Tag Archives: anxiety

Reflections on Changes since 2015

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Final weekend in June 2026. Summer has returned with a vengeance. Fortunately, the air conditioning was fixed a while back. Looking like it will be a long summer.

One good thing about the heat and humidity is that my joints don’t hurt nearly as much now as they did in the winter. At least until the thunderstorms arrive.

I’m thinking a lot about my grandmother. She was born on June 28, 1918. She died in 2015. I’m thinking of all the changes she saw in her lifetime. I wrote a blog entry about this on this date in 2018. I’m now starting to think of the changes I’ve seen just since my grandma passed in 2015.

We had the world where Donald Trump was a real estate man and not a politician. Britian has had several prime ministers come and go. Brexit happened. We had a pandemic that killed millions of people all over the world. AI has become as common as smart phones. In 2015, AI was still mostly in the lab and not very good. Search engines were still a big deal before they branched into AI. Nvidia was known mainly by serious computer gamers. SpaceX and Tesla weren’t household names. Open AI wasn’t around. Drugs to treat obesity weren’t available to mass market. Podcasts were still niche. Self-driving cars were still experimental and not really available. EVs were mostly a niche luxury market. AI friends and lovers were science fiction. I liked Scarlett Johansen in the movie ‘Her.’ Turns out that is now science fact and not the science fiction it was a dozen years ago. Crypto currency was mostly limited to bitcoin and still very niche. Everyone (me included) thought 3D printers would be in every home the same way desktop computers were before the development of smart phones. Some predictions didn’t pan out.

As far as I know, I think more people in the world own smart phones than have easy access to safe drinking water. The level of AI we have today, well in 2015, was considered several decades away by most people. Hardly a day goes by where at least one company isn’t announcing layoffs (driven in part by automation and AI). China’s economy is probably bigger than even the U.S. economy. Most developed countries had birth rates decline below replacement level, whereas fifty years ago most people were worried about people having too many children. Turns out that prosperity and mass education reduced population growth to the point that many people are now worried that we won’t have enough people to keep civilization functioning at our current levels. Who can even guess what people of the 2070s will be worrying about in those regards?

In 2015 we weren’t spending trillions of dollars on building data centers and upgrading the power grid to power AI. In 2015, global trade was still relatively easy. Russia and Ukraine hadn’t gone to war. The US at war with Iran and Venezuela was unthinkable. Groceries were probably less than half the price they are now. Housing was still somewhat affordable. Gig work was mostly for younger people and retirees looking for extra income and not the necessity it is now. The idea of a person having a net worth of over one trillion dollars was the stuff of dystopic science fiction. Multi generational housing wasn’t common. Now it’s a necessity for many people. Heck, even I lived with my parents for two and a half years looking for a permanent home I initially thought would come open in only a few months.

I think the biggest change most people, me included, didn’t expect by 2026 was that white collar office jobs would be easily automated by AI. I figured it would happen eventually, I didn’t think it would happen by 2026. So now we have people who have tens of thousands in student loans because they were told that office jobs were safe from automation as recently as five years ago. The kids who would have never thought about the trades in 2015 are seriously looking at them now. The idea of Universal Basic Income was radical. Now it’s starting to look like might be needed if we don’t want millions of people in the streets starving and rioting.

Even though millions of jobs have been displaced and millions of people died during the pandemic, the stock market is doing better than ever. I imagine some people made more playing the stock and crypto markets than they ever did in a regular forty hour a week job. The stock market has gone from a rich person’s activity to almost a necessity for anyone wanting to manage money. Heaven knows banks won’t pay enough interest on savings accounts to even keep up with inflation. So much for the internet revolution making life cheaper. That was definitely the big prediction I personally got wrong.

A heck of a lot has changed since my grandma died in 2015. It seems like almost a lifetime of change was forced into barely over a decade. No wonder people are withdrawing and discouraged. I understand why many fear we are already living in a cyberpunk dystopia in 2026. We literally have near Star Trek like technology with the political and social leadership that hasn’t updated since at least the 1990s. Too many of our politicians, at least here in the west, still think like it’s 1996 and not 2026. In fact, many of the politicians we had in 1996 are still in power.

Reduced Stress In Middle Age with A Mental Illness

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Mentally I have been very stable all spring. The last nine months I have been here in my facility have been the most stable part of my life since I was diagnosed back in 2000. I don’t feel nearly as much stress as I did living in low income housing or even the two and a half years I lived with family until this facility came open.

After nine months of less stress, I realize the auditory hallucinations are quite rare now. I no longer hear footsteps outside my door that aren’t there. I no longer hear being critical of everything I do. I don’t have bad dreams very often anymore.

I had to come to a long-term care facility to live the least stressful life I have ever had. It doesn’t bother me that a significant amount of my disability pension goes to room and board and round the clock care. I get three hot meals every day, most of the time pretty good meals too. And I still lose weight most months.

I started doing some exercises a few days ago. Namely leg lifts, leg kicks, and things to loosen up my knees, legs, ankles, and hips. I can stand for longer periods of time. I still haven’t tried to walk across the room without assistance. I’m thinking if I keep losing weight I’ll start physical therapy again in a few months.

I did physical therapy for a while in December. But I was getting sent twice a day five days a week. Eventually I got injured and had to give it up. It was an injury to my dominant arm that took three weeks to heal. Probably never should have been doing therapy twice a day five days a week in the first place.

It has been really hot and humid here in OKC. But after a few summers down here I have adapted to the summer heat. At least my arthritis isn’t as bad in summer as it is in winter.

Updates, June 2026. Getting Better with Age

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Recently celebrated nine months in my current home here in OKC. A lot has changed for me. Updates are in order.

I am now cured of sleep apnea. Stopped using the CPAP machine in March. In my case my sleep apnea was cured by losing weight and fat. Been sleeping so well without the CPAP machine that I almost forgot what sleeping with it was like.

I’m cured of anemia too. It’s a good feeling to not feel weak and sleepy all the time. I sleep probably only half of what I slept even a year ago. Back to being a night owl and regularly writing. It’s a great feeling.

Even my mental illness isn’t as severe now as it was even one year ago. I still take two anti-psychotic medications, which I have been on since a DNA test revealed they would be good for me back in 2015. On top of that, I take only half of the dose I was with one of my medications that I was eight months ago. I haven’t even taken anxiety medications in over a year.

Much of my arthritis pain is gone, especially in my hands and feet. I still have some in my knees. But that will probably get better as I continue to lose weight.

Even my bladder isn’t as weak as it was a few years ago. I forgot how good it feels to hold in taking a pee simply because I can. Sure, my bladder isn’t as strong as it was in my late twenties when I went on road trips with my friends and we stop only for gas and food. At least I can hold in a piss for a longer time than I could a year ago.

Most of the water retention is gone. I can easily wear tight shorts and sweatpants again. As much as I appreciate a good pair of shorts or pants, I can totally understand why the Greeks and Romans liked togas with as much as I’ve worn hospital gowns while my swelling was going down.

I don’t need as much sleep anymore. I sleep like three hours in the night and then three hours in the morning after breakfast. It’s kind of odd to have more free time than I had the last few years because I’m not spending ten to fourteen hours a day sleeping. It’s a great feeling though.

I still don’t socialize much with other patients. I do socialize with the nurses’ aides, nurses, etc. several times a day. So, I’m not totally anti-social.

I usually get weighed the first week of every month. I’m due to be weighed again in a few days. If my body is any indication, I have lost weight in the last 30 days. I’ve lost weight most months I’ve been here in OKC. And I still eat three hot, home cooked meals every day. Heck, because I now eat three home cooked meals every day is probably why I’m losing weight most months.

I haven’t had any real crisis in several months. Sure, I have had annoyances. Most of those clear up within a few days or with a conversation or two with someone else. Even my mail getting lost for a few days isn’t a crisis anymore. Annoyance? Yes. Crisis? No.

I do love being in my forties. The gray hairs and the receding hair line don’t bother me any. Stuff that used to set me off even ten years ago I can laugh at now. I guess it helps that I had most of my crisis in my twenties and early thirties. Being 45 is a heck of a lot more fun than being 35.

I have gotten more respect since turning 40 years old than I did at any previous point in my life. Being a middle-aged man is far better than I could have ever imagined when I first went on disability pension.

Summer 2026: Thoughts on Current Events and the State of the Economy

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It’s feeling like summer here in OKC. I see that Europe has gotten really bad heat waves already. Looking like it could be a long summer. The air conditioning broke down on my wing a couple of days ago. At least I have good fans and access to lots of ice water. But the HVAC crew is currently working on the AC system even on a weekend. I love those guys.

In other summer news, my fantasy league baseball team is in last place in my league. Had lots of injuries early on and never recovered. But I play mainly for fun and make the ballgames more interesting. My team is named The Barn Stormers. It’s my first year back after taking two years off. Have done fantasy league baseball since like 2007. But I don’t obsess over it. And I have never gotten into sports gambling or predictions gambling sites like Draft Kings. If I have extra money to play with, I usually prefer the stock market. Just as well put my bachelor’s in business degree to work even while disabled.

Saw on Bloomberg that some of the big oil companies are warning about $160 a barrel crude oil by the end of summer. Crap like that happens when my country decided to go to war and shut down one of the most important sea trade lanes in the world. It’s like my leaders didn’t learn from the mistakes Russia made when invading Ukraine. I was afraid this war with Iran would be a lot longer than people thought. Too bad I was right. I guess some people in power just can’t let others be.

In addition to the high gas prices, another concern is the shortage of fertilizers for farming. So expect higher food prices than we already have. We may end up having to do like our great grandparents did in the 1930s and turn our backyards into gardens and chicken houses. Everyone I personally know who owns a house or rents a house already has a garden. Most of these people started serious gardening during the pandemic.

In other news, AI is replacing office workers really fast. I feared this would happen eventually. I was telling people about this clear back in 2012. Turns out it’s happening faster than even I thought. A friend of mine lost her office job to an AI a couple months ago. Still hasn’t found anything except for some gig work once in a while. I was afraid these changes would happen before the social safety net and laws would be adapted to a world of mass AI. Sadly I was right. It’s like those in power actively want to make things worse for entry and mid level workers.

Before people say ‘go into the trades’, even those are going to experience an oversupply of workers in a few years. That alone will drive down cost of labor. Basic economics, my friends. And what is happening to office workers now, that will be trades people when AI gets good enough to go into robots. Heck, Amazon already ’employs’ robot employees. And automation of factories is happening right now in China. We just don’t hear much about it in the US. Too busy fighting among ourselves to notice how much the world has really changed in the last dozen years. Brushing up on my Mandarin Chinese to get ahead of the rush. Ni hao to my Chinese friends 🙂 I think that’s how they say ‘hi’ over there.

With the way things are now, I’m glad I moved to OKC three years ago. At least I am close to family now rather than hundreds of miles away stuck in the middle of rural Nebraska. I get along quite well with my brother and his kids. I still see my parents a couple of times a month. My life has gotten a lot less stressful since I moved out of their house in the suburbs. I enjoy being in the city. At least I don’t have to drive everywhere now.

My birthday is in June. My drivers’ license expires then. While I will get the state issued ID, I won’t be renewing my driving license. I don’t think I’m safe being a driver anymore. My reaction times aren’t as sharp as they were even eight years ago. I don’t enjoy driving and haven’t for several years. Besides, here in the city, I get almost anything delivered and can hire Uber or Lyft if I really don’t feel like going out. We have some public transit, but most American cities are not as easily walkable as most places in Europe or Asia.

And why should I have a drivers’ license? Self-driving EVs will be hitting the used car market by the time I get well enough I could potentially leave my facility. I used to joke that my niece and youngest nephew would never really need a drivers’ license. My brother owns a self-driving EV. So, I guess I was right even when I made that prediction back in 2017.

I totally understand why people are worried about tech unemployment. As much as people complain about their jobs, it does give them structure and meaning. It took me a long time to adapt to life after employment once my schizophrenia got bad enough to destroy my career. It was one hell of a blow to my pride to get crippling panic attacks every day before I went to even a minimum wage job. I’m thankful for disability pension and was able to escape that mess before it killed me. I suppose you could say doing this blog is my way of giving back even though I can no longer hold a minimum wage job.

Keeping Body and Mind Busy with A Mental Illness

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One of the keys to living with a mental illness or disability is one has to keep busy. It’s important to keep moving as much as possible, even if it’s only a short walk, daily stretching, or chores around the apartment. Physical activity doesn’t necessarily have break a serious sweat or cause muscle pain. Enough to get the blood flowing a little faster and make one breathe deeper, even for only a few minutes at a time, can add up if done every day.

Mental stimulation is just as important as physical activity. To this end, I read traditional books, read online articles about science advances and economics, listen to audio files on YouTube. It helps that I went ahead and subscribed to YouTube premium as I got tired of all the ads every few minutes. Before I signed up for YouTube premium, I even had to sit through an ad while listening to an audio file of the Bible. Nothing says redemption quite like listening to ads for Chipotle or Toyota.

For my mental stimulation, in addition to lots of reading and podcasts every day, I also play building and simulation games on my laptop. I love games like Railroad Tycoon, Civilization, Total War, Stellaris, and Sim City. The closest thing to first person shooters I ever really got into were Skyrim and Cyberpunk 2077. I do play some sports games on my PS to break up the routine. Even then I try to do more simulations and off field management than actual game day play.

To this end, for example NCAA Football 26. I experiment sometimes with different recruiting, play calling, and scheduling styles. I like to sometimes create a new coach, start him at a small school, let him build the small school into a winning program, and then see if I can get jobs at larger universities. Once I started at Wyoming, plugged the option offense and an aggressive 3-4 defense in and was able to win conference within three years. I tend took a job at Arkansas and won back-to-back national titles within 5 years running the same option offense, aggressive defense, and focusing my recruiting efforts primarily in Texas. One of these days I’m going to start a career at somewhere I don’t normally take, like Notre Dame or Ohio State and run a 40-year dynasty at those places. I’ve already done multiple scenarios like that in previous versions of NCAA Football.

One of my favorite missions in Railroad Tycoon is to replay the building of The Orient Express in the 19th century. The Orient Express ran from Paris to Istanbul in real life and was considered a luxurious and exotic route, going through so many nations and cultures.

Those are some of my day to day routines in keeping my mind and body busy in my life with mental illness. I may never be well enough to regularly work again (at least not enough to support myself) but I am far from giving up on life.

March 9, 2026

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First Monday after time change. It’s feeling more like late spring here in Oklahoma than late winter. Already had several thunderstorms and some tornadoes in this state.

I now transferred my permanent mailing address to my facility. I can get amazon delivery to the facility, at least as long as the front desk person signing for my packages actually does their job and brings it to me. I had a package delivered today that was supposedly signed for by a sectary early today. It still hasn’t made it to my room. All of the staff is acting clueless even though amazon clearly stated who signed for my delivery. I do hate it when people treat me like I’m stupid.

Haven’t been sleeping well at nights the last week or so. We have a dementia patient on our wing who screams all night, every night. Management has been made aware of the situation but still refuses to do anything about it. This is the second time I had to deal with a screaming dementia patient since early February.

I don’t have much planned for St. Patrick’s Day. I will wear green and I do have some alcohol free Guiness coming. I guess that’s about as crazy as I’m going to get this year.

Book Review: Surviving Schizophrenia: A Family Manual by Dr. E. Fuller Torrey

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Dr. E. Fuller Torrey’s Surviving Schizophrenia is widely regarded as a foundational text for families, caregivers, and professionals navigating the complexities of schizophrenia. Now in its seventh edition, this book has stood the test of time as one of the most accessible and comprehensive guides on the subject.

A Compassionate and Practical Resource
Torrey, a psychiatrist with decades of experience in both research and clinical practice, approaches schizophrenia with deep empathy and clarity. He recognizes the confusion, fear, and emotional toll the illness can take on patients and families alike. His tone is reassuring yet candid, never sugarcoating the severity of the disorder, but always grounding his insights in hope and realism.

Structure and Content
The book is well-organized, covering a wide range of topics: definitions and diagnosis, symptoms, causes, treatments, navigating the mental health system, and tips for coping day-to-day. Torrey writes in plain language, making complex psychiatric concepts accessible without being simplistic. He intersperses scientific explanation with anecdotes and case studies, which humanize the condition and illuminate the real-life challenges of those affected.

Strengths

  • Comprehensive Scope: Whether you are just starting to learn about schizophrenia or are dealing with it firsthand, the book provides an in-depth overview of everything from medications and side effects to hospitalization and legal rights.
  • Family-Focused: As the subtitle suggests, it’s a manual for families. Torrey consistently centers the experiences of loved ones, validating their concerns while empowering them with tools and knowledge.
  • Historical and Political Context: Torrey doesn’t shy away from discussing the failures of the mental health care system, particularly in the U.S. He offers critical insights into deinstitutionalization, housing, and the legal system that add valuable context.

Criticisms and Limitations
Some critics have found Torrey’s views on involuntary treatment and the use of medication to be somewhat rigid or overly reliant on traditional psychiatric models. While he supports the use of antipsychotic medications as essential, alternative viewpoints (such as more psychosocial or recovery-oriented models) receive less attention. Additionally, the book’s medical tone and length may be overwhelming for readers in the midst of a crisis.

Conclusion
Surviving Schizophrenia remains one of the most important and enduring resources on this difficult and often misunderstood condition. Dr. Torrey’s combination of clinical rigor and personal compassion makes the book not only informative but deeply humane. While it may not fully reflect newer perspectives in psychiatric care, it is nonetheless indispensable for families seeking to understand and support a loved one with schizophrenia.

Recommended for: Family members, caregivers, social workers, students of psychology/psychiatry, and anyone seeking a comprehensive introduction to schizophrenia.

Challenges in Securing Long-Term Care in Oklahoma

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Rumor had it that a long term care facility an hour from the metroplex was already to accept me with open arms. That was over a week ago. Haven’t heard anything since. Getting into a care facility is proving to be impossible here in Oklahoma.

A few weeks ago Adult Protective Services were called on my behalf. My house isn’t handicap accessible and I need wheelchair accessible housing. I can transfer from a recliner or wheelchair to a hospital bed, but I still have pain in my ankles every time I walk. I can transfer but it is painful.

After APS was called on my behalf, I was sure I would get a placement within a couple of weeks. Normally they don’t get involved unless a situation is dire and beyond redemption. Well, both are the case in my situation.

I doubt my house can be made wheelchair accessible. Even if it could, I couldn’t afford even property taxes on this place after my parents are gone.

I’m just tired of the run around. I’ve had more problems with social security, Medicaid, healthcare, social services, hospitals, case workers, etc. in the two years I’ve lived in Oklahoma than my last seventeen years in Nebraska. Apparently, service quality varies greatly from state to state.

I’m to where I’m at my wit’s end. I’m tired of fighting and getting zero for results. I’ve grown hopeless and despondent. I sleep twelve hours a day to numb the pain. I’ve told off my parents a few times in the last several weeks because of frustration. I’m becoming something I don’t like. In short, I’m becoming the whining and bitter old man I promised myself I would never become.

I just want a permanent placing in a nursing home to where I can have wheelchair access and my day-to-day medical care provided. Apparently in the richest country in the history of the world that isn’t an option.

Dealing With My Physical Decline and My Friends Who Refuse to Acknowledge Decline

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Saw my home health nurse today. My mobility isn’t coming back like I had hoped at all. I’m still angry about physical therapy giving up on me after only one month. I’m angry that no long term care facility had a place for me.

It’s pretty damn obvious at this point that I am wheelchair bound and need accommodations. My case worker sees it. My home health nurse sees it. My doctor sees it. My parents see it. Hell, I saw it long before anyone. About the only people who are still in denial are my friends about my age. People can be awful stupid about some things.

My friends are the type of people who believe anything is probable, not possible, through positive thought and hard work. Hell, the believe if I don’t achieve mobility and good health again, it’s all my doing. With friends like that, who needs enemies?

I think my friends are in denial because it would force them to reflect on their own mortality and that they aren’t young anymore. It would also force them to reflect on the fact that one can do everything right and still lose big. Sometimes things just happen for no reason. My life is a prime example of this.

Temporary Disruption to My Routines

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We are currently in the process of getting new floors in my parents’ house. We’re taking out all of the carpet and replacing with laminate flooring. It will be easier to keep clean and trap less dirt than carpet. So, I’m dealing with the disruption to my day to day.

This is a welcomed change. I never did like carpet. It traps too much dirt and is a pain to keep clean. A few days’ worth of disruption to my routine for a problem that I won’t have to deal with again in my lifetime is worth it.

I do have allergies occasionally. Mostly due to dust. I had allergies really bad when I lived in rural areas due to all the corn dust and everything else living near farms and ranches entail. Not only are my sneezes loud, but they can also be painful. They also draw too much attention.

Removing the carpet in my house should take care of much of the dust problem. The process should be complete by December 18th. Just in time for Christmas.

Other than immediate family, I have no plans for Christmas. My brother and his family are hosting a huge four day get together. I probably won’t be going, at least not in person. I don’t do well in crowds. I’ve been doing so well for many weeks now. I don’t want to risk ending the winning streak.