After several days of colder than average weather, it finally warmed up a little today. At least it warmed enough for me to run some errands. It feels good to be able to leave my apartment again without worrying about frostbite. I had spent several days staying at home, watching college football, playing computer games, but doing little of anything else. I need to get back into some regular routines. To that end I started lifting weights again today. I had been lazy about lifting this summer and fall. I had been quite lazy about exercise ever since I hurt my back. Sadly I gained back the weight I had lost a few years ago. I’m starting over in this regard. I know I can lose the weight again, it’s just a matter of doing so.
Still not sleeping as much as I used to. Which is alright with me as I used to sleep twelve hours a day during the summer. Now I’m getting like six hours a sleep every night. Yet I still feel quite rested. And I usually try to take an hour nap in the afternoon. Even with my reduced sleep, I rarely stay up all night now. Used to be I stayed up all night three nights per week and then sleep in the mornings. My sleep is returning to more normal patterns.
Been spending a little more time on social media the last few days, mainly to find out about people’s holidays’ plans. I don’t know if I’ll be back on facebook and twitter more from now on. It seems to me that many of my friends have just gotten burnt out on all the drama and fighting that has been so prevalent for the last few years. I wound up unfollowing many people because of the drama, including family members. So much for making people more connected. I think the older I get, the less use I have for drama and nonsense and the more uses I have for logic and intelligence.
Now that the weather is starting to break out of the cold spell and the holidays are over, I am at a crossroads. I realize I now have more freedom than I used to. During the holidays I avoid the stores because of the crowds and loud Christmas music and too bright displays. I’m also at a loss now that I won’t have much going on until spring. January through April has always been a slow but stable time of year for me. Mentally I am usually my most stable during the winters. And I usually get a lot of reading and writing done during the colder parts of year. I admit I love to read for my own enlightenment more than I do my entertainment. I consider learning entertainment. I know I am weird in that regard. But learning new things gives me joy, I don’t care if being an intellectual makes me a social outcast.
Since the holidays are now over, I can get back to some resemblance of normal routines. I plan on doing many audiobooks on youtube this winter. I’m thinking about using my Khan Academy account to learn some subjects I wish I had taken when in school. And I plan on doing more outside my apartment so I can have more material to write about. Overall I plan on making 2018 an excellent year.
With the really cold weather I have had for the last several days, I rarely left my apartment between Christmas and New Year’s. I started my car a few times and shoveled out the snow so I can now get out if necessary. I’m going to have to get out within the next few days as I am running low on supplies and groceries. Being shut up inside has made me a little restless and bored. But it’s supposed to start warming up within a day or two. Maybe I can get out more often now. But it has been a lonely and tedious several days just staying home, watching football, and playing computer games. I hope to have a new routine started soon.
Haven’t gotten to talk to anyone besides my parents and a couple close friends since Christmas. I haven’t been on facebook much the last few months. Seems to me even my friends are starting to avoid social media. So much for reconnecting people. It has been kind of a lonely go the last several days. I did host Christmas but haven’t had guests since.
Even though mentally I have been stable for months, I don’t have much for enthusiasm in anything anymore. I used to be able to spend hours on end reading online articles or wikipedia in addition to educational programs on youtube and curiosity stream. I haven’t found much joy in these activities for a few weeks now. Not sure what the issues are. For all I know the reduction in doses of some of my psych meds could be the culprit. I may not have the ups and downs, but I am also losing many of my interests. I have also become quite lazy now, I’m embarrassed to admit. I imagine it’s just a matter of readjusting and adapting in order to get my old interests back. At least I haven’t lost my interests in writing. I may not post as often as I used to but that is because I have less to report. Most of this is from lack of flare ups and a lack of socializing.
Fortunately socializing doesn’t make me annoyed anymore. Now I have the problem of being scared to socialize. I guess the hostility is being edged out by the old paranoia issues. I am scared to socialize in most instances anymore besides with close friends and family members. I am not as afraid to drive my car anymore. I just don’t want to anymore. Driving just seems kind of pointless anymore. I haven’t really had much reason to laugh much lately. I just don’t make a point to watch comedy shows as much as I should. I just don’t make a point to watch much of anything anymore. Been a few weeks since I watched anything on netflix and I haven’t done an audiobook for almost a month. If it wasn’t for football for the last two weeks I wouldn’t have watched much of anything this winter. And since I need less sleep than I used to, the days and nights seem to stretch out forever. I hope the rest of winter isn’t this long or bleak. I hope it warms up a little soon. I’ve about hit my breaking point with having to stay inside all day because of the snow and cold.
Well, our civilization survived another trip around the mother star. It was an interesting year to say the least, at least news wise. For me, it was kind of a quiet year. Other than one breakdown in the early fall, I have been very stable. After twenty years of working with schizophrenia, some of the things I have to do to keep stable have become routine. I have to be more careful than most people about who I associate with and what conversations I take part in. I have been fortunate to have not had psychotic breakdowns in public. I’m scared that if I ever did, I’d at very least end up in jail. So I find myself isolating for much of the time. It has to be a special occasion before I have guests in my apartment and even then it has to be a small and informal gathering. Otherwise I couldn’t handle it.
It’s been very cold for the last week and a half. I haven’t gone out much during this span. So I have been content to stay home, watch some football, play some computer games, etc. I have no plans for New Year’s Eve as it’s going to be too cold to go anywhere. I am starting to get a little tired of always staying home because of the weather. But it’s supposed to warm up some by the end of this week.
One problem I have faced the last several days is a lack of enthusiasm for much of anything. It’s not that I am bored, it’s that I really don’t want to do much of anything. I also now have the problem of not needing much sleep. I’ve needed only five to six hours of sleep a day for the last two weeks. I usually sleep from one a.m. to seven a.m. anymore. But I have been stable enough for the last several months I’ve had some of my medications’ doses reduced. Maybe that is why I don’t need as much sleep. But I still can’t explain my lack of enthusiasm or lack of engagement. I’m feeling unenthusiastic enough that I’m not doing a science and tech year in review post this year. Besides, it isn’t like I got much of a response from those posts anyway.
I’m ending 2017 alone in my apartment simply because of the weather. I just don’t want to go anywhere when it’s this cold. It’s a good day to stay home and stay under the blankets with a cup of hot coffee.
Have had my days and nights backwards for the last couple weeks. Been getting most of my sleep in the mornings and staying up most of the night. Yet, it doesn’t seem to be negatively effecting my mental stability. If anything this has been the most stable summer I’ve had in years. Granted this sleeping during the days while being up most of the night is putting a cramp on my social life. But I didn’t have much of a social life to start with. So I spend much of my nights listening to audiobooks on youtube. I listen to mostly non fiction science books and some science fiction. I still don’t watch much tv. I’m not even really that excited about football season this year. But I am looking forward to cooler weather. I am glad I have made it through most of the summer with no real problems.
Perhaps I am having fewer problems because I socialize less than I have in previous months and years. I leave my apartment only to run errands and even then I make it a point to run them in the early mornings or late nights to avoid crowds. I have made a point of avoiding angry, irritable, and rude people in person and online. Of course this does limit how many people I hear from or talk to. I really don’t talk to many people anymore, mainly my family and a few friends. Sure it gets kind of lonely but fortunately the loneliness doesn’t last long. I’m glad I don’t have to rely on other people to keep me entertained. Sometimes I am my own best company.
In spite not socializing much I am still optimistic overall. I haven’t been outside of my hometown much this summer. But anymore with the internet, I can still keep in contact with friends and family. And I can keep myself occupied with free audiobooks, free online courses, and free music online. I would have had to spent thousands of dollars for the things I have read or listened to online just fifteen years ago. And I can get all this for a dollar a day in internet service fees. And I love it. I wouldn’t trade living here and now (unless I could be wisked a couple hundred years into the future and be exploring strange new worlds like Star Trek). And I have some of my family members and a few of my friends to be the same way. My best friend from high school (whom I’m still great friends with) loves speculating on future science and social trends when she’s not discussing Game of Thrones. But I guess she gets tired of me talking about baseball and computer games, so that makes us even. My thirteen year old nephew is going to be working with robotics and 3D printers this year in his junior high. And to think I was impressed with the old Apple II GS when I was growing up. I often joke with my niece and nephews that they might not need drivers’ licenses. Now it’s looking like even I might not need a drivers’ license in ten years. Wouldn’t hurt my feelings that much. Sure we don’t have flying cars like Back To The Future said we would, but even that movie didn’t predict the Internet boom, smart phones, or renewable energy starting to become affordable. I wouldn’t even have cable tv except it comes with my apartment.
What I’m getting at is that right now in 2017, despite the bad news we’re constantly hearing on the news channels and our online news feeds, we’re still living in some pretty cool times. It is, in many ways, a good time to be an average person. Sure I may not be able to ever afford a house like my parents or brother. But I don’t need a large house in an affluent suburb with the picket fence and two car garage. I can currently live quite well just in the apartment in the small college town I’m in. I currently don’t need much to live a decent standard of living that even the kings and industrialists of 1900 couldn’t have imagined. It is not, however, a good time to be a control freak or spiteful hate monger. We’re always probably going to have problems like these but, unlike in past eras, the overwhelming general consensus is that being a dictator or hateful person are bad things. For most of civilization’s history, the idea of the ‘divine right of royalty’ or having hatred of people different from your own little group was pretty much unquestioned by the vast majority of people. We have made progress as a species. And we will continue to make progress even if people take it for granted or don’t pay attention to it. The only reason that we don’t hear about the good going on is simply because good news doesn’t sell. Good news doesn’t sell only because we as a species are not wired to pay much attention to good news.
I’ve spent almost twenty years dealing with mental illness problems. Even though I have now spent more than half my life dealing with these problems, I am still pretty happy and content with how my life turned out. Sure I would be better off losing some weight or having more friends in my hometown, but overall I’m enjoying my life even though I have to deal with schizophrenia. At least I enjoy it the 99 percent of the time that I’m not having problems with hallucinations, delusions, and excessive anxiety. I think the older I have gotten, the more I have learned how to work around the illness. I do have to avoid stressful people and situations. I have to do most of my shopping either online or in early morning hours to avoid crowds. I won’t have the high paying and prestigious career like my brother has. I will never have a wife and kids or the big house in a good suburb. But as I have aged and seen in my own self and others with mental illness, I could be a lot worse. If I was born in 1920 instead of 1980, I probably would have been living permanently in a mental hospital or homeless. That is why I am thankful that medications and social safety nets exist that didn’t exist even fifty years ago. Some of the medications I’m on didn’t exist even ten years ago.
Even though I don’t have a lot of nearby friends and don’t make much money, I’m still pretty happy overall. I have been able to pursue what makes me happy and content despite being on disability insurance and living in low income housing. Happiness for me is talking with friends over the phone, or participating in the futurist groups I’m part of on Facebook, or just grilling cheap steaks and watching college football on chilly fall afternoons. I am fortunate that I have simple tastes. Even though both my parents were medical professionals and made good money, they didn’t spoil my brother and I. We were expected to either have after school and summer jobs or be involved in school activities year round. I wasn’t uncommon for me to play a football game on Friday nights and spend my Saturday afternoons working as a shelf stocker at a general store when I was in high school. During the summers, my brother usually reported to work at a fast food place every morning by 4 am to provide spending money so he could get his engineering degree. I didn’t understand why my parents expected so much out of us when we were growing, but now I do. And I’m glad for it. I wouldn’t have had it any other way. If I were able to raise children, I would be the same way.
If anything, I am thankful for what I have even if it isn’t what it could have been. I’m glad that I can write about my experiences. I write for those who can’t speak for themselves and to let others with mental illness know that they are not alone and things can get better. It takes a lot of work and a lot of time but things can become quite stable even with a mental illness.
I’m spending yet another weekend at home alone. As far as I’m concerned, the weekends are the loneliness times for me. When I was in college, the campus garage bands would put on concerts I’d go to every weekend. A couple of those bands were pretty good. Too bad youtube didn’t exist in those days. They might have been discovered, like Justin Bieber. When I moved to my current town, I would spend time with my cousin and her friends. Sometimes we’d go to concerts. Sometimes we’d have cookouts. Sometimes we’d just chat or watch rented movies. But after my cousin moved away, the group started to fall apart. Eventually all of my local friends got married and moved away.
After that happened, I made a few elderly friends in my apartment complex. I had good conversations with them. They gave me a reason to leave my apartment several times a day. Once they died, I was down to having no friends I could just have a cup of coffee with. It didn’t help that many of the new people moving into my complex were kind of mean and temperamental people.
Once this started to happen, I just isolated. And I started my current computer game addiction. It helps pass the time and is kind of a brain builder, but it has done a toll on my social life. I just can’t socialize with negative and rude people everyday. That’s why I will never work in retail again. And weekends are the worst because I used to do a great deal with friends on weekends. When I wasn’t going to garage concerts on the weekends in college, I’d be having marathon trivia game sessions with my friends. Those were fun times. Too bad they didn’t last. It has been a lonely stretch the last few years. But the weekends are the worst.