Been staying near the complex and avoiding the early summer heat the last few days. Bought groceries early this week so, in theory, I don’t have to leave the house for the next several days. I’ll probably have to stay at home tomorrow as I’ll be getting a new air conditioner and thermostat. My old air conditioner was almost forty years old and it broke down two weeks ago. So I’ve been using lots of fans and a portable air conditioner since. I’m glad that this problem will be solved soon.
I’ve been having a lot of issues hanging over my head for weeks that just seem to take longer then they should to get resolved. My sink was fixed a couple weeks ago. I started a new medication a week ago. I’ve been sleeping in a recliner for a week now as my lower back has been giving me pain. But I’ve been feeling quite stable mentally for the last several days. I don’t want to sleep all the time anymore. I’m usually awake quite early instead of sleeping until noon. I’m taking better care of myself. And I’m making a point to get out of my apartment to socialize with my neighbors for at least a few minutes every day. The socializing is going kind of rough as there aren’t any people in my apartment complex who share my interests or likes. Looking back on it, having three friends in here die within six months a couple years ago really effected me. I lost a lot of good conversations after that. So it’s tough finding things to talk about with people anymore.
I am now throughly convinced I have been delusional about how not delusional I have been for the last several months. I admit to isolating most of the time and rarely leaving my apartment. I admit to rarely socializing with other people and tenants in my complex. I admit to occasionally going days without showering. But I don’t think I realized how delusional I was being about my problems.
I talked to my landlord this afternoon. She told me that there were several tenants worried about little I was socializing and how unkempt I have been for a long time. I have pretty much isolated and kept to myself since last summer. I just got to where I saw no point in socializing. In my delusion diseased mind, I was thinking most people are violent idiots who would rather curse you out and physically harm you than say hello to you. Fortunately most of these thoughts are symptoms of my mental illness flaring up and not being treated effectively. My fellow tenants and landlord aren’t angry at me nor do they want to see me thrown out on the street. They are actually very worried about me. I just didn’t realize how far I had fallen in the last year because of the delusion blinders I had due to my illness.
I have gotten to where I was scared to leave my apartment. I have gotten to where I was scared to go to the laundry room and wash clothes. So I have been doing most of my laundry in my bathtub for the last few months. Let’s face it, it just doesn’t do the job like a regular wash machine. I have gotten to where I am scared to socialize in person with anyone. I don’t go outside to talk with people because in my delusion wracked mind, most people were just bitter and angry all the time. I have gotten to where I’m just scared and depressed all the time. And I hate it. I see my psych doctor tomorrow afternoon and I am demanding he put me on something else. My current routine isn’t working at all.
The Memorial Day weekend has come and gone and now the weather will definitely start getting hot soon. I’ve been feeling stable but on and off depressed for months, especially since the middle of winter. I think some of this depression comes from just being so lonely all the time. There are only so many books I can read before I’m burned out. Fortunately I was able to see a couple cousins and their families for the afternoon over the long weekend. I hadn’t seen either cousin in a long time. It was fun catching up with them. First prolonged intelligent conversations I had in months.
I gets bouts and depression and loneliness more frequently than I used to. It doesn’t help that I don’t really have any friends in my apartment complex anymore. It also hurts that I had major falling outs with a few old friends that I had known for several years. One of these friend couldn’t respect the fact that I’m not working a regular job and spending most of my time alone. This person also thought I’m wasting my time with this blog. Well, I sent that friend packing. If a person can’t respect my decisions about work and how I spend my time, then we can’t be friends.
Another friend and I had a falling out over politics. I’m sure I’m not the only person who can claim that these days. But I just can’t stand how divisive and hateful modern politics has become. It didn’t used to be this way. Besides, political fan boys on all sides seem to be too blind to realize that modern politicians don’t care about the voters unless said voters are lobbyists or big money donors. The way some of my friends and family post on Facebook, you’d think they were getting paid for every post about politics they put on their sites. Besides, does anyone change their thinking because of these posts. It’s like watching monkeys at the zoo fling manure at each other but not nearly as entertaining and far less civilized. I’d quit Facebook and twitter if they weren’t the only means I had to keep in contact with most of my friends and my key promotional materials for this blog. Mark Zuckerberg really has a business monopoly that would do any 19th century robber baron proud.
The biggest reason I don’t post about my particular beliefs is that, well, no one group reflects what I value. When it comes to social issues, it depends on the issue. When it comes to having a good military, I’m in line with some Reagan era Republicans even if I’m not as interventionist. When it comes to curbing the abuses and excesses of Wall Street and big business, I’m almost as militant as any Occupy Wall Street guy. And I definitely won’t support any politician of any stripe that wants to cut science funding. Science funding is quite small compared to military or social programs. I don’t have a political home because there isn’t any party that reflects what I value. And I think many people in the under 40 crowd feel the same way. And I know it may irritate some of my elders to write this, but I think the last thing our world needs is a senior citizen politician who isn’t familiar with science and modern technology. My parents generation has been in charge for almost thirty years. Retire and play with your grandkids already, you earned it 🙂
I guess the biggest reason I have been fighting depression for awhile is that my primary means of socializing and communicating, social media sites, have become so toxic and nasty even among friends and family. And I think it sucks. Some days I doubt I really am making any positive difference. Heck, some days I wonder if people even want positivity and happiness in their lives.
Been a few days since I last wrote. But that is mainly because I really haven’t had any real ups or downs. I’ve been quite stable for several days. Haven’t felt any real anxiety or depression for any true length of time. I still spend most of my time alone without much for physical interaction. But I still interact with friends and family via phone calls and Facebook. I don’t mind being alone as much as I used to. It’s a routine that doesn’t cause me stress and anxiety. I just see no need to interact with my neighbors much as I really have no interest in talking about mundane things like weather and complex gossip. I just have no use for that kind of information I can pick up on my own within seconds. I don’t have to rehash the same mundane nonsense over and over again. It bores me and irritates me. I mean, seriously, please tell me something I don’t already know. Or better yet, tell me something that is interesting.
Naturally many people I have met over the years have thought I was aloof, arrogant, and anti social. This is mainly because I have interests outside of my home community, sports, and politics. It was tough growing up in an era before the internet in an isolated village. I was annoyed at how everyone in my village thought my business was their business. This bothered me even in grade school. I had always heard “If you’re not up to anything bad, it shouldn’t matter who knows”. No. Most people I knew and know today are really judgmental of anyone outside of the accepted norm. I am outside of the norm on just about everything. Playing football in high school was probably the only thing I did growing up that many people would have thought normal. No I don’t like mindless chit chat. No I don’t like chasing women. No I don’t like most of what is on tv. There’s a lot of things I like that most people don’t care at all about. I like discussing the possibilities of future science and technology. I like discussing history. I like discussing philosophy. I like discussing classical literature. I like writing. I like reading. It seems that most people I know haven’t read a book since high school. And if any of likes or dislikes makes me appear as an elitist intellectual snob, than so be it. We need more people who try to think rather than just through life sub conscious.
None of these social problems are made easier by having schizophrenia. But at least having mental illness and problems socializing has taught me who is and who isn’t trustworthy. I may not have lots of social contacts, but I do have some amazing family and friends. And in the end, isn’t that what life is all about?
Got a few things done over the weekend. I renewed my lease on my apartment. I did this because my lease was going to expire in May and if I do move it won’t be until late summer at the earliest. Also got new license plates for my car. My state changes the designs every few years. And for the first time in years Nebraska has plates that aren’t sensory overload 🙂 Simple is good sometimes.
I’m still feeling quite stable mentally. I think I finally cured my problems of sleeping too much. I usually sleep only six hours a night now and nap for an hour in the afternoons. Haven’t felt any real depression or anxiety for a few weeks now. I go sometimes get lonely as I don’t have much for intelligent conversation in my apartment complex. Outside of my landlady, I don’t get much for interesting conversation. Most people in my complex seem to be content to complain about how they don’t get enough in social security or about the antics of fellow tenants. Well, it’s not my fault some of these people spend so much money on cigarettes and lottery tickets. And it’s also not my fault that some people allow themselves to worry themselves sick over things that don’t matter. It just gets old after awhile having the same conversations about the weather or who did what to whom.
I admit to isolating more than is healthy. At least more than is healthy for most people. But I never really have enjoyed socializing. Let me take that back, I enjoy socializing with certain types of people. I enjoy socializing with intellectuals, avid readers, and people with a wide range of interests. I just don’t get that very often. I have never gotten that very often, especially when growing up. I did get to socialize a great deal with interesting, intelligent, and well read people when I was in college. College was the happiest five years of my life. Unfortunately it was also a temporary environment. I have never met the range of people and intelligences I met in college since. It’s not even close.
The older I get the less chances I have to socialize. Many of my well read college friends now have careers and families, so I don’t get to see them very often. Even my friends without children I don’t get to talk to as often as I would like. Right now the big thing saving my sanity and keeping my social life alive is participating in group forums on Facebook. Sure I’ll never get to meet those people as we are spread all over the world, but I still get to have some kind of socializing with people I can relate to.
I don’t enjoy going to bars on Saturday nights. I don’t enjoy talking about sports or politics for hours on end. I never cared for people who complained about their jobs or spouses. I guess I am ultimately not someone you would want as a dinner guest. I just have little use for small talk about mundane nonsense. I imagine that makes me look like a show off to most normal people. But I’m really not showing off that much of what I know and can remember. I actually have to dumb down around most people. And I can’t stand it. That’s why I love the internet so much. I can much, much easier meet with people with similar interests than I could ever have imagined twenty years ago. The internet is a social God send for me. I don’t think I’d be as stable without the interactions I get from others through it.
I’m glad that spring is finally back. I’ve been getting outside a little more often, I’m keeping my place a little cleaner, I’m watching baseball most nights, and I’m even eating less too. I’m still not as physically active as I would like but I think it’s starting to come back. After my car accident in October 2015 I gained back most of the weight I had lost in the previous two years. I think I’m finally back on the right track. Since I still don’t have a great deal of stamina yet, I’m cutting back on calories as much as I can. This means I’m giving up most sugar and eating meat only once a day. I am also doing my best to avoid fried foods. After several weeks of eating less than usual, I think I’m in a new routine. I can’t even eat as much as I could last summer. One of my problems was, after my accident, I got depressed and lost much of my confidence. From there I just got lazy and ate a lot. I have made efforts over the last several weeks to break out of this vicious cycle. And I think I’m starting to see results.
I’ve also noticed my habits are getting better too. During the winter I had gotten kind of lazy about shaving and cleaning up as there were entire days I didn’t leave my apartment complex. I’m back into good habits like these again. I would hate to think I let my personal appearance slide just because I was depressed by lousy weather. But mental illness can do odd things to a person.
I’m starting to socialize some again. Not so much with my neighbors as I am family and old friends. I still don’t enjoy the fact that many of my neighbors are grumpy and irritable most of the time. I have been around that kind of negativity for years and I don’t want it dragging me down. I spent enough of my life being depressed, irritable, and a pessimist. I just don’t want that anymore.
I’ve been feeling more depressed and frustrated than usual the last few days. I think it’s because I’m spending too much time on sites like Facebook, twitter, and youtube. I’ve decided I’m going to avoid most socializing for the next several days and see if I feel better then. It saddens and angers me that I can’t even have a civil conversation with a friend without having to sort through angry posts and memes. I really hope these people aren’t that mean and angry with people in real life. I hope they aren’t but then again many people have messed up priorities.
I would love to know when my friends and my countrymen became so angry and divided. And why do they feel like it’s a God given duty to spew that venom and hate for the whole world to see. You don’t live in an echo chamber. People who don’t agree with what you post see that stuff all the time. We usually don’t comment or respond. We certainly weren’t this divided in the months after 9/11.
I also don’t understand why my countrymen are so obsessed with politics. People didn’t used to be nearly this obsessed, at least not that I can remember. Believe it or not, there are other things going on in life than politics. Politicians are not gods. I will say that again, politicians are not gods. Stop treating them as such.
I imagine my friends on Facebook get tired of me posting about science and technology. I have only a handful of friends who post on science. But almost all of them feel a duty to do posts complaining about politicians or complaining about protesters or complaining about people who complain about protesters. Protesting, if done properly, can lead to change. Look at colonial America, Ghandi’s India, and the Civil Rights protests. Too bad there weren’t more people protesting the actions of the governments early on in Nazi Germany, Soviet Russia, etc. I am especially disgusted with some states trying to pass laws for harsher penalties for protesters. There wouldn’t be as many protests if the politicians were actually doing a good job. You want to stop protests, listen to the people and quit doing stupid things. Even Jesus protested the abuses and hypocrisy of the religious and political leaders of his time and place.
While I will be going underground and not socializing much for the next several days, I still will be doing research and writing blogs. My critics aren’t getting rid of me that easy. I just have to unplug from the insanity for a few days. Most people need to unplug from the insanity for a few days and realize that someone who disagrees with them is not evil.