Looks like spring has finally sprung after a couple false starts. As long and tough as this winter has been, it feels almost surreal that it is finally over. I had been so used to such bitter cold and snow for a long time. It’s actually odd that I can now go somewhere without having to worry about the weather. Haven’t been able to do this for a very long time. I became used to spending entire days indoors and sleeping sometimes over 10 hours a day just to pass the time. Of course such long periods without sunlight or travel or face to face human interaction took its toll on me.
I think I developed some cabin fever during the long days and weeks when I was homebound. I had some bouts of depression, paranoia, anxiety, and even some hallucinations creeping back in. Sometimes I’d hear footsteps in the hallway that weren’t there. Sometimes I’d hear knocking at my door when no one was there. I’d sometimes hear people talking in the hallway when no one was there. And these were always at their worst when I was really tired and about to go to sleep.
Fortunately things are improving. I can’t say exactly when things starting turning around. Changes have always come gradually for me, too gradual for most people it seems. For years it seems like most people got frustrated with me because I have a hard time making changes at a moment’s notice. I also have a bad habit of wanting to know why such changes are being made. Needless to say, that didn’t make me a model student or employee. I just have to know the ‘why’ behind things. I’ve always been that way.
Looks like spring is finally here. And I plan on enjoying it.
I just don’t talk to anyone much anymore. But then it seems like people have been avoiding me too lately. I hope this is just my paranoia creeping in. But it does seem like almost no one has time or energy to just chat lately. I fear that I’m becoming this way too. I try to stay optimistic overall but it is tough. First, I’m not an optimist by nature as I wasn’t raised to be one. I was almost never told anything positive about the world or life in general from my elders as a kid. Made me wonder why anyone had kids if the world was falling apart as much as my parents, teachers, and church elders told me it was. But that was before I got out on my own and came to the realization that most people are more ruled by short term emotion than by long term logic. As someone who is part artist and part science enthusiast, I find my emotion and logical sides at conflict quite often. I have spent the better part of the last five years training up the logical part of my mind. It isn’t easy and it’s often frustrating. Bill Gates once stated that people tend to overestimate change in the short term but underestimate it in the long term. Getting to see what cool stuff happens next is one of the things that keeps me going. It’s the scientist, the engineer, the doctor, the humanitarian that gives me as much hope as most of my friends get out of their political parties. I try to explain to my friends that politicians can pass budgets, pass favorable laws, and then get out of the way. That’s about all they can do. I have never seen a politician build a power plant or figure out how to grow more crops with fewer chemicals. Many problems of modern civilization are science and engineering issues, not political or even social ones.
I just as well be speaking ancient Sanskrit to my friends in that they’re not coming around and probably never will. I would love to live in a world where the scientists and doctors were as well known and respected as pro athletes and big shot Hollywood stars. But I suppose that’s a pipe dream that won’t come true in my lifetime, if ever. As it is I am a mentally ill unemployed man trying to make sense of the madness in the people around me. At this point I’m glad I don’t have a regular job in that it would probably drive me to complete break down. I’m glad for the safety nets I have. It saddens and sickens me that there are people who want to remove even these. We live in a post industrial civilization where we can feed everyone, not some Stone Age Darwinian survival of the fittest setup our ancestors already overcame. Yet, it seems like some people are bent on bringing back the Stone Age. I hope it’s just my paranoia creeping in but it does seem like there’s too many people losing hope and giving up right before things get real interesting. As far as any politicians of any country go, they are merely “momentary masters of a fraction of a dot” to quote Carl Sagan. We would be wise to regain such perspective in our own lives.
Spent some time outdoors enjoying one of the last few days of summer. Also doing some cleaning in my apartment and rearranging furniture. It’s now a little easier to maneuver around, especially in the living room. Previously I had my computer desk in the middle of the room so I could watch ballgames and work on my computers at the same time. I now have a better setup as I won’t be tripping over power cords and wires as much now that I’ve moved my desk to a corner. I have my computers set up so I can watch them like a television from my recliner. I moved my couch so I watch tv from the couch. Previously I had used my recliner for everything. I use my regular tv mainly for play station games and live ballgames. Playoff baseball starts in a couple weeks and my Rockies have a shot of making the playoffs again this fall. We lost out in the first round last year.
After three months of changed eating patterns I think I’m seeing some positive differences. I am actually wanting to be active now rather than just spend entire days reading online articles or books. I socialize more often. I make it a point to now chat with other tenants at least three times a week. I rarely stay awake all night anymore. I am not as paranoid and anxious about my neighbors as I was this spring. I have fewer aches and pains. I still get winded sometimes when moving heavy furniture but I recover faster now. I still sometimes get stiff after sleeping, but it usually takes only a couple minutes of sitting up to be back to normal. And my clothing fits better.
Previously, from spring 2014 to summer 2015 I had lost slightly over 70 pounds in that time. I stagnated for a few months and then I had my car accident in fall 2015. After that I gained it all back. Oddly it took over two years to gain it all back, so it took longer to gain it than it did to lose it in the first place. I don’t really have any set goals as of right now.
I still sleep more than I would like. But so far it has helped me from having relapses. This has been a more pleasant than usual summer. Now the leaves are beginning to change and the weather will start cooling off any day. In Nebraska we usually get our first frost in mid October, so in three to four weeks if the averages hold out. I really don’t want to change much of my routine as it seems to be working. Sure I would like to travel more, but I’ll leave that for another time.
After a few days of preventative maintenance and taking more note of my mental well being, I think the feelings of anxiety, irritability, and depression are starting to dissipate. Sure I had to isolate for a couple days and I did sleep more than usual, but it seems to have worked. Overall I’m feeling more stable and I did leave my complex a couple times yesterday just to get some sunshine and make sure my car still runs properly. I don’t drive as much as I used to. But then I can do most of my socializing at home via phone calls, social media, and my blog. I don’t deal with nearly as much negativity as I once did. Two years ago, it was almost unbearable. But I have since learned who and what to avoid and I don’t closely follow anyone besides family, close friends, and discussion groups I’m interested in. Thank goodness for the unfollow buttons. I lost a few friends before I discovered what useful and tactful tools they could be. Even though the tempers have cooled some since the darkest days, I’m still kind of afraid to reestablish contact with people I’ve cut out or have cut me out. Hopefully it’s just the paranoia talking and not hard reality.
As it is anymore I rather enjoy staying home. I sometimes don’t even mind hosting guests. I’ve hosted college friends several times over the years. And I even hosted the previous two Foster family Christmas celebrations. The only real request I have is give me at bare minimum a few days notice. I am self conscious about my place and have come to accept that no matter how much I do with it, it isn’t going to please anyone but me. I never did just subjective crap like that when the goal line wasn’t universal but different for everyone. Even in high school speech and one act plays, I didn’t care about the awards and trophies. I mainly wanted to hear the audience laugh and think because of my performances.
I’m glad that summer is all but over. We have had some cooler and cloudy days lately mixed in the excessive heat typical of a Nebraska August. Makes me think that fall and winter are on the way. And I’ve always done my best writing and creative work during the cold weather. I also like some of the not so over the top Christmas decorations, New Year’s Day college football games, and being able to buy discounted chocolate after Valentine’s Day. I think that winter and spring are my favorite times of year. That is one thing I like about living in Nebraska; we get to experience all the seasons. Sure we don’t have the beautiful foliage of New England, the massive snows of Minnesota, or summer in it’s full hot and humid glory like the Southern states, but we get a little of everything here. And yes, the conditions of my mental illness do change with the seasons. But I usually have my worst times in late summer and my best times in late winter and spring. I do love the changes of the seasons.
Spent the last couple days out of my hometown while visiting family. It was pleasant to unplug and unwind while enjoying the company of my parents. Didn’t get much done on this trip other than unwind and touch base with family. I was needing at least a couple days of different surroundings. I visited my family at the acreage. It was good to be back around nature and less rush. While I am a self admitted city slicker even though I grew up in a rural area, it was still fun to be outside again for a couple hours at a time without being paranoid of being watched by nosy neighbors.
I sometimes get paranoid around even individual people nearby, especially when I want to be alone. When I was in college, I used to take my trash to a dumpster on the other side of town because I was afraid that people where going through my trash. I used to be afraid that neighbors and even family were listening in on my conversations. But the real paranoia I am working against now is that I fear that I am losing favor with my neighbors and fellow tenants in my complex. I may not be the greatest tenant in my complex, but I still try hard to be friendly with people and just avoid arguments as much as possible. Fortunately in my over ten years at my current address, I have had real arguments with only three tenants that I can think of right off hand. Fortunately those cleared up really quick and the problems were resolved shortly afterwards.
Paranoia is indeed strange. I know in the reasonable part of my mind that my paranoias aren’t real and that I’m essentially worrying over nothing that can’t be easily resolved. But, the irrational part of my mind keeps replaying these paranoid thoughts on an endless loop. Drowning out the paranoid thinking process with positive news that is actually happening helps. Positive thoughts help, especially if they can be shown to be true. That’s why I spend a lot of time researching science advances and medical news. Yet, even then, occasionally the paranoia gets the better of my reasonable side. The problems I had over the last few days, fortunately, tend to get more rare and even less intense than even a few years ago. I was happy that I was able to go through this last round of problems without yelling and acting out. I’ve notice the breakdowns I do have anymore don’t seem to be as intense. I hope I have gotten better with letting off a little at a time rather than holding it in for a major meltdown.
I was more depressed and weary than angry and irritated these last few days. I guess that depression and weariness are becoming stronger than irritation and anger at this stage in my life. I’m glad that it takes more to anger me than in years past. I no longer avoid driving because of fears of going into road rage; I avoid driving now partly because I find it kind of boring and I don’t like being on the lookout for people who just aren’t paying as much attention to the road as they should. It doesn’t make me angry, but it does make me think ‘how bad do I really want to go out tonight when I can still contact friends from home.’ I used to love to travel. But I don’t enjoy the travel as much now. I enjoy the company of friends and family more now.
I haven’t been doing as well the last few days as I have been in previous months. I’m feeling excessively paranoid and just wanting to be alone all the time anymore. I don’t even enjoy talking on the phone. Other than a couple friends and a couple futurist groups, I have given up on socializing on facebook. Just seems to me that everyone wants to be irritable and riled up all the time anymore. And it makes me sick. Makes me wonder why bother being an optimist or trying to stay in a good mood. Everyone else it seems is in always in a lousy and angry mood, why should I be any different? I just don’t see any happiness or genuine joy in the world anymore. I’m just scared all the time anymore. I’m scared of my neighbors, I’m scared of my landlords, I’m scared of my family, and I’m scared of even friends and acquiantances anymore. It’s like empathy doesn’t exist anymore. I just want to stay home and sleep all the time anymore. And even in my dreams I am tormented. But at least my dreams aren’t real. My paranoias might not be reality either, but they just as well be as that is how powerful the human mind is. I’m just too tired and burned out to stay angry all the time anymore. That anger has given way to genuine fear and anxiety. I am tired of being full of fear all the time. I used to believe the future would be really cool if we could get past our short term issues. I no longer believe that. I think the dystopians were right and the future will be worse than even now. I’ve observed people in my own life since I was a child and rarely do people change for the better over the years. Most actually get more angry, greedy, irritable, and hateful as they age. At least, that’s the impression that I have gotten over the years. I’m tired of always being sad and depressed. I’m tired of seeing nothing but hate and anger in everyone I meet anymore. People like that just as well be back in the Stone Age. And maybe that’s where we are heading. I hope not. I guess I’m writing just to get things I’ve kept bottled up for weeks now. I’m scared if I had the traditional psych breakdown where I vent for a couple hours that I’ll get the cops called on me and I will definately then be evicted. I’ve always had the fear of being evicted from my apartment too. Had that for years. I doubt it would be any better if I owned my own property. I’m just paranoid to a disabling degree. But such is the nature of schizophrenia. And I still have no understanding of people who don’t believe that mental illness exists. But some people are just ignorant and lack any kind of empathy. If you have no empathy, than I won’t deal with you. The world needs empathy, compassion, and a willingness to forgive and let a few things slide more than ever. And I just don’t see this happening, at least not where I live.
Currently in the middle of my spring cleaning. It’s not going as fast as I would like it to though. My lower back flares up after being on my feet for awhile so I have to go slower than I used to. I am beginning to fear that lower back pain is something I’ll be fighting for the rest of my life. One of the reasons this is turning into a bigger than usual job is that I wasn’t keeping up on the cleaning and maintenance this winter like I had in years past. I didn’t keep up on it because of the back pain and occasional bouts of depression to where I didn’t want to do anything but read and watch youtube videos. I went through a lot of that last fall and this past winter. I don’t know if it was the weather that had me depressed or if the illness was flaring up in different ways than previously. I did go through bad bouts of paranoia when I would sometimes go two to three days in a row without leaving my apartment. I don’t get the paranoia nearly as bad anymore. I don’t know if the weather turning warmer or just the natural cycles of my schizophrenia is causing these changes.
It’s not that I was lazy about my upkeep just because I was lazy. I have lived on my own more or less for fourteen years and I always made a point to keep my place picked up and better looking than most bachelor pads. I think the mental illness was effecting me more this last fall and winter than I would have cared to admit. Looking back on some of my winter writings I was really paranoid and too often had delusional feelings of persecution that, in reality, were alive only in my stressed and diseased mind. I have to admit as my paranoia can flare up worse than in years past and with my physical health not as robust as it once was, I have to bring in outside help. I am convinced I’ll need to reconfigure my budget and hire a regular cleaning service. Sometimes I’d be depressed about the apartment looking shabby and the apartment looked shabby because I was too depressed and paranoid to do anything about it. I know I can get back on top of my current issues. Living on my own for fourteen years I have proven to myself and others that I can even if it takes me a little longer than many average people. It’s just a matter of doing so.
I know that sometimes in my blog I probably appear over optimistic about having schizophrenia and being an adult in general. Sometimes that is be encouraging to the readers, sometimes I write things I need myself to hear. I imagine I have been overly optimistic when I wasn’t in the grips of paranoia and delusion this winter.
In other news, I think I’m starting to lose weight again. I can tell my clothes are fitting looser and my back pain isn’t as intense. As far as my diet goes, I have cut out pasta, rice, and bread. I eat mostly grilled lean meats and vegetables anymore. And I think I’m starting to see some results. I want to get back on top of everything that slid during my fall and winter bouts of depression, paranoia, delusions, and anxiety. At least I no longer feel anxious when I hear footsteps in the hallway. So that’s a start.