I’ve been on this new medication routines for two weeks. I’m noticing improvements. I don’t feel very depressed or paranoid anymore. In addition to a new medication routine, I’m also taking multivitamins and probiotics. I’m noticing that I have less unexplainable aches and pains. I am sleeping less than I was previously. I now average 8 to 9 hours a night whereas during the winter and spring I got almost 12 hours a night. Mentally I’m feeling more stable. Physically I’m feeling more energetic and getting a little more active with each passing day. I get out and socialize a little every day, even if it’s just when I go check my mail or go to the vending machine. Overall I’m feeling better than my usual summer fare.
Summer came a little early this year as it got real hot in early June and stayed that way for two weeks. Unfortunately my air conditioner broke down on me. So I’ve been using lots of fans and a window air conditioner unit for two weeks now. The repair man said I needed a new unit as the old one was over thirty years old. That’s supposed to be getting done within the next day or two.
Have dined out only once in the last week. For awhile when I was really depressed and paranoid, I didn’t do much grocery shopping and ate fast food at least once a day. It’s no wonder I was feeling sluggish and lethargic. Since I quit eating out every day, I’ve noticed I don’t have nearly as many aches and pains and I have more energy and actually want to be active. I’m also severely cutting back on sugar. I no longer drink sugared soda pop and I haven’t had candy bars or ice cream in months. I may not be losing weight as fast I would like, but I definitely feel better overall. And it’s all because of a few minor changes in medication routine and diet.
Been staying near the complex and avoiding the early summer heat the last few days. Bought groceries early this week so, in theory, I don’t have to leave the house for the next several days. I’ll probably have to stay at home tomorrow as I’ll be getting a new air conditioner and thermostat. My old air conditioner was almost forty years old and it broke down two weeks ago. So I’ve been using lots of fans and a portable air conditioner since. I’m glad that this problem will be solved soon.
I’ve been having a lot of issues hanging over my head for weeks that just seem to take longer then they should to get resolved. My sink was fixed a couple weeks ago. I started a new medication a week ago. I’ve been sleeping in a recliner for a week now as my lower back has been giving me pain. But I’ve been feeling quite stable mentally for the last several days. I don’t want to sleep all the time anymore. I’m usually awake quite early instead of sleeping until noon. I’m taking better care of myself. And I’m making a point to get out of my apartment to socialize with my neighbors for at least a few minutes every day. The socializing is going kind of rough as there aren’t any people in my apartment complex who share my interests or likes. Looking back on it, having three friends in here die within six months a couple years ago really effected me. I lost a lot of good conversations after that. So it’s tough finding things to talk about with people anymore.
Had an odd incident over the weekend. One of our tenants accidentally dropped his house keys down the crack in the elevator floor. The keys fell into the elevator shaft. And he cursed me out when I asked him what happened. This was an elderly tenant who doesn’t believe in things like mental illness or even disability insurance. I was taken aback at first by the viciousness of this tenant. But I stayed clam and didn’t respond to his verbal attack. I’m glad that I didn’t yell back at him. But I do wonder why he was mad at me for his gaffe.
Over the years, whether at work, school, or in public, the vast majority of the verbal abuse and threats I have received have been from people over fifty years old. I never could understand why elder people hate younger people. Yeah I’m getting older myself and having unexplainable aches and pains. But I refuse, flat out refuse, to take out my problems on young people or anybody else for that matter. I don’t understand people in general, but I especially don’t understand elderly people or people in places of authority. From what I have seen, it seems the older a person gets, the less empathy they have and the more impatient they become.
When I was working retail and fast food, the vast majority of the verbal abuse I got for not working fast enough came from elderly people. Sure I met some really cool elderly people who treated me well. But I just don’t understand why some people become mean and uncaring when they become older. I mean, older people are more apt to be serious about religion than younger people. Common sense would say those people would be more forgiving, loving, and charitable. Not always the case. I for one will not pull the same abuse on young people like what was pulled on me. I refuse to complain about how they dress. I refuse to complain about their music or movies or media. I’ve had my elders complain about me and my peers since I was in grade school. As if nine year olds are responsible for my country having such low test scores compared to most other developed countries. I just want to show more compassion and understanding to all people, younger and older alike, than what has been shown to me over the years. Humans must be the only species on the planet that actively seek to sabotage their offspring.
I just get tired of all the arguing and fighting all the time. I just want to live in peace with everyone as much as possible. I’m tired of always feeling like I have to look over my shoulder and be on guard at all times. Civilized people aren’t supposed look for arguments or fights. But that isn’t what I’ve seen for a long time.
It’s been a few days since I saw my psych doctor. We decided to add a third medication. I think it’s starting to work. I’m getting a little more active with each passing day, I’m starting to wake up earlier, I’m feeling less depressed, I’m feeling less paranoid, and I’m getting out of my apartment more often. So I think the psych appointment was a good idea. I see him again in a week.
I’m surprised at how fast I’m improving. I haven’t felt this decent in a while. I hope things keep improving.
A few days ago my family came to visit me. We spent the day cleaning my apartment. Once that was done I went to see my psych doctor. We decided to add a third medication and I’m supposed to see him again in two weeks.
Other routines that have changed is I’m waking up earlier and not staying awake all night like I used to. Since I’ve been having pains in my lower back again I’ve been sleeping in my recliner more. I still spend the bulk of my days in my apartment and alone. I still don’t want to leave my place very often. Even though I’m sleeping less I find myself wanting to sleep at the oddest times. I want to sleep but fortunately I can’t fall asleep whenever I want.
I’m still keeping in contact with old friends and family. At least that hasn’t fallen apart. But other than that I still don’t socialize much. I guess I’m only now starting to realize how far I have declined in the last year and a half.
I am now throughly convinced I have been delusional about how not delusional I have been for the last several months. I admit to isolating most of the time and rarely leaving my apartment. I admit to rarely socializing with other people and tenants in my complex. I admit to occasionally going days without showering. But I don’t think I realized how delusional I was being about my problems.
I talked to my landlord this afternoon. She told me that there were several tenants worried about little I was socializing and how unkempt I have been for a long time. I have pretty much isolated and kept to myself since last summer. I just got to where I saw no point in socializing. In my delusion diseased mind, I was thinking most people are violent idiots who would rather curse you out and physically harm you than say hello to you. Fortunately most of these thoughts are symptoms of my mental illness flaring up and not being treated effectively. My fellow tenants and landlord aren’t angry at me nor do they want to see me thrown out on the street. They are actually very worried about me. I just didn’t realize how far I had fallen in the last year because of the delusion blinders I had due to my illness.
I have gotten to where I was scared to leave my apartment. I have gotten to where I was scared to go to the laundry room and wash clothes. So I have been doing most of my laundry in my bathtub for the last few months. Let’s face it, it just doesn’t do the job like a regular wash machine. I have gotten to where I am scared to socialize in person with anyone. I don’t go outside to talk with people because in my delusion wracked mind, most people were just bitter and angry all the time. I have gotten to where I’m just scared and depressed all the time. And I hate it. I see my psych doctor tomorrow afternoon and I am demanding he put me on something else. My current routine isn’t working at all.