Now that I got the last rant out of my system, I’m feeling better overall. I actually feel almost energetic on top of feeling restless. Maybe it’s the sunshine and fresh air we’ve got the last few days. Even though I haven’t left my complex in a few days, I have had my windows open for much of the weekend. I think the fresh air is making me feel better and more energetic. Hopefully the last rant I wrote is enough to cure me of my irritability for awhile. I’m glad spring will be here soon. April, May, and June are my favorite times of year.
This is going to be an off topic posting. I haven’t done one just for fun in a long time. Even though I’m only a few months from being forty years old, I am normally not overly nostalgic. But there are a few things I like from my past years that I don’t get to see much anymore in 2020. So here goes.
Things I’m A Bit Nostalgic For
Having several great friends within a few minutes drive of my house
Camping in the Rocky Mountains during the summers
Knowing enough Spanish to carry on a conversation
My freshman dorm in college
High school speech meets (I met more girls this way than anything else I ever did)
Good shows on History Channel
When politicians at least acted like they were telling the truth
Not being afraid of driving a car
The aroma of old books in a library
The comedy of Bill Hicks and George Carlin
Indiana Jones movies
Music from old Nintendo games
Roller blading with my best friend and her sisters
Being able to play football on Friday nights and then go work at a general store for an afternoon shift the next day
Being able to look at the stars most nights
Being an insecure teenager and not realizing my classmates were probably more insecure than even I was
Seven a.m. chemistry lab sessions my freshman year in college
Ethnic food night at the campus mess hall
On campus concerts from student bands a couple times a month
Watching college baseball games while sitting on freezing aluminum bleachers
99 cent bottomless cups of coffee and all night discussions at the local truck stop over plates of chicken fried steak or bowls of clam chowder
Being able to road trip on a few minutes notice
Spending a part of every summer at my friend’s house in South Dakota
Tom Osborne as the Huskers’ football coach
Watching Mr. Rodgers Neighborhood and Sesame Street
Transformers and G.I. Joe cartoons
Buying fireworks from the American Legion during the summers
My grandparents and their mannerisms (some of which I’m now showing)
My niece and nephews as babies
Listening to Husker football games on the radio when we were road tripping or the game wasn’t televised
The music of Hootie and The Blowfish
Having to get off the internet because my dad had to make phone calls for business
Feeling like a thug because you had a large Napster account
Binge watching X Files, Daria, and Futurama on VHS
Tap recording songs off the radio
These are a few things that make me feel a little nostalgic. Granted there is a lot about the past I grew up in that can stay in the past, namely most public places smelling like tobacco smoke and not having internet available. But that is a subject for another posting. Take care.
It’s been a good day overall. Got a bunch of house hold chores done ahead of maintenance coming to my apartment tomorrow afternoon. Took a nap and am generally ready to face the night. We’re supposed to have two warmer than normal days before things start getting cold again right in time for the weekend. Had a good chat with my best friend last night and my neighbor this morning. She hadn’t been spending as much time here the last couple weeks due to the craziness of the holidays. But she came over and we had a good chat.
My new bed sleeps well. I have now gotten used to the bed being taller than my previous beds. It is the right combination of soft and firm for me. It isn’t so soft I sink in and it isn’t so firm it feels like I’m sleeping on the floor.
When my parents came to visit a few days ago, we got all my old flags hung on the walls. I now have a pirate flag hanging behind my recliner and a British flag hanging behind my dresser. My 13 colonies American flag is hanging right behind my tv. I’m glad I didn’t buy more flags. They, in addition to the artwork my best friend made, take up most of my wall space now. My house now feels like a home again. For a few years after I went minimalist I didn’t have much on the walls. It’s amazing how much one year and weekly maintenance and cleaning can do to improve the surroundings and my morale.
I find myself sleeping less at night and even staying up later. Yet I don’t feel tired. I may be getting less sleep than I did during the summer and early fall, but I think it’s better quality sleep. I changed out the parts on my cpap machine and I think that has made a big difference in my sleep quality. Some days I don’t even need to nap anymore.
Between getting my cpap new parts, redecorating my house, getting a new doctor, having a regular cleaner come help me out, having regular contact with my neighbors even though I don’t leave my apartment some days, and having these lingering maintenance issues resolved, it feels good to be getting some tasks accomplished I had been neglecting. I think much of this neglect was do to the paranoia aspect of my illness. Sometimes all the tasks needing to be done were so numerous and overwhelming I didn’t know where to start. I’m glad I got some outside help to help with my projects. I’m starting to get over my fears of asking for help.
It’s been a good day. Talked to my landlady and I’m going to be having some maintenance work done in my apartment within the next couple days. I’ll have to be out for a few hours while the work is done. My neighbors said I could stay with them for the day. It is work I have been needing done for a few weeks and it is finally being worked on. One of the reasons I’m glad the holidays are over is that I can now get things accomplished that have been on the back burner for a few weeks. Holidays are a stressful time for me, partly because almost nothing can get done during the holidays. This is especially bad in the case of emergencies.
With some of my Christmas money I bought a few cheap games. I also subscribed to Disney +. Yet most of what I watch is NatGeo. I did watch Avatar a few days ago. Hard to believe that movie has been out for over ten years already.
Been sleeping better since I received my new bed. I also read more too. I’m currently working on some of the classics I read in my early twenties. I am keeping myself occupied in spite of the colder weather. One of the things I like about winter is that I can get a lot of reading done during the long and cold nights. I’m adapting well to the winter. Winter and spring have always been my happiest times of year. Late summers and early fall are usually my toughest times of year.
I’m still lifting weights three times a week. I definitely feel stronger than I did when I started this routine last March. I may have not lost weight in 2019 but I didn’t gain any either. It looks like I have to adjust my eating activities to lose weight. I want to lose weight, but for health reasons. I really don’t care about impressing other people that much. I can do most of my socializing at home anymore. And my blog I can do from anywhere I can take a laptop and find a wireless internet connection. I couldn’t have imagined doing what I am doing as a blogger even ten years ago. Back in the mid 2000s I was still trying to get into writing through literary magazines and traditional publishing. I probably couldn’t have gotten the audience and platform I have now except via dumb luck before blogging became big.
I still don’t know what this blog can become ultimately. As it is I try to treat it like a job, even though I don’t make much money at it. I didn’t know I had much of a talent for writing and story telling until I was in college. I wouldn’t have figured this out had I never went to college.
Once I get these maintenance issues resolved within the next day or two, I’ll be set for awhile. Just right in time for the next cold spell to come in. I enjoy the cold weather. I love reading with a cup of coffee and reading while under a fleece blanket. I can hardly wait.
Been a bit of an up and down year for me. I’ve had several positives like finding a new general practice doctor and restarting my weight lifting routine. Even though my lungs are still weak, my physical strength is almost as good as it was when I was in my late twenties. I have employed a cleaning lady for a year. The apartment feels more like a home than a hide out. I redecorated my apartment. I put up some art work done by friends and a few classic battle flags. My personal favorites are the old U.S. Betsy Ross flag and the Pirate Ship flag. I ordered several through amazon as they were on sale. While the flags look excellent, they are also bigger than I expected. I currently have three on my walls. I’d love to hang all of them but I don’t think I have enough wall room.
As far as drawbacks go, I lost confidence in myself to drive my car. So I sold my car to one of my dad’s friends. It was an older, but lower mileage, car. I no longer drove enough to justify having it. And it was doing no one any good just sitting in a parking space. I still isolate some, but I have reestablished contact with some of my old college friends and extended family I had lost contact with over the last few years. I suppose after being a regular on social media for a few years, I have figured out what to post and what not to mention. I think most people are at least starting to adapt. I’ve noticed I’ve been involved in fewer online arguments than even three years ago.
I almost never have back pain anymore. But I still get short of breath if I’m really active. My physical therapist said I retained most of my physical strength even if I lost a lot of my lung capacity and my heart needed to get stronger. In addition to lifting weights, I also make a point of walking around and doing stretches in my apartment every couple hours. I am now on a blood pressure medication. I have noticed I don’t need as much sleep as I did before I started the medication. I’m also regaining stamina more quickly than before.
As far as science news goes for 2019, there were some really cool happenings. A probe was landed on the dark side of the moon by the Chinese. A few more probes were sent to Mars. Self landing and reusable rockets are becoming almost common occurrences. The world now has almost five billion people with access to the internet. Strides in life extension medicine have been made. There is now at least one company, started by a young man in his twenties, that is now removing garbage from the Pacific Ocean. Plans are being made to start cleaning up orbital space garbage. I bet my grandparents when they were watching the USA vs USSR space race back in the 1960s didn’t think this would become a problem so soon. And now private companies and small countries are sending up probes. Definitely not my parents’ space race anymore.
Even an electric powered pickup truck is now in development by the guys at Tesla. I joked about that a few years ago. Maybe my joke about custom making a fishing pole on a 3D printer or buying camping supplies with Bitcoins aren’t far behind. And I’m sure there are already people who can build computers and moon shine stills from scratch (see my Nerdy Redneck posts). Now it looks like it is starting to happen. I also saw that a cross country self driving truck delivery was made here in USA a few weeks ago. There was a driver present but the only time he took over was for things like refueling and maybe road construction. Ten years ago this was science fiction. Looks like I’ll be telling my brother’s kids to not consider being a truck driver or taxi cab driver. Even the small college town I live in has a few Uber drivers now. Before my car accident I applied to Uber, thinking I could make a few dollars ferrying around college kids on the weekends. I was turned down because my car was too old. One of my friend’s, her husband works for an Uber like company. Made decent money but worked long hours and was rarely home.
2019 has been an eventful year overall. Much of it has been good news, some of it bad. The bad news is going to get more attention simply because that is what the human mind notices first. Brilliant survival strategy in the Stone Age but can drive us insane when most of the basics are already met for most people in our world. According to a scholar named Yuval Noah Harrai, our world now has more people suffering health problems from eating too much as opposed to not getting enough food. Our great grandparents would have never imagined that. As much as I enjoy futurism and tech predictions, I would be foolish to say what isn’t possible for the citizens of 2120, especially after how much change I’ve personally witnessed since I graduated high school in 1999. My best friend and I were among the first families in our small farming town to subscribe to internet. I didn’t have my own email address until I was 18. And it was my friend who taught me how to get free music (which I never did) and free dirty pics (guilty as charged). My eight year old nephew is enamored with my mother’s old mechanical type writer. I never used one myself but learned how to type on an electric type writer when I was in junior high. The change over to computers was easy in comparison. Maybe my nephew’s kids will be surprised that we had to type on computers, rather then just think and communicate that way. Or it could be something completely out of the blue we can’t imagine yet. If the 2010s are any indication, the 2020s will be even more eventful and sometimes chaotic. It’s only going to get more interesting and eventful.
Been snowing on and off the last few days. So I have just stayed home and admired the snow while watching football or listening to music. Haven’t read much the last few days, not even articles. I have found that I actually remember what I hear in audiobooks more than what I read in regular books. I don’t read very fast anymore. And when I do, I find myself stopping every half hour or so just to think over what I’ve read. It’s a terrible way to try to read novels, but it’s perfect for heavy reading like philosophy and science books.
I guess winter is here. Not that it bothers me any. Spring is usually my favorite time of year, followed by winter. I love the chilly weather, long nights, and not feeling pressured to go out all the time. I enjoy the holidays more as I don’t venture out into the stores and fight the crowds anymore. What Christmas shopping I do is all online now. I got too much sensory overload from going to stores. Too many bright lights, too many people, and too much noise.
I haven’t had much for flare ups for a few weeks now. I think it helps that I am spending more time with my neighbors. I usually see them once a day, sometimes twice. Last weekend they spent an entire afternoon at my place. I think it’s helping ease some of my stress and anxiety about people. I have become quite fearful of crowds the last several months. And the fact that most of the time when people wanted to talk to me, they were angry or I was in trouble. For awhile, this made me very paranoid. Sometimes I would have panic attacks when I heard people talking in the hallway. Sometimes I wouldn’t answer my phone even if it was a friend or family member. I have gotten over that recently. I still answer even if it’s an obvious telemarketer. But rather than get upset, I just hang up after a few seconds. It’s not the most polite thing to do, but it’s not as bad as yelling at the person or machine on the other end. About the only time I don’t answer my phone is when I’m taking a bath or a nap.
I’m also having fewer aches and pains. The worst are always when I first wake up in the morning. And when I sit down for more than a couple hours, I can be kind of sore for the first minute I’m standing up. Anymore I almost always make a point to stand up at least once every hour, even while I’m on serious projects. I still lift weights three times a week. I think I’ve lost weight. I don’t know if I really have, but my clothes fit better, I recover from being out of breath faster, I recover from anxiety and irritability quicker, I sleep better, and my back doesn’t hurt as often. I still stay seated most of time when I have guests or my cleaning lady is doing her work, but it’s just so I don’t get in the way now. Even the shirts I bought a few months ago are now kind of baggy. I still wear a lot of sweat pants and cargo shorts, but it’s mainly because they are so comfortable and I do most of my work and shopping from home.
I sold my car a few weeks ago. I sold it to a friend of my parents who was needing more reliable transport. And I wasn’t driving much as I have found I can do almost everything from home now. I was also getting kind of unnerved about driving too. It’s just too much going on all at once. I admit to getting distracted and sensory overload easily. It’s just best that I don’t be out on the road anymore. And if I desperately really need to go anywhere, my town does have a few taxi cabs and a few Uber drivers now. My brother and his wife live in Oklahoma City and they usually hire Uber drivers when they need to go to and from the airport to avoid paying for a parking space. I have an account, but haven’t actually used it yet. I don’t miss driving that much. It was just becoming more of a hassle than it was worth. I enjoyed going on road trips all the time when I was in my twenties and early thirties. But as I have gotten a few years older, I pretty much enjoy spending most of my time at home in the company of family or friends. I’m glad I travelled when I was young and in more stable health.
I don’t regret any of the travels I did. Actually, there really isn’t much I regret about my life so far. Sure I regret getting schizophrenia, but it’s not like I had any say in that. But I’ve made my peace and adapted accordingly. I know it’s popular right now to be nostalgic about the past and be convinced that the world is going to hell. Yet, for me, there isn’t any time in history I would want to be at other than the here and now. If I had been born in my grandparents’ generation, I wouldn’t have had decent medications and would have been lifelong institutionalized if I was lucky. As it is, I can live more or less independent and on poverty level wages because of medications, social safety nets like disability insurance and Medicaid. Thanks to computers and internet, I have easy access to almost any kind of information I want within reason. That alone would make the scholars of any previous era jealous. And I get access to this treasure trove of information for the cost of one dollar per day. I find myself looking up things all the time, even useless information like when I’m talking football statistics with my friends or family. I couldn’t have done this twenty five years ago. And now that slightly over 50 percent of the world’s population now has internet access, it is starting to no longer be considered a luxury. For me, it’s an absolute necessity for my current lifestyle. I’ll take easy internet access over flying cars and meals in pill form any time.
It’s been another good day. I spent the afternoon hosting my neighbors as visitors. They were here for a couple hours. I forgot how good it was to have visitors that weren’t family. I had been isolating more or less for months. I hope this is because of paranoia on my part. But I just don’t feel safe in public anymore. Haven’t for a long time. I guess spending most of my time at home, reading books, writing, and working on computer games has become the new normal for me. I no longer want to deal with outside drama. Some people can be so mean anymore.
I’m having fewer aches and pains overall. The worst is when I wake up in the mornings. After a soak in a hot bath, and my morning routines I feel better. I make it a point to stand up for a couple minutes every hour or so. Used to be I would sit for hours on end when reading, writing, etc. I don’t want to do that anymore. It wasn’t healthy.
Been writing a few emails. Got a couple responses from an old friend from high school. I find it easier to communicate via email than social media. Social media is alright to drop in for a couple minutes. But it simply wasn’t designed for long, drawn out conversations. Those are the exact conversations I crave. My best conversations have never been over facebook. But I and my friends are rediscovering emails. I now treat them like traditional letters.