt feelings on the part of support people, friends and family. I think the reason it works for my case is that I grew up in a stable family who would drop everything for one of their own at a moment’s notice. My family handles these problems like champions and saints. I don’t know how they do it without taking these episodes personal. After I’ve burned myself out I make it a point to tell them that it’s nothing personal and I’m sorry for what happened.
Saw my psych doctor on Monday afternoon. We added a new psych medication and a temporary medication to aid in sleeping. Haven’t been sleeping terribly well lately either. The psych issues and the sleep problems just feed on each other no doubt. But I’m a couple days into a recovery. Things look promising again. I hope things keep going better. I’ll keep you posted as I document these last rough several days and my attempts at recovery.