Signs That I Am No Longer Young

My complex went back on lockdown until further notice starting a couple days ago. So, no more mass gatherings unless they are outside. I won’t be able to spend time in the complex library or commons area for awhile. We had a few people in here who tested positive within the last couple weeks, one of whom a close friend of mine. So glad I held onto my extra facemasks and sanitizer sprays.

Yet, in spite of the pile up of bad news, I’m going off subject for this post. I’m going to try to make a light hearted list of signs that I am no young. This isn’t by any means a complete list. So here goes.

Signs I Am No Longer Young

I get junk mail from AARP weekly

The highlights of my week often involve my cleaning lady showing up and appointments with my psych doctor

I get more joy now from a bowl of cheese soup and chatting with my best friends than I ever did going to bars and chasing women

I have zero time for drama but factor in time for aches and pains

I used to drink an average of six cups of coffee per day in my mid twenties. Now I drink maybe six cups per month

I’m not embarassed to talk about mental health issues

I have no problem asking for help

I have no problem with taking people up on their offers to help. You want to help? Fine with me. I’m putting your butt to work and I won’t feel a shred of guilt for it.

I remember when social media was fun

I remember when teenagers were called angsty slackers and not triggered snowflakes.

I remember when the Pepperidge Farm guy was a real guy and not a cartoon meme.

I learned about sex from my buddies’ stolen Playboys and Victoria’s Secret catalogs

I was scared to talk about my mental illness with even my best friends for the first five years of my diagnosis.

I got interested in economics and geopolitics by Ross Perot in 1992

Most of the musicians I admired in my teens and twenties are dead, many of whom died quite young.

I remember when people were freaking about AIDS like they are now over covid

I watched the trials of O.J. Simpson and Oliver North

I was in high school before DNA evidence was considered reliable

I used a firearm before I learned to drive or shave

I was angry at my dad because he wouldn’t let me use the lawnmower until I was eight years old

The only person I know personally below the age of 55 who has worked for the same company for over twenty years is my brother.

I remember when college graduates having over 25k in student loans was a big deal

When people with law degrees or MBAs were not waiting tables or Uber drivers

When gig work was seen as a supplement and not a necessity

When you didn’t have to be independently wealthy to afford a house outside of the ghetto or rural America.

When corporations weren’t considered legal people. I mean, does Amazon have a favorite ethnic restaurant? Is Coors Brewing a big baseball fan and, if so, why do the Rockies stink every year? Are J.P. Morgan and Coco Chanel having an extramarrital affair? If so, does Apple have the selfies and is threating to share them with Twitter and Tik Tok?

Too many parents of today are overprotective of their kids. Same parents (and myself) were not supervised or protected at all while growing up in the 80s and 90s. Balance, people, balance.

I get good memories from hearing the theme songs to “X-Files”, “Daria”, “Cops”, “Resident Evil”, and “Jackass”

I’m old enough to remember when “The Simpsons” was just as good as “South Park”

I remember when crime dramas were as popular as superhero movies are today

A few of my friends thought they could commit the perfect crime because they watched every episode of CSI, The Sopranos, and Cops

I remember when the Bulls and Knicks had great teams

These are just a few. I’ve gone on too long already. I’ll be sure to post more in the future

Things I Wish I Knew At Age 18

I’m going to be celebrating my 41st birthday next week. A lot has changed over just the course of my life. The fact that I can send out my random rants into something called The Internet and have them available to anyone who has what is essentially a pocket sized super computer that happens to make phone calls is still mind boggling. The subject of this post is the things I wish I knew about life when I was 18 rather than having to learn them through hard experience. So here goes

Things I Wish I Knew At Age 18

In many ways, work is easier than school. At least with work, you get paid for your trouble. And you don’t have to deal with the completely random assortment of jerks, losers, morons, and bullies that you are assigned to just because of your age and where you live. At work, most people are there because they have skills the job demands. And, no, you aren’t expected to make friends at work.

You don’t have to get married and have children to have a fulfilling life. You don’t even have to have a successful career to be fulfilled.

It’s probably best if you don’t get all of your fulfillment from your job. The most interesting people I’ve ever known hate their jobs but made up for it with their hobbies, church groups, community activities, etc.

It isn’t necessary to have a high paying job to make lots of money, especially if you are smart about things like debts and investing. Lots of people make six figures yet are only a missed paycheck away from being behind in their lease or rent. Some of the richest people I ever knew never owned expensive houses, took vacations to foreign countries, or drove anything more luxurious than a new Dodge Ram pickup truck.

Take care of your joints, especially your knees. You’ll miss those when they go bad.

Routine maintenance on EVERYTHING. It doesn’t matter if it’s your house, your car, your physical and mental health, your friendships, your marriage, etc. It will allow you to correct minor problems before they become major crises.

You can tell the truth all the time and some people will still think you’re a liar.

Many people stopped developing mentally and emotionally as teenagers. In fact, I know many adults who have worse morals and make worse decisions then teenagers and college students.

Elders will always complain about the “damn kids.” The only way to avoid doing this when you become an elder yourself is to consciously fight against it on a daily basis. The same people complaining about Billie Eilish and Ariana Grande where the same people rocking out to Rage Against The Machine and Marilyn Manson back in the 90s.

If you want to find out what someone is really like, give them power and money.

Some people will always fight against change. They are usually only delaying the inevitable.

Some people will never be pleased.

Some of your worst critics will be family members, friends, and neighbors.

The only real constant in life is change.

Things I’m Looking Forward To In The Future

I’m composing of list of things that probably will be coming within the next generation or so that I am looking forward to. My entire life I’ve been accused of being too much of a dreamer and having false hopes. I’ve even had people tell me I think long term too much. I’ve always been bothered by how short sighted most people, at least in my culture, seem to be. But here goes with the list.

Things I’m Looking Forward To In The Future

People back on the Moon

People on Mars

5G tech

3D printed houses

Eradication of malaria

Seeing people my age and younger in places of power, wealth, and influence

Seeing my nephews and niece start careers and families

Being seen as a wise old man instead of a young smart ass with attitude problems

Blockchain tech truly come of age

Having people do favors for me because of my age and not feel guilty

Being old enough to not only know what others think doesn’t matter, but not being able to remember anyway

Truly amazing Virtual Reality

Seeing friends and classmates become grandparents

Not repeating the mistakes of my elders and previous generations

Lab grown replacement organs

Mile tall skyscrapers

Fusion energy

Having a robot neighbor

Cures for mental illnesses (It’s my blog, I can dream can’t I?)

Riding in a driverless car

Getting to watch what amazing breakthroughs come by the time I die

The end of the pandemic

The end of cable news

The end of unneeded paper work

The end of junk mail

Personalized medical treatment

Getting to watch the development of the next trillion dollar industry. My bets are on biotech and space based resources

Just knowing we have armies of really smart scientists, engineers, doctors, artists, etc. figuring out new things and solutions while normal people cry doom and gloom. Then again, good news never has sold well

Things I Don’t Understand

I readily admit there are things about my fellow humans I don’t understand. And I never will. Of course having a mental illness makes it almost impossible to read people. But here is a short list of things I don’t understand (and likely never will). It is not meant to be a comprehensive list. Here goes:

Things I Don’t Understand

Celebrity worship

Obsession over designer clothes

Gender reveal parties

Beauty pagents for children

Little league parents

Parents giving participation trophies to kids and then complaining about kids receiving participation trophies

Teachers and adults who tell kids “Wait until you have a job, kids, etc.” And then never acknowledging the kids who learned from their elders’ mistakes as adults.

Too Big To Fail

Too Small To Succeed

Treating politicians like rock stars

Treating scientists and doctors like idiots

Prosperity Gospel

The belief everyone has to have an opinion on everything

Cancel culture

Most Tik Tok videos

Most Twitter tweets

Arguing over petty nonsense on social media with complete strangers

Prideful and willful ignorance

Being proud of having no compassion and empathy

The belief that apologizing when wrong means one is a weakling

People who think the world is more violent than ever when all the data says otherwise

Adults complaining about kids not supporting certain businesses or industries. It’s called voting with your money. People used to call that the free market

The appeal of the philosophy of Ayn Rand

The appeal of country rap

Vaping

Bragging about how much you work

Bragging about how much you hate your job

Bragging about how much you hate your in laws

Bragging about how bad your ex was

Believing there is virtue in being a victim

The acceptance and praise of mediocrity in all it’s forms

Reruns of Jackass and Beavis and Butt Head

The Bachelor and Bachelorette

Most reality tv

People complaining about how Hollywood doesn’t have any new ideas. That’s why Netflix and Amazon Prime are so popular these days. And there are thousands, if not millions, of people in youtube making original content on a daily basis, often on shoe string budgets and with just a smart phone or laptop

People who worry about dystopic futures yet refuse to acknowledge that the past was dystopic for most people, especially racial minorities, religious minorities, anyone not obviously heterosexual, slaves, women, and children.

Most print magazines

The belief that the internet is a luxury. Twenty years ago, it was. But now over 5 billion people (on a planet of almost 8 billion people) now have access to it.

The belief that the USA is the only country in the world with debt problems

The celebration of sociopaths and psychopaths in popular entertainment

Treating politics like religion

Treating science like a matter of opinion

Believing money is evil

Believing technology is evil

Most conspiracy theories

Caring more about your kids’ grades in school than if they are learning anything

The outdated belief that learning only takes place in school or has to be tedious and boring

Requiring college degrees for most jobs

These are just a few things I don’t understand. Once again, it’s not meant to be a comprehensive list. It was merely for fun and a change of pace

Things I Love About Being An Adult

Going off subject for this post. These are some of the things I enjoy about being an adult.


Things I Love About Being An Adult

Privacy

Being able to vote but realizing that I am far more than what I vote for

Being able to change jobs easier than changing schools

Having locks on my bedroom door

Not feeling guilty for not being like everyone else

Not feeling pressure to date or get married

Not being afraid to ask for help

Not feeling guilty for not wanting to run errands for people

Getting to cook what I want for dinner every night

If I don’t like where I live, I can always move

Being able to save money

Being able to pursue my own interests

Not feeling guilty for pursuing my own interests

Not having to fake interest in things I couldn’t care less about

Not feeling guilty for not tolerating bad treatment from other people

Realizing that people in authority are often clueless

Not having to automatically respect someone because they are old or have money

Realizing there is far more to the world than my tiny farming village

Not being afraid to like diversity

Not being afraid to not voice my opinions if I don’t want to

Not being forced to live in a place where everyone thinks they have a right to know what I’m up to at all times

Realizing there is more to life than just working and making money

Not being an outcast for liking intellectual things

Realizing there is nothing grown up or rebellious about getting drunk or stoned

Not feeling weird for not wanting to date and have sex

Not feeling guilty for just wanting to be left alone

Not feeling guilty for just wanting to be anonymous

Realizing it’s far better to be smart and eccentric than it is to be just as boring and mundane as everyone else

Realizing that yes, nerds really do rule the modern world

Not having to care about gossip

Being free to make friends with whomever I want

Realizing that a bad few days isn’t the end of my life

Realizing that the world isn’t as screwed up as the media or my elders make it out to be

Not feeling stupid for having hope in humanity

Being around long enough to see that what goes around often comes back on people

Being around long enough to see that constantly treating people like garbage comes back to haunt people more often than not

Being around long enough to see stupid and rude people often get to suffer for being stupid and rude

Being around long enough to realize that nothing lasts forever

Did I mention that I actually have some privacy as an adult and I absolutely love it?

Finding Happiness in 2020

Even though I don’t socialize much in person anymore, I try my best to stay connected to family and friends. Talked with my parents over FaceTime this morning. My dad had a check up on his heart and he does not need stints or surgery. He is joining a neighborhood gym as he wants to get more active again. I started lifting weights again on a regular basis last week. Even after a few sessions I can feel the strength and endurance starting to return.

In bad news, two of my friends in Omaha tested positive for covid. They are under quarantine for the next two weeks. They aren’t able to work and they sleep most of the time. One friend is a delivery man so he obviously can’t be going anywhere until this clears. Fortunately they seem to be doing better now than a few days ago. I imagine eventually I’ll catch this too. I just hope it’s mild. Even though I’m only 40, I am overweight and mentally ill.

Got some groceries coming this morning. I’m rebuilding my winter supplies. The leaves are starting to change in my hometown. I usually have my windows open during the day but run the furnace at night as it’s starting to get chilly after dark.

I’ve been forcing myself out of my apartment a couple times a day for almost a week now. Sometimes it is as simple as just standing in the hallway for a few minutes. Sometimes I’ll even set up a chair in my doorway so I can sit and try to chat with whomever shows up.

I nap more during the days. I am usually my most active in late mornings and overnights these days. My sleep patterns can change with the seasons and they change if my illness changes too. Haven’t had any serious breakdowns for a few weeks. I still have minor flare ups at least once or twice per day. They don’t usually last long. I have gotten to where I can just let them pass and not feel bad they happen.

I have a couple packages from amazon coming this afternoon. I imagine kids growing up today look forward to the amazon delivery man as much as I did going to the mall when I was growing up.

Changed the parts on my cpap machine yesterday. Slept really well last night. I try to change out the parts a few times a year just to keep the machine properly working.

I don’t have much else planned for the rest of the week. My cleaning lady arrives on Thursday afternoon. I like her. She engages me in conversation while she works. I usually just stay sat down and out of her way while she cleans. I supply the cleaning agents and she does the rest. And she at least tolerates my eccentric sense of humor 🙂

Paranoia and Fear With Mental Illness

I’ve now spent two months in self quarantine.  While things are opening back up, I’m still staying home.  I’m still paranoid about leaving my apartment.  And I sometimes have anxiety problems.  At least they don’t last very long.  I’ve had only one breakdown since self quarantine started.  That was about a month ago.

I find myself wanting to sleep more.  Sometimes I sleep just out of depression.  Sometimes I’ll just lay in bed for a couple hours in the afternoon just to let my mind wander.  I occasionally have hallucinations, especially as I try to fall asleep.  I often hear footsteps of people that aren’t there.  I sometimes hear knocks on my door when no one is there.  I sometimes hear doors open and close.  And I’m beginning to get paranoid around some of my neighbors.  I sometimes fear they secretly don’t like me and want to get me evicted.  I sometimes fear people will try to break into my place and rob me, sometimes even during daylight hours.  I’m scared my neighbors will try to pick arguments and fights with me sometimes.  It just seems that people are more angry and quicker to fight lately.

I no longer find socializing enjoyable.  I spend most of my time at home.  I’ll sweet talk my neighbors into picking up my mail once a week just so I don’t have to be forced to socialize.  I’m scared I’ll get into a heated conversation that I wanted nothing to do with in the first place.  I don’t even find socializing over the phone very enjoyable anymore.  I fear people will think I’m rude if I don’t want to talk.  So I sometimes lie and say I have another call or someone knocking on my door if I need to end a conversation quickly.  I just don’t want to socialize anymore.  Some days I want to spend all day in bed.  But I don’t simply because I’m paranoid that someone will knock on my door or call my phone and I’ll be expected to answer at a moment’s notice.  I fear people get angry with me if I have to make them wait at all.  I’ve had this fear for most of my life.

20 Facts About Me

I’m going to take a break from posting about my day to day routines during the pandemic today.  I’d like to do another ‘just for fun’ post.  I suppose it’s one of those odd facts about me postings.

Odd facts about me

  1. Even though I spend most of my time alone, I actually like conversation.  Granted I have a tough time with idle chit chat and neighborhood gossip.  I will talk about things like history, geopolitics, economics, baseball stats, tech advances with almost anyone who is willing to engage in this type of conversation.  Even when my cleaning lady is here every week I’ll look up things online and tell her about some of the headlines, especially in tech.  Yeah, I’ll be telling her about something like advances in robotics while she’s mopping my kitchen or about possible medical treatments to slow down aging while she’s scrubbing my bathtub.  But she is either really interested or she’s really good at humoring the eccentric loner she cleans for every Thursday afternoon.
  2.  I really don’t watch a lot for traditional television shows, not even on streaming services.  I do watch a lot of interviews and round table conversations about science, tech, medicine, and economics on youtube.  I watch a lot of shows that sometimes are featured on channels like History Channel, Travel Channel, etc.  I subscribed to Disney+ mainly because they carry NatGeo shows.
  3.  I am far more interested in reading non fiction than fiction.  I’m not sure why.  Even my favorite comedy performers base their routines on pointing out how absurd every day life can be.
  4.  At least once a day, I will climb into bed, pull up my blanket, put on my CPAP machine, and just let my mind wander.  It seems to be a good way to declutter my mind and relax.  I try to do this for at least an hour a day, usually in the afternoons.
  5.  I really don’t like driving cars.  I never have.  I even sold my car last year because I didn’t use it enough to justify having it.  Thank God for grocery delivery and Amazon.
  6.  I do love computer games.  I especially love games like Civilization, Total War, Sim City, etc.  I have never really gotten into first person shooter games.
  7.  I no longer have music CDs or even pay for music streaming.  All the tunes I need I get for free on youtube or free Spotify.  I don’t mind sitting through ads every ten to fifteen minutes, at least as long as it’s not longer than thirty seconds.
  8.  I don’t have a Twitter or Tik Tok account.  I just can’t get my points and ideas across in a fifteen second video or a short tweet.  I have a hard enough time carrying on a decent conversation on facebook.
  9.  I don’t always carry my phone around when I’m in public.
  10.  If I’m in a state of depression or anxiety, I sometimes won’t answer my phone or my door.  I fear having a melt down over the phone or on a guest.
  11.  I’m still amazed at people who post articles on their facebook pages without doing a couple minutes of research to see even what the article says, let alone how reliable the source is.
  12.  I don’t use paper checks for anything besides my rent.  Haven’t for years.
  13.  I don’t check my mail every day.  90 percent is junk or things I already know through my online accounts.  Seriously, stop sending me coupons already.  I can just as good of deals with a few minutes of online research.  And businesses who try to advertise through direct mail make me not want to do business with them.
  14.  I’m surprised at how few people understand the concept of compound interest.
  15.  I sometimes get upset with youtube’s algorithms suggesting videos to me I have zero interest in.  Stop sending me links to conspiracy theory pages just because I watched a few videos on the history of banking or about buying gold coins.
  16.  I don’t enjoy long goodbyes.
  17.  I can often tell if the weather is going to change by how extra sore my knees are.
  18.  I think it’s too bad that chicken wings aren’t health food.
  19.  I think access to internet is no more a luxury than electricity or running water.  At one time, yes.  Then again, having a roof and four walls used to be a luxury too.  What century are my neighbors who think internet is a luxury living in?
  20.  I’m 39 years old and I still love heavy metal and hard rock music.  Always will.  If I make to be an 80 year old man and living in a retirement home, don’t be surprised if I’m still listening to bands like AC/DC and Led Zeppelin or the like.

Odd Facts About Me

I’m going to take a detour with this post and have a little more fun than usual.  I’m going to post on oddities about myself.  I’ll try to keep this fun.  So here goes.

 

  1.  I have the same best friend at age 39 that I had at age 17.
  2. My best friend is a woman.  When we were in high school we came to an unspoken agreement that we wouldn’t make our friendship a romance.  While it hurt in high school, in the long run it payed off.
  3.  I started college as a pre med student.  I shifted to business after two years.  I mean, who wants to trust a medical scientist who got a D in Organic Chemistry?
  4. Even though I really had little interest in business and economics until I went to college, I’m glad I studied business.  I am really more interested in history and literature.
  5.  I spent as much time reading literature, history, and philosophy in college as I did studying business my last three years of college.  I spent a few hours every day reading at the campus library.  I’m glad I did this ‘dual study program’.
  6.  I haven’t been on a date since my late 20s.  I’m not anti romance or anti marriage.  I know myself well enough that, with my psych illness and personality type, I would make a lousy husband and father.  Now I love having friends and family.  But, I don’t do well with romance.
  7. I have several email accounts, most of which are dummy accounts so I can cut down on spam in my real accounts.
  8.  I don’t give my nephews and niece career advice or ask them what they want to be when they grow up.  The workplace is changing fast enough that even I had several different types of jobs.  I imagine this trend is only going to speed up in the coming years.
  9.  I enjoy reading non fiction books more than fiction.  Real life is quite interesting to me because, well, some real crazy things happen in non fiction.  And it’s non fiction because it actually happened in real life.
  10.  I wrote drafts for two novels in my late 20s and early 30s.
  11.  I find writing in first person easier than writing in third person.  My writer friends think I’m crazy for saying this.  But it’s true for me.
  12.  I like the comedy of Bill Hicks and George Carlin.
  13.  My likes in music have changed over the years.  In high school I was big into grunge and heavy metal.  In college I really got into country and blues.  In my late 20s I really got back into metal and added some hip hop.  In my 30s I got into techno.  I do like some of most genres of music.  I don’t have just one particular style.
  14.  Even though I did well in school in high school and college, I still wasn’t very confident in my abilities until I hit my 30s.  And it was in my 30s I found out that most of my classmates in high school and college were less confidant than even I was.
  15.  While I no longer work a regular job, I’m glad I had the variety of jobs I did.  Some of the jobs I’ve worked included retail sales, waiter, factory worker, teachers’ aide, janitor, and farm laborer.
  16.  Even though I don’t make money from my blog writing, it gives me more joy than any job I’ve ever done.
  17.  I never understood the trope about people not liking their in laws because my parents always had good relationships with their in laws.
  18.  Both of my parents worked full time jobs, but they had different shifts.  My mother worked the night shift as a nurse at a hospital.  Even with these different shifts, we always had at least one meal a day as a family.  And since I had a set of grandparents that lived in town, mom and dad would send us there if they needed a break from us.  I guess I had the best of all worlds as a kid.
  19.  I don’t socialize much in person anymore.  Yet I don’t feel lonely because I socialize via the internet and phone daily.
  20.  I don’t like fast food anymore.  I prefer my own cooking in most cases.  The closest thing to fast food I eat anymore is delivery pizza and Chinese.

 

Things I’m A Bit Nostalgic For

This is going to be an off topic posting.  I haven’t done one just for fun in a long time.  Even though I’m only a few months from being forty years old, I am normally not overly nostalgic.  But there are a few things I like from my past years that I don’t get to see much anymore in 2020.  So here goes.

Things I’m A Bit Nostalgic For

Having several great friends within a few minutes drive of my house

Camping in the Rocky Mountains during the summers

Knowing enough Spanish to carry on a conversation

My freshman dorm in college

High school speech meets (I met more girls this way than anything else I ever did)

Good shows on History Channel

When politicians at least acted like they were telling the truth

Not being afraid of driving a car

The aroma of old books in a library

The comedy of Bill Hicks and George Carlin

Indiana Jones movies

Music from old Nintendo games

Roller blading with my best friend and her sisters

Being able to play football on Friday nights and then go work at a general store for an afternoon shift the next day

Being able to look at the stars most nights

Being an insecure teenager and not realizing my classmates were probably more insecure than even I was

Seven a.m. chemistry lab sessions my freshman year in college

Ethnic food night at the campus mess hall

On campus concerts from student bands a couple times a month

Watching college baseball games while sitting on freezing aluminum bleachers

99 cent bottomless cups of coffee and all night discussions at the local truck stop over plates of chicken fried steak or bowls of clam chowder

Being able to road trip on a few minutes notice

Spending a part of every summer at my friend’s house in South Dakota

Tom Osborne as the Huskers’ football coach

Watching Mr. Rodgers Neighborhood and Sesame Street

Transformers and G.I. Joe cartoons

Buying fireworks from the American Legion during the summers

My grandparents and their mannerisms (some of which I’m now showing)

My niece and nephews as babies

Listening to Husker football games on the radio when we were road tripping or the game wasn’t televised

The music of Hootie and The Blowfish

Having to get off the internet because my dad had to make phone calls for business

Feeling like a thug because you had a large Napster account

Binge watching X Files, Daria, and Futurama on VHS

Tap recording songs off the radio

 

 

These are a few things that make me feel a little nostalgic.  Granted there is a lot about the past I grew up in that can stay in the past, namely most public places smelling like tobacco smoke and not having internet available.  But that is a subject for another posting.  Take care.