Mentally I have been very stable all spring. The last nine months I have been here in my facility have been the most stable part of my life since I was diagnosed back in 2000. I don’t feel nearly as much stress as I did living in low income housing or even the two and a half years I lived with family until this facility came open.
After nine months of less stress, I realize the auditory hallucinations are quite rare now. I no longer hear footsteps outside my door that aren’t there. I no longer hear being critical of everything I do. I don’t have bad dreams very often anymore.
I had to come to a long-term care facility to live the least stressful life I have ever had. It doesn’t bother me that a significant amount of my disability pension goes to room and board and round the clock care. I get three hot meals every day, most of the time pretty good meals too. And I still lose weight most months.
I started doing some exercises a few days ago. Namely leg lifts, leg kicks, and things to loosen up my knees, legs, ankles, and hips. I can stand for longer periods of time. I still haven’t tried to walk across the room without assistance. I’m thinking if I keep losing weight I’ll start physical therapy again in a few months.
I did physical therapy for a while in December. But I was getting sent twice a day five days a week. Eventually I got injured and had to give it up. It was an injury to my dominant arm that took three weeks to heal. Probably never should have been doing therapy twice a day five days a week in the first place.
It has been really hot and humid here in OKC. But after a few summers down here I have adapted to the summer heat. At least my arthritis isn’t as bad in summer as it is in winter.
Recently celebrated nine months in my current home here in OKC. A lot has changed for me. Updates are in order.
I am now cured of sleep apnea. Stopped using the CPAP machine in March. In my case my sleep apnea was cured by losing weight and fat. Been sleeping so well without the CPAP machine that I almost forgot what sleeping with it was like.
I’m cured of anemia too. It’s a good feeling to not feel weak and sleepy all the time. I sleep probably only half of what I slept even a year ago. Back to being a night owl and regularly writing. It’s a great feeling.
Even my mental illness isn’t as severe now as it was even one year ago. I still take two anti-psychotic medications, which I have been on since a DNA test revealed they would be good for me back in 2015. On top of that, I take only half of the dose I was with one of my medications that I was eight months ago. I haven’t even taken anxiety medications in over a year.
Much of my arthritis pain is gone, especially in my hands and feet. I still have some in my knees. But that will probably get better as I continue to lose weight.
Even my bladder isn’t as weak as it was a few years ago. I forgot how good it feels to hold in taking a pee simply because I can. Sure, my bladder isn’t as strong as it was in my late twenties when I went on road trips with my friends and we stop only for gas and food. At least I can hold in a piss for a longer time than I could a year ago.
Most of the water retention is gone. I can easily wear tight shorts and sweatpants again. As much as I appreciate a good pair of shorts or pants, I can totally understand why the Greeks and Romans liked togas with as much as I’ve worn hospital gowns while my swelling was going down.
I don’t need as much sleep anymore. I sleep like three hours in the night and then three hours in the morning after breakfast. It’s kind of odd to have more free time than I had the last few years because I’m not spending ten to fourteen hours a day sleeping. It’s a great feeling though.
I still don’t socialize much with other patients. I do socialize with the nurses’ aides, nurses, etc. several times a day. So, I’m not totally anti-social.
I usually get weighed the first week of every month. I’m due to be weighed again in a few days. If my body is any indication, I have lost weight in the last 30 days. I’ve lost weight most months I’ve been here in OKC. And I still eat three hot, home cooked meals every day. Heck, because I now eat three home cooked meals every day is probably why I’m losing weight most months.
I haven’t had any real crisis in several months. Sure, I have had annoyances. Most of those clear up within a few days or with a conversation or two with someone else. Even my mail getting lost for a few days isn’t a crisis anymore. Annoyance? Yes. Crisis? No.
I do love being in my forties. The gray hairs and the receding hair line don’t bother me any. Stuff that used to set me off even ten years ago I can laugh at now. I guess it helps that I had most of my crisis in my twenties and early thirties. Being 45 is a heck of a lot more fun than being 35.
I have gotten more respect since turning 40 years old than I did at any previous point in my life. Being a middle-aged man is far better than I could have ever imagined when I first went on disability pension.
One of the keys to living with a mental illness or disability is one has to keep busy. It’s important to keep moving as much as possible, even if it’s only a short walk, daily stretching, or chores around the apartment. Physical activity doesn’t necessarily have break a serious sweat or cause muscle pain. Enough to get the blood flowing a little faster and make one breathe deeper, even for only a few minutes at a time, can add up if done every day.
Mental stimulation is just as important as physical activity. To this end, I read traditional books, read online articles about science advances and economics, listen to audio files on YouTube. It helps that I went ahead and subscribed to YouTube premium as I got tired of all the ads every few minutes. Before I signed up for YouTube premium, I even had to sit through an ad while listening to an audio file of the Bible. Nothing says redemption quite like listening to ads for Chipotle or Toyota.
For my mental stimulation, in addition to lots of reading and podcasts every day, I also play building and simulation games on my laptop. I love games like Railroad Tycoon, Civilization, Total War, Stellaris, and Sim City. The closest thing to first person shooters I ever really got into were Skyrim and Cyberpunk 2077. I do play some sports games on my PS to break up the routine. Even then I try to do more simulations and off field management than actual game day play.
To this end, for example NCAA Football 26. I experiment sometimes with different recruiting, play calling, and scheduling styles. I like to sometimes create a new coach, start him at a small school, let him build the small school into a winning program, and then see if I can get jobs at larger universities. Once I started at Wyoming, plugged the option offense and an aggressive 3-4 defense in and was able to win conference within three years. I tend took a job at Arkansas and won back-to-back national titles within 5 years running the same option offense, aggressive defense, and focusing my recruiting efforts primarily in Texas. One of these days I’m going to start a career at somewhere I don’t normally take, like Notre Dame or Ohio State and run a 40-year dynasty at those places. I’ve already done multiple scenarios like that in previous versions of NCAA Football.
One of my favorite missions in Railroad Tycoon is to replay the building of The Orient Express in the 19th century. The Orient Express ran from Paris to Istanbul in real life and was considered a luxurious and exotic route, going through so many nations and cultures.
Those are some of my day to day routines in keeping my mind and body busy in my life with mental illness. I may never be well enough to regularly work again (at least not enough to support myself) but I am far from giving up on life.
Memorial Day weekend starts today. Unofficial start of summer here in the US. The schools have let out for the summer here in the city. After several days of cool and rainy weather it’s starting to feel like early summer. And I am loving it.
Traditionally summers have been my toughest time of year. August is typically my worst month for mental health problems. Maybe this year will be different. This is going to be my first summer since 2021 I am effectively living by myself. In summer 2022 I had an awful roommate who was hard of hearing, watched his tv at full volume and always watched reality tv and Doomsday Preppers. He was often sit in his wheelchair in the middle of the room and always refused to move his chair out of the way whenever I had to use the bathroom. He finally got moved in September after he yelled at and kicked a nurse. Wasn’t sorry to see him leave. After he left, I did four months of physical therapy, got far more mentally stable, and lost a bunch of weight.
In February 2023 I got well enough to make the move from rural Nebraska to suburban Oklahoma City. I lived with my parents until something permanent came open. Originally, I was hoping to find something by the end of summer 2023. Turns out I didn’t find anything permanent until summer 2025. Two and a half years of little privacy and watching my parents age and decline messed with my head. It got bad enough that for several months I left my room only to use the bathroom, clean up, and make my own dinner. It was just too painful watching my parents decline. That, and the house wasn’t wheelchair accessible. Even the front door and sidewalk was too narrow for my wheelchair. In some ways, it wasn’t much better than being in jail.
Eventually the hard times ended. My hard times ended when I moved to a facility in the downtown area. I moved here on Labor Day weekend in 2025. I have been doing well and making improvements in the last nine months I have lived here.
Medication wise, I’m down to only one blood pressure medication per day. I take only two psych meds a day instead of the three I was on when I first moved here. And one of the two medications I am currently on is only half the dose I was a taking when I first moved here. Most of my arthritis is gone as long as I take Tylenol and ibophrophen once a day.
I’m on good enough terms with the aides and nurses now that they don’t bother me much and generally leave me alone unless I really need help. I can stand up but still can’t walk from the bed to the front door. I have lost over 100 pounds in the last eight months and lost over 170 pounds since March 2020. I have a new goal of eventually being below 200 pounds. Probably take another few years. But I have developed better habits, have a stable living arrangement for the first time since late 2021, and am not worried about irritable neighbors trying to get me evicted. I thrive in circumstances where I have enough money to eat healthy meals and am not worried about getting kicked out of my home on a landlord’s whim and neighbors’ lies. The cost of rent has gotten inhumane in most places in the US in the last several years.
In other news, my blog is starting to get some real attention. I think it helps that I have been writing an average of once or twice a week for the past 14 years. A few dollars a day worth of advertising really helps. No different than any business. No one is going to visit if they don’t know I’m out here.
I haven’t done this well for this long ever. It’s cool to finally have some privacy and autonomy that people actually respect. I enjoy living where people aren’t going to go through my personal things or look over my shoulder when I’m writing, reading, or doing computer simulation games.
It’s good to have neighbors who aren’t always spying on me or whispering behind my back whenever I run errands. I never had that until I moved to my current home. It’s good that it’s actually quiet here at night most nights. I don’t have to listen to neighbors blasting their tv or arguing with each other most nights.
It’s nice to live in a complex where the cops aren’t showing up every day to break up domestic disputes or investigate thefts or assaults. Goodness knows I never had that in 16 years of living in low-income housing even in a small town. The last three to four years were the worst. The pandemic made it unbearable to even leave my apartment. Thankful I’m no longer in that toxic hellhole mess. Only time I had privacy as a kid was when I went to the backyard. And sometimes the neighborhood kids would watch me as I paced and made up stories. It was like, ‘God, why can’t these people get a life.’
Thankfully my life is no longer like that. I am never voluntarily going back to that kind of life. I don’t care if I am loved by my neighbor. I just want him to leave me the hell alone. At least I get that here in the city. And I love it. My goodness I love it. First in my life I can truly be free to be myself without blowback and repercussions. Where was this the first 45 years of my life? Now I would love to make it another 45 years if I can live the way I currently go.
Starting to feel like summer here in Oklahoma City. Hot weather and most of the schools will be out for summer break by the end of the week. And the Thunder have gone deep into the NBA playoffs again. Lost a heart breaker in overtime here in OKC last night. Don’t have any time to lick our wounds as we got to play again in a couple days.
Mentally I haven’t felt this stable for this long since before I was diagnosed with schizophrenia way back in the year 2000. Been almost 26 years with a diagnosis. I don’t know if the symptoms have gotten less severe with age or if I am better with working around them at age 45 than I was even at 35. Either way I haven’t felt this good or hopeful since I was a kid. Not the norm for most people, let alone the mentally ill.
As far as psych medication is concerned, I’m taking only two psych meds per day. And one of those I need only half of the dose I was taking twelve months ago. I’m not on anything for anxiety. And I’ve been on the same two medications long enough that both are now in generic versions. Since the US doesn’t have Universal Healthcare, that means my meds are quite a bit cheaper now than they would have been even a couple of years ago but still quite pricey compared to most of the developed world.
Will the US ever have Universal Healthcare? I would say probably not until mass unemployment due to AI and Robotic Laborers became prominent and a significant percentage of the labor pool is left unemployed. Many people in my country are paranoid of governments enough that they simply don’t trust the federal or state government with handling healthcare. Many of my countrymen feel it sounds too much like government overreach. I do still think that the future can be really cool and prosperous. It has been brutal and probably will continue to be brutal to manage and navigate the transitions.
Many people here in the US have never really trusted government or any authority figures for that matter. Makes for a low trust society without much for social support outside of traditional places like family, community, and houses of worship for those who fall on hard times. And, of course, all three (family, community, and religious institutions) have weaker influence now than in previous eras in most places, not just in the US.
The US, along with Mexico and Canada, is playing host to the World Cup tournament starting in mid-June. Even though I don’t have a favorite professional team, I am excited to see the US host a good portion of the World Cup. Football (as the 96 percent of people who don’t live in the US understand it) isn’t as popular in the US as it is in most places. I’m not even sure what country is favored to win it this year.
Argentia won it in 2022, and France won it in 2018. That I remember and have written about in old blog entries. I know that Dallas, Houston, and Kansas City are hosting the matches that are within driving distance of Oklahoma. I’m interested in the cultural type activities that take place in host cities during the tournament.
It is difficult that many of my countrymen have become distrusting of foreigners and immigrants in recent years. Many forget that at one time their ancestors were the immigrants. I doubt my German ancestors knew much English when they first arrived. At one time people were accusing the Irish of taking most of the entry level jobs. I guess some things, other than the names and locations, never change.
I’m going to watch as many World Cup games as I can find even if the US doesn’t do well. I’m thinking about seeing in Amazon Prime has a setup where I can get all of the games the tv networks don’t cover. I had heard that negotiations for tv contracts were going rough with some countries, particularly China. I hope they get that settled before the games start. I don’t think many of my countrymen don’t realize just how big the World Cup really is. I guess that we are too isolated here in the US on many things.
I’m excited for the summer of 2026.I have finally adapted to hotter summers and less cold in winter. I’m enjoying Thunder basketball making another run for NBA champions and especially the World Cup tournament. It will be an eventful summer.
I’m doing well after eight months in my new home. First time since the pandemic that my living situation has stabilized. I’m now down to only one blood pressure medication per day. My water retention swelling is gone.
I’ve lost over 100 pounds in the last eight months. I’ve gotten much closer to my brother and his family since moving to Oklahoma in 2023. I probably would have moved a few years sooner if not for the pandemic.
Reading a lot of audiobooks again. I started on The Old Testament of the King James Bible around last Christmas. I’m halfway through. I’m listening to lots of history and economics books too. Recently finished one about the Oil Shortages of the 1970s. Currently working on post-Soviet Union Russia in the 1990s.
Been following sports a lot since last Christmas. Became an Oklahoma City Thunder fan when I moved to Oklahoma in 2023. It’s fun watching them making another deep push in the playoffs.
I became a Colorado Avalanche fan in 1995 after Denver got that team. Looks like they too could make a deep run in the Stanley Cup. The Rockies are not horrible this year in baseball.
Nebraska Husker men’s basketball had its best season ever this year making the third round of the NCAA tournament. And it’s looking like Nebraska football could potentially have a better team this autumn.
I have made lots of friends with the staff members here at my complex. I avoid most of the other residents. Some are too negative. Some are not with it enough to hold a real conversation. I do well here, in part, because I have no roommates. I love not having a roomie. My freshman year in college roommate was a character. After that I decided I would never voluntarily share a sleeping quarters with anyone again.
My arthritis is mostly gone after a few months of Tylenol twice a day. My goodness it was an ordeal convincing the doctor to get me on it the first four months I was here. It was like they couldn’t realize just how bad my arthritis was.
I see my family twice a month. My brother calls me once a week or so. I hear from my best friend from college usually once a week. We talk more often now that baseball season is going. We’re both huge Colorado Rockies fans. We went to one of their World Series games back in 2007. Took several months to pay off that weekend. But it was worth every last penny.
Even though I no longer actively invest, I still pay attention to the stock market and the world of investing. I see that SpaceX and Starlink will probably go public by the end of summer. I have the same feelings about those companies that I had about Facebook in 2009 and Nvidia back in 2021. Pity social security’s rules only allow a small amount in savings to still qualify for Medicaid. Such is I suppose.
I think one of the reasons I’m losing weight faster than expected is due to not eating fast food or sugar very often. Mom and Dad usually bring some Chic fil A when they come to visit a couple times a month. Ordered delivery pizza only a few times since I moved here in August 2025.
My two nephews are done with college for the summer. One is going to work for an engineering firm here in the metro. The other is looking for something in a hospital as he eventually wants to become a physician’s assistant.
My parents are enjoying the retired life. They see their grandkids often. They are quite active in their church. Dad usually has some DIY or hobby projects, like ham radio or model trains, going. Mom is busy with her gardening.
So far 2026 has been better than most years the last seven or eight years. It feels good that my living arrangements are finally settled.
Yesterday was Mother’s Day here in the US. Had a good, long chat with my mom. She’s enjoying retirement and getting to be grandma to my brother’s kids. I don’t talk to her as often as I used to, but our conversations are still good.
Here in Oklahoma, the Thunder are the talk of the entire state. I started following them after moving here in early 2023. It’s fun to have a strong team to follow again. Reminds me of following Nebraska Husker football when I was a teenager back in the 90s.
Lost 20 pounds since April 1. Been eating mostly protein lately, namely eggs and pork for breakfast. Even though a good portion of my freedom is gone, it’s good to have three hot meals a day, easy access to healthcare, and more stability than I have had at any point in my life.
I am now cured of sleep apnea and anemia. First time in several years I haven’t had either one. I am also down to only one blood pressure medication per day. I’m doing well enough mentally that I take only two psychiatric medications per night.
Most of my arthritis has cleared up. I still take Tylenol twice a day, but I think the weight loss has taken some of the stress off my joints. I still have backbone pain from a football injury in high school.
I have found that dealing with mental illness, at least for me, has gotten easier now that I don’t deal with the public anymore. Most of the people I deal with I know pretty well. Overall things are going much better than I could have imagined when I first moved to Oklahoma three years ago.
Updates are due. Another season is starting. Health Updates are in order.
Weight Update
Even though the scale says I haven’t lost or gained weight in the last two months, all of the nurses, doctors, and even my family say I look like I am losing fat. Most of my gut is gone. My facial features have gotten sharper and better defined. My arms are almost skinny. My calves are no longer swollen. The swelling in my crotch is down enough to wear pants again easily.
Endurance
I can stand up regularly. Pivoting is still a chore. I sit up on the side of my bed several times a day because, well, I can now. Putting my bare feet on a cool tile floor feels good.
Blood Pressure Update
My blood pressure is under control enough now that I am now prescribed only one blood pressure medication on an “as needed” basis. I still have my blood pressure checked every morning. But half of the days I don’t need blood pressure medication anymore.
Mental Health Update
Mentally I am fairly stable. One of the doses of my psychiatric meds was cut shortly after I moved here six months ago. Over the course of six months, that original dose has been cut in half. I’m feeling better most days now than I did when I was on the full dose and living with my parents. I take only psych medications now. Nothing for anxiety or sleep. Considering how serious a diagnosis schizophrenia is, taking only two medications and having more good days than bad is pretty phenomenal.
Quality of Life Update
As far as help from the nurses’ aides, I need that only a few times a day now. I still take my meals in my apartment. What is the point of socializing while eating when the residents are either too hard of hearing to understand, too senile to follow a conversation, or always in foul moods. There is no reason for me to put up with irritable people anymore. Been putting up with them for long enough.
My pain is manageable now. I take Tylenol twice a day. My hands no longer hurt anymore; certainly not like they did at Christmas. I was having bad headaches for a couple days last week. They went away as mysteriously as they appeared.
Changes in Physical Appearance and Health
Decided to grow out my hair and beard. Haven’t had a haircut since last July. Trimmed my beard only twice since I moved into my new place. My hair is long enough to cover my ears but not long enough to touch my shoulders. Even with a few gray spots in my beard people tell me I still look at least ten to fifteen years younger than I really am. Some of my family say I look better than I did even ten years ago. Other than the fact I still have pain when I stand up, I feel better than I did back in 2015.
Social Life Health Update
Even though I don’t socialize with residents, I still socialize with the help every day. Made some friends among the aides, the nurses, and volunteers. My complex is in Oklahoma City, so it has an urban feel to it with lots of different people and cultures among the workers and volunteers. One of the items on my “Bucket List” I made in my twenties was to live in an urban area at least once in my life. Another item was to live in the suburbs at least once. I’ve accomplished both in the 37 months I have lived in Oklahoma.
Spring Has Sprung
Feels like spring here in Oklahoma City. I can hear birds singing every morning. We are getting rain again. We had bad thunderstorms in this state a couple days last week. But Oklahoma and bad spring storms go hand in hand.
Updates, March 2026
We are turning the calendar from February to March. It feels like spring a few weeks early. And things are going alright for me. I have lived in my current home for six months now.
Most of my pain is gone. I have been in my current apartment for six months. Made friends with a significant number of staff members. I often avoid other residents because too many of them are in foul moods most of the time or are too sick to do much of anything with. I’m still following a regimented diet but it isn’t so bad. At least three hot meals a day every day is my new normal.
Physical Therapy is on temporary hold
Decided to take a break from physical therapy around Christmas. I was doing it twice a day five days a week and ended up in severe knee, back, and hand pain. For a couple weeks my hand hurt bad enough I couldn’t even use a fork or knife with my dominant hand. So, I had to give up on therapy, at least for the time being.
Neighborhood Drama
There was a dementia patient living across the hall from me for a few weeks. He yelled and screamed continually whenever he was awake. It was keeping me awake most nights. Finally, I filed a complaint with management. After several days of back and forth, the dementia patient was moved to a different facility. After a few stressful and hectic weeks, things are starting to return to normal in my neighborhood.
New Friends Among the Staff
I have three nurse’s aides I’m really close with. One works mostly weekends, is a couple years older than I am, and has a heart of gold. She’s really nice, likes to listen to my stories, and is very good at her job. She always moves swiftly and with a sense of purpose.
A second nurse’s aide usually worked the night shift so she and I would often talk win the middle of the night when all of her work was caught up and I couldn’t sleep. Haven’t seen her for a few weeks. Last I heard she was transferred to another wing in the facility. A third nurse’s aide usually works the afternoon shift and is really nice to me. She was the one who let me know I could actually get Door Dash delivered to my room here in the complex. She’s fluent in Spanish (I took some Spanish classes in high school) so I get to work on bringing my Spanish back up to snuff with her when she’s between assignments.
Like every home or workplace, there are a few people who rub me wrong. I try to avoid them as much as possible. Some arguments aren’t worth the while. But I get along with probably 90 percent of the staff.
New Glasses
Recently got glasses. Had laser eye surgery back in 2007. I went over 18 years without glasses. I use my new glasses mostly for reading. Made a huge difference. Got me interested in reading and writing again.
I’m Reading Books Again
Started reading the Old Testament again, namely the old King James Version. Picking that back up after several years without my nose in books very often.
Finding Permanence After Several Years of Chaos
After several years of my living arraignments being anything but permanent, I have finally found a for life home here in Oklahoma City. Had to live with my parents for almost two and a half years before I got into a wheelchair accessible home. It was a rough two and a half years.
I love my parents and have made my peace with the past, but their house was not handicap accessible. Even the front door and sidewalk wasn’t wide enough for my wheelchair. But I’m in a much better situation now. My parents still come to visit a couple times a month, for which I am thankful for. Got a visit from an aunt and a cousin from Nebraska I hadn’t seen since before the pandemic shortly before Thanksgiving. It was fun catching up with extended family.
Weight Loss Updates
I’m still losing weight. Not exactly sure how much I have lost but I know I lost at least 100 pounds between Labor Day and Christmas. My goal is to eventually get to my old high school weight. I definitely feel a difference both physically and mentally.
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A Life Of Mental Illness 