Things have been more or less consistent the last several days. I’m still getting out and exercising as I’m breaking in a new pair of heavy duty hiking boots most days. Started lifting weights at least 3 times per week again. Still working through educational programs and khanacademy.org . Been watching shameless amounts of old tv shows through Netflix. I’ve plowed through half of season 1 of Star Trek: Enterprise just in the last week. In short things have been going pretty good and steady for 90 percent of the time.
Sadly, I still have that 10 percent of the time that still causes me problems. Many of these problems are partly due to a new neighbor in my complex. This man has been irritable to almost everyone in our complex. I refuse to go into details but this individual is the angriest and most closed minded man I have ever met. He doesn’t believe in mental illness at all. I will say no more.
I haven’t filed any complaints against this tenant because I’ve previously filed complaints against tenants that we’re being uncivil with no results. Usually problems like these have wound up being solved when these tenants would move or get evicted over violating terms of the lease. I’ve been at my current apartment for several years and I have had problem neighbors come and I’ve seen problem neighbors go. Nothing new.
It bothers me at times and sometimes provokes emotions ranging from mild irritability to a nagging sense of anger. I don’t enjoy having these nagging senses of anger. I’m not a confrontational or violent man by nature. And confronting others will only make things worse. I refuse to get evicted or committed over annoying and irritable people who will, in time, get a massive dose of karma courtesy of their own actions. As uncomfortable as that nagging sense of anger is, I just allow it to pass in a controlled and limited burn. I no longer try to force myself to be happy nor do I fear this anger anymore. What I do instead is allow myself to feel angry without acting on it. I don’t fear getting angry because I have the good sense to let it go gradually and constructively rather than allow it build up for days. Just because I feel anger doesn’t mean I’m going to act on it. I enjoy having the escape valve of free will and self control.
Learning to manage anger with schizophrenia is not a skill that can be learned in one day. It is a trial and error process that is ongoing and never ending. I am much better at it now than I was 15 years ago. And I plan on being much better than I am now with the passing of another 15 years. Feeling anger is not bad or evil. It is how anger is channeled or acted on that determines whether anger is constructive or destructive. It is also important to note that what we do send out will come back on us over a long enough time line. Or as one of my college friends crassly put it “Karma’s got a large boot and kicks asses harder than we can.”