Been trying to adapt to new sleep patterns for the last several days. Mentally I’m still stable but I am not sleeping as much as I once was. For much of the winter I was sleeping 10 to 12 hours a day. I’m now down around 5 to 7 hours. Been this way for almost a week now. I don’t know if it’s due to longer days or warmer weather or what. As it is I am not sleeping as much as I was for most of the winter.
I’m still trying to figure out what to do with the newly found free time. Since at least Christmas, I had been used to getting everything I need done in the short amount of time I was awake. I have found over the course of the last several days I’m getting more done, leaving my apartment more often, diversifying my activities, contacting friends and family more, etc. But I also find myself with times of boredom and restlessness. I usually take my medications in the middle of the night as I like to be awake in the off hours. I’m now finding myself wanting to be awake during daylight and not so much just wanting to be nocturnal all the time. But as I am no longer sleeping 10 hours a day, I find myself being both a morning person and a night person. Traditionally rapid changes in sleep patterns have been precursors to mental health problems with increased anxiety and paranoia. But I hope to cut these off and try to get back to some more regular sleep.
Overall I’m glad that the winter is over. We do have a spring snow coming this weekend. But those never last long. Currently watching opening day of baseball on tv in the background. I’m glad winter is over. Mentally I stayed stable all winter but at the cost of hibernating much of the winter. I’m looking forward to doing more outside again.
Blogging has turned into a dream come true for me. I can write about my problems as a mentally ill man, tell what works for me and what doesn’t, and now I’m even making a few dollars a month at it. I never expected any money from this blog or really any of my writing work. I enjoy what money can do as much as anyone, but I really don’t need a large bank account or stock portfolio to stroke my ego. As long as I can keep the rent current, have food in my pantry, my medications stocked up, and stay out of debt, I am fine with what I make just off disability pension. It may seem kinda boring and dreary life for some as I really can’t afford to travel much anymore or that I don’t have any family of my own.
I travelled a lot in my younger years and I went to a small college with a larger than usual foreign student body. Since there were less than 600 students in our entire college, we were forced to interact with people of many different backgrounds if we wanted to have any kind of social life. It was a good college for someone like from rural Nebraska who wasn’t personally exposed to many different cultures. It was in college that I found that I had some talent for writing. That’s where I started writing poetry and drafts for novels. I also read many of the classics of American and European literature while there. I also dabbled in some Eastern philosophy like Sun Tzu and Lao Tzu. Granted this was in the early 2000s before youtube and most of social media really connnected people. I imagine I could learn the same things now on my computer as opposed to spending entire days in the campus library. But being exposed to different ideas from different eras of time and different nations inspired me to tell my own story. And apparantly my story of my life with mental illness is resonating with some people.
As quickly as the weather turned decent, it turned back to cold, dreary, and rainy. But I actually like rainy weather. Living on the plains of Nebraska, we need good spring and summer rains for the corn crops. But now that I’m up more in the days I can spend my daylight hours drinking hot coffee, listening to jazz music on YouTube, playing computer games, and just enjoying the sights and sounds of early spring. I still force myself out of my apartment at least once a day just on principle. I didn’t used to isolate so much. In fact, I used to be rather social to people in my complex until a few years ago. I think that losing three close friends in less than six months like I did in 2014 really took more of a toll on me than I initially thought. I became rather jaded and cynical for a couple of years. But then again, many people I knew became this way right about that time. So I stopped socializing as much. I stopped going to the park several times a week. I preferred to stay home, sleep, and socialize online rather than in person.
I think I’m starting to pull out of that just wanting to be left alone all the time. I try to socialize some every day, even if it is just with the delivery lady or mail man or cashier at the store. But I really haven’t talked to my neighbors much this winter. I’m trying to break out of that. I see that my complex has had several new people move in during the last few months. I need to get out more and see who they are. I’ve been in this complex now for almost twelve years. In some ways I’m becoming one of the more tenured residents even though I’m only in my late thirties. Originally this complex was designed for senior citizens and low income disability people. I was one of the first low income disability young people to move in years ago, at least from what I understand. For most of those first several years I worked part time jobs. It was in 2012 that I became tired of office place politics and decided to devout my energies to seeing if I get blogging up and going. I had been writing poetry, mental illness essays, and a couple novels before then. It was in 2012 I came to the conclusion I would have a better audience eventually if I set up an online blog. After a few years of this I have been proven right. I have had a bigger audience than I could have imagined just six years ago. It has gotten to where I almost never have days when I don’t have any traffic anymore. And I almost always have as much outside the USA traffic as I do inside the USA. It makes sense once I looked up the numbers and found that almost 95 percent of the world’s population isn’t from the USA. Being in a more isolated area of my country I have to remind myself of that occasionally.
Now that spring has started and the days are longer than the nights, I’m going to attempt to readjust my sleep schedule. I’m in the second day of this so I think it will be kind of a bumpy ride for the next few days. I just woke up and got out of the bath tub and it’s right at 3 am as I write this. I went to bed around 12 am but decided to get up once I could no longer sleep. Usually taking my medications earlier in the night helps me to fall asleep sooner. I did fall asleep at midnight instead of the usual 6 am. But of course I didn’t sleep the night through. But I have always had problems sleeping an entire night even as a child. So my mom gave me a reading light so I could read and stay quiet while everyone else in the house slept. By the time I got to high school I didn’t have a traditional bed time, I just had to be up by 7 am every morning so I didn’t miss school. But I am starting to adjust to sleeping at night rather than in the day.
Yesterday I spent much of the day with unexplainable aches and pains, namely in my back. First time in weeks I had such problems. But after a couple hot baths and a few advil pills I was back to normal. I have also noticed I feel fewer aches and pains on days when I don’t eat sugar or lots of processed foods. Usually if I stick to water, vegetables, and fresh cooked meat I can do quite alright.
I am so looking forward to the warm weather and long days of spring. Baseball starts in a week so I’ll have games on in the background when I’m doing my evening activities. My Rockies had a decent season last year and bigger things are expected this year. I hope they don’t disappoint.
Now the weather is getting better, I usually keep my windows open during daylight hours. Since I’m awake in the day light hours more than I was this winter, I had forgotten how much I enjoy the smell of fresh air and the feel of a light breeze. There are a lot of trees on my property and in my hometown and they are starting to bud again. I’m sure we will have at least one quick hitting April blizzard like we usually do. But I am glad winter has passed. It was a tough winter for me, at least in terms of socializing and moving around. It was tough that I would sometimes go entire days without leaving my apartment. Hopefully that nonsense is over. I’m ready for warmer weather, flowers in the park, and the occasional sun burn. No season is perfect but at least I won’t be seeing nothing but ice, snow, and gray sky for weeks on end anymore.
Spending a quiet, calm, and uneventful weekend at my apartment. Haven’t talked to anyone this weekend. After several days of forcing myself out of my comfort zones trying to be more social and out going, I am needing a quiet weekend to recharge and regroup. Deciding that I’m spending the weekend binging on computer games and youtube music videos. Been listening to some of the music I listened to in high school and college the last few days. I refuse to go as far as to say music was better twenty years ago because anyone will be nostalgic for what they grew up listening to in the formative years of their teens and early twenties. I imagine in early 1800s Germany there were people complaining about Beethoven. And I’m sure when the 2030s roll around my nephews’ generation will complain about what their kids listen to, watch and read.
As it is, it’s been a calming and relaxing weekend. It was overcast, kind of chilly, and raining on and off all day yesterday. We get those days quite a bit in early spring. I enjoy those type of days. Boil some coffee, find a good book, and just enjoy the day. I also do some of my better writing on days like that. Days like that are one of the reasons spring is my favorite time of year.
Looks like I made it through another winter without having any major setbacks. I did have to readjust my life some as I got to where I didn’t like being around people and preferred to sleep as much as possible. Maybe one of the reasons I stayed stable was I avoided people as much as possible. But with winter ending I suppose I no longer have the excuse of it being too cold or too much snow to leave my complex. I have to renew my lease in a few weeks. So I have to get my paper work together for that. Too bad I couldn’t do this online and submitting e-files. My rent is literally the only thing I even write checks for anymore. I imagine this dream of mine is still a few years away.
I’m back to keeping odd hours again. I usually sleep in the late mornings and early afternoons while being awake often until sunrise. I still get enough sleep and I make it a point to get out of my apartment some everyday. But I have found that at this point in my life I feel less paranoid and irritated in the middle of the night than I do in the mornings. I never have been a morning person. Even as a kid I would often stay awake late and read books even on school nights. I’d be up all night sometimes during the summers and Christmas breaks just reading. While I don’t do as much serious book reading as I once did, I still do audiobooks and listen to science and history lectures. That is my form of entertainment. I have also gotten into learning do it yourself fixes around the house via youtube videos. I’ve recovered crashed computers, sped up my play station, and done various around the house hacks just by watching a few videos. I have to find something quiet to do when I’m awake in the overnight hours. I just as well be exercising my mind.
Winter is practically over in my hometown. Most of the snow is melted. Baseball preseason is in full swing and the regular season will be starting in a couple weeks. During the spring and summer I’ll often have a baseball game on the tv in the background while I’m reading a book or working on a computer. Live sports is about the extent of my traditional tv viewing anymore and even this I don’t watch as much as I did even five years ago. If cable didn’t come with my apartment I wouldn’t even have it.
I’m looking forward to spring. This winter has been harsher than usual. Other than a few days at my parents’ place in February, I haven’t been outside of my hometown this winter. But my town, while not a city by any stretch of the imagination, has almost everything I need within driving distance. What I can’t get in my hometown I can always get delivered via internet orders. In short I really have no real reason to travel much anymore besides seeing friends and family. And travel is more stressful for me than it was even a few years ago. I really no longer enjoy the long road trips like I did in my twenties and early thirties. I have no real plans to travel this summer. I guess I really have no immediate plans other than continuing to do the blog and stay stable. But sometimes staying stable with mental illness is a full time job by itself.
Not a great deal has changed the last few days. I still force myself out of my apartment at least once a day, usually at night. I’m still kind of paranoid about crowds and people in general. I’m content anymore to do my socializing online and over the phone. I still contact my family and friends a couple times a week. So it isn’t like I’m completely isolated. Anymore I desire to be alone most of the time. As I have advanced in age with this illness I have found that I just can’t relate to most people. I don’t have kids and I’m not married, so that alone cuts into my social life. I’m not really interested in sports, at least not to the extent that most my neighbors, friends, and family are. I mainly follow sports primarily to have something to talk about with family and friends. Otherwise I wouldn’t care much. I haven’t gone to the movie theatre in almost four years. I would rather watch movies from my own home and comfortable couch and make my own snacks. I just never did enjoy the movie theatre experience.
There really isn’t many opportunities to socialize for single people in their thirties and forties where I live. I never enjoyed the bar scene as it’s too crowded and the music is too loud. I don’t have kids, so that eliminates me from most social activities. I feel out of place when I’m at even a family gathering and I don’t have kids and everyone else does. I tried the day rehab for mental health patients but it just seemed too remedial for me. Socializing is tough for mentally ill people. It’s especially tough when you don’t share many of the same interests as everyone else. My big interests involve a lot of science, technology, history, economics, literature, and science fiction. I have never found many people outside of academia that are even remotely interested in any of this. I just never could work a forty hour week job, complain about how much I hate said job but never do anything to make it better. I never could just go to bars on weekends, get drunk, and try the hook up culture even fifteen years ago. I never got married, thinking I was doing the responsible thing by staying out of that while fighting a mental illness. While I avoided the potential of a divorce or an unhappy marriage, I also killed much of my social life opportunity. I’m the only person in my circle of friends who isn’t married. And I don’t have much of a social life. I have a couple cousins that are the same way, but they have the saving grace of having full time careers. Being on disability I don’t have even that.
In spite my problems socializing, I still prefer being an adult to being a teenager. At least as an adult I have the option of avoiding bullies, jerks, and idiots. In high school I had the same interests I do now and the bullying and torment was awful. I don’t feel nostalgic at all about my high school years outside of a few friends and a few school activities. I didn’t enjoy being a kid and even twenty years later I still remember what it felt like. Sure I have made my peace with my past and moved on. But I don’t want to relive those years. And I’m certainly not going to get nostalgic for my teenage years when they were quite lousy overall. I far more enjoyed college than high school mainly because there were more eccentric and intelligent people to socialize with. We had our share of fools and losers like high school, but the bullies and jerks who did well in high school struggled in college. And they struggled even more once they hit the adult world. While I am glad for the interests I have, these interests make it very difficult to socialize with average people. Seems like most of what I hear that passes for socializing are reruns of old things I’ve been hearing for years. I guess the only real bad part of being an adult is having to socialize with boring and rude people without pulling your hair out.
Spring is pretty much here in my part of the country. The days are getting longer and warmer. Been spending more time outside, mainly at night as I’m still a little paranoid around large groups of people. Still staying up late but I don’t sleep most of the day like I had been for the previous couple weeks. Most days I’m awake at noon after going to bed around 4 or 5 am. I just prefer the quiet solitude of the overnight hours anymore. Hopefully this will change as the weather warms and spring advances. Spring has always been one of my happiest times of year. April, May, and June are usually my most stable months. I’ve often had my biggest problems in August and September. There is a seasonal aspect to my schizophrenia. I don’t know how many others with this diagnosis have similar problems. I’m also usually stable in the winter months. Winter and Spring seem to be my best times of year. From what I’ve heard, usually winters are toughest for those with seasonal aspects of mental illness. But for me it’s always been the opposite times of year that were the most stressful. Never could figure out why. But like many people I do have better times of year than others.
Been forcing myself out of my comfort zones more the last few days. I’ve been leaving my apartment more often and forcing myself to socialize. Ran many errands I had been neglecting during the winter. Getting stocked up on house supplies and cleaning agents so I can do my spring cleaning more properly. Going to get that started in a few days. After a few warmer than usual days we are back into winter. While I knew this was going to happen, I’m still a little disappointed in myself for not taking more advantage of the warmer weekend. But in terms of supplies and things I’ve been putting off for the last few weeks I’m pretty much caught up.
Been feeling a little less at ease as I’ve been forcing myself to expand my horizons. That’s probably why I’m a little more irritable than usual. That and I’m attempting to readjust my sleep patterns so I don’t sleep all day while being awake all night. I could tell this routine was starting to take a toll on me. I don’t understand how people who work night shifts for years do it without losing their sanity. I used to work night shifts at a factory. While the work was simple enough and the pay good, I just couldn’t adapt to sleeping all day and working all night five nights a week. After several weeks my work started to suffer and I had to leave the job once my request for a different shift was denied. I could tell a breakdown was coming if I stayed there.
While I’ve been socializing more I have found I really haven’t lost my social skills in spite spending weeks essentially alone. I still prefer to spend most of my time alone, but sometimes things like this come and go in phases. Sometimes I’ll want to sleep all the time and sometimes I won’t want to sleep at all. Sometimes I’ll want to socialize every day and sometimes I’ll want to go entire days where I talk to no one. But at least at this point in my life with mental illness I can recognize this and plan accordingly.
Even though winter is all but over and the weather is warming up, I’m still spending most of my time alone and isolated. Just been more irritable and short tempered lately. Even hearing my neighbors walk down the hallway can irritate me anymore. And since my neighbors are prone to argue among themselves and make lots of noise during the day, I have intentionally been sleeping during the days and staying up until sunrise for most of the last two weeks. Why shouldn’t I? It’s not like I have much of social life anyway. At least I haven’t had much of a social life for the last few years once even social media stopped being fun. I mean, do normal people enjoy being angry and argumentative all the time? It seems to be that way to me. It didn’t use to be this bad. In fact, most people used to be pretty cool about petty disagreements.
I can’t imagine what’s going to happen to my nation and my friends over the next few years. I used to believe that if we made it though these tough times, we’d have a real cool future. But every time I try to be encouraging or bring up something cool science has done recently, I’m met with either stone cold indifference or fear. My countrymen didn’t used to fear change nearly as much as we do now. Hell, we used to force change sometimes out of boredom. When I look at my elders, leaders, and even people my own age in my hometown and my country in general, I find it hard to believe that these peoples’ parents and grandparents landed on the moon, built personal computers, won major world wars, or even had the courage to immigrate to a new land where they knew no one and had only their dreams and work ethic to keep them going in the dark times. Whatever pioneer spirit and love of innovation my people once had is dead. And it’s quite sad. But no one cares anymore, at least not enough to embrace change. I know some really cool things are coming within the next ten to twenty years for the people of this world, at least those who are willing to push through their fears of change and adapt accordingly.
But I look around me in my hometown and my family and friends, and I don’t see any adapting. I see nothing but fear and hate. In some ways I’m glad I’m not well adjusted to my current reality. The only people who seem to be are those who are nostalgic for a past that never really existed in the first place. I no longer see the courage and original thinking that made my nation and it’s people the envy of the world. And I won’t let us slip away without putting up a fight.