Spent the last couple days out of my hometown while visiting family. It was pleasant to unplug and unwind while enjoying the company of my parents. Didn’t get much done on this trip other than unwind and touch base with family. I was needing at least a couple days of different surroundings. I visited my family at the acreage. It was good to be back around nature and less rush. While I am a self admitted city slicker even though I grew up in a rural area, it was still fun to be outside again for a couple hours at a time without being paranoid of being watched by nosy neighbors.
I sometimes get paranoid around even individual people nearby, especially when I want to be alone. When I was in college, I used to take my trash to a dumpster on the other side of town because I was afraid that people where going through my trash. I used to be afraid that neighbors and even family were listening in on my conversations. But the real paranoia I am working against now is that I fear that I am losing favor with my neighbors and fellow tenants in my complex. I may not be the greatest tenant in my complex, but I still try hard to be friendly with people and just avoid arguments as much as possible. Fortunately in my over ten years at my current address, I have had real arguments with only three tenants that I can think of right off hand. Fortunately those cleared up really quick and the problems were resolved shortly afterwards.
Paranoia is indeed strange. I know in the reasonable part of my mind that my paranoias aren’t real and that I’m essentially worrying over nothing that can’t be easily resolved. But, the irrational part of my mind keeps replaying these paranoid thoughts on an endless loop. Drowning out the paranoid thinking process with positive news that is actually happening helps. Positive thoughts help, especially if they can be shown to be true. That’s why I spend a lot of time researching science advances and medical news. Yet, even then, occasionally the paranoia gets the better of my reasonable side. The problems I had over the last few days, fortunately, tend to get more rare and even less intense than even a few years ago. I was happy that I was able to go through this last round of problems without yelling and acting out. I’ve notice the breakdowns I do have anymore don’t seem to be as intense. I hope I have gotten better with letting off a little at a time rather than holding it in for a major meltdown.
I was more depressed and weary than angry and irritated these last few days. I guess that depression and weariness are becoming stronger than irritation and anger at this stage in my life. I’m glad that it takes more to anger me than in years past. I no longer avoid driving because of fears of going into road rage; I avoid driving now partly because I find it kind of boring and I don’t like being on the lookout for people who just aren’t paying as much attention to the road as they should. It doesn’t make me angry, but it does make me think ‘how bad do I really want to go out tonight when I can still contact friends from home.’ I used to love to travel. But I don’t enjoy the travel as much now. I enjoy the company of friends and family more now.
I’ve been feeling quite calm and content since Thanksgiving. I really haven’t left the complex that much but I do keep myself occupied. I still watch a lot of educational videos on youtube and curiosity stream. Most people will find me odd for saying this but I love learning new things. Sure the things I learn may not help me make more money or land a dream job, but so what? Why does everything I do have to have a dollar sign attached to it? Why can’t I do something just to make myself smarter and more interesting? I know plenty of well to do people who haven’t voluntarily read a book since high school. But these people are one dimensional, boring, and really don’t know what’s going on in the world outside of their workplace. You may make a lot of money but that doesn’t make up for the fact you may be boring, uninteresting, a bad parent, or your marriage is falling apart. Most of my critics think I’m wasting my time and efforts learning extemporaneous things and not doing practical things like chasing women or complaining about my coworkers. But I don’t care. I’ve reached the age where I’m focused on what I need to do to advance my work and purpose and everything else is just background noise.
As it is I consider this blog and my own enlightenment my career now. I don’t care that I don’t make much money from it. Besides money isn’t backed up by anything tangible as most countries haven’t been on a gold or silver standard for generations. Your money is fake. Your money is less real than a porn star’s body parts. And that is why I don’t care that I don’t get much money from this blog or my other outside projects. My critics just love to brag about how much they work in one breath and then complain about how much they hate their jobs in the next. Robots and automated programs will be taking many jobs within the next twenty years. Someday that job you lord over others to brag about how much you are earning your keep will be taken over by machines. Then what? Then you will be in the same place with the “welfare bums” and “lazy idiots” you have damned for generations.
I really have no patience for people who brag about how much they supposedly work and about how irreplaceable they are. Screw you, we are all replaceable. There have been tens of billions of humans that have lived in the history of our species, individuals are not that special. Many jobs will be replaced by machines within the next generation. Many millions of people will be unemployed without their consent. And here you are complaining about people that can’t find jobs to support themselves or resorting to welfare programs. Well, screw you! We will probably all be on some kind of tax payer sponsored support within the next thirty years, especially when automation takes off.
Many people think we’re going to bring back millions manufacturing jobs and it’ll be like the go go 1950s once again. First of all, most manufacturing jobs are getting to the point that machines can do them better than any human can. Even Chinese factories are putting in robotic manufacturing processes as we speak. It’s not like an average person just out of high school is going to work the same factory job for forty five years and then get a pension anymore. Those days are as dead as the horse and buggy. And it’s stupid and pointless to try to bring those days back. If we are to compete on a world stage, we’re going to have to update our entire education system and retrain millions of workers. It angers me to think that I spent my educational career in a mediocre system that didn’t challenge me or even try to prepare me to compete on a global scale. Heck I feel like I was cheated by my school systems. There is more to life than whether you can throw the football a long way or become prom queen.
We aren’t going to bring back the “good ol’ days”, and they weren’t that good to begin with. I have no patience with people who have an overabundance of nostalgia for the past and think that the old days were some magical time where people respected others and an honest day’s work meant an honest day’s pay. In most cases, an honest day’s work meant you didn’t get whipped by your slave masters for most of history or beaten by your alcoholic husband. I hate nostaliga and I am really sick and tired of people longing for a past that never existed in the real world. Do your homework already!
I guess I shouldn’t rant that much about people who won’t do their homework. But it does get old after awhile. It does scare me that even though I’m a schizophrenic on disability pension I do more homework into the state of science, technology, and world affairs in a typical day than most people do in a month. The internet is a great tool to learn cool and great things. Use it for some constructive purpose already. The internet was not designed just so you could troll people who don’t agree with you. Dealing with stupid people who think they’re something special because they have the internet (which they had nothing to do with in making) gets tiring and discouraging from time to time. I guess this is one of those times I’m just discouraged with so many people in my life acting and thinking like a bunch of barbarian brutes. I will feel better eventually but I just need to vent right now. Even mentally ill people should be allowed to have moments of weakness. Screw the stiff upper lip at all times!