Today is Christmas Eve. Probably won’t be doing much of anything for the holiday as both of my elderly parents have covid. I’m surprised that I haven’t caught it, at least yet. I’ve been avoiding them as much as possible. Covid while mentally ill and with heart issues could be a bad mix.

Holidays have been bittersweet for me in recent years. I miss the family gatherings from many years ago. But I am afraid of going to family functions anymore. Most of my family are deeply involved with politics and current events and don’t share my concerns about much of anything. Some of my family don’t even have sympathy for disabled people or believe that mental illness even exists. It’s why I haven’t voluntarily been to a family dinner since 2017.

I’ve found that as I age, my paranoia about people has gotten only worse. Naturally, my friends don’t understand. My best friend was hostile about it when I opened up to her about it just yesterday. But then, she has her own problems and is frequently pissed off anyway. That’s an entire series of stories by itself.

I do miss the family gatherings when things were more calm. I miss eating sugar cookies. I miss watching the kids play with their new gifts. I miss venturing out and looking at Christmas decorations. I miss people in general being more hopeful and helpful during the holiday seasons.

A lot has changed for me in 2023. I graduated from physical therapy for my heart issues. Moved out of rural Nebraska and into my parents’ guest wing in suburban Oklahoma City. Adjusted to new doctors and treatments. I still need the wheelchair whenever I leave the house.

I’ve also gotten to witness my parents as elderly people. It’s tough watching my parents sometimes be forgetful, have a hard time hearing, not having much of a social life outside of church. And now both of my parents have covid.

For myself, I’ve had to come to the acceptance that I might never regain my full mobility. This is easier for me to accept than it is for my friends. I’ve also come to accept that I have deep agoraphobia and almost never want to go anywhere. Complete change from my twenties and thirties.

My oldest friendship is all but dead at this point. She blames her dark moods, lack of energy, bad health, and general cynicism on menopause. But I think it’s deeper than that. When I suggested she seek professional help, she came unglued enough I thought the friendship was over. Another close friend of mine is going to spend the next few years in prison. I won’t talk about it so don’t ask.

In the last several years, I’ve lost contact with probably 80 percent of my extended family due to politics and current events. Two of my old college friends have died. My last grandparent died in 2015. Three of my best friends in my old apartment complex back in Kearney, Nebraska have died. I came close to getting evicted from my apartment due to my health issues. Don’t ask, I refuse to talk about that either.

As far as my own health issues go, I survived two near fatal bouts of heart failure. Also lost over 170 pounds. Been able to avoid going to a mental hospital for 10 years now. I can now walk without knee or back pain. Granted it took a daily healthy dose of supplements like Glucosamine, Turmeric, and Hemp Oil for those pains to finally clear up after four years. Still working on getting my heart back into healthy condition.

After surviving a near death experience, recovering from heart failure, being healthy enough mentally to not have to change my psych regiment for several years, I feel pretty decent physically and mentally. Not where I want to end up yet, but I think I am on the right track.

One of my happiest achievements of2023 is finding Medium.com. I treat it kind of like social media for writers. I love the fact that I can do what I love, writing essays and stories, and actually make a few bucks off it. Been on only since early September and have already turned a profit. And I don’t even deal with that many trolls. Heck of a lot better deal than most social media. Screw you Facebook and twitter (I refuse to call it ‘X’).

Different Ways of Learning

I confess I have different ways of learning and processing information than most people. And that has gotten me in much trouble over the years, especially while at a workplace. I never could read people’s body language well enough to be good at socializing. I can’t tell what they think just by watching them.

However, I can read through the lines of what they write. I have always been a much better reading learner than a hands-on learner. The reason I never became as good with my hands as I am with my mind is that I couldn’t see diagrams or what I was doing. And I never got enough repetition in to get good.

Such a Troublesome Child

It always frustrated my teachers, bosses, and even family that it took more repetition for me to learn something than most people. But once I learned the skill, I remember it for life. I think I was given up on by teachers and employers too early in some cases because it takes me longer to learn through doing than most people. But once I learned something through doing, I have never forgotten it.

Even though I am pretty intelligent in some ways, I never did get the top grades in school or most of the accolades at work. Did well enough that I gave my teachers and bosses that false hope I could be a superstar student or employee.

Not Fitting the Normal

Yet, because of my mental make up being so much different than the norm, I couldn’t develop my skills fast enough for my employers and teachers to really see my potential. Never could read a teacher well enough to know what was on a test. Had to study the entire subject. It will make you well grounded in a subject, like biology or history, but it is not conducive to getting good scores on tests.

Likewise at work, I couldn’t read my bosses, coworkers, or customers very well. Certainly, couldn’t the first time I met them or even the first few. Like I said, it takes me more repetition to learn things than many people. Yet, once that knowledge is learned, it is learned for life.

Learning Comes Through Many Reptations of The Basics

Still remember many of the plays we used in football games and practice simply because our coaches believed heavily in repetition and details. I loved that kind of take on sport. Didn’t want to be fancy or eye catching, just wanted to win.

Yet because I couldn’t learn the way my bosses and clients preferred; I didn’t make a very good employee. For years I was convinced I was defective and was damaged goods. I believed it so much it’s why I went on disability insurance in spite having a college degree and good intelligence test scores.

Right Tools, Wrong Applications

I may have the natural brain power many employers are looking for. Yet, the way my mind works and learns is not what gets a person ahead at a job, most of which are service sector jobs. Attention to details and thoroughly learning your field was the way to go for a renaissance era craftsman or a high-end scholar.

Good luck finding those jobs today. I have ability, talent, and intelligence. Have a gift for learning new things. I remember those new things my entire life. In many ways I am far smarter now than I was when I graduated college in 2004.

Many Trials and Many Errors Lead to Knowledge

I became smarter because I found out through trial and much error how I effectively learned. I learn by reading and by doing many times, not by listening to a lecture or two and doing a few trial runs. It does take me longer to learn the basics than most people. But I remember the basics far longer. And I can build upon those basics to even incorporating some of my own takes on work tasks and ideas.

Sure, it is an odd way to learn. It is also one most teachers and employers especially don’t like. I lost more jobs than most people have had in a fifty-year career simply because my learning style didn’t fit modern corporate or service sector styles.

A Mind is a Terrible Thing to Waste

Have to wonder how many millions of people just in our day and age that live lives of quiet desperation and poverty yet would be model employees, crafts people, or business managers but never get the chance mainly because they learn things in different ways.

Met a handful of people in my life that were on the Autism spectrum. Some of them were extremely intelligent. Yet most of them struggled socially and especially at work. This was primarily because the learning styles and communication didn’t match up with the culture around them.

I think that things we classify as mental illness like schizophrenia, bipolar, autism, etc., have always been with our species. It just wasn’t as much of a disadvantage in a less structured Stone Age.

Tribute to the Square Pegs being forced into Round Holes

I imagine the first medicine men, shamans, astronomers, and priests were men and women who would be considered mentally ill by modern standards. But they had a different way of learning and looking at the world than most other people. And it helped to eventually launch civilizations.

It’s the eccentrics, the odd fellows, and odd ladies who took our species from only a few thousand wanderers to the billions who are making plans of colonizing other planets. Providing we don’t screw up this transition, who knows what the human species will be capable of given thousands of years.

Because of the oddballs who, while scorned and condemned among their contemporaries, led the way forward out of the Ice Age caves to now standing at the entry way to the cosmos.

My Personal Odd Fellow Journey

Been a long and strange journey. It’s one I hope is only entering a new phase rather than reaching its climax and decline. The choice is up to us who are currently alive and how much we chose to nurture those who don’t think like the norm.

I will never be one of these innovators who profoundly changes the world. I am content to be among those who appreciate the eccentrics and encourage them onward. The road to the stars is fraught with great difficulties. Because of the odd ones, I believe we are up to this task.

Feels good to get back to my old routines after a few days of disruptions. The new floors in my house are working well. Much easier to keep clean than carpet. I’m settling in back into my wing of the house nicely. Getting ready for the final stretch before Christmas.  

I have a cold. Can’t breathe through my nose and have sneezing fits. Not much I can do except keep up the fluids, take vitamin C pills, and let it run its course. It’s a pity to get sick right before Christmas.

Sleeping in my recliner most nights. I no longer have back or knee pain. Haven’t had problems with either in over three weeks. I do walk around some everyday in the process of rebuilding my heart strength. Started lifting arm weights again. Adapting to my new winter routines nice.

I managed to stay stable during the disruption to my routines over the last few days. I slept most of the time the workers were at my house installing the new flooring. Just put in some ear plugs and closed my eyes. I didn’t even realize I was asleep most of the day they were here.

New Year, New Me (and new floors in my house)

The last few days have been hectic in my home. We took out all the carpets in favor of laminate flooring. That project was finished just this afternoon.

While it has been a disruption to my routines for the last few days, I’m glad it’s finally done. I’m willing to endure a few days of annoyance and inconvenience in order to solve a problem for the next twenty years. I’m hoping that without carpet trapping so much dirt, my allergies will subside.

I’ve noticed the acoustics in the house are better already. The sounds of footsteps are nowhere near as muffled. But the carpet was over twenty years old and showing signs of wear and tear. Glad we got it done before Christmas.

The floors are new, and just in time for the New Year. New Year’s has always been one of my favorite holidays. Used to go to New Year’s Eve dances all the time with my friends when I was in high school. Went to the local dive bars that had live music most years when I still lived in Kearney, Nebraska. Kearney was a college town, so there were always concerts going on at the local clubs.

Overall, I’ve lost 170 pounds since the start of 2020. I eventually want to get back to my old high school weight. Started lifting arm weights again. I can get anywhere in my house now without a wheelchair. I’m now rebuilding my endurance and heart strength. It will take at least another couple years. I’m not where I want to be yet, but I am on the right track.

Sleep

Staying up late most nights the last several weeks. Get my best sleep in the late mornings. I sleep half of the time in my recliner and the other half in my bed. Seems to be easier on my back that way.

Pain

My joint pain is completely gone. Has been for a couple weeks now. My routine for joint pain involves Tylenol, Turmeric, Glucosamine Chondroitin, and Hemp Oil. My pains are in check enough that I am now working on strengthen my heart again. When I was in long term care this time a year ago, I was doing physical rehab three times a week at minimum. Sure, the knees hurt some, but once I convinced my doctor to put me on regular Tylenol every day, the pain cleared up enough for me to get through the rehab.

Physical Health

I always enjoyed lifting weights, so I often went into the rehab room to lift on days I wasn’t scheduled for rehab. I even lifted on weekends as the rehab staff was kind enough to leave one part of the rehab room unlocked on the weekends and holidays for those who were really dedicated to getting better. We even had a couple 90-year-old residents who were retired farmers in my facility who did rehab just to keep moving.

Blood Pressure

My blood pressure is still good. I check myself once a week. Still retaining water, mostly in my groin area. But with some extra water pills, the swelling has gone down considerably in the last few days. The water retention is due to congestive heart failure. Once I had water retention bad enough, I was able to lose like 30 pounds just off water loss in only two weeks. Wasn’t enjoyable having to urinate many times a day, but the mobility drastically improved at the end of those two weeks.

 Housing Situation

Still on the waiting list for Oklahoma City Housing Authority for once a handicap accessible apartment becomes available. It’s best for me and my family I do move out on my own once a place becomes available.

Interpersonal Relations

My parents and I are definitely set on our ways and have different priorities and schedules. In many ways I’m the opposite of most of my family. We still support each other. They have owned up to past mistakes and are making amends. Life’s too short to be holding grudges forever. I’ve made my peace with my past.

It’s been almost two weeks since I had any pain while walking or standing. I don’t need a wheelchair or a walker to get anywhere in the house anymore. I still like to keep my hands free as much as possible in case I have to brace on a wall or sturdy piece of furniture. I don’t even have back pain after lying in bed for five hours. I’m now onto strengthen my heart. I can get in and out of cars easily. I need the wheelchair only if I have to go long distances in public. I still breathe kind of hard after standing for a few minutes. Even that is getting easier. I still get short of breath, but the recovery times are improving every few days.

Still working on getting rid of the excess water retention. Been taking an over-the-counter diuretic for a few days. The problem is mostly solved now. Should be completely cleared within a few more days. It’s so much easier to move and walk now that I’m not carrying excess water. I’ve also forced myself to limit my fluid intakes for several days.

Finally got over my cold. It had been hanging on since Thanksgiving. I usually get one bad cold every year in late November or early December. I don’t have any doctors’ appointments until after Christmas.

I had forgotten how good it feels to walk without knee or back pain. First time since 2019 I haven’t had to deal with either. Now I’m onto getting my heart healthy again. I think I’m also losing weight again. I usually go more by how my clothes fit and how easily I can accomplish things as opposed to checking numbers on a scale every few days.

I’ve been here in Oklahoma for ten months. The only thing I haven’t accomplished yet is getting my own apartment. I’m on the waiting lists for several places in the OKC metro area. I’ve already been approved for the program; they are just waiting for a handicap accessible apartment to come open. After living with family for ten months after being on my own for over 18 years, I’m ready to move onto the next chapter of my life. My recovery from heart failure has gone better and faster than I thought it would when I started this back in May 2022.

Decreases in Chronic Pains

My knee and back pains are completely gone. Have been for over a week now. I had forgotten what it was like to walk without pain. I’m now in the process of getting my heart stronger. Still have shortness of breath after standing for a few minutes. Can tell my walking distance is getting a little longer with each passing day. Don’t use a walker in my house, but usually still keep at least one of my hands free in case I need to brace on a wall. I don’t need my wheelchair anymore except for when I go out in public and have to travel long distances. 

Getting in and out of cars and vans is easy now. I still haven’t tried the step up into a pickup truck yet. But I really don’t see why it would be much of a problem. My water retention has gone down drastically in the last few days. Have to take some over the counter diuretic but it’s doing the trick. I can walk a lot easier now. 

Sleep Patterns and Mental Health

Most nights I’m up all night except for a couple hours sleep sessions twice a night. Get most of my best sleep in the late mornings now. I’ve found that my sleep patterns change with the seasons. I usually am the most anxious and depressed in the summers. I’m usually my happiest in the spring. Usually write my best material in the fall and winter. So there is a seasonal aspect to my mental health. Even as a student I did better academically in the spring than the autumn.

Haven’t had problems with mental health in several months. It helps that I go out of my way to avoid stressful people and situations. People in general and in person are far more stressful to me than most. Being alone for days at a time doesn’t bother me. Actually, prefer socializing over the phone or online as opposed to in person. I certainly don’t like being out in public with large numbers of people.

Won’t be going to any big Christmas celebrations this year. My parents are hosting one at our house where it will be just the three of us and my brother, his wife, and their four kids. I usually prefer to host guests for holiday gatherings anymore. I still avoid family gatherings. Have for several years now. The last several years of crisis after crisis has taught whom I can and can’t trust. Sadly, I’ve found I can trust complete strangers more than I can some family members I’ve known my entire life. That really sours a lot of things for me.

Thinking About Getting Back Out on My Own

After living in the guest wing of my parents’ house for ten months, I’m so ready to have my own place again. While I probably would be safer here in the suburbs, there is no way I can afford to live here on just a disability pension. I really don’t need the space of an entire house anyway. I could easily get away with a studio apartment if I didn’t have to navigate stairs and could avoid my neighbors all the time.

An ideal place would be exactly what I had back in Nebraska for 16 years but on ground floor and without nosy neighbors. I’m at the point in my life where I’ve come to the conclusion, I’m not going to please most people, so I just avoid them as much as possible. Out of sight, out of mind I suppose. I don’t care if I please anyone. I just don’t want to hear about anymore. Far too many people can’t be pleased no matter what. Being a people pleaser is a fool’s errand.

Diet and Weight Loss

I’m feel like I’ve been losing weight for the last several weeks. Originally lost 170 pounds between January 2020 and February 2023. Gained 20 pounds back in the first three months here in Oklahoma. Changed my diet after that. I gave up bread, most sugars, most carbs, cut back on portion size, stopped snacking between meals, etc.

While I buy my share of the family food, I have found it easier to do portion controls if I have either my mom or dad make my meals instead of myself. While I am perfectly capable of handling myself in the kitchen, even with a wheelchair, I found I eat less if I have someone else handing out the portions. Still order delivery pizza two to three times per month as my only splurge. 

For the most part I keep to myself. I do chat with my parents usually a couple times per day. But I make it a point to not bother them much. I’ve found I do a lot better when I’m not expected to socialize all the time. Don’t watch for tv, so I usually retreat to my office and my writings when my parents want to watch a few westerns or binge watch a few shows on Netflix.

Conclusions

Overall things have been going very well since the end of summer. Once a handicap accessible apartment becomes available, everything I sought to accomplish since I started physical rehab and medical treatments for heart failure back in May 2022 will have been accomplished. I just didn’t think I would be as far along as I am now a year and a half ago.