Been spending more time at home since the weather is turning cold. Haven’t had any real snow yet, but that probably won’t last long. Avoiding the stores and crowds of holiday shoppers. I have never done well in crowds and it seems to get worse as I age. Found out that one of my local grocery stores offers home delivery. I have used this a few times as I really don’t like driving on crowded streets anymore. Found out I do just fine on rural highways when I went to my parents’ place for Thanksgiving.
Overall I’m feeling pretty stable. Haven’t done much since cleaning my apartment over the weekend. Haven’t really been in the mood to talk to many people, so I keep to myself most of the time. Besides talking to a few friends and my parents, I haven’t had much for a social life for the last week. Now that I have winter supplies stocked again, I really don’t have to leave my complex for at least a few days if I don’t want to.
Between getting out my winter coat and stocking up on cold weather food, I think I’m ready for the next three to four months of winter. Even though spring is my favorite time of year, I’ve also enjoyed winter in years past. I usually get a lot of reading and writing done on cold days. I don’t feel guilty for not wanting to go outside in the cold. I am ready for winter.
The weather is turning colder again indicating that winter won’t be too far away. The leaves on the trees have completely turned. Since I have lots of trees in view of my apartment windows, I can enjoy the autumn foliage and not even put on a coat. I am still a little guarded about whom I socialize with, but at least I socialize a little everyday now. Somedays I’ll stay home most of the time, but I am not as afraid of traveling as I was even a few weeks ago. I try to get outside at least once a day and I’ve been lifting weights for a week now.
I’m also attempting to readjust my sleep patterns to more regular times. For weeks I have been sleeping in the mornings after staying awake most nights. Naturally this messed up my social life and sleep patterns. It also doesn’t help that I’ve been drinking more coffee and hot tea to try to warm up during these colder days. I imagine that this could take several days as I am used to sleeping in the mornings and then being up in the afternoons and overnight hours.
I haven’t seen any family in person since the summer. That will probably change in a few weeks as Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming up. I have usually been stressed during the holidays in years past. Anymore I avoid going to the stores and malls from Halloween to Christmas just to avoid crowds and the sensory overload. I don’t enjoy Christmas shopping or Christmas music. The only truly Christmas movies I like are It’s A Wonderful Life and A Christmas Story. I like the supernatural thrillers of Halloween better. I can’t get into those slasher killer movies. So I’ve been watching more supernatural thrillers lately in the spirit of Halloween. I also enjoyed the old ‘War of the Worlds’ radio broadcast. Youtube has a few recordings of that. So I’ll be binge watching Halloween movies for the next couple days.
Started to restock my winter supplies and emergency food. I am now set to the point that I don’t have to venture out for several days if needed. Lately I have been content to stay close to the complex besides running errands. Mentally I have been stable even if I am staying awake most of the night and sleeping in the mornings. Maybe that is why I am so stable.
I have gotten to where in my illness that socializing makes me paranoid and irritable. I no longer enjoy socializing with my neighbors. I no longer enjoy driving, not even across town. I’m pretty much content to just keep to myself anymore. Anymore I am my own favorite company. I hope this is mainly paranoia and the illness, but I really can’t stand to be around most people anymore. I would rather socialize over the phone or online than in person anymore. With the holidays coming in a few weeks, I may be forced out of this isolation routine that has worked so well for me. I’m not looking forward to losing my routines. I am definitely not looking forward to the holidays. I really don’t feel like celebrating much of anything anymore. And I certainly no longer care to celebrate merely because the calendar and society as a whole tells me I have to. Maybe schizophrenia really does get worse with age in some aspects. I don’t have much for hallucinations or angry outbursts anymore. But I do still have paranoia, delusions, and just prefer to be left alone almost all the time. I hope it’s my illness messing with my mind, but I just can’t stand to socialize in person anymore. I definitely can no longer hold a job. I can barely venture out into my hometown without problems anymore. I can only hope this illness stops getting worse as I age. It has definitely screwed with every aspect of my life.
Been feeling quite stable the last several days. I still have my flare ups of anxiety and irritability but fortunately they are not as intense as they once were. I’m beginning to reduce some of the doses of my medications as I tend to do well mentally in the late fall and winter months. I’m even not as irritable about Christmas this year. I see people are already putting up their decorations. I haven’t decorated for holidays in years. I just don’t see the need to. I will no doubt continue to avoid the mall and the big box stores during the holidays as I can now do all my shopping online. Thank God for amazon and the postal service.
I did a little Christmas shopping for myself already in the way of a couple new books and a couple computer games. I don’t usually go all out for the holidays being on a limited budget. I don’t buy a lot of gifts for people for Christmas simply because I usually don’t have that much money. But then again, even Jesus hasn’t gotten Christmas gifts in 2000 years. Must be rough that everybody but you gets gifts on your designated birthday. No wonder practitioners of other faiths think Christians are odd 🙂
I have found myself eating less over the last week or so. I usually eat two meals a day and drink lots of water and caffeine between meals. Even though caffeine can make me irritable in large doses, it does act as an appetite reducer for me. It’s not necessarily a bad deal as I haven’t had to buy groceries in three weeks. I’m eating less, sleeping less than usual (but I don’t feel tired or sluggish), getting outside more often in spite the colder weather, and genuinely feeling better than I did this summer and early fall.
As of right now I don’t have any plans for Thanksgiving. My cousins already had theirs and my aunts are going to their kids’ places. It may be just myself this year again. I opted out of Thanksgiving last year as I wasn’t feeling mentally stable and didn’t want to have problems around my brother’s kids. I probably should volunteer at one of the community Thanksgiving dinners that groups like the Knights of Columbus or the local food pantry puts on. One year my entire extended family and I volunteered at a community dinner in my hometown. Found out there were more shut ins and family less people than I thought. But if it is just me I just may go to the KFC and buy one of their large family meals the night before and live off that for a day or two. A friend of mine traditionally has lobster instead of turkey.
Even though I may not be doing anything really special for the holidays I can always call or video conference with family and friends. Thanks to the internet and social media platforms if you don’t stay in contact with friends and family it’s your own doing. I’ve been getting back on Facebook more now that the hoopla of the election has finally died down. Regardless of whether I go to my mother’s place or not I’ll definitely make a point of keeping in touch with my parents. I talk to my parents usually twice a week even though I’m in my mid thirties. I talk to them more now than when I was in my late teens and twenties. I don’t know what it is but they seem more interesting now and less domineering now then when I was in high school. But I suppose since I don’t live in the same town and have proven I can be on my own for a dozen years it’s like they’re more old and wise friends rather than the authority figures they were when they were when I still lived in their house.
I just hope I never catch myself complaining about the younger generations when I get older. I’m seeing my friends in my age bracket complaining about teenagers and college students and I’m thinking “Dude, that was us twenty years ago. We didn’t know anything back then and we still turned out alright. Ease off.” If I ever find myself complaining about the “kids” and/or talking about how much better it was in the past, I hope someone comes along and slaps some sense back into me. I remember what it was like being a kid and listening to the elders complain about me and my cohorts. And back then I promised myself I would never voluntarily put anyone younger than I am through that. It sucks not being taken serious because of your youth. It sucks not being taken serious because of my mental illness. But that is a topic for another place and time.
It’s been three months since I had my last psychotic breakdown. I have been on a different medication since. It is working better than my previous medication. I am more optimistic, more social, less depressed, less irritable, and I haven’t had hallucinations in three months. The only true negative of the last several weeks was the back injury that made me inactive for three weeks. I can lay on my stomach and get up now. But I won’t sleep on my back in a traditional bed until I no longer have back pain. I’ve gotten used to sleeping in a recliner. I’ve gotten used to going to sleep earlier and waking up earlier. I’m usually up by 6:30 in the morning. When I was in a bed I usually wasn’t awake until 8:00. I haven’t pulled any all nighters in a month. I think part of my stability comes from more consistent sleep. I know problems are coming when my sleep patterns change, especially when I get less sleep.
Traditionally late summers have always been tough for me. I usually start feeling more irritable than usual in early July. Usually it builds until I have a break in late summer, often in late August to early September. Both times I went to a mental hospital I went in early September. I have always been anxious, short tempered, and irritable from late July to mid September. I don’t know if it’s because of the heat or if I subconsciously have bad memories of going back to school.
Last year I had a mini breakdown in early July but got through August without much problem. The major break last year came in early October. I also sometimes have a breakdown a few days before Christmas. The holidays are traditionally an overwhelming and stressful time. I intentionally avoid malls and box stores in November and December. I can’t stand the sensory overload from the decorations, bell ringers, and piped in Christmas music. I have had to skip Thanksgiving at least twice in recent years.
I am not sure why traditionally happy times always make me depressed, sad, and irritable. Maybe because I don’t like being told how to feel or think even on a good day. I didn’t even like teachers telling me what to think in grade school. Perhaps I have too strong of an independent streak. I have never been capable of just gone along to get along. That has caused me a great deal of grief over the years. It has caused me lots of problems in school and the workplace. I never understood why people accept things they know to be questionable, senseless, and wrong. I have never been able to accept something I believe to be senseless or false. That alone has gotten me labeled a malcontent and having a bad attitude. But I am simply unable to shut down my mind and just be an obedient sheep. I’m sure I was quite a headache to some of my teachers, bosses, and parents when I was growing up. I just had to know why things were done as they were. I was that precocious child who was always asking ‘why’, even with complete strangers. But somebody has to keep asking questions and challenging the status quo. And I guess that I am one of those somebodies.