Frustration With My Schizophrenia and Apologies

Haven’t been doing well lately.  Spent the better part of the last week and a half being a hermit and trying to avoid everyone else’s drama.  Decided to venture out today.  First thing I see as soon as I leave my apartment is several of my neighbors involved in a major argument.  It was bad enough I should have called the police on these people.  But it wouldn’t have done any good and would have made me a marked man among my neighbors.  I rarely long for the past, but the level of civility I see among my neighbors and friends is pathetic.  I’ve say they are like children but even children don’t act as bad as what I see and hear on a daily basis.  We say to ourselves “I ain’t sparing the rod on my child because that ain’t what my daddy did.”  I see more adults who could use spankings and beatings than I do children anymore.

I have reached my breaking point.  I have spent months more or less alone because I no longer want to deal with rude and irritable people all the time.  And when I do get out to socialize, I am constantly bombarded by negativity and stupidity.  It’s enough to make a man pull his hair out.  It is healthy to cut negative people out of your life, I am living proof of that.  But, when the vast majority of people near you are in a negative and toxic mood, it makes for many long days at home alone.  Maybe I just have too much compassion.  Maybe I just have too strong of feelings and passions.  I definitely am a passionate person who will speak his mind even if it is unpopular.  Been this way since childhood.  It made me an outcast as a child and got me ignored as a young man and now it’s driving wedges between myself and my neighbors and friends.  I hate having strong passions and feeling.  I hate having schizophrenia make these feelings even stronger.  I am sorry I am what I am.

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Struggles in Dealing With Stupid and Rude People

Been weathering so so overall.  I sometimes sleep out of boredom.  Sometimes I’m kind of irritated and short tempered.  I haven’t had any breakdowns yet though I’ve come close a couple times.  I guess I’m starting to go stale and crazy from the forced inactivity.

Haven’t been able to lose weight this winter.  Been having too many depressive days of not wanting to exercise and too much comfort food.  At this point I’ve come to accept that I’m probably not going to lose weight while on anti psych medications.  I’ve tried to for twenty years now.  No success.  Any weight I do lose I gain back within months.  I’m terrified of going to a general practitioner anymore.  I know I’m just going to hear the whole “Lose the weight or die” b.s.  Well, no kidding.  You try losing weight while on psych medications.  And you try to manage severe schizophrenia without psych medications.  I tried the herbal remedies when I was in high school.  They did nothing for me.  I even tried the Kevin Tredeau ‘natural cures’ b.s. before he was exposed as a fraud.  I never want to hear about natural cures and how evil science and medicine is ever again.

Science and medicine is why we no longer have half of children dying before adulthood, you idiots!  I hate people who make no effort to learn anything, especially science.  And since I live in a nation where learning, knowledge, and wisdom are routinely damned by even our elected leaders, I just as well be living a real life Idiotocracy.  It’s frustrating, it’s so frustrating.  Makes me think there is no reason to be intelligent and knowledgeable, at least not in this current time and place.  I’ve seen it my entire life.  And it gets worse and worse every passing year.  I’ve given up on my countrymen.  And don’t give me the love it or leave it b.s.  We already have nine million expatriates living overseas.  It ain’t just USA and two hundred “hell holes” anymore, not that it ever was.  This ain’t the 1950s, no matter how bad my elders want it to be.  I’m just tired of seeing nothing but stupid and belligerent people all the time.  I actually fake being in a foul mood sometimes just so I don’t look like a total weirdo to my neighbors and friends.  Normal people suck.  I refuse to be normal.

Nebraska Spring 2019 Floods / Dealing With Natural Disasters with Mental Illness

Been quite crazy in my home state of Nebraska the last several days.  Had real bad flooding over most of the state for the last five to six days because of all the melting snow and ice.  Since it had been one of the coldest winters in over thirty years, the soil was still frozen and all the melting ice and snow didn’t sink into the ground like it usually does.  So most rivers, creeks, lakes, etc were overflowing and spilling over.  Many smaller villages and towns, especially those close to rivers and lakes, have been evacuated.  Even bigger towns on the Platte and Missouri rivers had forced evacuations, namely Fremont, Norfolk, Columbus, etc.  The Air Force base at Omaha evacuated all their aircraft before all the runways were flooded.  Omaha, being on the Missouri, has bad flooding in some neighborhoods and bad ice jams on the river.  A nuclear power plant an hour drive south of Omaha was shut down for a while as a precaution.  I think it’s up and running again.  Dozens of bridges, levees, dams have broke and washed out.  Road damage is wide spread over the entire state, namely the eastern half.  Some ranchers lost their entire herds of cattle and pigs due to the floods in the east and the last blizzard in the western half of the state.  For a couple days, the main superhighway in our state, east and west bound Interstate 80, was closed from the city of Grand Island to the Wyoming border.  Many villages and towns have to boil their drinking water as a precaution now.  Many places lost power.  And several of the Native American reservations in the far north east part of the state were hit real bad.  Seems like most of the state is either soaked or just starting to dry out.

Fortunately my hometown avoided most of it, at least from what I can tell.  I haven’t left my house in the last three days.  Just decided to stay off the roads and out of the way.  We never lost power or water.  But I have just been staying near home and off the roads as a precaution.

Of course it has been stressful for me the last few days.  I have a few friends in Omaha and still some family in my childhood hometown.  As my parents now live in Oklahoma, I let them know right away I was alright.  Been sleeping more the last few days.  Managed to diffuse a couple potential breakdowns.  Been a little more irritable and short tempered than I would prefer.  I am hoping this mess dries out soon though the near term forecast doesn’t sound very hopeful as we’re supposed to get more rain over the next few days but it’s supposed to be more early spring like.  It does get old just staying home and playing the waiting game.  But not much else I can do right now.

Random Thought on an idle Friday afternoon

With it being a Friday, I am reminded of posts by friends of how much they love weekends and how much they hate their jobs. Maybe I got lucky by having a severe mental illness and being on disability. Perhaps I did, especially with how much I read about how people hate their jobs and their spouses. I also probably got lucky in that becoming disabled made me not marriage material. Yet, as it were, losing everything civilization told me to value made me fearless and optimistic. Once you lose everything, you are free to do anything it seems.

End of Winter, Maybe

Getting out of the apartment more than once a day now.  For awhile during the fall and winter, there would be times I’d go entire days without leaving my apartment.  But I guess that spending my days chatting with online friends, reading articles, and messing with computer games and programs gets stale after awhile.  A change was due.  Right now much of my region of the country is getting bad blizzards.  I personally have only a couple inches of snow, some ice, but terrible winds.  Fortunately it isn’t as cold as it could be, otherwise it would be Ice Age revisited.  And this happened right as most of the snow we’ve had since before Christmas was melted.  But, this being a late winter blizzard, should be melted soon.  Then we’ll worry about flooding.  So it goes.

Now that I actually want to leave my apartment and venture out, I can’t because of weather.  I’ve been bound to my town all winter just because it was too risky to travel.  My car doesn’t do well in snow.  So I pretty much stay inside most of the time.  I do force myself outside every few days just to get what little sunshine and fresh air I can.

Been having a few minor flare ups of irritability and depression lately.  Fortunately I’ve been able to constructively deal with these.  I do have to sleep more and severely limit my caffeine.  I haven’t had coffee in over a week.  While I do feel less irritable, I do sleep more and feel more scattered.  Fortunately I don’t get much for back pain anymore.  Maybe I have lost more weight.  I exercise some every day.  And I make it a point to stand up or lay down every couple hours so as to break up the boredom and long days.  Been a tougher than usual winter.  Physically it’s been tough because of the snow, cold, wind, and lack of physical activity.  It hasn’t been too terrible mentally.  The last several days have been the toughest.  But I’ve been socializing more too.  And I admit I get more irritated with rude people than I should.  I almost never respond to rude people except to avoid them at all costs.  I have enough going on already without dealing with unnecessary rudeness.

The unexplainable aches and pains are becoming less common.  I guess I’m taking more preventative measures now.  I no longer sit for more than two hours at a time. I sleep in my recliner half of the night to rest my lower back.  I sleep lying down so not to get leg cramps from sitting too long.  I take hot showers at least twice a day now, mainly to keep my joints warm and loose.  Sometimes a few minutes of hot running water on my knees, lower back, and hands will work more wonders than even a couple Advil.  And making a point to get up every couple hours to do even simple things like walk to the kitchen to get a cup of water or walking to check my mail every evening can keep my joints loose.  I think one of the problems I was having with my back and unexplainable aches was that I didn’t move around enough.  I went through a state of excessive paranoia and anxiety for much of 2017 and all of 2018.  I was scared to drive my car, I was scared to talk to my neighbors, I was scared to leave my apartment after dark, I was scared to walk my neighborhood, and I was even scared to check my mail.  Most of my mail is junk mail now that I do everything online almost.  The 1 percent that wasn’t junk mail was usually from social security or my landlady.  I always felt a tinge of anxiety with those letters, and any time I was called before anyone in authority.  I’ve had too many bad experiences with short sighted, heartless, and irritable people in authority over me.  I just don’t trust authority to not abuse their power and influence anymore.  And, yes, it is unnerving and scary.

Winter is almost over, at least according to the calendar.  And it isn’t happening too soon.  I’m beginning to get cabin fever real bad.  I guess even strong people have their breaking points.  I am convinced I would feel much better when the weather warms up and there are options to how to spend my days.

Successful Anger Management and Dealing With the End of Winter

Had a little bit of a flare up of irritability and anxiety this afternoon.  Sometimes these can be started if I have too much caffeine in a real short time.  And since I’ve been drinking more coffee and vanilla flavored cola the last several days and not sleeping as much as I usually do, it was only a matter of time before it caught up to me.  Fortunately I navigated out of my flare up without taking it out on anyone.  After a few minutes of fuming and fitting and ranting (though not yelling) and taking my irritability out by punching a few pillows and doing some arm weights, I think I’m back to my usual self.

The weather is quite decent today in spite being windy and partly cloudy all day.  It’s been above freezing the last few days, so the snow and ice melts during the day.  But it still gets below freezing after sunset, so it does make travel at night kind of unnerving for me.  I never could have made it as a truck driver with as much as I don’t like driving in bad weather or heavy traffic.

As it is, it’s days like this that remind me that winter is just about over.  And the start of Lent season for my Catholic friends is another reminder too.  A college friend of mine teaches school in Netherlands and went to Italy for a few days this last week.  He visited the Vatican and got to hear the Pope speak on Ash Wednesday.  Definitely something on “the bucket list” for anyone with an interest in history and culture.  The closest culture thing of that kind of magnitude I ever did was visit ancient Aztec pyramids and ruins when I visited Mexico City as a teenager.  So glad I got to travel some and see a few cool things before the mental illness got to where it put a cramp on my physical health and ability to travel for days at a time.

Spring is about here.  Baseball starts in a couple weeks, two of my closest friends have birthdays next week, my brother’s birthday is later in March, and the last season of Game of Thrones gets going, ironically on April 14, the day before tax deadline here in USA.  April, May, and June have always been happy times of year for me.  It’s isn’t icy or cold like winter, not too hot and humid like summer, and not the rush of activities that fall is with the start of school, harvest, preparing for winter, and fall sports seasons.

I didn’t get as much hard reading done as I would have liked this winter.  Sure I made it a point to read every day, but I read mostly online articles for science and tech sites.  Too bad more of this isn’t reported on the large media outlets, though they are getting better about it recently.  I look forward to warmer weather and more sunshine.  We went almost a month in my town without getting above freezing point.  One of the longest bitter cold streaks I can remember.  But the beginning of the end of winter is here.