Middle of the winter now. Haven’t ventured out of my apartment much the last few days. Too cold to go anywhere really. Been immersing myself in computer games and audiobooks more these days. I have to admit that I really have no desire to socialize in person much, at least not lately. I guess I have given up on finding anyone in physical proximity who shares my interests and concerns. I have gotten tired of neighborhood gossip and endless talks about politics and sports ball. Been tired of it for a long time. I haven’t even watched live tv since the college football bowl games around New Year’s Day. I guess I just lost interest in the mundane and normal things my neighbors can discuss for hours on end.
I have to admit that I find most of my social life on social media these days. I have excellent conversations with people from my tech and futurists groups. It’s like some of the conversations I had with friends back in college, when you would chat until sunrise and your throat was burning from chatting so much. During conversations like that, it’s like I could actually feel my brain getting stronger and more nimble. I loved those years. I can’t imagine how cool they would have been had I not had a mental illness to deal with. I can understand why many people are nostalgic for their college years, before the spirit crushing and brain numbing realities of having to spend over half your waking life at a job that most people aren’t well suited for just to earn enough money to live an “acceptable” standard of living.
Most people caught up in the day to day working ‘Oh God It’s Monday’ merry go round ride we like to call ‘being a productive member of society’ would argue I don’t live an acceptable standard of living. Most people would consider me a failure it seems. It seems that people either pity me or envy me for being on disability pension. Acceptable by what standards? Who decided what is and isn’t a productive member of society? Am I going to hell because I am not working myself into an early grave or not buying the big house and SUV type lifestyle? Seriously, what will happen if I don’t work myself into an early grave because I didn’t become a cubicle jockey or sell my talents for more money than I need to buy crap I never really wanted to impress jerks that wouldn’t shed a tear if I dropped dead of a heart attack tonight? Is God going to deny me access into the afterlife because I don’t have a credit history?
Let’s not con ourselves, most people work the jobs they do because they need the money to buy their survival, not because they are passionate about their jobs or their careers are a benefit to humanity and nature. I think that if money weren’t in issue, many people would find even more productive means to spend their days than sitting in traffic to get to an office to fill out reports that few people read or do work with their hands that, in some cases, could just as easily be done by machines and computers. Too many people work themselves senseless and joyless because, for whatever reason, they got too deep into debt pursuing the ‘dream life.’ Dream life for whom? Not me.
I never understood the point of borrowing money for anything besides starting a business, learning a trade, or buying a house. But with as fast as industries change anymore, owning a house can actually hinder a person’s career. I know people who have had to turn down very lucrative promotions because they owned a house and couldn’t get that albatross around their neck sold quickly. I also know people who were making six figures a year simply because they were flexible and could throw all their possessions in the back of a pickup truck and U-Haul trailer and be moved across country in a matter of a few days. It seems to be in the modern economy that being flexible, not having unmanageable debt, and having skills that can transfer into several different industries is the new security. To quote Randy Gage, “safe is the new risky.”
I am on disability pension, it is true. It was the only way I could afford my medications once I couldn’t be covered under my parents’ insurance plans. My mental illness also made the modern work place unbearable for me. Even as a teenager I knew I wanted to work in a small group or even alone and not have to deal with strangers for hours on end every day. Giving up my pre med course of study was one of the most painful things I ever did. It was essentially me having to kill the dream of having a career in science. I had wanted to work in as a research scientist since I was five years old. Even as a child my favorite Disney character was Dr. Ludwig von Drake, an eccentric academic with a German accent loosely based on Werner von Braun, Albert Einstein, and Sigmund Freud.
Even though I went on to study business the last three years in college, deep down I knew I would never use the business degree in a traditional job setting. But I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t want to go back home because there was nothing there for me. I didn’t attempt to apply for disability when I was diagnosed because I had no idea how bad this illness really was. I thought it was something that, while chronic, could be easily managed with medication and counseling. I couldn’t have been more wrong. The illness made traditional employment impossible. Since I don’t come from an uber rich family, I couldn’t live off a trust fund and privately pay for my medications and therapy. I went on disability because, well, I had no other option. I stay on disability because blogging and internet research doesn’t pay the bills.
Some people think that because I’m on disability I just sit around, watch porn, drink beer, and vape nicotine all day. Not so. Even my parents have no clue how much internet research I do when it comes to science, technology, and other academic topics I always wanted to study in school but simply didn’t have the time to. Since I have a disability pension, escaped college with one business degree and zero debt, and haven’t had a credit card debt in years, I can afford the life I want.
Right now, at this point in my life, I want to be the independent scholar writing a few blog posts every week and spending my evenings chatting with fellow science and tech enthusiasts. It wasn’t the kind of life I wanted even ten years ago. Back then I was working twenty hours a week, writing drafts for novels, making outlines for possible science fiction worlds, writing poetry every day, and studying philosophers ranging from Aristotle to Francis Bacon to Neitchze. I did the regular work world while on disability because it could be done. Got that out of my system after a few years and moved onto my current life as a blogger and scholar.
Where will I be in another five or ten years? I don’t know. But I don’t have to know. I just know I have probably faced the worst of what my schizophrenia has to offer and have survived into middle age. I have gained a few skills that, while not paying the bills, keep me busy and make me interesting. I don’t often tell people I’m on disability, but they seem quite envious when I tell them that I’m a freelance writer. My bank account will never make anyone forget the Rothschild family, but it doesn’t have to. As long as I can buy food, keep my rent up to date, keep my internet paid for, stay out of debt, and have enough left over to buy some basic clothing every few months, I’m happy with where I am at. I don’t need a ton of money or a prestigious career or a large family to justify my existence. If there is a Judgement that the dead have to face for their deeds and misdeeds in life, I doubt the Divine Judge will be looking at anyone’s W-2 forms or 401(k). He who dies with the most toys is still dead. He just doesn’t have to witness his kids and grandkids squander the inheritance his decades of toil and stress made possible. Hard work probably never killed anyone, but neither did taking time to learn things and appreciate nature and human achievement.