Been feeling pretty decent overall the last few days. My neighbors hosted a cookout. We had barbecued pork. It was exactly what I needed. Been having fewer aches and pains the last several days. My parents bought me some new furniture. My new recliner is several inches higher than my previous ones. It feels good to finally have a chair where I’m not sitting so low. Getting in low chairs was never a problem, but getting out was becoming a problem with my sore knees.
Still sleeping more. I often sleep during the days. I sometimes wake up for a couple hours in the overnight. Mentally I feel more stable. I saw my parents and my brother last week. I hadn’t seen my brother in a couple years. It was good to touch base with him. We weren’t really close as kids. But at least we are making up for that as adults.
I’ve now spent two months in self quarantine. While things are opening back up, I’m still staying home. I’m still paranoid about leaving my apartment. And I sometimes have anxiety problems. At least they don’t last very long. I’ve had only one breakdown since self quarantine started. That was about a month ago.
I find myself wanting to sleep more. Sometimes I sleep just out of depression. Sometimes I’ll just lay in bed for a couple hours in the afternoon just to let my mind wander. I occasionally have hallucinations, especially as I try to fall asleep. I often hear footsteps of people that aren’t there. I sometimes hear knocks on my door when no one is there. I sometimes hear doors open and close. And I’m beginning to get paranoid around some of my neighbors. I sometimes fear they secretly don’t like me and want to get me evicted. I sometimes fear people will try to break into my place and rob me, sometimes even during daylight hours. I’m scared my neighbors will try to pick arguments and fights with me sometimes. It just seems that people are more angry and quicker to fight lately.
I no longer find socializing enjoyable. I spend most of my time at home. I’ll sweet talk my neighbors into picking up my mail once a week just so I don’t have to be forced to socialize. I’m scared I’ll get into a heated conversation that I wanted nothing to do with in the first place. I don’t even find socializing over the phone very enjoyable anymore. I fear people will think I’m rude if I don’t want to talk. So I sometimes lie and say I have another call or someone knocking on my door if I need to end a conversation quickly. I just don’t want to socialize anymore. Some days I want to spend all day in bed. But I don’t simply because I’m paranoid that someone will knock on my door or call my phone and I’ll be expected to answer at a moment’s notice. I fear people get angry with me if I have to make them wait at all. I’ve had this fear for most of my life.
Overall I’m feeling pretty decent. I usually make a point of leaving my apartment at least once a day or host guests. Whenever I have delivery people come, I usually meet them on the ground floor lobby instead of wait in my apartment. Been doing this for a week. It gets me out of the apartment and forces me to socialize more.
Started reading more again. Had been lazy about that for almost two weeks. I usually go to bed around 9pm and wake in the middle of the night. I stay up for usually two to three hours and then go back to sleep, usually until 7am.
I have been fighting a minor cold for a few days. Just taking vitamin C pills and drinking hot fluids until this clears. Second cold I’ve had this winter as I had one around New Year’s.
Spring is a few weeks away. This winter hasn’t seemed as long as some previous winters. I’m looking forward to warmer weather again and not having to sit under a blanket most of the time.
Mentally I feel pretty decent for the most part. I sometimes have moments of anxiousness and irritability. Fortunately I can break out of it usually after a few minutes. I’m glad I haven’t had problems in front of neighbors or family lately. Sometimes breathing exercises and just disconnecting for several minutes is enough to let it pass by.
I still talk to my parents two to three times per week. I call my brother two to three times a month. He’s usually pretty busy with work and taking kids to sports practices or school activities. My oldest nephew is a freshman in high school.
Talk to my friends more often. I have a couple I try to reach out to at least once a day on facebook. I don’t do much with my groups other than just read posted articles. I just no longer have the energy or desire to engage in long discussions online except with friends and family. I see my neighbors a few times a week. They were kind enough to make dinner for me earlier in the week.
Don’t have much planned for the weekend. Probably just go outdoors for awhile if the weather isn’t too bad. Might sleep in too.
Haven’t written for a few days. I’m only now recovered from the holidays. I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that it’s 2020. I am understanding why my grandmother said that time only goes faster the older you get. I’m going to be 40 this summer. Mentally I don’t feel any decline. If anything, I feel mentally sharper and stronger than ever. Physically, my body can no longer keep up with my mind. It’s been this way for a couple years now. I would love to be able to road trip and visit friends in person and go to concerts and ballgames at a moment’s notice like I did in my late 20s and early 30s. But the body can no longer keep up. I don’t know how much of it is aging, how much of it is the toll of two decades fighting a severe mental illness, how much of it is being overweight, etc. At this point I guess it doesn’t matter either way. I am pretty much content to stay home, chat with my old friends online, read my books, mess with my computers, and watch the events of our time and place unfold from my apartment.
Found out right before Christmas one of my college classmates died. He was only 40. He worked at a mental health hospital and was a compassionate man. I hadn’t talked to him much since graduation. I’m glad we found each other on facebook and were able to reestablish contact shortly before he died. And then just yesterday I found out another college friend’s cancer has come back. This time it’s terminal. The doctors told her she has two to five years at most. Starting to lose my own friends now.
Seeing most of my friends struggle financially has taken a toll on me. And now that most of them are in declining physical and mental health and even starting to die is making this only worse. It has gotten me to think about my own mortality far more than ever. At my last doctor’s appointment, I was relieved to find I was not diabetic. The only real problem they found was high blood pressure. I no longer have much for stamina. That’s one of the reasons I stay home so much. Going out in public is now enough of an ordeal that I no longer enjoy it. Add to this that most people I know are more stressed and short tempered than ever, I have no want to leave my apartment. I have enough problems of my own to catch an ear full from my neighbors and landlord. Sometimes I get in trouble even just staying at home. Most people in my complex think I’m moving out or getting evicted because I never go out in public anymore. Naturally, lots of rumors are going around. No I’m not moving. As far as I know, I’m not in danger of being evicted. Though for the last few years I’ve lived in near constant paranoia that I was. It’s mainly because most people are just so angry and short tempered constantly. It didn’t used to be this way. I actually used to enjoy socializing. Then three of my best friends in my apartment complex died within six months of each other in 2014 and 2015. From there my social life fell apart. Other than a few neighbors, I literally have no friends within a fifty mile radius. I don’t think most people know or care how tough socializing is for a middle aged man with a disability and no immediate family nearby. I just keep to myself anymore. I would rather be alone than have to fight with neighbors, coworkers, and complete strangers all the time.
It is December 26, 2019 as I write this posting. I had a rough go a few days right before Christmas. I had to postpone my holiday plans as I was having some flare ups with the illness. Even though I spent Christmas Day at home by myself, I made a point of calling my family and getting in touch with friends via phone and social media. Got to chat with my brother and his kids and find out what they got for Christmas. I rescheduled my family Christmas for this weekend. But we’re supposed to have winter storms this weekend, so it may be getting postponed a second time, perhaps until New Year’s Day. Fortunately there are lots of college football games this weekend. So even if we do get the several inches of snow and ice and bad winds, I can stay home and watch football. I just hope the power doesn’t go out.
I don’t have much planned for the next few days other than get ready for the storm and watch some ball games. In addition to watching a few games already, I have been thinking over the last twelve months. 2019 hasn’t been as eventful as some years, at least not for me. I did sell my car, I have employed a cleaning lady who has dropped in once a week, and now one of my neighbors is helping with my laundry. My neighbors drop in a couple times per week and we just check in on each other. I had my annual physical checkup in early December. I didn’t lose weight (like I had hoped), yet I didn’t gain weight either. I don’t know if I stayed steady because of the change of diet and regular weight lifting or what. I did start on a blood pressure medication. After a few weeks on it, I notice I feel less tense and am starting to become more active again.
Mentally I kept largely to myself even though I have felt less paranoid and anxious than previous years. I have had a few flare ups over the last twelve months, but they seem less intense than in previous years. I still sometimes call my parents and just blow off steam. I feel guilty for it even though my parents seem to be understanding. I admit, I have an amazing family for support. Even the extended family of cousins and aunts are very understanding. I’ve been doing this blog on a regular basis for six years now. I’m more comfortable talking about my issues now than I was even when I started this blog. I certainly didn’t feel comfortable about talking about my problems twenty years ago, not even really to family. I started having problems when I was seventeen and a junior in high school. At first I was hoping it was merely teenage angst and anxiety. Turns out I was wrong. After using regular medical treatment and therapy for almost twenty years, it is easier to talk about my problems. I have moved past the acceptance part and now advocating for others besides myself. I don’t know how long I will get to live, but I plan on talking about these issues for a long as I can. For awhile I was thinking about starting a youtube channel where I do voice overs just talking about mental illness. I am still a little leery about broadcasting myself, but not so much my voice. I hope that mostly paranoia talking. A friend of mine has a youtube channel featuring her art work and she’s tried to convince me to put some of my thoughts to video instead of just print. I didn’t get around to it in the 2010s, but who knows what opportunities the 2020s will present.
I’m not doing well today. I just feel irritable, paranoid, and short tempered. I cancelled all my plans for the rest of the week. I am no longer doing well. I think the stress of the holidays and my home health aide work has gotten to me. My home health aide things didn’t go well. I had people dropping in my apartment several times a day. It got to be too much. I have accepted that I’m not going to get better, physically or mentally. I don’t know why no one else can accept this. I don’t know how much longer I have in this life, I may die of a heart attack in my forties or I may just keep limping along until old age. I don’t know. I’m at the point I just want to enjoy whatever time I have left. I don’t really enjoy the company of most people. I never have and it has only gotten worse the older I get. I know most people think I live a terrible life or “below my potential”, but I no longer care. I have spent most of my life worrying about what other people think and their expectations. I am sick of it. I have come to the conclusion that nothing I do or say will ever be good enough for anyone. It never seems to have been before. Hell, I can’t remember anyone ever telling me they were proud of me. I remember many of the compliments because, well, I rarely get them. I am tired of having to plug away all the time, day after day, year after year, and not only not make progress but not even please anyone. It burns me to no end. If I don’t please you or anyone else, keep it to yourself. I no longer care. I’m tired of fighting a fight that, even if I win, the victory won’t be good enough for anyone.
It’s only a few days until Christmas. My parents are coming up to Nebraska for a couple days, weather permitting. Unfortunately, weather is always a factor in winter travel in my part of the country. But I’m actually enjoying Christmas more this year than most other years. I think many of my friends are the same way. It helps me that I no longer have to fight the crowds whenever I need to buy something from a store. I get most of my purchases delivered to my home anymore. My grocery store has next day delivery and, even though I live in a remote small town, Amazon usually has two day delivery. I have been playing Christmas music via YouTube and Spotify the last couple weeks. I haven’t seen any real Christmas movies yet besides a documentary on the Christmas Truce of World War I between German and British soldiers in the trenches.
Overall I am doing okay. I hired a couple home health aides after my doctor’s appointment. I have a nurse who drops in every week and a physical rehab specialist who drops in twice weekly. I don’t have much physical stamina anymore, but fortunately I retained most of my muscle strength. Odd deal I suppose. But I am slowly rebuilding my heart and lung strength.
My blood pressure is better regulated now. And I feel less stressed and anxious overall too. I leave my apartment to walk in the hallways with my physical therapist. But I still stay home a lot. I no longer stay home because of stress and anxiety. I do it mainly because I am used to keeping myself occupied at home. I can easily keep in contact with friends and relatives via facebook and phone. I talk to my parents at least a couple times per week. I have reestablished contact with my brother. I wasn’t angry at him or anything, we just don’t have much in common. He has a high end career, a wife, four kids, a house in the suburbs, etc. I guess I don’t know how to relate to much of that. I am grateful to be on good terms with his kids. I’ll probably never have kids of my own, but I am happy with being Uncle Zach to those kids.
I’ll be watching football most days for the next two weeks with the college football bowl game season and the end of the pro season. Unfortunately my Huskers didn’t make a bowl game this year. But they are a young team that shows potential. Winters are often a slow time for me. But they are a time when I get a lot of writing and reading done. Haven’t decided what my reading project will be for this winter. I may do some philosophy works as it’s been a few years since I read good philosophy. Since I no longer own a car, I won’t be going anywhere unless I can get a ride. But it is easier to spend time at home than even five years ago.