Haven’t written much because I really haven’t been up to it the last few days. Between seeing the family, my having major maintenance being done on my apartment, dealing with the hot weather, and now entering my traditionally tough time of year, I haven’t been motivated to do much of anything. I’m burned out already and summer has barely started. I’ve been having maintenance come and go out of my apartment for the last few weeks. And to tell you the truth, it’s thrown a monkey wrench in my routines. I’ll be so, so glad once everything is taken care of and I don’t have maintenance and management dropping in on my place at a moment’s notice. I have to be out of my apartment all day Monday. Still have no idea what I’m doing for the whole day. I really don’t want to go to my parents’ place. I don’t want to hang out in the part as it’s supposed to be yet another hot day. I really don’t have any close friends in my complex that I could just spend the day at. All my old friends in my hometown have moved out of state a long time ago. I really have no clue as to what I’m doing all day out of my apartment.
Since I’ve developed a fear of leaving my apartment, this is probably going to be tougher than it would normally be. I’m burned out. I’m tired of always having to jump to other’s schedules at a second’s notice. That’s why I don’t go anywhere for any length of time anymore. If I do I’ll miss some request from family, friends, management, maintenance, etc and then I’m in trouble with said people. I’m paranoid enough as is. I just want to be left alone.
Of course no one wants to hear my problems. My parents were busy with their grandkids the last entire week. I had to fake like I was in a good mood for my birthday bash. My friends won’t return my calls or messages on facebook. I don’t know what is wrong with everyone all at once. And I’m tired of trying to figure people out. After months of dealing with nonsense from pretty much everyone in my life, I’m about to crack. Too bad I couldn’t just break down and sob to express my real emotions. I think I’ve cried only twice in the last twenty years. I didn’t cry at any of the funerals I’ve ever been to. But, then, it’s not manly to have emotions besides anger and lust.
In short, I just want to be left alone for a very long time. I’m tired of dealing with stupid and rude people I can’t please. I don’t need therapy. I don’t need company. I don’t need a medication adjustment. I just need people to leave me alone if they are going to be stupid and rude.
Been kind of depressed and irritable for the last several days. Haven’t been sleeping well either. About the only thing going really well for me is my renewed diet. I am eating less than I normally do and getting more activity. I get my activity in the afternoons even though I’m in the habit of sleeping until noon again.
I also no longer want to socialize. And this time I don’t feel guilty for it. I am tired of people who are in foul and angry moods trying to drag me down into their own mindlessness and petty vendettas. Unfortunately, anymore, if it weren’t for negativity and fighting, there would be few conversations and certainly no social media. I hate how I just can’t have a civilized conversation with even people I partly agree with anymore. And good luck trying to talk to anyone who doesn’t view the world the same way you do. I’m beginning to think that many people have mental health problems just because of the way we treat each other and the stress of modern living. Granted, a person doesn’t have to be chronic like those of us on disability to have problems. I have had a mental illness for almost twenty years now. And only recently are people starting to talk about the effects of stress, anxiety, and chronic mental illnesses. For the first several years of my diagnosis I didn’t talk about my mental health to anybody. And I think I lost several good friendships because my friends didn’t understand that my depression and anger were nothing personal, they were manifestations of the sickness.
For the first several years of my illness I just didn’t talk about it, not even to friends or employers. Back in those days mental illness was shrouded in more mystery and ridicule than even now. I have no idea how many times I was told to ‘suck it up’ or ‘man up’ in those early years. ‘Man up’. Now there is a stupid phrase I can’t figure out. What does it even mean? Is there really only one type of manliness? And why is it the only type of virtues in a man we appreciate are those that involve the John Wayne frontier mentality that violence is the only way to solve all problems? I think this is stupid, very stupid. A mentality like that will make our species extinct. And quite honestly, I enjoy living too much to sit idle while this type of barbarian behavior is honored and encouraged. I would rather not go back to the Stone Age. I hated all the ‘Mad Max’ movies and I definately don’t want to experience them in real life.
Another thing, we don’t females to ‘woman up’ and we don’t tell senior citizens to ‘young down’ nor do we tell terminally ill people to ‘hurry up and die.’ It’s little things that normal people just take for granted that I don’t understand and that I often see the dumbness and hypocracy in. But most people seem pretty cool with dumb things and hypocracy anyway, at least when it comes from sources they like. Unfortunately I never understood this line of thinking. It’s probably why I have problems socializing with the public at large. And of course having a chronic mental illness that people are still ignorant about doesn’t help either.
In closing, as a thought experiment, I was wondering what would happen if someone (or a group of individuals) just went about their daily lives being as rude and condescending to physical people as we are to people in our online interactions. I would love to see some psychiatrist conduct this experiment. I think the results would be either very interesting or very disturbing.
Spent the last couple days out of my hometown while visiting family. It was pleasant to unplug and unwind while enjoying the company of my parents. Didn’t get much done on this trip other than unwind and touch base with family. I was needing at least a couple days of different surroundings. I visited my family at the acreage. It was good to be back around nature and less rush. While I am a self admitted city slicker even though I grew up in a rural area, it was still fun to be outside again for a couple hours at a time without being paranoid of being watched by nosy neighbors.
I sometimes get paranoid around even individual people nearby, especially when I want to be alone. When I was in college, I used to take my trash to a dumpster on the other side of town because I was afraid that people where going through my trash. I used to be afraid that neighbors and even family were listening in on my conversations. But the real paranoia I am working against now is that I fear that I am losing favor with my neighbors and fellow tenants in my complex. I may not be the greatest tenant in my complex, but I still try hard to be friendly with people and just avoid arguments as much as possible. Fortunately in my over ten years at my current address, I have had real arguments with only three tenants that I can think of right off hand. Fortunately those cleared up really quick and the problems were resolved shortly afterwards.
Paranoia is indeed strange. I know in the reasonable part of my mind that my paranoias aren’t real and that I’m essentially worrying over nothing that can’t be easily resolved. But, the irrational part of my mind keeps replaying these paranoid thoughts on an endless loop. Drowning out the paranoid thinking process with positive news that is actually happening helps. Positive thoughts help, especially if they can be shown to be true. That’s why I spend a lot of time researching science advances and medical news. Yet, even then, occasionally the paranoia gets the better of my reasonable side. The problems I had over the last few days, fortunately, tend to get more rare and even less intense than even a few years ago. I was happy that I was able to go through this last round of problems without yelling and acting out. I’ve notice the breakdowns I do have anymore don’t seem to be as intense. I hope I have gotten better with letting off a little at a time rather than holding it in for a major meltdown.
I was more depressed and weary than angry and irritated these last few days. I guess that depression and weariness are becoming stronger than irritation and anger at this stage in my life. I’m glad that it takes more to anger me than in years past. I no longer avoid driving because of fears of going into road rage; I avoid driving now partly because I find it kind of boring and I don’t like being on the lookout for people who just aren’t paying as much attention to the road as they should. It doesn’t make me angry, but it does make me think ‘how bad do I really want to go out tonight when I can still contact friends from home.’ I used to love to travel. But I don’t enjoy the travel as much now. I enjoy the company of friends and family more now.
Currently in the middle of my spring cleaning. It’s not going as fast as I would like it to though. My lower back flares up after being on my feet for awhile so I have to go slower than I used to. I am beginning to fear that lower back pain is something I’ll be fighting for the rest of my life. One of the reasons this is turning into a bigger than usual job is that I wasn’t keeping up on the cleaning and maintenance this winter like I had in years past. I didn’t keep up on it because of the back pain and occasional bouts of depression to where I didn’t want to do anything but read and watch youtube videos. I went through a lot of that last fall and this past winter. I don’t know if it was the weather that had me depressed or if the illness was flaring up in different ways than previously. I did go through bad bouts of paranoia when I would sometimes go two to three days in a row without leaving my apartment. I don’t get the paranoia nearly as bad anymore. I don’t know if the weather turning warmer or just the natural cycles of my schizophrenia is causing these changes.
It’s not that I was lazy about my upkeep just because I was lazy. I have lived on my own more or less for fourteen years and I always made a point to keep my place picked up and better looking than most bachelor pads. I think the mental illness was effecting me more this last fall and winter than I would have cared to admit. Looking back on some of my winter writings I was really paranoid and too often had delusional feelings of persecution that, in reality, were alive only in my stressed and diseased mind. I have to admit as my paranoia can flare up worse than in years past and with my physical health not as robust as it once was, I have to bring in outside help. I am convinced I’ll need to reconfigure my budget and hire a regular cleaning service. Sometimes I’d be depressed about the apartment looking shabby and the apartment looked shabby because I was too depressed and paranoid to do anything about it. I know I can get back on top of my current issues. Living on my own for fourteen years I have proven to myself and others that I can even if it takes me a little longer than many average people. It’s just a matter of doing so.
I know that sometimes in my blog I probably appear over optimistic about having schizophrenia and being an adult in general. Sometimes that is be encouraging to the readers, sometimes I write things I need myself to hear. I imagine I have been overly optimistic when I wasn’t in the grips of paranoia and delusion this winter.
In other news, I think I’m starting to lose weight again. I can tell my clothes are fitting looser and my back pain isn’t as intense. As far as my diet goes, I have cut out pasta, rice, and bread. I eat mostly grilled lean meats and vegetables anymore. And I think I’m starting to see some results. I want to get back on top of everything that slid during my fall and winter bouts of depression, paranoia, delusions, and anxiety. At least I no longer feel anxious when I hear footsteps in the hallway. So that’s a start.
Even though winter is all but over and the weather is warming up, I’m still spending most of my time alone and isolated. Just been more irritable and short tempered lately. Even hearing my neighbors walk down the hallway can irritate me anymore. And since my neighbors are prone to argue among themselves and make lots of noise during the day, I have intentionally been sleeping during the days and staying up until sunrise for most of the last two weeks. Why shouldn’t I? It’s not like I have much of social life anyway. At least I haven’t had much of a social life for the last few years once even social media stopped being fun. I mean, do normal people enjoy being angry and argumentative all the time? It seems to be that way to me. It didn’t use to be this bad. In fact, most people used to be pretty cool about petty disagreements.
I can’t imagine what’s going to happen to my nation and my friends over the next few years. I used to believe that if we made it though these tough times, we’d have a real cool future. But every time I try to be encouraging or bring up something cool science has done recently, I’m met with either stone cold indifference or fear. My countrymen didn’t used to fear change nearly as much as we do now. Hell, we used to force change sometimes out of boredom. When I look at my elders, leaders, and even people my own age in my hometown and my country in general, I find it hard to believe that these peoples’ parents and grandparents landed on the moon, built personal computers, won major world wars, or even had the courage to immigrate to a new land where they knew no one and had only their dreams and work ethic to keep them going in the dark times. Whatever pioneer spirit and love of innovation my people once had is dead. And it’s quite sad. But no one cares anymore, at least not enough to embrace change. I know some really cool things are coming within the next ten to twenty years for the people of this world, at least those who are willing to push through their fears of change and adapt accordingly.
But I look around me in my hometown and my family and friends, and I don’t see any adapting. I see nothing but fear and hate. In some ways I’m glad I’m not well adjusted to my current reality. The only people who seem to be are those who are nostalgic for a past that never really existed in the first place. I no longer see the courage and original thinking that made my nation and it’s people the envy of the world. And I won’t let us slip away without putting up a fight.
Been isolating a lot lately. I sometimes have entire days when I don’t even leave my apartment anymore. I’m just burned out on people in general. Even though I sleep at night I find myself wanting to sleep almost all the time anymore. Seems like the only time I don’t feel anxious or depressed is when I’m asleep. I have gotten to where I am anxious every time I even hear people talking out in my hallway or even when I hear footsteps in my hall. My neighbors had an argument this morning I could hear through my wall. Made me definitely not want to leave my apartment today.
I know that eventually I’ll just have to gather my courage and force myself to leave my apartment just to do laundry and check my mail. But I really have gotten to where I no longer trust anyone it seems. I’m afraid of people more or less. Seems that everyone I meet is in a foul mood all the time. Of course going online to look my friends up doesn’t help any as foul moods and arguments are the rule online anymore. A friend of mine once suggested I start a youtube channel and just do voice over videos. Not a chance. YouTube comment sections are even nastier than twitter or facebook. We have near god like capabilities with our current state of tech yet we act completely uncivilized online. If I acted a fraction that rude in public, I’d expect to get a beating or a jail cell. Though knowing my countrymen’s attitudes about guns, I’d probably get shot rather quickly.
At this point I don’t feel sorry for isolating or having all my groceries delivered to my apartment. I don’t regret that it’s been two months since I had guests in my apartment. I don’t regret rarely leaving my apartment. I don’t regret being lonely. I’d much rather be lonely than made miserable by other miserable people. In some ways I am glad I am an outcast and an outsider on mainstream civilization. I’m burned out on all the fighting and negativity I see every hour of every day. I’m tired of people being ugly and evil to each other all the time. I’ll interact with some people via phone or online chat. The rest of humanity is welcome to keep it’s distance until they come back to their senses and act like civilized people again.
I spent several days at my parents’ place last week. I was needing the peace and quiet and a little encouragement. Unfortunately the encouragement left as soon as I got home. I have been convinced for years that the environment a person lives in and the type of people they are forced to associate with on a day to day business can greatly effect a person’s happiness and overall well being. Most people have thought I was full of it for believing this as the majority of people I know believe you can will yourself out of depression, mental illness, and a bad situation. You can’t will yourself out of mental illness anymore than an amputee can will his leg back. In this day and age of advanced medicine and science, the people that think such things think them mainly because they choose to remain ignorant about science, technology, and illness.
I don’t get encouragement from being around my neighbors. Haven’t for a long time. I certainly don’t find encouragement when I try to contact even close friends and family online anymore. Even family and close friends too often act like barbarians online, and don’t even get me started on random strangers and friends of friends. About the only real intelligent and rational conversation and interactions I have anymore on my tech enthusiasts groups and my parents. And my parents are both advanced in age and not in great health, so they will probably be dying within twenty years. When they go, I’ll lose the vast majority of my social outlets and supports. Tell me again why I want to live to old age?
I’m not sorry for being discouraged and sounding off about it. Why should I? Everybody else feels free to gripe and complain and generally drag anyone within ear shot into the cesspool that is socializing. Even Superman has his kryptonite. And lately I have been exposed to near lethal doses of it. I’m tired from fighting and not seeing any results. I’m tired of trying to encourage people with good news that doesn’t make the press only to be told I am a liar and that I’m a peddler of fake news. I’m tired of always having to keep my head down in the dirt when we as a species were meant to reach for the stars. Normal people are discouraging, you really are.
Even though I have been feeling quite stable overall, I have very little desire to leave my apartment complex except when necessary. I am still a little paranoid about people I meet in public. And I am somewhat that way about people within my own complex. It’s sad to say, but I think I have developed a phobia of people in general. I really don’t interact with anyone in person unless necessary. Anymore I prefer to communicate by phone or social media rather than in person. I didn’t used to be like this. But anymore I am paranoid and scared to venture out in public, sometimes leading me to neglecting to run errands unless absolutely vital. Anymore when I do leave my apartment complex, it’s usually at night so I don’t have to deal with crowds or strangers. I’m even starting to become afraid of the people in my complex. I am scared that many people in my complex don’t like me. I suspect some of the elderly residents don’t like younger people on disability living in here. But I hope that’s my paranoia being in high gear and nothing more.
My illness has changed over the course of the years. I can more easily deal with the delusional thoughts, hallucinations, and anger. But dealing with the paranoia and problems socializing have gotten slightly worse. Anymore I desire to be alone most of the time. Most people I don’t want to socialize with. And it’s often because I am afraid of them. My fear stems from not being able to read unspoken cues and body language. I also have no concept of how to deal with office politics and the nonsense social games that many normals seem to fair well under. I don’t understand office politics. And it has cost me several jobs over the years. I have no desire to “man up” and go back to a regular job mainly because of office politics. Personally, I hope that automation takes a lot of these jobs and people will have to find other ways to define themselves besides job titles and money. I had to once it became painfully obvious that my hopes of a career were killed by my mental illness. Adaptation is the best strategy in living rather than holding on to a past that isn’t coming back. I’m not going to regain my ability to work a forty hour a week job and I have accepted that. And I no longer feel shame when anyone tells me I’m making my problems up or that I’m not worthy of living because I don’t have some remedial and repetitive job that will probably be taken over by machines in not too many years. I know what I have been thorough and have dealt with. No one else has. So these people can condemn all they want, but their condemnations mean nothing to me.
Other than a few bad days and one really bad day, I have been doing quite well for months. I imagine part of this has to do with avoiding angry and rude people. Sure I may not have much of a social life, but at this point in my life I no longer want to deal with rude and irritable people. I suppose I have hit my limit and don’t want to deal with it anymore. This kind of scares me as I am fearful that limiting my socializing will make me jaded and mean spirited as I age. I have known irritable and mean older people my entire life. I promised myself a very long time ago I would not turn out to be an angry and bitter old man. Maybe the only way I can do this is to severely limit who I socialize with anymore. I don’t post anything to Facebook or twitter anymore besides these blog posts. I finally became burned out on all the negativity, drama, etc. I have enough problems in my mentally ill mind that I don’t need my friends and family adding to them. I don’t see many of my friends online anymore either. I suppose they became burned out too. I hope that all this negativity and anger isn’t a new normal.
I really don’t enjoy socializing with most people anymore. I don’t want to socialize with negative and rude people anymore. Yet that is what all I seem to see anymore, online and in my own community. I try to tell my friends and family about what is actually going right, but I get mostly dead silence from these people. The few that do respond usually tell me I’m a liar. Seems to me normal people love to be immersed in anger and negativity. I don’t understand people. Then again I never have. I suppose I never will. I’m just tired of all the anger and negativity. From now on I’ll keep my optimism to myself.
After several rougher than usual days, I’m starting back on the mend. Feeling depressed, anxious, and paranoid really drains me. I still don’t socialize much other than phone calls and blogging. I have recently gone entire days without leaving my apartment. And it saddens me. I am afraid to travel, so I don’t get to see many friends or family. I don’t even like driving across town to buy groceries and house supplies anymore. I’m just so afraid and paranoid much of the time anymore.
Maybe the problems I traditionally have in late summer finally caught up to me. I just usually want to just curl up under a heavy blanket and try to sleep much of the time. It’s usually hunger that causes me to get out of bed.
In spite my recent issues I attempt to stay optimistic. Granted I haven’t been real successful at this lately. I attempt to avoid angry and irritable people as much as possible. It would be better for me and everyone involved if I just wasn’t as sensitive to these kinds of things as I am. Yet, for better and worse, it is how I am wired mentally. Losing my sensitivity, compassion, and empathy would involve destroying who I am mentally. It would mean being someone I have never been. I just can’t do it. I now understand why I never succeeded in a workplace environment. I just have too much compassion and empathy.