Spent some time outdoors enjoying one of the last few days of summer. Also doing some cleaning in my apartment and rearranging furniture. It’s now a little easier to maneuver around, especially in the living room. Previously I had my computer desk in the middle of the room so I could watch ballgames and work on my computers at the same time. I now have a better setup as I won’t be tripping over power cords and wires as much now that I’ve moved my desk to a corner. I have my computers set up so I can watch them like a television from my recliner. I moved my couch so I watch tv from the couch. Previously I had used my recliner for everything. I use my regular tv mainly for play station games and live ballgames. Playoff baseball starts in a couple weeks and my Rockies have a shot of making the playoffs again this fall. We lost out in the first round last year.
After three months of changed eating patterns I think I’m seeing some positive differences. I am actually wanting to be active now rather than just spend entire days reading online articles or books. I socialize more often. I make it a point to now chat with other tenants at least three times a week. I rarely stay awake all night anymore. I am not as paranoid and anxious about my neighbors as I was this spring. I have fewer aches and pains. I still get winded sometimes when moving heavy furniture but I recover faster now. I still sometimes get stiff after sleeping, but it usually takes only a couple minutes of sitting up to be back to normal. And my clothing fits better.
Previously, from spring 2014 to summer 2015 I had lost slightly over 70 pounds in that time. I stagnated for a few months and then I had my car accident in fall 2015. After that I gained it all back. Oddly it took over two years to gain it all back, so it took longer to gain it than it did to lose it in the first place. I don’t really have any set goals as of right now.
I still sleep more than I would like. But so far it has helped me from having relapses. This has been a more pleasant than usual summer. Now the leaves are beginning to change and the weather will start cooling off any day. In Nebraska we usually get our first frost in mid October, so in three to four weeks if the averages hold out. I really don’t want to change much of my routine as it seems to be working. Sure I would like to travel more, but I’ll leave that for another time.
It’s been a while since I last wrote. I couldn’t do much online after my computer crashed over a week ago. I managed to recover my mac and I now have a new PC too. Being offline more or less for over a week made me realize just how much I use my computer. I managed to recover my mac by watching several how to vids on youtube. I’m glad I found some advice that worked for my problems. It saved me from going to the shop. Now that I have both my mac and PC back, I feel like I can move on.
During my forced hiatus from my online activity, I did some reading and more sleeping than was probably healthy. Sometimes I just slept out of boredom. I still had my phone so I kept in contact with family and friends. But it was kind of lonely at times as many of my friends I keep in contact with via social media sites. And of course I couldn’t post blogs without a keyboard. I tried to post via my smart phone, but my fat fingers make typing on the phone almost impossible. I’ll never complain about people using shortcuts in their text messages anymore after that.
Overall I’ve felt good. It’s been quite cold with snow for the last couple weeks. Haven’t gotten out as much as I should because of that. I just can’t endure cold weather as well as I could even a few years ago. Been stable overall even if a little lonely and kind of unmotivated. It doesn’t really bother me anymore that I don’t want to go out much. I know, that should bother me. But I have been an introvert my entire life. And sometimes I don’t mind going entire days without talking to anyone anymore. I couldn’t make it a permanent thing, but I can isolate for a few days and be content if needed.
I don’t have any plans for any major changes or shakeups for the next few weeks. Right now I’m just taking it one day at a time as we go through winter. I really don’t like driving on ice and snow anymore. And we’ve had continuous snow cover since before Christmas. But we have another four to six weeks of this left. I should feel guilty for isolating and not socializing this winter but I really don’t this winter. And I’m not exactly sure why I isolate so much. Maybe the depression is creeping back in. Or maybe I’m more selective about whom I spend my finite time with as I age.
After several days of colder than average weather, it finally warmed up a little today. At least it warmed enough for me to run some errands. It feels good to be able to leave my apartment again without worrying about frostbite. I had spent several days staying at home, watching college football, playing computer games, but doing little of anything else. I need to get back into some regular routines. To that end I started lifting weights again today. I had been lazy about lifting this summer and fall. I had been quite lazy about exercise ever since I hurt my back. Sadly I gained back the weight I had lost a few years ago. I’m starting over in this regard. I know I can lose the weight again, it’s just a matter of doing so.
Still not sleeping as much as I used to. Which is alright with me as I used to sleep twelve hours a day during the summer. Now I’m getting like six hours a sleep every night. Yet I still feel quite rested. And I usually try to take an hour nap in the afternoon. Even with my reduced sleep, I rarely stay up all night now. Used to be I stayed up all night three nights per week and then sleep in the mornings. My sleep is returning to more normal patterns.
Been spending a little more time on social media the last few days, mainly to find out about people’s holidays’ plans. I don’t know if I’ll be back on facebook and twitter more from now on. It seems to me that many of my friends have just gotten burnt out on all the drama and fighting that has been so prevalent for the last few years. I wound up unfollowing many people because of the drama, including family members. So much for making people more connected. I think the older I get, the less use I have for drama and nonsense and the more uses I have for logic and intelligence.
Now that the weather is starting to break out of the cold spell and the holidays are over, I am at a crossroads. I realize I now have more freedom than I used to. During the holidays I avoid the stores because of the crowds and loud Christmas music and too bright displays. I’m also at a loss now that I won’t have much going on until spring. January through April has always been a slow but stable time of year for me. Mentally I am usually my most stable during the winters. And I usually get a lot of reading and writing done during the colder parts of year. I admit I love to read for my own enlightenment more than I do my entertainment. I consider learning entertainment. I know I am weird in that regard. But learning new things gives me joy, I don’t care if being an intellectual makes me a social outcast.
Since the holidays are now over, I can get back to some resemblance of normal routines. I plan on doing many audiobooks on youtube this winter. I’m thinking about using my Khan Academy account to learn some subjects I wish I had taken when in school. And I plan on doing more outside my apartment so I can have more material to write about. Overall I plan on making 2018 an excellent year.
I’ve been feeling quite well the last several days. I make it a point a socialize with at least one neighbor per day. I still call my parents twice a week on average. Other than running errands and a couple doctors’ appointments this week, I’ve stayed pretty close to home. It’s been colder than usual the last couple weeks, so I’ve pretty much been going to bed earlier and waking up early. I think I finally broke the habit of staying awake most of the night and sleeping in the mornings.
Been avoiding negative news for months now. And I think it’s given me a more positive outlook overall. Most of what I watch anymore are science shows, comedy, and inspirational materials. I am still largely avoiding social media except to occasionally drop in on friends and promote my blog. I just came to the conclusion that the drama involved in most social media isn’t worth the trouble. It does make the nights kind of lonely as facebook used to be a lot of my socializing. But I am adjusting.
Mentally I am stable. I am not sleeping as much as I did during the summers. And I’m not staying up all night either. I think I have found some balance in the kind of schedules I keep. I have made a point of keeping my apartment cleaner than usual. And I have to think that has positively impacted my mental health. I’ve decided I’m regrowing my beard for the winter. Other projects I have this winter include rereading some of the old philosophy books I read years ago in college. I may watch more classic movies too this winter. I don’t really have any plans for the next couple weeks. I’m going back to my parents’ place for Thanksgiving. I am definitely not doing the Black Friday shopping nonsense. I do all my shopping from my computer anymore. I don’t plan on going out shopping this Christmas but I will probably watch a few Christmas movies. It’s A Wonderful Life and Christmas Story are my two all time favorites.
The weather is turning colder again indicating that winter won’t be too far away. The leaves on the trees have completely turned. Since I have lots of trees in view of my apartment windows, I can enjoy the autumn foliage and not even put on a coat. I am still a little guarded about whom I socialize with, but at least I socialize a little everyday now. Somedays I’ll stay home most of the time, but I am not as afraid of traveling as I was even a few weeks ago. I try to get outside at least once a day and I’ve been lifting weights for a week now.
I’m also attempting to readjust my sleep patterns to more regular times. For weeks I have been sleeping in the mornings after staying awake most nights. Naturally this messed up my social life and sleep patterns. It also doesn’t help that I’ve been drinking more coffee and hot tea to try to warm up during these colder days. I imagine that this could take several days as I am used to sleeping in the mornings and then being up in the afternoons and overnight hours.
I haven’t seen any family in person since the summer. That will probably change in a few weeks as Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming up. I have usually been stressed during the holidays in years past. Anymore I avoid going to the stores and malls from Halloween to Christmas just to avoid crowds and the sensory overload. I don’t enjoy Christmas shopping or Christmas music. The only truly Christmas movies I like are It’s A Wonderful Life and A Christmas Story. I like the supernatural thrillers of Halloween better. I can’t get into those slasher killer movies. So I’ve been watching more supernatural thrillers lately in the spirit of Halloween. I also enjoyed the old ‘War of the Worlds’ radio broadcast. Youtube has a few recordings of that. So I’ll be binge watching Halloween movies for the next couple days.
I am now throughly convinced I have been delusional about how not delusional I have been for the last several months. I admit to isolating most of the time and rarely leaving my apartment. I admit to rarely socializing with other people and tenants in my complex. I admit to occasionally going days without showering. But I don’t think I realized how delusional I was being about my problems.
I talked to my landlord this afternoon. She told me that there were several tenants worried about little I was socializing and how unkempt I have been for a long time. I have pretty much isolated and kept to myself since last summer. I just got to where I saw no point in socializing. In my delusion diseased mind, I was thinking most people are violent idiots who would rather curse you out and physically harm you than say hello to you. Fortunately most of these thoughts are symptoms of my mental illness flaring up and not being treated effectively. My fellow tenants and landlord aren’t angry at me nor do they want to see me thrown out on the street. They are actually very worried about me. I just didn’t realize how far I had fallen in the last year because of the delusion blinders I had due to my illness.
I have gotten to where I was scared to leave my apartment. I have gotten to where I was scared to go to the laundry room and wash clothes. So I have been doing most of my laundry in my bathtub for the last few months. Let’s face it, it just doesn’t do the job like a regular wash machine. I have gotten to where I am scared to socialize in person with anyone. I don’t go outside to talk with people because in my delusion wracked mind, most people were just bitter and angry all the time. I have gotten to where I’m just scared and depressed all the time. And I hate it. I see my psych doctor tomorrow afternoon and I am demanding he put me on something else. My current routine isn’t working at all.
Knee pains have finally passed. Felt good enough to go out and buy groceries this morning. So I’m set for another couple weeks. I was getting tired of having to eat out and do drive thru because of my bad knee. I can tell that when I eat fast food regularly my physical and mental health suffer some. Also started taking some multi vitamin pills a few days ago. That seems to help with some lingering pain. Makes me feel a little more energetic.
I’m back to where I’m not sleeping as much as I did over the winter and spring. Maybe it’s the longer daylight hours. Maybe losing a few pounds has helped with my sleep patterns. I still can’t walk as far as I could even two years ago. But I think if I keep doing the two high protein meals a day, avoid sugar as much as possible, and keep drinking lots of water I can get back into better health.
Since I’m not experiencing knee pains anymore, my mood has improved. I’m not as depressed as I once was. I’m getting out of my apartment more. I’m breaking up some of my in home routines. I’m trying out some new computer games I bought a few months ago I only dabbled in. I guess I finally got burned out on Civilization, Sim City, and Skyrim. I still read a lot, granted mostly online articles, blogs, and science journals. I trying to get back into more contact with old friends. And I want to bring some old friends back into the fold I lost contact with over the last few years.
Next week is my birthday. I’ll be 37 years old. Mentally I’m more sharp than ever and the mental illness doesn’t have the ups and downs it used to. Physically I don’t have the endurance I did even a few years ago. I get unexplainable aches and pains more often. I wake up more in the middle of the night. I’m even more cold sensitive then I used to be. Being a fat man, I could easily go through much of a fall or even winter with just a light jacket unless it was blizzard conditions. Finding that I can’t do that as well anymore. I have found that I am sometimes more set in my ways than I would like. I tend to shop in the same stores, eat in the same four or five restaurants, eat the same things all the time, watch similar types of shows on youtube and netflix, etc. At least I haven’t yet gotten to where I’m complaining about the kids all the time. I remember what it was like being ragged on by my elders all the time when I was growing up. I hated it then and I still hate it when people in my age bracket rag on their kids. I just hope that as I age and my physical health starts to decline even more that I don’t become one of these bitter and angry old men I see too much of. I hope I can be an encouragement to people to all ages. I just want my little corner of the world to be a better place because I was alive.