I always wanted to have a great career in the medical science field. I loved hearing stories about scientists like Einstein, Curie, Pasteur, Edison, etc. even as a small child. One of the earliest books I remember reading was about Louis Pasteur and his ideas about germs. I wanted to make good discoveries that would benefit people. I wasn’t so concerned about becoming rich as long as I was making a positive difference.
As much thought as I put into my future career as a child I didn’t put much thought into marriage and family. I figured I’d probably follow the same path my parents and grandparents did, meet someone a couple years after finishing high school and get married a few years later. But I ran into problems with the beginnings of my mental illness while still in high school. It was my best friend who suggested that I may have a serious mental illness rather than traditional teenage moodiness. Turns out she was right even back then.
Since I was struggling to figure out the nuances of my mental illness and trying to keep my grades up in college, I swore off dating entirely the last three years I was in college. I probably could have dated some but I thought I needed to devout all my time and energy to getting through college and my outside reading. I also didn’t feel right about burdening a woman with my mental health problems while I was trying to figure them out for myself.
I have had flare ups on family members and close friends. They were painful for me and no doubt painful to those who were catching the force of my breakdowns. I would much prefer to have a mental illness that would allow me to break down and uncontrollably sob and weep. But my illness, being what it is, doesn’t allow that. I haven’t cried in over ten years about anything, not even at my grandparents’ funerals. Unfortunately the way my mind is wired I have breakdowns where I’ll yell at and curse even those I care about the most. And I refuse to put a girlfriend or wife through that. I especially refuse to have a psychotic breakdown around children. My brother has four kids, aged twelve, nine, seven, and five. I haven’t had a breakdown around them and I avoid them when I am feeling shaky. I have had to not attend Thanksgiving and Easter in years past because I was fearful of having a breakdown around my brother’s or cousins’ kids. As it is I am the uncle who treats the kids essentially the same way I do adults and joke around with them. I don’t want to ruin that.
I don’t have a wife or girlfriend or kids because of my mental illness. It’s bad enough dealing with it on my own. I refuse to take my problems out on anyone else if it can be avoided. I know myself well enough that I know I would be a bad and unstable husband and father because of my schizophrenia. That’s why I won’t marry or even date.
Bought groceries and supplies today. So I’m set for another couple weeks even if it means the money is going to be tight for awhile. Such is expected being on disability insurance and having limited funds to work with. Being able to budget money is a skill everyone needs. But it’s vitally important being on disability insurance. Social Security Disability Insurance isn’t designed to make it’s recipients wealthy. It is usually enough to get you by if you do a little planning and budgeting.
Every time I’m out shopping I hunt for sales and discounts. I also have a rewards card (not a credit card) through one of the regional grocery store chains that gives discounts on gasoline purchases. I have planned to where I usually get a 50 cent per gallon discount when I buy fuel. As I don’t have a SUV or a pickup truck I can usually…
Been feeling pretty decent mentally for the last several weeks. I haven’t really felt much anxiety or aggravation this month. I am back exercising again. Still have a long way to go to build up my stamina. But it is better than even two weeks ago. I am starting to get out of my apartment complex more often. I haven’t been to the park much this summer but I am beginning to get over my fear of driving. It’s been quite hot in my town this summer, especially this month. So far the heat isn’t effecting my mood. I usually do better in colder weather than hot weather. Winter and spring are usually my best times of year.
Heard back on my insurance claim from my auto accident last October. They’re offering to cover my medical expenses and give a little extra for my troubles. I’m not sure what I’m going to do with the money as I already live debt free and really wasn’t planning on getting anything extra. I’ll probably put the money into my savings. When my car was wrecked, the auto shop had to do a few thousand dollars worth of work on the car. It was almost as much as the resale value of the car. If the airbags would have deployed or the damage much worse, the car would have been scrapped. It’s a good car with only 42,000 miles and only one previous owner. It was a commuter car for a nurse who took good care of it. It’s a good car and hopefully I can hold onto it for the next ten years.
It won’t be too long before the weather starts cooling off and school starts again. School starts in 3 1/2 weeks in my town. Since I live in a college town, this town really comes to life again in the autumn. I went to the community open house at the local state university last year. Had enough fun I might go again this year. I haven’t done much for socializing or fun this summer. My nephews and niece are visiting their grandparents next week so we’re talking about taking the kids to a museum and for a picnic lunch in my town when they are here. It’s their last fling before school starts. The oldest is starting middle school this year. And the youngest will probably start pre kindergarten this year as well.
The Olympics start next week too. I always enjoy those. I especially like watching the track and field events. I hope it goes off without any problems. I really haven’t watched much for tv or sporting events since the end of the Copa America and Euro tournaments. I especially had to watch when Team USA played. Other than getting blown out by Argentina the US team put up a better showing than I thought they would. It would go a long way to popularizing soccer in the US if they put up a good showing at the World Cup in a couple years. I follow soccer some, especially if Team USA is playing, because I have a niece and a nephew who are big soccer players already. And I have to keep reminding myself that unlike football or baseball, soccer doesn’t have tv timeouts every fifteen minutes. More than once I have had to visit the restroom while watching a game only to miss a goal.
The weather will start turning cooler within four to six weeks. The leaves will start turning by late September and the corn harvest will begin in late September and be in full speed by October. This has been a long summer for me but it is almost over. I’m pretty happy that I have gotten through much of the summer without any prolonged problems.
Rarely can you turn on your tv or log onto your internet without seeing some piece of bad news. Any given day you can hear about some mass shooting, some terrorist attack, or some natural disaster. Yet we rarely pay attention when something really good happens. Whenever we get poor customer service we usually get upset with the company and feel free to tell all of our friends and coworkers. But the vast majority of the time we received good or even great service, it’s nothing but silence.
I don’t think it’s ingratitude that cause people to pay no attention to good things and good news. It’s how we are wired. We are much more likely to pay attention to bad news than good. It served us well when we were still prehistoric hunter gatherers trying to forge a living in an unforgiving environments. Not so much anymore. We make little note of the facts that we are much less likely to suffer violence in our lives or cheated in business. We pay more attention to these facts because we hear about every murder and every foul business practice. ‘If it bleeds, it leads’ is still true today. And I am convinced constantly paying attention to these needless fears and anxieties are not good for our mental health.
I had to consciously stop watching the news because I knew that everything that is going on is not being equally reported. About all I have heard on my news feeds for a year now was election this and election that. Seriously? That’s the only thing that matters in our world for the last year? You have got to be joking. We’re sending probes all over our solar system, just finished digging a huge tunnel under the Swiss and French Alps, are testing medications that could severely slow down degenerative brain diseases, the Olympics are starting in early August, the Chinese are about finished building the largest radio telescope in history, Nicaruaga is building a canal to compete with the Panama Canal, we’re testing vaccines for HIV, and we’re discovering new exoplanets all the time. And that is just a short list. We are living in really cool times and the media isn’t even covering most of the good stuff. All the news that’s fit to print, right.
People wonder why I haven’t watched cable news in almost ten years. I have enough going on in my own life and I see enough cool stuff going on through non traditional and specialized media sources to pay attention to the cable news dinosaurs. I really don’t know anyone under the age of 40 who watches cable news on a regular basis. My brother and most of my friends don’t even have cable or satellite tv. I wouldn’t have it except I get it with my apartment. All I watch on traditional tv is live sporting events. Cable news companies, if you want to quit losing your audiences try reporting something other than calamity and politics. Some of us actually want an easy source to find out about science and tech advances and humanitarian efforts. The latest violence and the politician who got busted in a scandal doesn’t matter to most people. It certainly doesn’t matter to me anymore. That’s why I’m no longer a viewer. And that has gone a long way in helping me manage my depression and anxiety problems.
Ever since I changed medications back in March I gradually started reading more. For several months before I changed my psych medications I had little interest in reading. I had gotten rid of some of my books. I still had several hundred ebooks and I kept my books I wanted to reread. But I hadn’t been reading much for a long time. I had just lost interest in reading. I was watching a lot of educational videos on youtube and netflix.
Now it was quite unusual for me to lose interest in reading. I have known how to read even from my earliest memories. I didn’t have to be encouraged to read as the village library was a second home to me. While most of the neighborhood kids were playing basketball or throwing around the football during our summer afternoons, I was spending my time at the library. I never really did like fantasy books or get too much into fiction. But I absolutely loved books about different animals, different plants, different nations, and the high achievers of history. Reading so much nonfiction during my summers off from school really helped me in my classes once school started. Sometimes I would read ahead in the textbooks because I wanted to know what would be covered next. I read ahead especially in science and history books. I didn’t have to be encouraged to read. I had to be forced to put down the books and get physical activity with the neighborhood kids from even an early age.
I read because I thought learning something new was entertainment. It actually makes me feel good physically to learn new things. Reading a good book and learning new ideas gives me a high that no booze, money, or woman could possibly give me. I know I’m weird for loving learning, at least I’m weird in my culture. But I certainly wouldn’t want to ever be where I couldn’t read. That’s why I would prefer to go hard of hearing rather than lose my eye site. It’s sad that not very many people continue their education after high school or college. For me that’s when my self education really took off. I’ve learned more history, economics, philosophy, biology, chemistry, and literature since graduating college than I did when I was in school. Being in school laid the foundation but my love of reading took it to levels that not many achieve on their own. I would rather read a book than go to a nightclub. I have always been that way.
I know some people think they were born in the wrong era and would have been happier in medieval times or in the old west. I don’t look to the past like that even though history was one of my best subjects in high school. Part of me wonders at what excellent things my five year old nephew will see in his lifetime should he live to be in his late nineties like my grandmother. I think about some of the changes she saw just in her lifetime. She went from being in awe of Henry Ford’s automobile to having a Facebook account that she used to keep up with friends and family. She didn’t even have indoor plumbing in her house until after she was married. My grandfather used to trade in his car after it had over 50,000 miles because it was wearing out. Now a car can last much longer even with minimal maintenance. My five year old nephew will never know a world before the internet or basic automation. He will never know a world where we didn’t know the human genome. He will probably never own a music CD. If self driving cars gain wide spread acceptance, he might not even need to own a car or even have a driver’s license. I can’t imagine what he will see in his lifetime, let alone his children’s lifetime. For me things have gotten really interesting just in the last twenty five years. I wouldn’t want to live in the past. I would be even more ridiculed in the old west because of my reading. I would have been burned at the stake as a heretic in medieval times. I would have been a terrible hunter in the Ice Ages. My only hope then would have to become the tribal medicine man providing I didn’t kill myself from doing experiments with poisoned plants and mushrooms. In short I love learning and seeing advances. I love seeing the advances I have seen just since I was old enough to pay attention thirty years ago. I can hardly wait to see what advances come by the time even I’m an old man. It’s things like these advances and seeing people becoming less accepting of violence, sexism, bigotry, and cruelty that give me hope for the future of my species.