Today is Mardi Gras for my Catholic friends. The start of Lent season was always a sign for me that winter was almost over. I have weathered the winter alright so far. I haven’t had any breakdowns since before Christmas. I started reading a book that was over 1200 pages at New Years and I’m barely over half done. But I try to chip away a little every day. I try to contact family and friends at least once a day. The last few days my best friend and I have been having a running dialog over facebook messaging. She works a job where she occasionally has down time and can chat for a few minutes even if she does have to be on her feet all day.
I got some real good news several days ago. I’m getting new flooring in my apartment. I’m getting my walls repainted to and some work in the bathroom done too. I never thought I’d ever see the day I’d get excited over getting a new toilet. But I guess that happens once I hit middle age. I’m supposed to be getting this in a couple weeks. The only drawback is I have to be out of my apartment for several days. I’ll probably be staying at a hotel here in a town for the duration. I imagine I’ll be doing lots of sleeping and internet research for that time. But I can accept a week of inconvenience in order to have my apartment updated for the next fifteen years. I guess this is my end of winter good news.
Overall I’m feeling pretty decent. I usually make a point of leaving my apartment at least once a day or host guests. Whenever I have delivery people come, I usually meet them on the ground floor lobby instead of wait in my apartment. Been doing this for a week. It gets me out of the apartment and forces me to socialize more.
Started reading more again. Had been lazy about that for almost two weeks. I usually go to bed around 9pm and wake in the middle of the night. I stay up for usually two to three hours and then go back to sleep, usually until 7am.
I have been fighting a minor cold for a few days. Just taking vitamin C pills and drinking hot fluids until this clears. Second cold I’ve had this winter as I had one around New Year’s.
Spring is a few weeks away. This winter hasn’t seemed as long as some previous winters. I’m looking forward to warmer weather again and not having to sit under a blanket most of the time.
Mentally I feel pretty decent for the most part. I sometimes have moments of anxiousness and irritability. Fortunately I can break out of it usually after a few minutes. I’m glad I haven’t had problems in front of neighbors or family lately. Sometimes breathing exercises and just disconnecting for several minutes is enough to let it pass by.
I still talk to my parents two to three times per week. I call my brother two to three times a month. He’s usually pretty busy with work and taking kids to sports practices or school activities. My oldest nephew is a freshman in high school.
Talk to my friends more often. I have a couple I try to reach out to at least once a day on facebook. I don’t do much with my groups other than just read posted articles. I just no longer have the energy or desire to engage in long discussions online except with friends and family. I see my neighbors a few times a week. They were kind enough to make dinner for me earlier in the week.
Don’t have much planned for the weekend. Probably just go outdoors for awhile if the weather isn’t too bad. Might sleep in too.
Been sleeping more the last few days. I think I’m trying to fight off a cold, again. Been hitting the fluids and vitamin C. Hopefully this passes quickly. I haven’t been socializing as much the last few days either. I have been to tired to be much for decent conversation. I have gone easier on reading the last few days too. I essentially want to sleep as often as possible.
I getting to where I’m ready for spring. Spring is usually my happiest time of year, especially in May and June. For some reason I just don’t well in the heat of late summer. August is traditionally a tough time for me. I think I’ve gotten my fill of winter. Fortunately it hasn’t been as tough of a winter this year as last. We haven’t had much snow in my town since the first of the year. The air hasn’t felt dry, it just hasn’t snowed or rained much in my town the last several weeks.
A lot of sickness has been going around my complex and my town this winter. Other than a bad cold around the first of the year, I have avoided it. Even though I still don’t socialize much in person, I’ve been making a point of leaving my apartment at least once a day the last few days. I think I’m just wanting to be out and about more. Even when I have deliveries to my place, I now meet them in the lobby rather than wait for them at home. I usually have a decent idea of what time my delivery guys will arrive, so I usually go to the lobby a few minutes before they arrive. It gives me an extra reason to move around more and gets me out of the apartment, at least for several minutes.
My mother’s birthday was yesterday. She’s now in her seventies. I was talking to her yesterday and she said her age doesn’t get her as much as having her youngest son (me) going to be forty this summer. I guess being forty doesn’t traumatize me as much as I thought it would. I do regularly shave now as I was noticing a few gray hairs in my beard. That I spent much of my thirties with a beard. I haven’t been losing hair but I’ve noticed my hair doesn’t grow as fast as it once did. The only real part of being middle aged that bothers me is that I just don’t have the endurance I did even a few years ago. I used to walk 3 miles a day all the way until my mid 30s with no problems. Most of the jobs I ever had required me to be on my feet most of the time. I now understand why people look for desk jobs once they hit their late 30s. My mind is as strong as ever, but the body just isn’t keeping up anymore. I’m still adapting to this.
I have now accepted that there isn’t any embarrassment in asking for help, especially with physical tasks. It took me awhile to adapt to this. For as long as I can remember until a couple years ago, I was the one who was doing physical tasks for others on a daily basis. When I worked retail, I didn’t mind lifting heavy items or stocking shelves. I didn’t mind the lifting and walking involved in factory work. I enjoyed being on my feet when I worked as a janitor for a few years. But that kind of endurance has faded over the last few years. I was so used to helping others I didn’t bother to keep track of what I did to help others. I didn’t mind living on the top floor of an apartment complex and parking as far away as possible from the front door just because I was quite mobile. Not anymore, at least the mobility part. I still try to help people, even if it’s as simple as keeping clutter off the floor so my cleaning lady can get her work done quicker. For years I helped others and didn’t think of doing otherwise. But I guess now I can ask for help as needed. See, it does pay to help others.
Haven’t had a great deal to report for the last few days. Been sleeping more and staying home. With as many people have been sick lately, I just stay home most of the time. The flu has been real bad in my town this winter. As much as I like cooler weather and long nights, I think I’m about ready for spring again. I haven’t been out enjoying the cold and brisk air as much this winter as previous winters.
Other than family and a few friends, I don’t talk to many people these days. I have just kept to myself overall. Don’t have much going on right now.
I’m going to take a detour with this post and have a little more fun than usual. I’m going to post on oddities about myself. I’ll try to keep this fun. So here goes.
I have the same best friend at age 39 that I had at age 17.
My best friend is a woman. When we were in high school we came to an unspoken agreement that we wouldn’t make our friendship a romance. While it hurt in high school, in the long run it payed off.
I started college as a pre med student. I shifted to business after two years. I mean, who wants to trust a medical scientist who got a D in Organic Chemistry?
Even though I really had little interest in business and economics until I went to college, I’m glad I studied business. I am really more interested in history and literature.
I spent as much time reading literature, history, and philosophy in college as I did studying business my last three years of college. I spent a few hours every day reading at the campus library. I’m glad I did this ‘dual study program’.
I haven’t been on a date since my late 20s. I’m not anti romance or anti marriage. I know myself well enough that, with my psych illness and personality type, I would make a lousy husband and father. Now I love having friends and family. But, I don’t do well with romance.
I have several email accounts, most of which are dummy accounts so I can cut down on spam in my real accounts.
I don’t give my nephews and niece career advice or ask them what they want to be when they grow up. The workplace is changing fast enough that even I had several different types of jobs. I imagine this trend is only going to speed up in the coming years.
I enjoy reading non fiction books more than fiction. Real life is quite interesting to me because, well, some real crazy things happen in non fiction. And it’s non fiction because it actually happened in real life.
I wrote drafts for two novels in my late 20s and early 30s.
I find writing in first person easier than writing in third person. My writer friends think I’m crazy for saying this. But it’s true for me.
I like the comedy of Bill Hicks and George Carlin.
My likes in music have changed over the years. In high school I was big into grunge and heavy metal. In college I really got into country and blues. In my late 20s I really got back into metal and added some hip hop. In my 30s I got into techno. I do like some of most genres of music. I don’t have just one particular style.
Even though I did well in school in high school and college, I still wasn’t very confident in my abilities until I hit my 30s. And it was in my 30s I found out that most of my classmates in high school and college were less confidant than even I was.
While I no longer work a regular job, I’m glad I had the variety of jobs I did. Some of the jobs I’ve worked included retail sales, waiter, factory worker, teachers’ aide, janitor, and farm laborer.
Even though I don’t make money from my blog writing, it gives me more joy than any job I’ve ever done.
I never understood the trope about people not liking their in laws because my parents always had good relationships with their in laws.
Both of my parents worked full time jobs, but they had different shifts. My mother worked the night shift as a nurse at a hospital. Even with these different shifts, we always had at least one meal a day as a family. And since I had a set of grandparents that lived in town, mom and dad would send us there if they needed a break from us. I guess I had the best of all worlds as a kid.
I don’t socialize much in person anymore. Yet I don’t feel lonely because I socialize via the internet and phone daily.
I don’t like fast food anymore. I prefer my own cooking in most cases. The closest thing to fast food I eat anymore is delivery pizza and Chinese.
Been sleeping more the last several days. I had been getting more easily irritated and depressed this week than usual. Sometimes sleeping a lot and disconnecting for a few days helps. I feel like I’m starting to recover.
A lot of sickness has been going around my town all winter. Other than a cold a few weeks ago, I’ve avoided getting sick. I think it helps that I don’t spend much time in public, especially with as cold as it’s been. One of my friends has already had a nasty bout of flu. Maybe it is a good thing that I don’t like being around people much.
I don’t really have much going on at the moment. No real big plans for the near future. Probably just best to stay home and not do anything to cause major changes, at least not right now.
Been pretty quiet the last several days. I keep in contact with friends and family a little every day even if I don’t spend much time on social media lately. Spending much of my time reading any more. Been reading regularly again since Christmas. I talk to my neighbors a few times a week but haven’t left my apartment for a few days. I’m usually content to stay home most of the time. I don’t mind visitors but, outside of my neighbors, I don’t get them very often.
I don’t venture out in public much. I’m just afraid of most people any more. I am burned out on dealing with rude people. And I no longer have much tolerance for mundane chit chat. I just no longer enjoy it. It’s the same thing over and over as far as I’m concerned. Naturally, this makes me look aloof and standoffish to most people I meet. But, sometimes I am my own best company. It’s probably why I spend so much time alone and it doesn’t bother me as much as most people. The fact it doesn’t bother me much is probably unnerving to some people. I am just to tired and burned out to deal with pointless drama. Have been for a long time.
Hi there, thank you for checking out my blog page where I write about Bipolar, adhd,bpd and ptsd which I struggle with daily. This blog is to both educate and give others hope. I also write about my drug addiction in hopes of giving other people encouragment and hope for a brighter, annd better future.Thank you. sincerly, Emily Thorn.