Bricktown After Midnight Notes

At 12:14 a.m., Bricktown sounded like glass.

Not breaking glass. Living glass.

The soft clink of beer bottles on patio tables. The neon shimmer reflected across canal water. Elevator doors opening inside converted warehouse lofts. Wind rattling old windows that had once belonged to cotton exchanges and machine shops and feed companies long dead.

Cal Mercer wrote all of it down.

He sat alone beneath the red glow of a flickering sign outside an all-night diner on Sheridan Avenue, notebook open, coffee cooling beside him. The waitress had stopped asking if he wanted a refill two hours ago. She knew the type.

Night people.

People who weren’t waiting for someone.

People listening for something.

Cal was thirty-eight and technically employed by nobody. Three years earlier he’d worked as a features reporter for a shrinking newspaper in Oklahoma City until the paper collapsed into digital fragments and syndicated wire copy. Since then he’d drifted into freelancing, then drifting in general.

But every night—especially in Bricktown—he wrote notes.

Not articles.

Not stories.

Notes.

Observations.

Fragments.

He filled legal pads with things nobody else noticed.

12:14 a.m. — bachelor party from Wichita loses one groomsman near Mickey Mantle statue. Remaining group unconcerned.

12:31 a.m. — woman in silver heels crying while eating street tacos beside canal. Not drunk. Angry.

12:47 a.m. — train horn west of downtown. Three people stop talking mid-sentence to listen.

That last one mattered.

Because trains still owned the city after midnight.

Even now.

Especially now.


Bricktown changed personalities depending on the hour.

At noon it belonged to tourists and office workers.

At seven it belonged to ballgames and dinner reservations.

At midnight it belonged to motion.

Bartenders cleaning taps. Security guards outside music venues. Rideshare drivers circling like patient sharks. Hotel clerks. Insomniacs. Kitchen workers smoking beside dumpsters. Amateur musicians loading amps into vans.

And the trains.

Always the trains.

Freight lines slid through the edges of downtown like enormous invisible animals. Their sounds bounced between brick buildings and old warehouses, folding into the city’s heartbeat.

Cal had become obsessed with them.

Not the machinery itself.

The timing.

The rhythm.

The way Bricktown seemed to reorganize around distant movement.

He started mapping train horns in his notebooks.

One long blast near the river changed pedestrian flow three blocks east.

A stopped freight near Reno Avenue delayed traffic enough to empty two bars earlier than usual.

Tiny disruptions. Cascading consequences.

The city was a system.

Most people just never stayed awake long enough to see it operating.


At 1:08 a.m., Cal wandered toward the canal.

The water reflected blue neon from a piano bar and green light from a pharmacy sign farther down the street. Ducks drifted through artificial currents beneath low pedestrian bridges while drunk college kids shouted across the water.

A canal boat slid past carrying six tourists and a guide who sounded exhausted.

“On your left,” the guide said mechanically, “you’ll see one of the original warehouse buildings from the early twentieth century…”

Nobody listened.

Cal wrote anyway.

Tour guides become ghosts after midnight. Continue speaking even when nobody hears them.

That one felt important.

He circled it twice.


Near the old brick warehouses by the railroad tracks, he found the saxophone player again.

The man appeared almost every Friday night around 1:30 a.m., always wearing the same gray suit regardless of weather. He played beneath a burned-out streetlamp facing the rail yard.

Never for money.

Never for crowds.

Tonight the song sounded slow and fractured, notes dissolving into the warm Oklahoma air.

Cal leaned against a wall and listened.

The sax player stopped mid-song without looking up.

“You’re writing about me again,” he said.

Cal blinked.

“I’m not writing about you specifically.”

“Sure.”

The man adjusted the reed.

“You’re writing about people who don’t go home.”

A freight train groaned somewhere west of downtown.

Cal considered denying it.

Instead, he said, “Maybe.”

The sax player nodded like that confirmed something.

“You know what Bricktown really is after midnight?”

“What?”

“A waiting room.”

Cal wrote that down immediately.

The musician laughed softly.

“See? That’s exactly what I mean.”


At 1:52 a.m., rain started.

Not heavy rain. Oklahoma summer rain. Warm and sudden and reflective.

Brick streets gleamed black beneath neon signs.

Couples sprinted beneath awnings laughing.

Bouncers stepped backward into doorways.

The canal rippled with shattered colors.

Cal loved Bricktown in rain because the city looked unfinished.

Like memory.

Like a place halfway between decades.

He walked east toward the railroad overpass where murals peeled from damp concrete walls. Water dripped through cracks overhead.

That was where he found the notebook.

It sat on a bench beside the canal.

Black cover.

No name.

No phone number.

Just a rubber band wrapped around the middle.

Cal looked around.

Nobody nearby.

He picked it up.

For a moment he considered leaving it alone.

Then he opened it.

Inside were notes.

Hundreds of them.

Not unlike his own.

But stranger.


11:41 p.m. — bartender at whiskey bar wipes same glass for seven minutes while staring at television with no sound.

12:03 a.m. — man in Thunder jersey says he moved back to Oklahoma because “Dallas forgot him.”

12:26 a.m. — every couple crossing the canal bridge walks slightly out of step.

1:11 a.m. — freight trains create temporary loneliness in surrounding streets.

Cal stopped walking.

The handwriting was compact and deliberate.

Observational.

Precise.

And deeply familiar.

He turned pages faster.

The notebook mapped Bricktown like a psychological weather report.

Patterns of movement.

Emotional currents.

Behavior loops.

One page simply read:

People reveal themselves most honestly between 12:30 and 2:00 a.m. because exhaustion disables performance.

Another:

Cities have subconscious minds. Bricktown’s appears nostalgic but restless.

Cal stared at the canal water.

Someone else had been studying the city the same way he had.

Maybe for years.


At 2:17 a.m., he entered a nearly empty bar called The Lantern Room two blocks off the canal.

It wasn’t popular enough for tourists.

Which made it valuable.

Three people occupied the entire place: a bartender polishing bottles, a woman asleep in a booth, and an older man eating fries while reading horse racing statistics.

Cal ordered coffee.

The bartender eyed the notebook.

“You find it?”

Cal froze.

“You know whose this is?”

The bartender shrugged.

“Guy leaves it around sometimes.”

“What guy?”

“Tall. Thin. Looks tired even when he isn’t.”

“That describes half of downtown.”

“True.”

The bartender poured coffee.

“He comes in around closing. Writes stuff. Never drinks much.”

Cal opened the notebook again.

“Do you know his name?”

“Nope.”

“Have you talked to him?”

“Not really. But he asked weird questions.”

“What kind of questions?”

The bartender thought for a second.

“Stuff like whether bars can sense when they’re dying.”

Cal stopped writing.

“That’s not weird,” he said quietly.

The bartender gave him a long look.

“Then there are apparently two of you.”


The rain intensified around 2:40 a.m.

Outside the windows, Bricktown blurred into watercolor reflections and smeared headlights.

The sleeping woman in the booth woke suddenly, looked confused for several seconds, then left without speaking.

The old man finished his fries and disappeared into the rain.

Cal remained.

Reading.

The notebook’s entries grew stranger deeper in.

Less observational.

More philosophical.


Bricktown survives by reinventing loneliness as entertainment.

Most cities sleep. Entertainment districts pretend not to.

Every bartender in America becomes a temporary therapist after midnight.

The canal is artificial but the loneliness around it is real.


Then, near the back, a sentence underlined three times:

There are nights when the city notices you observing it.

Cal felt cold despite the heat.

He checked the cover again for a name.

Nothing.

Only initials pressed faintly into the inside leather.

R.K.


At 3:06 a.m., the bartender locked the front door.

“Closing time.”

Cal nodded distractedly.

“You keeping that notebook?”

“I guess until I find the owner.”

The bartender smirked.

“Maybe he found you instead.”


Outside, Bricktown had thinned into fragments.

Street sweepers hummed along curbs.

Security guards leaned against alley walls smoking cigarettes.

The loud crowds were gone now, replaced by isolated voices echoing between buildings.

This was Cal’s favorite hour.

The hour after performance.

The city without makeup.

He walked beneath the railroad bridge near Reno Avenue while rainwater dripped from rusted steel beams overhead.

A train moved somewhere nearby.

Slow.

Heavy.

Invisible behind warehouses.

The sound rolled through the streets like distant thunder.

Cal opened the notebook again while standing beneath the bridge.

A loose page slipped free.

Typed, not handwritten.

A list of locations.

Dates.

Times.

Bricktown landmarks.

Canal.

Hotels.

Parking garages.

Train crossings.

Each entry paired with precise observations about crowd movement and behavioral patterns.

It looked less like journaling and more like surveillance.

Or research.

At the bottom was a final note:

Patterns become predictable after enough observation. Prediction becomes influence.

Cal stared at the page while rain tapped concrete around him.

Something about the wording unsettled him.

Not because it sounded dangerous.

Because it sounded true.


At 3:29 a.m., he saw the man.

Standing near the railroad crossing.

Tall.

Thin.

Dark jacket soaked by rain.

Watching freight cars pass slowly through downtown.

Cal approached carefully.

“You dropped this,” he called out, holding the notebook up.

The man turned.

Late forties maybe.

Sharp features.

Exhausted eyes.

He didn’t seem surprised.

“Did I?”

Cal stopped several feet away.

“It has your initials.”

The man smiled faintly.

“Does it?”

“You’re R.K.?”

The train thundered between them for a moment, steel shrieking against steel.

When it passed, the man said, “What did you think of the notes?”

Cal hesitated.

“They felt familiar.”

“That’s unfortunate.”

“Why?”

“Because it means you’ve stayed awake too long.”

Rain hissed against the tracks.

Downtown glowed behind them.

Cal studied him carefully.

“Who are you?”

“Observer,” the man said.

“That’s not an answer.”

“It’s the only accurate one.”


They walked together beneath the overpass while freight cars rolled endlessly beside them.

The man never gave a name.

But he talked.

About Bricktown.

About cities.

About systems.

“The interesting thing about entertainment districts,” he said, “is that they expose emotional logistics.”

Cal frowned.

“Emotional logistics?”

“Movement patterns based on loneliness, hope, boredom, alcohol, memory.”

“That sounds made up.”

“Everything sounds made up until it repeats.”

The man gestured toward downtown.

“Watch long enough and every city becomes predictable.”

They stopped beside the canal where rainwater rippled neon reflections into abstract colors.

“You ever notice,” the man asked, “how people slow down crossing bridges at night?”

Cal nodded slowly.

“I wrote that once.”

“I know.”

Cal looked at him sharply.

“What?”

The man smiled.

“You’re not the first person to study this place.”

A canal boat drifted silently beneath a bridge, empty except for the operator.

The city felt suspended.

Half real.

Half reflection.


“Why leave the notebook?” Cal asked.

“Because eventually observers need successors.”

“That sounds dramatic.”

“It’s midnight. Everything sounds dramatic after midnight.”

Cal laughed despite himself.

The man continued walking.

“You know why Bricktown matters?”

“Tourism?”

“Memory.”

The answer came instantly.

“This district keeps rebuilding itself into whatever the city needs emotionally. Warehouse district. Abandoned zone. Entertainment hub. Baseball neighborhood. Luxury apartment corridor.”

He glanced toward the old brick buildings.

“Cities survive by rewriting identity faster than residents can mourn older versions.”

Cal wrote the sentence down automatically.

The man noticed.

“There it is again.”

“What?”

“You don’t experience moments anymore. You archive them.”

That landed harder than Cal expected.

Because it was true.


At 4:02 a.m., they entered a parking garage overlooking downtown.

The rain had finally slowed.

From the top level, Bricktown stretched beneath them in wet streets and fading lights.

The Ferris wheel near the river glowed pale against low clouds.

Train tracks cut dark lines through the city.

Sirens echoed somewhere far away.

The man leaned against the concrete railing.

“Most people think cities are buildings,” he said.

“They’re schedules.”

Cal stayed quiet.

“Delivery routes. Shift changes. Traffic timing. Last calls. Freight schedules. Cleaning crews. Morning prep workers.”

He pointed toward downtown.

“Midnight is where all those systems overlap.”

Below them, a bakery truck turned onto Sheridan.

Lights flickered on inside a coffee shop preparing for dawn customers.

“You can feel the handoff happen,” the man said softly.

“The city changing shifts.”

Cal suddenly understood why the notebook felt familiar.

Not because the observations matched his.

Because the perspective did.

The obsession with invisible systems.

The hidden machinery beneath ordinary life.


“Who were you before this?” Cal asked.

The man laughed quietly.

“Before what?”

“Before wandering Bricktown at four in the morning writing philosophy notes.”

“Consultant.”

“For what?”

“Logistics.”

Of course.

Cal almost smiled.

The man continued.

“I used to optimize supply chains. Regional freight movement. Distribution timing.”

“What happened?”

“I realized cities behave exactly like transportation networks.”

Lightning flickered far west beyond the skyline.

“Everything moves,” the man said. “Goods. People. Emotions. Regret. Hope. Same principles.”

He looked directly at Cal.

“You’ve noticed it too.”

Cal didn’t answer.

Because yes.

He had.

For years.


At 4:31 a.m., dawn began leaking slowly into the eastern sky.

Not sunrise yet.

Just the soft graying that makes neon signs look suddenly exhausted.

Bricktown after midnight was ending.

The spell breaking.

Workers would arrive soon.

Coffee shops would fill.

Joggers would reclaim sidewalks from drunks and insomniacs.

The man picked up the notebook from Cal’s hands.

Then paused.

“No,” he said finally, handing it back.

“You keep it.”

Cal blinked.

“Why?”

“Because you’re still paying attention.”

Before Cal could respond, the man started down the parking garage stairs.

“Wait,” Cal called after him.

“What’s your name?”

The man stopped halfway down.

For a second, Cal thought he might answer.

Instead he said:

“Watch the trains.”

Then he disappeared.


At 5:02 a.m., Cal sat alone beside the canal again.

Morning workers moved through the district carrying coffee and keys and backpacks.

Street cleaners sprayed sidewalks.

The city was rebooting itself.

He opened the notebook.

On the final page, in handwriting shakier than the rest, was one last entry.

Bricktown after midnight is not about nightlife.

It is about transition.

People becoming different versions of themselves between darkness and morning.

Below that:

The ones who notice this never entirely return to daytime.

Cal closed the notebook slowly.

A freight horn echoed somewhere beyond downtown.

Long.

Low.

Ancient.

For the first time in months, maybe years, Cal stopped writing.

He just listened.

The sound rolled across Bricktown’s wet streets and fading neon and silent canal water, threading through old warehouses and empty patios and awakening kitchens.

Movement.

Systems.

Invisible connections.

The city breathing between shifts.

And as dawn finally arrived over Oklahoma City, Cal realized something that felt both comforting and dangerous:

Bricktown had been taking notes too.

A Fresh Start: Overcoming Challenges and Building Connections

I’m doing well after eight months in my new home. First time since the pandemic that my living situation has stabilized. I’m now down to only one blood pressure medication per day. My water retention swelling is gone.

I’ve lost over 100 pounds in the last eight months. I’ve gotten much closer to my brother and his family since moving to Oklahoma in 2023. I probably would have moved a few years sooner if not for the pandemic.

Reading a lot of audiobooks again. I started on The Old Testament of the King James Bible around last Christmas. I’m halfway through. I’m listening to lots of history and economics books too. Recently finished one about the Oil Shortages of the 1970s. Currently working on post-Soviet Union Russia in the 1990s.

Been following sports a lot since last Christmas. Became an Oklahoma City Thunder fan when I moved to Oklahoma in 2023. It’s fun watching them making another deep push in the playoffs.

I became a Colorado Avalanche fan in 1995 after Denver got that team. Looks like they too could make a deep run in the Stanley Cup. The Rockies are not horrible this year in baseball.

Nebraska Husker men’s basketball had its best season ever this year making the third round of the NCAA tournament. And it’s looking like Nebraska football could potentially have a better team this autumn.

I have made lots of friends with the staff members here at my complex. I avoid most of the other residents. Some are too negative. Some are not with it enough to hold a real conversation. I do well here, in part, because I have no roommates. I love not having a roomie. My freshman year in college roommate was a character. After that I decided I would never voluntarily share a sleeping quarters with anyone again.

My arthritis is mostly gone after a few months of Tylenol twice a day. My goodness it was an ordeal convincing the doctor to get me on it the first four months I was here. It was like they couldn’t realize just how bad my arthritis was.

I see my family twice a month. My brother calls me once a week or so. I hear from my best friend from college usually once a week. We talk more often now that baseball season is going. We’re both huge Colorado Rockies fans. We went to one of their World Series games back in 2007. Took several months to pay off that weekend. But it was worth every last penny.

Even though I no longer actively invest, I still pay attention to the stock market and the world of investing. I see that SpaceX and Starlink will probably go public by the end of summer. I have the same feelings about those companies that I had about Facebook in 2009 and Nvidia back in 2021. Pity social security’s rules only allow a small amount in savings to still qualify for Medicaid. Such is I suppose.

I think one of the reasons I’m losing weight faster than expected is due to not eating fast food or sugar very often. Mom and Dad usually bring some Chic fil A when they come to visit a couple times a month. Ordered delivery pizza only a few times since I moved here in August 2025.

My two nephews are done with college for the summer. One is going to work for an engineering firm here in the metro. The other is looking for something in a hospital as he eventually wants to become a physician’s assistant.

My parents are enjoying the retired life. They see their grandkids often. They are quite active in their church. Dad usually has some DIY or hobby projects, like ham radio or model trains, going. Mom is busy with her gardening.

So far 2026 has been better than most years the last seven or eight years. It feels good that my living arrangements are finally settled.

Finding Joy in Oklahoma: A New Chapter in Life

Yesterday was Mother’s Day here in the US. Had a good, long chat with my mom. She’s enjoying retirement and getting to be grandma to my brother’s kids. I don’t talk to her as often as I used to, but our conversations are still good.

Here in Oklahoma, the Thunder are the talk of the entire state. I started following them after moving here in early 2023. It’s fun to have a strong team to follow again. Reminds me of following Nebraska Husker football when I was a teenager back in the 90s.

Lost 20 pounds since April 1. Been eating mostly protein lately, namely eggs and pork for breakfast. Even though a good portion of my freedom is gone, it’s good to have three hot meals a day, easy access to healthcare, and more stability than I have had at any point in my life.

I am now cured of sleep apnea and anemia. First time in several years I haven’t had either one. I am also down to only one blood pressure medication per day. I’m doing well enough mentally that I take only two psychiatric medications per night.

Most of my arthritis has cleared up. I still take Tylenol twice a day, but I think the weight loss has taken some of the stress off my joints. I still have backbone pain from a football injury in high school.

I have found that dealing with mental illness, at least for me, has gotten easier now that I don’t deal with the public anymore. Most of the people I deal with I know pretty well. Overall things are going much better than I could have imagined when I first moved to Oklahoma three years ago.

Been in My New Home for Eight Months. May 6th, 2026, Updates

It’s been a minute since I last wrote about my personal life. I lost 20 pounds in the last month after holding steady for over three months. I’ve lost 100 pounds in the last eight months. I’m now down 180 pounds since summer 2024. That was when my water retention was at its worst.

Lost enough weight that I no longer have sleep apnea. Haven’t used a CPAP machine for two months. My blood pressure has stabilized enough that I only take one blood pressure medication. The water retention problems are gone too.

I still deal with arthritis. Mainly in my knees but it doesn’t hurt nearly as bad as six months ago. Over the winter I had bad arthritis in both hands and both elbows. I have since gotten that taken care of. I still have a lot of pain in my tailbone from an old high school football injury that never completely healed.

Made a few friends in here. All of them are staff members. I’m especially close to this Hispanic lady who works the afternoons, a Philippine immigrant nurse who works afternoons, a chatty red head who works mostly weekends, and a grandmotherly like lady who works mornings.

Don’t have friends among the patients. Most patients are either mostly negative or have dementia. I just don’t want to be affected by that kind of negativity anymore. Spent too much of my life around irritable and rude people. I refuse to put up with it anymore.

Got glasses during the winter. I can read and see much better now. Don’t have much for physical books other than an old Bible, but I do have lots of audio files on youtube and amazon.

Been watching a lot of documentaries on YouTube. Mostly for economics, history, and geopolitics. Think I’m going to get back into science and futurism. I also listen to a lot of suspense voice over stories on YouTube. Some are actually pretty good at falling asleep to. And I often dream about the stories when I do sleep with the audio playing.

March 9, 2026

First Monday after time change. It’s feeling more like late spring here in Oklahoma than late winter. Already had several thunderstorms and some tornadoes in this state.

I now transferred my permanent mailing address to my facility. I can get amazon delivery to the facility, at least as long as the front desk person signing for my packages actually does their job and brings it to me. I had a package delivered today that was supposedly signed for by a sectary early today. It still hasn’t made it to my room. All of the staff is acting clueless even though amazon clearly stated who signed for my delivery. I do hate it when people treat me like I’m stupid.

Haven’t been sleeping well at nights the last week or so. We have a dementia patient on our wing who screams all night, every night. Management has been made aware of the situation but still refuses to do anything about it. This is the second time I had to deal with a screaming dementia patient since early February.

I don’t have much planned for St. Patrick’s Day. I will wear green and I do have some alcohol free Guiness coming. I guess that’s about as crazy as I’m going to get this year.

Six Months in A New Home: Updates and Observations

Updates, March 2026
We are turning the calendar from February to March. It feels like spring a few weeks early. And things are going alright for me. I have lived in my current home for six months now.

Most of my pain is gone. I have been in my current apartment for six months. Made friends with a significant number of staff members. I often avoid other residents because too many of them are in foul moods most of the time or are too sick to do much of anything with. I’m still following a regimented diet but it isn’t so bad. At least three hot meals a day every day is my new normal.

Physical Therapy is on temporary hold
Decided to take a break from physical therapy around Christmas. I was doing it twice a day five days a week and ended up in severe knee, back, and hand pain. For a couple weeks my hand hurt bad enough I couldn’t even use a fork or knife with my dominant hand. So, I had to give up on therapy, at least for the time being.

Neighborhood Drama
There was a dementia patient living across the hall from me for a few weeks. He yelled and screamed continually whenever he was awake. It was keeping me awake most nights. Finally, I filed a complaint with management. After several days of back and forth, the dementia patient was moved to a different facility. After a few stressful and hectic weeks, things are starting to return to normal in my neighborhood.

New Friends Among the Staff
I have three nurse’s aides I’m really close with. One works mostly weekends, is a couple years older than I am, and has a heart of gold. She’s really nice, likes to listen to my stories, and is very good at her job. She always moves swiftly and with a sense of purpose.

A second nurse’s aide usually worked the night shift so she and I would often talk win the middle of the night when all of her work was caught up and I couldn’t sleep. Haven’t seen her for a few weeks. Last I heard she was transferred to another wing in the facility. A third nurse’s aide usually works the afternoon shift and is really nice to me. She was the one who let me know I could actually get Door Dash delivered to my room here in the complex. She’s fluent in Spanish (I took some Spanish classes in high school) so I get to work on bringing my Spanish back up to snuff with her when she’s between assignments.

Like every home or workplace, there are a few people who rub me wrong. I try to avoid them as much as possible. Some arguments aren’t worth the while. But I get along with probably 90 percent of the staff.

New Glasses
Recently got glasses. Had laser eye surgery back in 2007. I went over 18 years without glasses. I use my new glasses mostly for reading. Made a huge difference. Got me interested in reading and writing again.

I’m Reading Books Again
Started reading the Old Testament again, namely the old King James Version. Picking that back up after several years without my nose in books very often.

Finding Permanence After Several Years of Chaos
After several years of my living arraignments being anything but permanent, I have finally found a for life home here in Oklahoma City. Had to live with my parents for almost two and a half years before I got into a wheelchair accessible home. It was a rough two and a half years.

I love my parents and have made my peace with the past, but their house was not handicap accessible. Even the front door and sidewalk wasn’t wide enough for my wheelchair. But I’m in a much better situation now. My parents still come to visit a couple times a month, for which I am thankful for. Got a visit from an aunt and a cousin from Nebraska I hadn’t seen since before the pandemic shortly before Thanksgiving. It was fun catching up with extended family.

Weight Loss Updates
I’m still losing weight. Not exactly sure how much I have lost but I know I lost at least 100 pounds between Labor Day and Christmas. My goal is to eventually get to my old high school weight. I definitely feel a difference both physically and mentally.

The Impact of Change: Christmas Musings on Life and Health

I’m having a good Christmas season so far. Got to talk with some old friends over the phone for over an hour today. She found a new job a few weeks ago that pays more than any job she ever had. Her husband (also a friend of mine) is still working 60+ hours a week as a delivery driver. They think he will try to find something in academics soon now that they aren’t living paycheck to paycheck anymore.

Our conversation covered mostly history and geopolitics. I don’t have many friends I can talk about those things with anymore. Most of my friends are having tough times with mid life crisis kind of things. I miss those conversations about history and current events. It was like being back in college, if just for only one hour.

I sleep most of the daylight hours anymore. I think part of it is depression and part of it is anemia. I’m not looking forward to probably having to go back to a long term care facility. But my mobility isn’t coming back and my house isn’t handicap accessible. My parents aren’t in good health and probably have only a few years, at best, left. Part of me all three of us won’t make it to see 2030.

It really breaks my heart to be in decline just right as things are really changing science and tech wise. I am convinced that we as a society will make more scientific progress in the next 20 years than we made in the previous 300. That is, if the politicians and voters quit screwing up.

Dealing With My Physical Decline and My Friends Who Refuse to Acknowledge Decline

Saw my home health nurse today. My mobility isn’t coming back like I had hoped at all. I’m still angry about physical therapy giving up on me after only one month. I’m angry that no long term care facility had a place for me.

It’s pretty damn obvious at this point that I am wheelchair bound and need accommodations. My case worker sees it. My home health nurse sees it. My doctor sees it. My parents see it. Hell, I saw it long before anyone. About the only people who are still in denial are my friends about my age. People can be awful stupid about some things.

My friends are the type of people who believe anything is probable, not possible, through positive thought and hard work. Hell, the believe if I don’t achieve mobility and good health again, it’s all my doing. With friends like that, who needs enemies?

I think my friends are in denial because it would force them to reflect on their own mortality and that they aren’t young anymore. It would also force them to reflect on the fact that one can do everything right and still lose big. Sometimes things just happen for no reason. My life is a prime example of this.

Struggles with Medium: An Honest Account of Loss and Transition | Blogging and Social Media Income Insights

I gave up on Medium a few days ago. My revenues were going down to where I was actually losing money this month. It was getting to where it was no longer enjoyable. I feel for anyone who using blogging, vlogging, social media, etc. as their primary source of income. I bet for every Mr. Beast, there’s thousands of people no one will ever hear of.

A friend of mine has been really cold and distant for the last several months. We’ve been friends since we were teenagers. This isn’t her normal. I once suggested she seek medical help. She became so angry I thought she was going to end the friendship. So I let it drop. But she just gets darker and more despondent with each passing month. She has plenty of time to post memes and videos to Facebook. But she almost never responds to anyone who writes to her, not just me. Getting her to return texts is damn near impossible. And she NEVER answers her phone. Something’s definitely wrong. When she does text, it’s to complain about her job, the homeless in her city, the state of the world, etc. It was discouraging for a long time. Now it’s just irritating.

I recently got some in home health help. Through the state, I have a lady come in a couple times a week to do some cleaning, laundry, help putting away groceries, etc. We also keep each other company. She and I are getting to be kind of friends. She’s almost 60 years old and widowed. She’s been encouraging me to socialize more online. She knows I like gaming and is encouraging me to get involved in online gaming chats and forums. I don’t usually do online gaming against other people.

I started doing some online gaming against other people in free games on my PS5 like Monopoly. I bought NCAA Football 25 a couple days ago. I’m thinking about getting involved in some online tournaments. Nebraska is my favorite team. My dad is a University of Nebraska alum, as are several of my cousins. My favorite PS5 games are still Cyberpunk 2077 and Skyrim. I beat Cyberpunk 2077 earlier this summer. I got a second game going trying out different things. Took me two years to beat it the first time. But I didn’t play the entire time I was in physical rehab.

My brother recently bought a Tesla with self-driving capabilities. It’s mainly his wife’s commuter car. She rented a Tesla while on a business trip. Fell in love with Tesla right on the spot. My brother made a couple road trips with the Tesla. Said of the four motels he stayed out on that trip, two of them offered free charging with a night’s stay. He’s almost giddy that something like this became a reality within our lifetime. I often joke to his 13-year-old son that he won’t need to get his drivers’ license if he really doesn’t want to.

When I was still quite active on Facebook, I joked to one of my futurist groups that I wanted to ride in a self-driving EV with my robot best friend, smoking a marijuana cigar while riding past a police station on my 60th birthday. That would be in 2040. Heck, now it’s looking like that fantasy will become possible by 2030. Especially since I read an article last week stating that Tesla wants to start selling it’s Optimus humanoid robots starting in 2026. We’ve come a long way when it was just You Tube videos of cats riding on Roomba machines.

Now that my experiment with putting most of my writings on Medium has failed, I’m concentrating on longer posts on Word Press. The money was nice while it lasted.

Mental Stability and Power Dynamics

Another day of being mentally stable. Haven’t had any kind of breakdown in over three months. It helps that I avoid stressful people and conflict as much as possible. Do most of my socializing online these days. It’s just easier to type what I’m thinking than just verbalize it. My illness makes me pick up on subtle cues very easily. I often pick up conflicting cues. Makes it really tough to read people, especially in person. 

Since many of my in-person experiences have been quite negative over the years, the default is that when someone goes out of their way to see me, I assume I’m in trouble. My family thinks it’s tragic that I always assume the worst when people come to see me in person. It’s even worse when I am summoned into an authority figure’s office on their terms. I’m keenly aware of power dynamics to the point it’s crippling.