Spent a few days in my childhood home over Thanksgiving weekend. It went better than expected. I was worried that things wouldn’t go well with so many people in one house. Fortunately things went with no problems and I got to see my brother’s family for the first time in months. I had been avoiding socializing in person for months just because it seemed that most people were always in foul moods. That is all I had seen on social media for the previous two years at least. Finally I quit checking my facebook and twitter accounts. I don’t use either one except to promote my blog now. It saddens me that I had to lose contact with some of my oldest and dearest friends because some people insist on being blowhards and jerks to other people online. I always wondered what people like that were like in person. It would be an interesting experiment.
Returned home over the weekend. I have pretty much avoided going shopping or even on the roads to avoid the holiday crowds. I never did enjoy crowds, even before I became mentally ill. I pretty much do most of my shopping online anymore. I found out that there is a grocery store in my town that will allow online orders and home deliveries. I have used that a few times lately. And I’ll be using it even more now that the holidays are here.
As far as celebrating Christmas is concerned, I’m not as excited about getting gifts as I was when I was growing up. Anymore I just care about spending time with family, having good food, and watching my brother’s kids have a good time. I also enjoy going around my town and looking at the decorations, especially after dark. And since we usually have snow on Christmas were I live, it adds even more beauty to the season.
All and all I am ready for winter. Summer was hotter than usual and autumn seemed to last longer than usual. I am not as worried about being in closed quarters with my neighbors as I was in years past as several of my problem neighbors moved out this autumn. It has been quiet and peaceful ever since. I leave my apartment more often and I’m more apt to make a point of socializing with neighbors. Used to be I would sometimes go entire days without leaving my apartment. But those problems are over. It seems the older I get, the less tolerance I have for rude people and stupidity. And I am noticing my friends in my age bracket are becoming the same way. Thank God I haven’t gotten to the point were I’m complaining about the “lousy kids” yet. If I get to that point, I hope somebody knocks some sense into me. I spent my entire childhood and my twenties listening to my elders gripe and moan about people in my age bracket. Going through that, I promised I would never do that to anyone.
Overall my life is rather no thrills. I spend a lot of my days playing computer games, reading online articles, talking to friends and family over the phone or online, and chatting up my neighbors. I am still slogging through the Star Trek spinoffs on Netflix. I would eventually love to have watched every episode of Star Trek. I still have a long way to go. It will probably take a few years. On the bright side, I’m no longer sleeping twelve hours a day anymore. And the hallucinations I have now are no longer frightening, they are just annoying. Maybe mental illness does get less severe as a patient ages. I think it has in my case.
The weather is turning colder again indicating that winter won’t be too far away. The leaves on the trees have completely turned. Since I have lots of trees in view of my apartment windows, I can enjoy the autumn foliage and not even put on a coat. I am still a little guarded about whom I socialize with, but at least I socialize a little everyday now. Somedays I’ll stay home most of the time, but I am not as afraid of traveling as I was even a few weeks ago. I try to get outside at least once a day and I’ve been lifting weights for a week now.
I’m also attempting to readjust my sleep patterns to more regular times. For weeks I have been sleeping in the mornings after staying awake most nights. Naturally this messed up my social life and sleep patterns. It also doesn’t help that I’ve been drinking more coffee and hot tea to try to warm up during these colder days. I imagine that this could take several days as I am used to sleeping in the mornings and then being up in the afternoons and overnight hours.
I haven’t seen any family in person since the summer. That will probably change in a few weeks as Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming up. I have usually been stressed during the holidays in years past. Anymore I avoid going to the stores and malls from Halloween to Christmas just to avoid crowds and the sensory overload. I don’t enjoy Christmas shopping or Christmas music. The only truly Christmas movies I like are It’s A Wonderful Life and A Christmas Story. I like the supernatural thrillers of Halloween better. I can’t get into those slasher killer movies. So I’ve been watching more supernatural thrillers lately in the spirit of Halloween. I also enjoyed the old ‘War of the Worlds’ radio broadcast. Youtube has a few recordings of that. So I’ll be binge watching Halloween movies for the next couple days.
Been getting more regular sleep the last few days. So I’m returning to some of my old routines. Started lifting weights again. No doubt it’ll take a few weeks to get back into the routine of lifting weights three times a week. I’m eating healthier again. I used to eat fast food about once a day. Haven’t had the stuff for two weeks now. Been getting up around eight a.m. the last several days. Still napping for a couple hours in the afternoons. But I am no longer staying awake most of the nights.
Been going outside a couple times a day for the last few days. Starting to socialize again too. Found out that some of our more problematic residents have moved out. One of the reasons I isolated so much over the last year or so was to avoid these people. I can freely socialize again without fear of running into negative and angry people all the time. Too bad this didn’t happen a few months ago. Some of these individuals were really taxing my sanity and well being.
Had some changes in my medications. So far they seem to be working. As it is I have a several week supply of meds built up in case of emergencies. I think that after several months of less than optimal times, things are starting to look good again.
Since I’m starting to sleep less and more regular hours again, I’m finding myself with more free time. I’m still not sure what I’m going to do with this new found freedom and energy. I have pretty much been withdrawn and homebound for awhile. I imagine I need to start contacting friends and family again. I haven’t been a regular on Facebook for over a month. I want to get back in touch with people again. I’m even starting to look forward to the holidays for the first time in a long time. I’m glad to be back on the mend and more active again.
I want to start losing weight again. I’ve been real lazy about diet and exercise since my car accident two years ago. As a result I gained back all the weight I had lost previously. I haven’t been drinking sugared sodas for a couple weeks and I’m cutting back in other places too. I’m eating more vegetables too. Started lifting weights again. Been lazy about that for a long time. So glad I kept my old hand weights during my minimalist purges. Overall things are looking better than usual. Even during my exiles I stayed positive for the most part. But now I am more social and outgoing, it can get even better.
Even though I haven’t heard from many people besides family and a couple close friends, I remain optimistic overall. I get much of my optimism from reading science journals and intentionally looking for humanitarian efforts stories online. Reading these stories from sites like futurism.com, human progress.org, future timeline.net, among many youtube science and tech sites helps to keep me optimistic overall. I know we have problems. But I just became sick and tired of always hearing how bad everything was and how it was never going to get better. I have been hearing about how bad the world was and how bad everyone was since I was old enough to listen in on conversations.
Growing up, I almost never heard my elders or teachers have anything good to say about the future or the world in general. That bothered me for many years. I have been hearing dire predictions for years, yet most of them never came to pass or turned out to be manageable. Several years ago I finally had enough. So I forced myself to do some research and find out what was actually going right. I had to do a lot of research over the last several years to see what we were doing, where we were going, and what had already accomplished. We are doing some really cool things in the realms of science, technology, and humanitarian efforts. You just won’t hear about them on Facebook or the news. Granted this is not a license for problem solvers to get complacent or lazy. Humans have an incredible ability to see into the future and spot potential problems long before they happen. Not only do we have the ability to see what could happen, we also can plan and change accordingly. And we change and plan so well sometimes we forget what the original problems were to begin with.
I haven’t spent much time on Facebook or twitter lately. I still go to Facebook a couple times a day just to see what’s up with friends and family. But, for me, Facebook is the internet’s version of looking in the refrigerator and hoping there’s still some left over pizza from last night. Most of the time you’ll get stuck with hot dogs, moldy cheese, and old lunch meat, but sometimes you get lucky. I still drop in on my tech enthusiasts’ groups, but I don’t participate much beyond liking articles that are being shared. Unfortunately, mental illness and social media don’t mix well. Not much I can do about it besides staying away when I don’t feel well.
I still stay awake quite late most nights. It seems to be when I get the most research and writing done. But at least I’m still getting enough sleep. I do enjoy the quiet and solitude of the overnight hours. I may have odd hours and odd practices, but at least I can still function with my mental illness.
Feeling pretty decent overall the last several days. About the only real issue I have right now is that I prefer to be awake at night and sleep during the days. I still get outside a little everyday, usually in the late afternoons or early evenings. I don’t socialize as much as I have in years past. But it seems to me that most people have been in fouler than usual moods for the last several months. I have abandoned Facebook and twitter, except for my blog, entirely because I am tired of dealing with all the anger and negativity. I have enough chaos going on in my own mind. I won’t be part of anyone else’s. Seriously, is it so tough to be in a decent mood? If I as a mentally ill man can force myself into it for much of the time, surely normal people can. Maybe the reason I feel decent is because I am avoiding people in general.
I admit I’m doing less in some areas in my late 30s than I did even a few years ago. Right now, I have no desire to travel anywhere. I have no desire to ever hold a traditional job again. I have zero desire for a dating relationship. I prefer to be left alone most of the time. I have less tolerance for rude and reckless people. And I am definitely sick of hearing nothing but negativity all the time. At the same time, I keep in more contact with good friends. I read more. I do more brain building activities. I rarely watch tv. I make it a point to not watch the news channels (I can’t wait for those dinosaurs to go extinct). I don’t measure myself by my job or how much money I have. Not having a lot of money is not a big deal to me. I always hated the statement, “He who dies with the most toys wins.” What a stupid idea. It doesn’t bother me that I don’t have a regular job. It definitely doesn’t bother me that my sweat and toil is no longer making someone else more money than it makes me. I suppose I never was going to make it as a corporate man. And I definitely couldn’t make it as a politician. I’m too honest and I don’t always tell people what they want to hear.
I can’t understand why so many people stay in jobs they hate or stay in toxic relationships. I am fortunate to have some friends who don’t make a lot of money yet they love what they do, namely my friends who became teachers. I have some other friends who yes, they can’t stand their jobs, but they also have side hustles that could or have turned profitable. One friend of mine worked as a gas station clerk until she finally decided to move to a different town and start her own business out of her basement. I left my last “real job” in an attempt to concentrate more on my writing and self education. These blogs are the children of those efforts. And I wouldn’t want to do anything else, at least not at this current point.
Sure I made more money working as a janitor and factory hand in years past, but I have a much further reach with these mental health blogs. Every day I have visitors from outside the USA. I’d say at least a quarter of my readers are not from my country. I hear from people of all ages, backgrounds, careers, etc. because of this work. I get to talk to people of different lifestyles and cultures and I don’t even have to put on shoes or leave my apartment. It’s a great job for me and my situations. Sure it took years of struggle and sadness to get to this level of acceptance to where I can speak freely about my struggles with schizophrenia. But once it became clear to me in my mid twenties that the mental illness would not allow me to hold a regular career, I found out that time was an great asset I possessed. It was just a matter of how I was going to spend the next years of my life. I could have easily become bitter and just dropped out entirely. But with my love of writing and unnaturally high levels of empathy and compassion, I couldn’t be content doing that. Once I learned that blogging could be a way of putting a human face on a mysterious and terrifying affliction, I decided to pursue this. I had never heard of blogging until I was in college. But it is something I am regularly doing and will continue to regularly do. I wonder how many other career paths will be created in the next 15 to 20 years that most people can’t yet imagine.
Once it became clear that my mental illness wasn’t going to allow me to have a regular career, I started pouring more efforts into my writing hobby. At the time I thought I just had to write some big selling novels. I wrote rough drafts for a couple novels but they never went anywhere. I wrote poetry, but who really makes money at being a poet? Finally I turned to nonfiction blogging because there was a need for what I am doing that wasn’t really going filled. I guess that’s the mark of any good artist or business person, find a need not being met and filling said need. I guess out of this blog I was able to salvage something positive out of what could have become a senseless tragedy.
Fall is here. The leaves are turning, the nights are getting longer, and the weather is cooling. Had to run my heater the last few nights. I do enjoy this time of year. It’s been several days since I last wrote. Updates are in order.
I haven’t had much to report the last few days because I have been feeling quite stable since my last breakdown a couple weeks ago. I now make a point to leave my apartment at least once a day. I usually buy groceries for two weeks at a time. Since winter is only a couple months away, I’ll have to start restocking my cold weather supplies soon. I haven’t been to my therapist for a few months simply because I really don’t have much to talk about with him. At this point in my illness, I really don’t have much of a desire to be social to strangers. I don’t really desire to leave my apartment much after dark, not because I live in a bad neighborhood, but because I don’t like driving at night anymore. It’s been a couple years since I went to the movie theatre as it seems that half of what’s shown anymore are remakes I saw the first time in my youth. If I want to watch something anymore, I just go to youtube or netflix. If I want to socialize I just call up my friends and family on the smart phone. I still avoid Facebook some as some people still can be quite nasty to each other over the pettiest differences of opinions. But I’d rather people be jerks to each other online than in person. I think one of the problems is that much can be lost in translation just with written text. I have thought about starting a youtube channel and doing a podcast through that as I think some of what I write can be lost in the reading.
I don’t mind not socializing much at this point in my life. I have always been an introvert who preferred having a few truly loyal friends and family members as opposed to having lots of casual friends. In my family, it seems that people are either extreme extroverts or extreme introverts. But sometimes I am my favorite company. I don’t mind going entire days without talking to people. I do like technology enough that I’m not going to be a modern Henry David Theorau and build a cabin on a lake and retreat from civilization. It can be tough being an introvert in a place and time that values “people person” types and extroversion. I have gotten in lots of trouble over the years for trying to keep to myself and just do my tasks at almost every job I ever had. It just isn’t enough to do the job and do it well anymore. But I know in previous eras I wouldn’t have had a job, I’d be in a mental asylum and probably would have had a short and chaotic life. It would have been much rougher in the past for someone like me. That’s why I’m not nostalgic.
It’s been almost a week since my psych breakdown. I’ve pretty much put the pieces back together. I’m going to bed earlier and have given up all caffeine for the last few days. I do sleep a lot again and I do occasionally get minor headaches. I hope the headaches are more from stress than caffeine withdrawal.
I do get out of my apartment a little everyday. I bought groceries and gas over the weekend. Had been putting that off for too long. Since the weather has turned cool I have been eating a lot of higher carb things like spaghetti and rice. I always did better in colder weather than the heat of the summer. I always did enjoy hunkering under a blanket and reading for hours on end.
I’m still reading many science and tech sites. Some days I have to remind myself that things like this are being attempted in the here and now all over the world and that it’s not a sci fi tv series. I saw things like driverless cars, urban farming, and portable computers only in comic books as a kid in the 1980s. Even our natural disasters, we are able to predict major storms days in advanced and organize rescue and humanitarian aid within hours. As bad as these recent hurricanes, forest fires, and earthquakes have been, in past eras they could have been much worse. I don’t know if I’m being overly optimistic, but I have spent much of my early years being a pessimist. I gave pessimism up once I figured out that most of what I worried about was more manageable then I previously thought. Anxiety is often worse than the actual problem itself.
Overall I’m feeling pretty decent considering how rough last week turned out. Even though I leave my apartment everyday, I don’t socialize much in person. I try to avoid social media as I have found some of my friends and family I enjoy talking to are now avoiding it too. I have enough going on in my schizophrenia stressed mind to deal with anyone else’s problems. I have to take care of myself before I can help out anyone.