Things I’m Looking Forward To In The Future

I’m composing of list of things that probably will be coming within the next generation or so that I am looking forward to. My entire life I’ve been accused of being too much of a dreamer and having false hopes. I’ve even had people tell me I think long term too much. I’ve always been bothered by how short sighted most people, at least in my culture, seem to be. But here goes with the list.

Things I’m Looking Forward To In The Future

People back on the Moon

People on Mars

5G tech

3D printed houses

Eradication of malaria

Seeing people my age and younger in places of power, wealth, and influence

Seeing my nephews and niece start careers and families

Being seen as a wise old man instead of a young smart ass with attitude problems

Blockchain tech truly come of age

Having people do favors for me because of my age and not feel guilty

Being old enough to not only know what others think doesn’t matter, but not being able to remember anyway

Truly amazing Virtual Reality

Seeing friends and classmates become grandparents

Not repeating the mistakes of my elders and previous generations

Lab grown replacement organs

Mile tall skyscrapers

Fusion energy

Having a robot neighbor

Cures for mental illnesses (It’s my blog, I can dream can’t I?)

Riding in a driverless car

Getting to watch what amazing breakthroughs come by the time I die

The end of the pandemic

The end of cable news

The end of unneeded paper work

The end of junk mail

Personalized medical treatment

Getting to watch the development of the next trillion dollar industry. My bets are on biotech and space based resources

Just knowing we have armies of really smart scientists, engineers, doctors, artists, etc. figuring out new things and solutions while normal people cry doom and gloom. Then again, good news never has sold well

Things I Don’t Understand

I readily admit there are things about my fellow humans I don’t understand. And I never will. Of course having a mental illness makes it almost impossible to read people. But here is a short list of things I don’t understand (and likely never will). It is not meant to be a comprehensive list. Here goes:

Things I Don’t Understand

Celebrity worship

Obsession over designer clothes

Gender reveal parties

Beauty pagents for children

Little league parents

Parents giving participation trophies to kids and then complaining about kids receiving participation trophies

Teachers and adults who tell kids “Wait until you have a job, kids, etc.” And then never acknowledging the kids who learned from their elders’ mistakes as adults.

Too Big To Fail

Too Small To Succeed

Treating politicians like rock stars

Treating scientists and doctors like idiots

Prosperity Gospel

The belief everyone has to have an opinion on everything

Cancel culture

Most Tik Tok videos

Most Twitter tweets

Arguing over petty nonsense on social media with complete strangers

Prideful and willful ignorance

Being proud of having no compassion and empathy

The belief that apologizing when wrong means one is a weakling

People who think the world is more violent than ever when all the data says otherwise

Adults complaining about kids not supporting certain businesses or industries. It’s called voting with your money. People used to call that the free market

The appeal of the philosophy of Ayn Rand

The appeal of country rap


Bragging about how much you work

Bragging about how much you hate your job

Bragging about how much you hate your in laws

Bragging about how bad your ex was

Believing there is virtue in being a victim

The acceptance and praise of mediocrity in all it’s forms

Reruns of Jackass and Beavis and Butt Head

The Bachelor and Bachelorette

Most reality tv

People complaining about how Hollywood doesn’t have any new ideas. That’s why Netflix and Amazon Prime are so popular these days. And there are thousands, if not millions, of people in youtube making original content on a daily basis, often on shoe string budgets and with just a smart phone or laptop

People who worry about dystopic futures yet refuse to acknowledge that the past was dystopic for most people, especially racial minorities, religious minorities, anyone not obviously heterosexual, slaves, women, and children.

Most print magazines

The belief that the internet is a luxury. Twenty years ago, it was. But now over 5 billion people (on a planet of almost 8 billion people) now have access to it.

The belief that the USA is the only country in the world with debt problems

The celebration of sociopaths and psychopaths in popular entertainment

Treating politics like religion

Treating science like a matter of opinion

Believing money is evil

Believing technology is evil

Most conspiracy theories

Caring more about your kids’ grades in school than if they are learning anything

The outdated belief that learning only takes place in school or has to be tedious and boring

Requiring college degrees for most jobs

These are just a few things I don’t understand. Once again, it’s not meant to be a comprehensive list. It was merely for fun and a change of pace

Things I Love About Being An Adult

Going off subject for this post. These are some of the things I enjoy about being an adult.

Things I Love About Being An Adult


Being able to vote but realizing that I am far more than what I vote for

Being able to change jobs easier than changing schools

Having locks on my bedroom door

Not feeling guilty for not being like everyone else

Not feeling pressure to date or get married

Not being afraid to ask for help

Not feeling guilty for not wanting to run errands for people

Getting to cook what I want for dinner every night

If I don’t like where I live, I can always move

Being able to save money

Being able to pursue my own interests

Not feeling guilty for pursuing my own interests

Not having to fake interest in things I couldn’t care less about

Not feeling guilty for not tolerating bad treatment from other people

Realizing that people in authority are often clueless

Not having to automatically respect someone because they are old or have money

Realizing there is far more to the world than my tiny farming village

Not being afraid to like diversity

Not being afraid to not voice my opinions if I don’t want to

Not being forced to live in a place where everyone thinks they have a right to know what I’m up to at all times

Realizing there is more to life than just working and making money

Not being an outcast for liking intellectual things

Realizing there is nothing grown up or rebellious about getting drunk or stoned

Not feeling weird for not wanting to date and have sex

Not feeling guilty for just wanting to be left alone

Not feeling guilty for just wanting to be anonymous

Realizing it’s far better to be smart and eccentric than it is to be just as boring and mundane as everyone else

Realizing that yes, nerds really do rule the modern world

Not having to care about gossip

Being free to make friends with whomever I want

Realizing that a bad few days isn’t the end of my life

Realizing that the world isn’t as screwed up as the media or my elders make it out to be

Not feeling stupid for having hope in humanity

Being around long enough to see that what goes around often comes back on people

Being around long enough to see that constantly treating people like garbage comes back to haunt people more often than not

Being around long enough to see stupid and rude people often get to suffer for being stupid and rude

Being around long enough to realize that nothing lasts forever

Did I mention that I actually have some privacy as an adult and I absolutely love it?

Finding Happiness in 2020

Even though I don’t socialize much in person anymore, I try my best to stay connected to family and friends. Talked with my parents over FaceTime this morning. My dad had a check up on his heart and he does not need stints or surgery. He is joining a neighborhood gym as he wants to get more active again. I started lifting weights again on a regular basis last week. Even after a few sessions I can feel the strength and endurance starting to return.

In bad news, two of my friends in Omaha tested positive for covid. They are under quarantine for the next two weeks. They aren’t able to work and they sleep most of the time. One friend is a delivery man so he obviously can’t be going anywhere until this clears. Fortunately they seem to be doing better now than a few days ago. I imagine eventually I’ll catch this too. I just hope it’s mild. Even though I’m only 40, I am overweight and mentally ill.

Got some groceries coming this morning. I’m rebuilding my winter supplies. The leaves are starting to change in my hometown. I usually have my windows open during the day but run the furnace at night as it’s starting to get chilly after dark.

I’ve been forcing myself out of my apartment a couple times a day for almost a week now. Sometimes it is as simple as just standing in the hallway for a few minutes. Sometimes I’ll even set up a chair in my doorway so I can sit and try to chat with whomever shows up.

I nap more during the days. I am usually my most active in late mornings and overnights these days. My sleep patterns can change with the seasons and they change if my illness changes too. Haven’t had any serious breakdowns for a few weeks. I still have minor flare ups at least once or twice per day. They don’t usually last long. I have gotten to where I can just let them pass and not feel bad they happen.

I have a couple packages from amazon coming this afternoon. I imagine kids growing up today look forward to the amazon delivery man as much as I did going to the mall when I was growing up.

Changed the parts on my cpap machine yesterday. Slept really well last night. I try to change out the parts a few times a year just to keep the machine properly working.

I don’t have much else planned for the rest of the week. My cleaning lady arrives on Thursday afternoon. I like her. She engages me in conversation while she works. I usually just stay sat down and out of her way while she cleans. I supply the cleaning agents and she does the rest. And she at least tolerates my eccentric sense of humor ūüôā

Paranoia and Fear With Mental Illness

I’ve now spent two months in self quarantine.¬† While things are opening back up, I’m still staying home.¬† I’m still paranoid about leaving my apartment.¬† And I sometimes have anxiety problems.¬† At least they don’t last very long.¬† I’ve had only one breakdown since self quarantine started.¬† That was about a month ago.

I find myself wanting to sleep more.¬† Sometimes I sleep just out of depression.¬† Sometimes I’ll just lay in bed for a couple hours in the afternoon just to let my mind wander.¬† I occasionally have hallucinations, especially as I try to fall asleep.¬† I often hear footsteps of people that aren’t there.¬† I sometimes hear knocks on my door when no one is there.¬† I sometimes hear doors open and close.¬† And I’m beginning to get paranoid around some of my neighbors.¬† I sometimes fear they secretly don’t like me and want to get me evicted.¬† I sometimes fear people will try to break into my place and rob me, sometimes even during daylight hours.¬† I’m scared my neighbors will try to pick arguments and fights with me sometimes.¬† It just seems that people are more angry and quicker to fight lately.

I no longer find socializing enjoyable.¬† I spend most of my time at home.¬† I’ll sweet talk my neighbors into picking up my mail once a week just so I don’t have to be forced to socialize.¬† I’m scared I’ll get into a heated conversation that I wanted nothing to do with in the first place.¬† I don’t even find socializing over the phone very enjoyable anymore.¬† I fear people will think I’m rude if I don’t want to talk.¬† So I sometimes lie and say I have another call or someone knocking on my door if I need to end a conversation quickly.¬† I just don’t want to socialize anymore.¬† Some days I want to spend all day in bed.¬† But I don’t simply because I’m paranoid that someone will knock on my door or call my phone and I’ll be expected to answer at a moment’s notice.¬† I fear people get angry with me if I have to make them wait at all.¬† I’ve had this fear for most of my life.

20 Facts About Me

I’m going to take a break from posting about my day to day routines during the pandemic today.¬† I’d like to do another ‘just for fun’ post.¬† I suppose it’s one of those odd facts about me postings.

Odd facts about me

  1. Even though I spend most of my time alone, I actually like conversation.¬† Granted I have a tough time with idle chit chat and neighborhood gossip.¬† I will talk about things like history, geopolitics, economics, baseball stats, tech advances with almost anyone who is willing to engage in this type of conversation.¬† Even when my cleaning lady is here every week I’ll look up things online and tell her about some of the headlines, especially in tech.¬† Yeah, I’ll be telling her about something like advances in robotics while she’s mopping my kitchen or about possible medical treatments to slow down aging while she’s scrubbing my bathtub.¬† But she is either really interested or she’s really good at humoring the eccentric loner she cleans for every Thursday afternoon.
  2. ¬†I really don’t watch a lot for traditional television shows, not even on streaming services.¬† I do watch a lot of interviews and round table conversations about science, tech, medicine, and economics on youtube.¬† I watch a lot of shows that sometimes are featured on channels like History Channel, Travel Channel, etc.¬† I subscribed to Disney+ mainly because they carry NatGeo shows.
  3. ¬†I am far more interested in reading non fiction than fiction.¬† I’m not sure why.¬† Even my favorite comedy performers base their routines on pointing out how absurd every day life can be.
  4.  At least once a day, I will climb into bed, pull up my blanket, put on my CPAP machine, and just let my mind wander.  It seems to be a good way to declutter my mind and relax.  I try to do this for at least an hour a day, usually in the afternoons.
  5. ¬†I really don’t like driving cars.¬† I never have.¬† I even sold my car last year because I didn’t use it enough to justify having it.¬† Thank God for grocery delivery and Amazon.
  6.  I do love computer games.  I especially love games like Civilization, Total War, Sim City, etc.  I have never really gotten into first person shooter games.
  7. ¬†I no longer have music CDs or even pay for music streaming.¬† All the tunes I need I get for free on youtube or free Spotify.¬† I don’t mind sitting through ads every ten to fifteen minutes, at least as long as it’s not longer than thirty seconds.
  8. ¬†I don’t have a Twitter or Tik Tok account.¬† I just can’t get my points and ideas across in a fifteen second video or a short tweet.¬† I have a hard enough time carrying on a decent conversation on facebook.
  9. ¬†I don’t always carry my phone around when I’m in public.
  10. ¬†If I’m in a state of depression or anxiety, I sometimes won’t answer my phone or my door.¬† I fear having a melt down over the phone or on a guest.
  11. ¬†I’m still amazed at people who post articles on their facebook pages without doing a couple minutes of research to see even what the article says, let alone how reliable the source is.
  12. ¬†I don’t use paper checks for anything besides my rent.¬† Haven’t for years.
  13. ¬†I don’t check my mail every day.¬† 90 percent is junk or things I already know through my online accounts.¬† Seriously, stop sending me coupons already.¬† I can just as good of deals with a few minutes of online research.¬† And businesses who try to advertise through direct mail make me not want to do business with them.
  14. ¬†I’m surprised at how few people understand the concept of compound interest.
  15. ¬†I sometimes get upset with youtube’s algorithms suggesting videos to me I have zero interest in.¬† Stop sending me links to conspiracy theory pages just because I watched a few videos on the history of banking or about buying gold coins.
  16. ¬†I don’t enjoy long goodbyes.
  17.  I can often tell if the weather is going to change by how extra sore my knees are.
  18. ¬†I think it’s too bad that chicken wings aren’t health food.
  19.  I think access to internet is no more a luxury than electricity or running water.  At one time, yes.  Then again, having a roof and four walls used to be a luxury too.  What century are my neighbors who think internet is a luxury living in?
  20. ¬†I’m 39 years old and I still love heavy metal and hard rock music.¬† Always will.¬† If I make to be an 80 year old man and living in a retirement home, don’t be surprised if I’m still listening to bands like AC/DC and Led Zeppelin or the like.

Odd Facts About Me

I’m going to take a detour with this post and have a little more fun than usual.¬† I’m going to post on oddities about myself.¬† I’ll try to keep this fun.¬† So here goes.


  1.  I have the same best friend at age 39 that I had at age 17.
  2. My best friend is a woman.¬† When we were in high school we came to an unspoken agreement that we wouldn’t make our friendship a romance.¬† While it hurt in high school, in the long run it payed off.
  3.  I started college as a pre med student.  I shifted to business after two years.  I mean, who wants to trust a medical scientist who got a D in Organic Chemistry?
  4. Even though I really had little interest in business and economics until I went to college, I’m glad I studied business.¬† I am really more interested in history and literature.
  5. ¬†I spent as much time reading literature, history, and philosophy in college as I did studying business my last three years of college.¬† I spent a few hours every day reading at the campus library.¬† I’m glad I did this ‘dual study program’.
  6. ¬†I haven’t been on a date since my late 20s.¬† I’m not anti romance or anti marriage.¬† I know myself well enough that, with my psych illness and personality type, I would make a lousy husband and father.¬† Now I love having friends and family.¬† But, I don’t do well with romance.
  7. I have several email accounts, most of which are dummy accounts so I can cut down on spam in my real accounts.
  8. ¬†I don’t give my nephews and niece career advice or ask them what they want to be when they grow up.¬† The workplace is changing fast enough that even I had several different types of jobs.¬† I imagine this trend is only going to speed up in the coming years.
  9. ¬†I enjoy reading non fiction books more than fiction.¬† Real life is quite interesting to me because, well, some real crazy things happen in non fiction.¬† And it’s non fiction because it actually happened in real life.
  10.  I wrote drafts for two novels in my late 20s and early 30s.
  11. ¬†I find writing in first person easier than writing in third person.¬† My writer friends think I’m crazy for saying this.¬† But it’s true for me.
  12.  I like the comedy of Bill Hicks and George Carlin.
  13. ¬†My likes in music have changed over the years.¬† In high school I was big into grunge and heavy metal.¬† In college I really got into country and blues.¬† In my late 20s I really got back into metal and added some hip hop.¬† In my 30s I got into techno.¬† I do like some of most genres of music.¬† I don’t have just one particular style.
  14. ¬†Even though I did well in school in high school and college, I still wasn’t very confident in my abilities until I hit my 30s.¬† And it was in my 30s I found out that most of my classmates in high school and college were less confidant than even I was.
  15. ¬†While I no longer work a regular job, I’m glad I had the variety of jobs I did.¬† Some of the jobs I’ve worked included retail sales, waiter, factory worker, teachers’ aide, janitor, and farm laborer.
  16. ¬†Even though I don’t make money from my blog writing, it gives me more joy than any job I’ve ever done.
  17.  I never understood the trope about people not liking their in laws because my parents always had good relationships with their in laws.
  18.  Both of my parents worked full time jobs, but they had different shifts.  My mother worked the night shift as a nurse at a hospital.  Even with these different shifts, we always had at least one meal a day as a family.  And since I had a set of grandparents that lived in town, mom and dad would send us there if they needed a break from us.  I guess I had the best of all worlds as a kid.
  19. ¬†I don’t socialize much in person anymore.¬† Yet I don’t feel lonely because I socialize via the internet and phone daily.
  20. ¬†I don’t like fast food anymore.¬† I prefer my own cooking in most cases.¬† The closest thing to fast food I eat anymore is delivery pizza and Chinese.


Things I’m A Bit Nostalgic For

This is going to be an off topic posting.¬† I haven’t done one just for fun in a long time.¬† Even though I’m only a few months from being forty years old, I am normally not overly nostalgic.¬† But there are a few things I like from my past years that I don’t get to see much anymore in 2020.¬† So here goes.

Things I’m A Bit Nostalgic For

Having several great friends within a few minutes drive of my house

Camping in the Rocky Mountains during the summers

Knowing enough Spanish to carry on a conversation

My freshman dorm in college

High school speech meets (I met more girls this way than anything else I ever did)

Good shows on History Channel

When politicians at least acted like they were telling the truth

Not being afraid of driving a car

The aroma of old books in a library

The comedy of Bill Hicks and George Carlin

Indiana Jones movies

Music from old Nintendo games

Roller blading with my best friend and her sisters

Being able to play football on Friday nights and then go work at a general store for an afternoon shift the next day

Being able to look at the stars most nights

Being an insecure teenager and not realizing my classmates were probably more insecure than even I was

Seven a.m. chemistry lab sessions my freshman year in college

Ethnic food night at the campus mess hall

On campus concerts from student bands a couple times a month

Watching college baseball games while sitting on freezing aluminum bleachers

99 cent bottomless cups of coffee and all night discussions at the local truck stop over plates of chicken fried steak or bowls of clam chowder

Being able to road trip on a few minutes notice

Spending a part of every summer at my friend’s house in South Dakota

Tom Osborne as the Huskers’ football coach

Watching Mr. Rodgers Neighborhood and Sesame Street

Transformers and G.I. Joe cartoons

Buying fireworks from the American Legion during the summers

My grandparents and their mannerisms (some of which I’m now showing)

My niece and nephews as babies

Listening to Husker football games on the radio when we were road tripping or the game wasn’t televised

The music of Hootie and The Blowfish

Having to get off the internet because my dad had to make phone calls for business

Feeling like a thug because you had a large Napster account

Binge watching X Files, Daria, and Futurama on VHS

Tap recording songs off the radio



These are a few things that make me feel a little nostalgic.  Granted there is a lot about the past I grew up in that can stay in the past, namely most public places smelling like tobacco smoke and not having internet available.  But that is a subject for another posting.  Take care.


My Online Confessions

I’m going off subject for this article. ¬†It has been too long since I wrote a just for fun piece. ¬†For this one, I’m going to disclose some facts about myself. ¬†Some will be funny, some may be unpopular, but all of them are true. ¬†So here goes:

  1. My three favorite hobbies are computer games, writing, and weight lifting.
  2. I love nonfiction science books.
  3. I can’t stand dystopic novels or movies (which, unfortunately, is most of tv in recent years).
  4. My favorite pizza toppings are pepperoni and Italian sausage
  5. I can’t stand most fast food. ¬†I haven’t even had a Big Mac in over two years
  6. I get very irritated when people ask me “when are you getting married?” ¬†Sometimes I want to retort to them, especially if they are older than I am, “when are you going to die?”
  7. I don’t like watching sports as much now as I did when I was in my teens and twenties. ¬†But I do mainly so I can have something to talk about with family and friends.
  8. I can’t stand most cable news channels. ¬†I like some business news channels, namely Bloomberg, because they report on things like science and tech breakthroughs more than politics and disaster.
  9. I don’t tolerate rudeness from others in my online interactions. ¬†And I never give second chances to people I don’t personally know. ¬†No exceptions.
  10. I often go out of my way to defend younger people, especially college age and those just starting out in adulthood. ¬†I remember how bad it hurt being stereotyped as a “damn kid” even when I was in grade school. ¬†When I was a teenager I promised myself I would never put anyone else through what I was forced to endure. ¬†Certainly makes me unpopular with my elders and even people my own age.
  11. I don’t understand why it’s popular to be dumb. ¬†Never have and never will.
  12. I don’t understand why it’s evil to be smart. ¬†Never have and never will.
  13. When I write, I find writing in the first person point of view far easier than third person.  Always have.  My best material has always been with myself serving as the narrator.  Even most of my early poems and novel rough drafts were in the first person.
  14. I once had an outline for a science fiction series of novels.  It was mainly about humanity several thousand years with various human settlements declaring independence from an interstellar empire.  Pretty much think Star Trek, Dune, and a touch of the American Civil War.  Sadly I no longer have those notes.
  15. I once had the goal of becoming a best selling writer where half of all my writing and speaking profits would go to philanthropy, namely mental illness research and to the college I graduated from.
  16. High school was some of the toughest years of my life.
  17. College was one of the few places I felt that I wasn’t a complete outcast. ¬†It was one of the only places I met people more eccentric than I am. ¬†I loved college. ¬†Kind of too bad I can’t live in a communal type setting with other researchers, academics, and eccentrics.
  18. One of the few parts I don’t like about being an adult is how tough it is just to spend time with friends.
  19. One thing I absolutely love about being an adult is that I don’t have to act like I care what other people think about me, at least as long as I’m not breaking the law.
  20. I don’t understand the whole ‘Oh God It’s Monday’ and the ‘Thank God It’s Friday’ nonsense. ¬†I never thought it was funny. ¬†Never will.
  21. I don’t understand why it’s funny to hate your in laws or argue with your spouse. ¬†My two best friends I’ve known both for over twenty years. ¬†I can count the number of major arguments I’ve had with the two combined on less than five fingers. ¬†And it certainly doesn’t make our friendships sterile or lifeless or meaningless. ¬†The only time I argue with my parents is during psychotic breakdowns, usually only a couple times per year.
  22. I absolutely despise the phrase “man up.” ¬†I think it’s possibly the stupidest phrase in the English language. ¬†I have never heard anyone tell a woman to “woman up” or an old grandfather to “young down.” ¬†I don’t even hear adults tell kids to “grow up” very often.
  23. I get irritated when I present facts and statistics in a discussion only to be blown off or told I am a lair.
  24. My favorite ice cream is vanilla, simply because it goes good with most toppings and favorings.  It mixes with almost anything.
  25. I like poetry, particularly poems about war, struggle, and overcoming challenges.
  26. I don’t understand why many people can’t see that mental health problems are real. ¬†I mean, the human brain is the most intricate and complex piece of machinery we know about. ¬†Yet, too many people act like nothing can go wrong with it. ¬†Shows a lack of critical thinking on many people’s part.
  27. I am extremely distressed by most education systems not teaching kids how to critically think or be adaptable. ¬†We have known our schools weren’t adapting to the challenges kids would face as adults as far back as the 1980s (at least). ¬†Yet we still teach our kids in 2019 like it was 1919. ¬†I am convinced that is why so many people are anxious and depressed about their lives as adults, simply because they weren’t taught how to adapt to the current realities. ¬†In short, we train kids and teenagers for a local and stable world only to dump them out in a global and rapidly changing world in their early twenties. ¬†And then we have the gall to wonder why they are anxious and struggling in their lives. ¬†We trained them for a world that no longer exists, often to the tune of many thousands of dollars in student debts that will take most of a career to pay off. ¬†If that isn’t child abuse, then nothing is.
  28. I am sometimes lonely. ¬†But I don’t socialize because I don’t want to hear my family and friends endlessly complain. ¬†About the only people in my life who don’t unload their problems on me are my two best friends and my mother. ¬†And it weighs on me and can cause me to be resentful.
  29. I hate being told I’m lucky. ¬†I hate it almost as much as I do being told to “man up.”
  30. I don’t understand why the only manliness most people respect comes out things like war and violence. ¬†Personally, I think Einstein and Newton were every bit as manly as George Patton and Napoleon. ¬†Why is being a thinker considered a sign of weakness? ¬†Hell, if it weren’t for thinkers, there would be no civilization and humanity would probably be extinct. ¬†Think about that the next time you condemn someone for resorting to their brains before their fists or guns.
  31. I don’t understand zero sum thinking. ¬†The idea that someone has to lose for me to gain a benefit is a load of crap.
  32. Don’t discuss politics with me. ¬†Ever.
  33. I have never thought having lots of sex makes a man manly or a woman immoral.  Some people just like sex more than others.
  34. I have lost more jobs and friendships than I can remember because I never gave up on trying to think for myself. ¬†Found out the hard way the world doesn’t respect original thinkers, at least not before they make major breakthroughs.
  35. I am convinced societies love their living tyrants but condemn their living benefactors only to reverse it once their children become the leaders of society. ¬†So maybe there is a sense of justice, even if it’s only in history books and the minds of future generations.
  36. I don’t believe in most conspiracy theories. But I do believe that just enough of them have just enough truth to them to make the entire subject a dark, addictive, and dangerous one.
  37. I believe we live in one of the coolest times in human history, at least as long as you don’t watch the news channels. ¬†News channels report only negative news precisely because that is what we are hard wired to pay attention to. ¬†Good news sites fail, not because they are “fake news”, but because no one pays attention.
  38. I believe we as a human society can solve our problems (or at least adapt so to minimize the impact) and have a really cool future that we, even in 2019, will be jealous of.

Dealing With Self Doubt

There are times when I am in the grip of a mental illness flareup that I fear that I make no difference. ¬†I sometimes fear I make no difference in anything I do. ¬†I fear I make no difference to my friends, family, neighbors, peers, etc. ¬†I certainly fear that I make no difference with this blog even though I’ve poured my heart, soul, and life into it for years.

One of the things that makes me doubt myself and fear I don’t make a difference is that I constantly repeat myself. ¬†As much as I repeat myself, especially when trying to share some positive news of what is going right, I get convinced my words and actions fall on only deaf ears and blind eyes. ¬†I get burned out on telling people what is actually going right and that most of the doom and gloom that is the accepted spirit of our times are really temporary setbacks and not the end of the cosmos. ¬†But no one outside of a handful of people are listening and what I say means nothing. ¬†At least that is the impression my disease infested mind keeps giving.

Most times I can’t read a person or what they are thinking at any given moment. ¬†I can’t easily gage the moment the moment thoughts even if I can easily trace long term trends and possibilities. ¬†I suppose it’s similar to a military general who isn’t good at winning individual battles yet ends up winning an entire war simply because they are excellent long term planners. ¬†Even as a child I was a much better long term thinker than I was on a short term. ¬†And it used to irritate my friends, teachers, bosses, and parents real bad. ¬†Anytime I tired to explain that they were sweating the small things while losing sight of the entire picture, well I was condemned for having problems with authority and being a hopeless dreamer. ¬†Very few appreciated the fact that I was a long term thinker outside of a few cool teachers, my two best friends in high school, and my grandparents.

Of course this learned apprehension about not making any difference, at least not short term, has been made even worse by the mental illness. ¬†I try my best to remind myself that I am making a difference and I am making people think and question why the status quo is the way it is. ¬†And when I am not in the grips of the illness I know I am. ¬†Sadly, when the illness wins out, I seriously doubt my own abilities and if I am making a difference. ¬†I suppose it’s like a rapid version of the change of seasons or even high tide and low tide. ¬†The human mind is that powerful in that it can make false or distorted perceptions into an individual’s reality. ¬†We think, therefore we are I suppose.

I try telling people about the struggles involved in mental illness. ¬†But during moments of weakness I fear I make no difference. ¬†I know it’s not considered manly to express or feel fear or express and feel anything for that matter. ¬†But I no longer care about the expectations of others. ¬†Haven’t since I figured out at age seventeen that nothing I did would be considered good enough for some people. ¬†Some people will never be satisfied with what I do simply because that is the way they are. ¬†Such people are lost causes not worth even talking to or thinking about as far as I am concerned. ¬†I deal with such people only when absolutely unavoidable.

I try telling people about the advances in science, tech, humanitarian efforts, etc. ¬†But it makes no difference to most people. ¬†I remember a line in The Matrix were an AI named Agent Smith stated to the effect that humans find definition and meaning in misery and suffering and are incapable of accepting happiness and peace. ¬†I find this to be true in many of my day to day interactions with others, even with close friends and family. ¬†I hope it’s the blinders cast by the illness that makes me think this way. ¬†I really do. ¬†Maybe we vastly overestimate how much can be done on the short term but vastly underestimate the changes that can be done medium to long term.

Perhaps that is why the days at a dead end job or raising small children drag on forever but the years and decades pass rapidly. ¬†One day you’re 27 years old and get a bad annual review and a demotion from your boss or your two year old is screaming like he’s demon possessed because you won’t buy him a candy bar in the Wal Mart check out. ¬†Those days feel like a torment right out of Dante’s Inferno. ¬†But, wake up and you’re in your fifties and you’re the boss giving out bad annual reviews or you’re an elderly man on your death bed looking out at four generations of offspring from your marriage and feeling kind of bittersweet for not taking more time to appreciate your kids when they were asking endless questions or for foregoing summer vacations and weekends to work a thankless job that, not only didn’t miss you when you retired or got laid off, but can probably be done by a machine or algorithm better and cheaper.

Every cemetery in the world is full of people who never could imagine a world where their labor or delusional self importance wasn’t needed. ¬†We are living in that said world. ¬†Billions of dead people who couldn’t imagine a world as it is now and getting along just fine without them. ¬†Our descendants will live in such a world that won’t remember us for what work we did or what stupid arguments we were part of or anything for that matter. ¬†Because of genealogy, some people might get their names remembered for centuries. ¬†But no one will remember or care what they believed, how they worked, how they treated their kids and spouse, how they voted, etc.

Rather than being saddened by this fact of life, I am actually encouraged by it. ¬†I don’t have to save the world by myself. ¬†I am not the center of the cosmos (thank God). ¬†I am not responsible for the short sightedness and ignorance of others, only my own. ¬†And I needlessly worry about how others live their lives, especially if it doesn’t directly harm me or those I care about. ¬†I am not a superhero who has to save the world. ¬†I’m essentially an independent scholar with numerous interests trying to encourage those I encounter in this adventure we call life. ¬†Yet, because of my illness, it is easy to lose sight of the fact that I am just one man among billions of humans and that I don’t have to win all battles or save the cosmos on my own.