Been feeling quite lonely for the last few days. I’m actually craving attention from other people, especially from people with similar interests and in my age bracket. Haven’t heard from any of my old high school or college friends in weeks. Seems like many of my friends got busy with family and careers and forgot about their old friends. As far as I can tell, I am one of the only single friends in my circle of friends. Some of my friends have even gone through divorces by now. I almost never hear from my brother. But he has four kids and a serious career, so I guess we have nothing in common. And to make things even worse, we weren’t close at all growing up. We were just completely different people with nothing in common except that we had the same parents. Not having a relationship with my brother is one of the few true regrets I have about my current life that I could have done different.
Having a serious mental illness taught me that there is more to life than having a career. Unfortunately, too many people don’t realize this until they are retired and most of their life is behind them. This is probably why so many people feel depressed and useless once their careers are over, especially older men. Like most boys, I was constantly asked what I wanted to do when I grew up. I usually answered something in the sciences. But the mental illness came creeping in just right before I could cash in on my brains and use them in a career. Thank God I found a small niche online as a mental health blogger/philosopher. I don’t even want to think what would have happened had I been born in my grandparents’ generation and not had this outlet. It also makes me wonder how many mentally ill geniuses were lost over the centuries because they had no outlets to use their smarts.
I wanted to be a scientist when I was a child. As it turned out I became a writer with interests in science. I developed lots of interests and hobbies over the years, but never became profecient enough to turn these interests into careers. For awhile as a child I flew model airplanes with my dad. I did quite a bit of fishing and survival training when I was in Boy Scouts. I made model cars for awhile. I collected coins and baseball cards for a few years. Still have all of my baseball cards from my youth. I taught myself some basic computer coding. That probably could have turned into a job, at least until computers can regularly code themselves. Who knows, maybe in the future the majority of people won’t have regular jobs simply because machines and programs can do them better and make many things cheaper.
While I wouldn’t mind a future like this, I do understand why some people are apprehensive about what could be coming in the next couple decades. For generations, people have identified with the work they did to live. Everybody was interested in work and a person who didn’t need or want a regular job was an outcast. I have been an outcast in this regard for the last several years in that I don’t have a regular job, and really don’t need one as I can live just on my disability pension. I no longer feel the need for a lot of money. What I want at this point is to do work that makes a difference to people, the kind of work that “puts a dent in the universe” as the late Steve Jobs used to say.
While I am not delusional enough to believe I’m sure to get famous just from blogging, I do want to make a positive difference in the lives of the people who happen to read these postings. I suppose that since my basic needs are met by my disability pension, I can now move onto meaningful work and self actualization on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Self actualized and I make poverty level (for American standard) salary, only in the early 21st century. The closet I can think that anyone else in history was to this while living at low wages is probably medieval monks and scholars. No need to be entertained with lots of money when my own mind can keep me company.
This is a for fun post about things that I don’t like that most people would like or find odd about me. So here goes:
Things I Don’t Like but should
Dystopian science fiction books and movies
Most superhero movies
Most musical theatre
Chocolate covered cherries and strawberries
Game of Thrones discussions
The Walking Dead
Most horror movies
Black Friday shopping
Most things with pumpkin or pumpkin flavoring
Paying for bottled water
Watching most basketball games (I prefer baseball, football, and soccer)
Lying to people to make them feel good
Complaining about how much I hate working
People who won’t do anything to solve problems they complain about
Most coffee lattes
Most fiction novels
Trolling people online
Unexpected guests at my home
These are just a few of the things I don’t like but probably should. I should do more for fun posts 🙂
Going on a detour for this post. I haven’t done one of these ‘just for fun’ posts in a long time. This one is going to be about things that I like that many people would find surprising and would tell me that I shouldn’t like. So here goes:
McDonald’s Big Macs
Staying up all night and sleeping in the daylight hours
Turn based strategy games over first person shooter games
Non fiction science books
Spending time alone and in deep thought
Doing most of my shopping online
Poking good natured fun at hard core conspiracy theorists
Heavy metal music
Documentary movies (namely science themed)
The comedy of Bill Hicks more than George Carlin
Comedy themed news shows like The Daily Show and Corbert Report
Lady Gaga’s music
Free audiobooks on youtube
Muting political debates and making up my own dialog
Mystery Science Theatre 3000
Well done Anime movies
Reading in the bathtub
These are just a few of the things I like but probably shouldn’t. But I should do more for fun type posts anyway 🙂
I’m currently at my parents’ house for the next couple days. There was some maintenance work that needed to be done at my apartment. But as long as I have my computer and even average internet service, I can get everything I need done.
Been sleeping more than I would like again. Not sure what to make of that. I’ve also been more frustrated and short tempered and depressed than usual for the last couple weeks. Normally spring is my favorite time of year. So I’m not sure what’s going on. Still getting more active and being more careful about what I eat. Since I am at my parents’ house, I’ve been doing more socializing in person than my usual.
Being back in a small town for the first time in months, I had forgotten how quiet things could be. I had gotten used to hearing people in my hallways and knocking on doors for most of the day. I was also hearing ambulance and fire sirens a few times a day too as I lived on a busy street. And I forgot how dark it gets at night in rural areas. It’s almost eerily dark. Yet it was something I had taken for granted while growing up.
I plan on spending another couple days here. I really hadn’t had much peace and quiet in my life for the last few weeks. I’m ready for things to settle down again. Dare I say, I actually miss winter now. I don’t miss the cold and snow, but I do miss the quiet days and down time. I usually do pretty good writing in the winter months.
My back still flares up from time to time. The worst part is that I can’t stand for more than ten minutes without real bad back pain. I’m afraid I may have to go back to a chiropractor. I’ve already had a couple rounds of treatments since my car accident. But I’m getting more and more afraid that this back pain might be chronic even as I lose weight. It’s really sad as I used to walk thirty minutes a day, five days per week before my car accident. I know now that wreck messed me up more than I cared to admit. Hopefully as I lose more weight, the back pain can subside.
As it is, I’m taking it easy for the next couple days as things are getting straightened out back home. And I am enjoying the first true downtime in the last few weeks.
Been kind of depressed and irritable for the last several days. Haven’t been sleeping well either. About the only thing going really well for me is my renewed diet. I am eating less than I normally do and getting more activity. I get my activity in the afternoons even though I’m in the habit of sleeping until noon again.
I also no longer want to socialize. And this time I don’t feel guilty for it. I am tired of people who are in foul and angry moods trying to drag me down into their own mindlessness and petty vendettas. Unfortunately, anymore, if it weren’t for negativity and fighting, there would be few conversations and certainly no social media. I hate how I just can’t have a civilized conversation with even people I partly agree with anymore. And good luck trying to talk to anyone who doesn’t view the world the same way you do. I’m beginning to think that many people have mental health problems just because of the way we treat each other and the stress of modern living. Granted, a person doesn’t have to be chronic like those of us on disability to have problems. I have had a mental illness for almost twenty years now. And only recently are people starting to talk about the effects of stress, anxiety, and chronic mental illnesses. For the first several years of my diagnosis I didn’t talk about my mental health to anybody. And I think I lost several good friendships because my friends didn’t understand that my depression and anger were nothing personal, they were manifestations of the sickness.
For the first several years of my illness I just didn’t talk about it, not even to friends or employers. Back in those days mental illness was shrouded in more mystery and ridicule than even now. I have no idea how many times I was told to ‘suck it up’ or ‘man up’ in those early years. ‘Man up’. Now there is a stupid phrase I can’t figure out. What does it even mean? Is there really only one type of manliness? And why is it the only type of virtues in a man we appreciate are those that involve the John Wayne frontier mentality that violence is the only way to solve all problems? I think this is stupid, very stupid. A mentality like that will make our species extinct. And quite honestly, I enjoy living too much to sit idle while this type of barbarian behavior is honored and encouraged. I would rather not go back to the Stone Age. I hated all the ‘Mad Max’ movies and I definately don’t want to experience them in real life.
Another thing, we don’t females to ‘woman up’ and we don’t tell senior citizens to ‘young down’ nor do we tell terminally ill people to ‘hurry up and die.’ It’s little things that normal people just take for granted that I don’t understand and that I often see the dumbness and hypocracy in. But most people seem pretty cool with dumb things and hypocracy anyway, at least when it comes from sources they like. Unfortunately I never understood this line of thinking. It’s probably why I have problems socializing with the public at large. And of course having a chronic mental illness that people are still ignorant about doesn’t help either.
In closing, as a thought experiment, I was wondering what would happen if someone (or a group of individuals) just went about their daily lives being as rude and condescending to physical people as we are to people in our online interactions. I would love to see some psychiatrist conduct this experiment. I think the results would be either very interesting or very disturbing.
Been changing up my routines now the weather is staying warm. Went outside a few times today. First time was something as simple as taking my trash out and then spending an extra ten minutes outdoors. Then this late afternoon I spent almost an hour outdoors. When I do spend time outside lately, it’s usually for about a half hour at a time in the middle of the afternoon. I have been doing that for the last week or so.
I also decided to get serious about my diet again. Today was the first day of tracking what I eat. By that I mean I wrote down everything I ate today. Ate only two meals today just because I got tired of writing everything down. I know now that the only surefire way to lose weight in my case is to write down everything I eat. I lost seventy pounds in less than a year doing that a few years ago. I quit tracking after my car accident, got depressed, and started eating a lot. Gained back the weight I lost. I want to lose weight because there are still things I’d love to do in my life. I already have a strong mind, I just as well get the body to go with it. I imagine with my build being what it is, I will never be able to run marathons. I’m naturally barrel chested and stocky with short limbs. But I could easily walk four to five miles a day when I was in college. I want to lose weight largely because I think that is the only way my back is ever going to completely heal. I’m tired of dealing with back pain. I’ve lost weight before. It’s a matter of doing it again.
I also hired a house cleaning service. They are currently scheduled to come to my apartment every two weeks. They’ll be here tomorrow afternoon. My place is looking better than it was even a few weeks ago. One of the things that caused me such depression, I think, was living in a cluttered house. I was depressed because the house was cluttered and the house stayed cluttered because I was too depressed to do anything about it. Mental illness can be such a vicious cycle that it tough to pull out of. But I think I am pulling out of my winter depression and anxiousness. I am so glad I haven’t had the anger and anxiety that I’ve had in years past.
Spent the last couple days out of my hometown while visiting family. It was pleasant to unplug and unwind while enjoying the company of my parents. Didn’t get much done on this trip other than unwind and touch base with family. I was needing at least a couple days of different surroundings. I visited my family at the acreage. It was good to be back around nature and less rush. While I am a self admitted city slicker even though I grew up in a rural area, it was still fun to be outside again for a couple hours at a time without being paranoid of being watched by nosy neighbors.
I sometimes get paranoid around even individual people nearby, especially when I want to be alone. When I was in college, I used to take my trash to a dumpster on the other side of town because I was afraid that people where going through my trash. I used to be afraid that neighbors and even family were listening in on my conversations. But the real paranoia I am working against now is that I fear that I am losing favor with my neighbors and fellow tenants in my complex. I may not be the greatest tenant in my complex, but I still try hard to be friendly with people and just avoid arguments as much as possible. Fortunately in my over ten years at my current address, I have had real arguments with only three tenants that I can think of right off hand. Fortunately those cleared up really quick and the problems were resolved shortly afterwards.
Paranoia is indeed strange. I know in the reasonable part of my mind that my paranoias aren’t real and that I’m essentially worrying over nothing that can’t be easily resolved. But, the irrational part of my mind keeps replaying these paranoid thoughts on an endless loop. Drowning out the paranoid thinking process with positive news that is actually happening helps. Positive thoughts help, especially if they can be shown to be true. That’s why I spend a lot of time researching science advances and medical news. Yet, even then, occasionally the paranoia gets the better of my reasonable side. The problems I had over the last few days, fortunately, tend to get more rare and even less intense than even a few years ago. I was happy that I was able to go through this last round of problems without yelling and acting out. I’ve notice the breakdowns I do have anymore don’t seem to be as intense. I hope I have gotten better with letting off a little at a time rather than holding it in for a major meltdown.
I was more depressed and weary than angry and irritated these last few days. I guess that depression and weariness are becoming stronger than irritation and anger at this stage in my life. I’m glad that it takes more to anger me than in years past. I no longer avoid driving because of fears of going into road rage; I avoid driving now partly because I find it kind of boring and I don’t like being on the lookout for people who just aren’t paying as much attention to the road as they should. It doesn’t make me angry, but it does make me think ‘how bad do I really want to go out tonight when I can still contact friends from home.’ I used to love to travel. But I don’t enjoy the travel as much now. I enjoy the company of friends and family more now.
I haven’t been doing as well the last few days as I have been in previous months. I’m feeling excessively paranoid and just wanting to be alone all the time anymore. I don’t even enjoy talking on the phone. Other than a couple friends and a couple futurist groups, I have given up on socializing on facebook. Just seems to me that everyone wants to be irritable and riled up all the time anymore. And it makes me sick. Makes me wonder why bother being an optimist or trying to stay in a good mood. Everyone else it seems is in always in a lousy and angry mood, why should I be any different? I just don’t see any happiness or genuine joy in the world anymore. I’m just scared all the time anymore. I’m scared of my neighbors, I’m scared of my landlords, I’m scared of my family, and I’m scared of even friends and acquiantances anymore. It’s like empathy doesn’t exist anymore. I just want to stay home and sleep all the time anymore. And even in my dreams I am tormented. But at least my dreams aren’t real. My paranoias might not be reality either, but they just as well be as that is how powerful the human mind is. I’m just too tired and burned out to stay angry all the time anymore. That anger has given way to genuine fear and anxiety. I am tired of being full of fear all the time. I used to believe the future would be really cool if we could get past our short term issues. I no longer believe that. I think the dystopians were right and the future will be worse than even now. I’ve observed people in my own life since I was a child and rarely do people change for the better over the years. Most actually get more angry, greedy, irritable, and hateful as they age. At least, that’s the impression that I have gotten over the years. I’m tired of always being sad and depressed. I’m tired of seeing nothing but hate and anger in everyone I meet anymore. People like that just as well be back in the Stone Age. And maybe that’s where we are heading. I hope not. I guess I’m writing just to get things I’ve kept bottled up for weeks now. I’m scared if I had the traditional psych breakdown where I vent for a couple hours that I’ll get the cops called on me and I will definately then be evicted. I’ve always had the fear of being evicted from my apartment too. Had that for years. I doubt it would be any better if I owned my own property. I’m just paranoid to a disabling degree. But such is the nature of schizophrenia. And I still have no understanding of people who don’t believe that mental illness exists. But some people are just ignorant and lack any kind of empathy. If you have no empathy, than I won’t deal with you. The world needs empathy, compassion, and a willingness to forgive and let a few things slide more than ever. And I just don’t see this happening, at least not where I live.
Things are starting to return to normal for me. Got my lease renewed, so I get to stay for another year. The weather is turning warmer and things are really greening up outside. Spring was slow in getting started but it is certainly here.
And yet my sleep patterns are changing once again. I’m back to wanting to sleep much of the day now. I still fight it as I don’t sleep as much as I did during the winter. But I feel tired more often now and I just want to spend as much time asleep as possible. I’m still fighting against it by forcing myself to stay awake. I have found myself falling asleep in front of my computer a couple times as a result. Maybe I just wasn’t getting quality sleep for the last few weeks when I was sleeping only 6 hours a night. I do know that getting good sleep can make my mental illness problems less severe. Maybe I should just sleep as much as I can for the next few days as kind of a reset. I traditionally have problems with depression, anxiety, and irritability from July until September. My best and most stable months are usually January to June. I just don’t do well mentally in hot weather.