Haven’t been writing much lately but that is mainly because I haven’t had much to report. I have been quite stable for weeks. Haven’t had any real bouts of delusion or paranoia. The excessive anger doesn’t come up very often. The hallucinations have subsided for the most part. The ones I do have are more annoying than fear or anger inducing.
I don’t leave my apartment as much as I would like, mainly from the holiday crowds all over the place. It doesn’t help any that many people I know seem to be in perpetual foul moods all the time. It seems the older I get, the less tolerance I have for irritable people. At this point, there is no way I could go back into working in customer service. I can no longer stomach rude and angry people, even if I get paid for it. Money is poor compensation for having to deal with uncivilized behavior all the time.
Even though I spend most of my time alone and at home, I still keep occupied. Been reading a lot of science journals online and watching science programs on youtube and curiosity stream. It’s too bad that more people aren’t interested in science and tech. Both fields are fascinating, especially the last few years with as fast as these fields have been advancing. The sad thing is I wouldn’t know about any of these advances if I didn’t specifically make a point of seeking this information out. The media, at least easily accessible media, really does a poor job informing people to the current state of science and technology. As much as people use these things, I would think people would be interested in hearing about these things. I get that people are naturally drawn to bad news, it’s how we are wired. I must be weird in that I just got tired of hearing about bad news and tragedy all the time and started seeking out what was going right and well. I get enough bad news and negativity just from being mentally ill, I just don’t need outside sources adding to this.
In other news, Christmas is only two weeks away. I readily admit to being tough to shop for as I am a practicing minimalist. I really don’t require that much to keep me occupied and entertained. I’m sure my family doesn’t find it very thrilling that I ask for things like clothes and home decorations. I like electronics, but there are only so many I need as my computers do most of what I need. I don’t need music CDs as I get most of my music through youtube and spotify anymore. I don’t need movie DVDs as I can get everything through amazon and netflix. I have got to say, having a high speed wireless internet connection has really decluttered much of my life. Besides spending money on food, I just don’t spend as much money on miscellaneous things anymore. Maybe the Star Trek economy where money doesn’t really matter that much isn’t three hundred years away. We could be witnessing the early stages of it already.
I may not make much money but I still live what I consider a fulfilled life. I know that many people of my generation and younger lament that many of us don’t have as much money or material possessions as our parents’ generations, but with much of living being digitalized, do we really need the whole four bedroom house with the picket fence and two automobiles in the garage? What my computer and smart phone can do would have been worth millions back in the 1970s. I probably wouldn’t even own a car except for occasional road trips. As it is, I may not have a lot (not by American standards anyway), but I don’t feel lacking or poor. It was just a matter of realizing what’s really important and adjusting accordingly. It’s a pity that it took for myself becoming mentally ill and losing a career to realize all of this.
I’m currently at my parents’ house for a couple days for the Thanksgiving holiday. My brother, his wife, and their four kids are here too. We have seven of us sleeping in the basement but at least I get my old bedroom. That way I can retreat and regroup if need be. But my brothers’ kids are well behaved and old enough they shouldn’t give me many problems.
This is the first time in months I have been back to my old childhood home. A lot has changed in this town since I moved out in 2005. For one, all of my old high school friends have moved away. The cousins that stayed have families of their own. Most of my old teachers have retired or moved to bigger schools. All my grandparents and a couple of my uncles have died. My old grade school was torn down. The retail store I worked in during the summers went out of business. In many ways this isn’t the same town I grew up in during the 80s and 90s. I haven’t been getting back to my parents’ place much the last several years as none of my old friends live around here anymore. In many ways, this is no longer my town. It doesn’t feel like home and it hasn’t for several years.
I bring up growing up and the changes my parents’ place have gone under because, with my mental illness, those years I grew up here seem like someone else’s life. I started having problems with depression and anxiety when I was seventeen. I was doing quite well in school and involved in many different activities. It seemed like I was on the fast track to a career and life of my dreams, at least that was until the depression and anxiety started. Twenty years later, my seventeen year old self wouldn’t even recognize the thirty seven year old man I am now. I imagine my seventeen year old self would have seen who I am today as a failure. Back then I knew nothing of mental illness and disability. Like many teenagers, I also didn’t have as much empathy as many adults who have had their ups and downs, wins and losses.
If nothing else, fighting this mental illness for twenty years has taught me how to have more empathy for people different than myself. It has taught me patience and how to accept things I can’t change. It has taught me that, contrary to popular belief, life isn’t about keeping up with other people. Life is mainly about competing with your self and being the best you that you are capable of being. He who dies with the most toys is just as dead as anyone else in the cemetery.
I haven’t been giving much time to reflecting on the past for the last few years. I have mainly been focused on the present and future possibilities. I normally have little use for nostalgic thoughts. But I’m sure having them now that I’m at my childhood home for the first time in months. I guess the nostalgia has shown me how much I lost because of this mental illness. Yet, in spite of the life that never was, I think I still have a great deal to stay alive for. I’m interested to see what the next twenty years in this life of mental illness will show me. I can only guess what changes will have come by the time 2037 rolls in.
I’ve been feeling quite well the last several days. I make it a point a socialize with at least one neighbor per day. I still call my parents twice a week on average. Other than running errands and a couple doctors’ appointments this week, I’ve stayed pretty close to home. It’s been colder than usual the last couple weeks, so I’ve pretty much been going to bed earlier and waking up early. I think I finally broke the habit of staying awake most of the night and sleeping in the mornings.
Been avoiding negative news for months now. And I think it’s given me a more positive outlook overall. Most of what I watch anymore are science shows, comedy, and inspirational materials. I am still largely avoiding social media except to occasionally drop in on friends and promote my blog. I just came to the conclusion that the drama involved in most social media isn’t worth the trouble. It does make the nights kind of lonely as facebook used to be a lot of my socializing. But I am adjusting.
Mentally I am stable. I am not sleeping as much as I did during the summers. And I’m not staying up all night either. I think I have found some balance in the kind of schedules I keep. I have made a point of keeping my apartment cleaner than usual. And I have to think that has positively impacted my mental health. I’ve decided I’m regrowing my beard for the winter. Other projects I have this winter include rereading some of the old philosophy books I read years ago in college. I may watch more classic movies too this winter. I don’t really have any plans for the next couple weeks. I’m going back to my parents’ place for Thanksgiving. I am definitely not doing the Black Friday shopping nonsense. I do all my shopping from my computer anymore. I don’t plan on going out shopping this Christmas but I will probably watch a few Christmas movies. It’s A Wonderful Life and Christmas Story are my two all time favorites.
It’s been almost a week since my psych breakdown. I’ve pretty much put the pieces back together. I’m going to bed earlier and have given up all caffeine for the last few days. I do sleep a lot again and I do occasionally get minor headaches. I hope the headaches are more from stress than caffeine withdrawal.
I do get out of my apartment a little everyday. I bought groceries and gas over the weekend. Had been putting that off for too long. Since the weather has turned cool I have been eating a lot of higher carb things like spaghetti and rice. I always did better in colder weather than the heat of the summer. I always did enjoy hunkering under a blanket and reading for hours on end.
I’m still reading many science and tech sites. Some days I have to remind myself that things like this are being attempted in the here and now all over the world and that it’s not a sci fi tv series. I saw things like driverless cars, urban farming, and portable computers only in comic books as a kid in the 1980s. Even our natural disasters, we are able to predict major storms days in advanced and organize rescue and humanitarian aid within hours. As bad as these recent hurricanes, forest fires, and earthquakes have been, in past eras they could have been much worse. I don’t know if I’m being overly optimistic, but I have spent much of my early years being a pessimist. I gave pessimism up once I figured out that most of what I worried about was more manageable then I previously thought. Anxiety is often worse than the actual problem itself.
Overall I’m feeling pretty decent considering how rough last week turned out. Even though I leave my apartment everyday, I don’t socialize much in person. I try to avoid social media as I have found some of my friends and family I enjoy talking to are now avoiding it too. I have enough going on in my schizophrenia stressed mind to deal with anyone else’s problems. I have to take care of myself before I can help out anyone.
Been several days since I last wrote. An update is in order. I’m still sleeping more than I would like. To see if I can change this around, I’m starting to sleep in a recliner. When I slept in my recliner because of back pains, I would usually be awake shortly after sunrise and sleep only 6 to 7 hours per night. As it is now, I have been sleeping 10 to 14 hours a night for much of the summer. Something has to change. Mentally I have been feeling well for months. Since late summers are usually the toughest time of year for me, I have been reluctant to change much this summer. As good as I have been feeling lately I haven’t wanted to change my meds or routines. But this sleeping twelve hours a day and being up most of the night can’t be kept up. My social life is hurting because of it and I haven’t been outside of my hometown all summer. I have to make some changes.
I think some of my neighbors may be worried about me considering how little I socialize in my complex and how I often sleep during the days. I try to keep out of peoples’ ways and keep to myself most days lately. This is a change as I used to be more social than I am now. I think I don’t socialize much mainly because of the paranoia I still sense when I’m around large groups of people or out in public. Even though I have much of the depression and hallucinations of schizophrenia taken care of, I still deal with some paranoia and social anxiety. I haven’t dealt with this level of social anxiety in several years like what I’m dealing with now. Sometimes I’m even too anxious to run regular errands like buying groceries until I absolutely need to. Needless to say, this isn’t healthy. And with winter coming up, I’m just going to have to break out of this anxiety somehow and start buying more than a few days worth of food at a time. Some winters we can get big blizzards that will shut things down for a couple days. And of course ice storms also make traveling during the winter tough. So I think I have no choice but to “feel the fear and do it anyway” and just start stocking up for when the weather turns cold in a couple months. Fortunately I tend to be more stable in the winter and spring than summer and early autumn.
I haven’t had a regular counselor for several months. Not because I was upset with my counselor or anything like that. It’s just that I got stable enough I didn’t think I really needed it. Mentally I’m stable and have been for months. I still face some social anxiety and do feel anxious about driving somedays. That’s the big reason I haven’t left my hometown all summer.
One of the good things about living as an adult with mental illness that I didn’t have in my late teens when this mental illness was just getting started is that I can still keep in contact with people real easy as opposed to twenty years ago. I may sometimes rant about the abuses that people do with their Facebook and twitter accounts, but they are still good ways to keep in touch with people from my high school, college, and extended family. I definitely regretted not going to my family reunion this summer, especially since my mother and father were the main hosts. But the anxiety was that strong. I know the anxiety exists in my brain and mind but the mind is strong enough that it can make anxiety real enough to be crippling in some cases. I have friends who have problems with anxiety and depression too. It breaks my heart that I often can’t do much to help them out other than being a sounding board and listen to them. I tend to be a problem solver by nature, but sometimes things like depression, anxiety, and mental illness simply don’t have immediate solutions.
Been having weird sleep patterns the last couple weeks. Most nights I’m up really late, sometimes until sunrise. Then I’ll often sleep until noon and then again nap a couple hours in the late afternoons. Even though this odd sleep pattern is hurting my social life, I still feel mentally stable. It could be these sleep pattern changes are helping me cope with a traditionally tough time of year for myself. As it is I now usually do my grocery shopping and errands after sunset but no longer in the overnight hours like I used to. I prefer to stay home most nights and weekends anymore. I do most of my socializing by phone or Facebook. But I still feel like some things are missing by not meeting people in person.
Watched some baseball and opening weekend college football this weekend. Found out that my old high school live streams it’s football games on it’s Twitter account. So I got to see my old team play and I didn’t even have to leave my house. I wonder how many other high schools do that. So this was my first decent sports fix after weeks of living mainly off baseball.
I sleep well, but it’s when I sleep well that’s a problem. Anymore I tend to be my most awake when the rest of my apartment complex is asleep. I stay quiet, so much so that sometimes my neighbors never know when I’m home. But mentally I’m still stable. Physically I think I’ve lost a few pounds. This is a pleasant surprise because I haven’t been as physically active as previous summers. So I just cut back on what I eat. I usually eat two large meals a day that are rich in proteins and green vegetables like peas or green beans. I drink lots of water too. Sometimes if I’m feeling hungry I’ll have a large glass of water and wait. If I’m still hungry after about thirty minutes I’ll find a snack. But I don’t eat much sugar or bread. I do eat rice occasionally as it’s cheap, goes good with almost anything, and easy to make.
It’s been a long summer for me, but at least not a bad one. Fall is only a few weeks away and school is starting again. I’ve been feeling well this summer even if I have been real careful about what I do and who I interact with. Only a few more weeks and the nights will be longer and the weather will be cooling. I can hardly wait.
Have had my days and nights backwards for the last couple weeks. Been getting most of my sleep in the mornings and staying up most of the night. Yet, it doesn’t seem to be negatively effecting my mental stability. If anything this has been the most stable summer I’ve had in years. Granted this sleeping during the days while being up most of the night is putting a cramp on my social life. But I didn’t have much of a social life to start with. So I spend much of my nights listening to audiobooks on youtube. I listen to mostly non fiction science books and some science fiction. I still don’t watch much tv. I’m not even really that excited about football season this year. But I am looking forward to cooler weather. I am glad I have made it through most of the summer with no real problems.
Perhaps I am having fewer problems because I socialize less than I have in previous months and years. I leave my apartment only to run errands and even then I make it a point to run them in the early mornings or late nights to avoid crowds. I have made a point of avoiding angry, irritable, and rude people in person and online. Of course this does limit how many people I hear from or talk to. I really don’t talk to many people anymore, mainly my family and a few friends. Sure it gets kind of lonely but fortunately the loneliness doesn’t last long. I’m glad I don’t have to rely on other people to keep me entertained. Sometimes I am my own best company.
In spite not socializing much I am still optimistic overall. I haven’t been outside of my hometown much this summer. But anymore with the internet, I can still keep in contact with friends and family. And I can keep myself occupied with free audiobooks, free online courses, and free music online. I would have had to spent thousands of dollars for the things I have read or listened to online just fifteen years ago. And I can get all this for a dollar a day in internet service fees. And I love it. I wouldn’t trade living here and now (unless I could be wisked a couple hundred years into the future and be exploring strange new worlds like Star Trek). And I have some of my family members and a few of my friends to be the same way. My best friend from high school (whom I’m still great friends with) loves speculating on future science and social trends when she’s not discussing Game of Thrones. But I guess she gets tired of me talking about baseball and computer games, so that makes us even. My thirteen year old nephew is going to be working with robotics and 3D printers this year in his junior high. And to think I was impressed with the old Apple II GS when I was growing up. I often joke with my niece and nephews that they might not need drivers’ licenses. Now it’s looking like even I might not need a drivers’ license in ten years. Wouldn’t hurt my feelings that much. Sure we don’t have flying cars like Back To The Future said we would, but even that movie didn’t predict the Internet boom, smart phones, or renewable energy starting to become affordable. I wouldn’t even have cable tv except it comes with my apartment.
What I’m getting at is that right now in 2017, despite the bad news we’re constantly hearing on the news channels and our online news feeds, we’re still living in some pretty cool times. It is, in many ways, a good time to be an average person. Sure I may not be able to ever afford a house like my parents or brother. But I don’t need a large house in an affluent suburb with the picket fence and two car garage. I can currently live quite well just in the apartment in the small college town I’m in. I currently don’t need much to live a decent standard of living that even the kings and industrialists of 1900 couldn’t have imagined. It is not, however, a good time to be a control freak or spiteful hate monger. We’re always probably going to have problems like these but, unlike in past eras, the overwhelming general consensus is that being a dictator or hateful person are bad things. For most of civilization’s history, the idea of the ‘divine right of royalty’ or having hatred of people different from your own little group was pretty much unquestioned by the vast majority of people. We have made progress as a species. And we will continue to make progress even if people take it for granted or don’t pay attention to it. The only reason that we don’t hear about the good going on is simply because good news doesn’t sell. Good news doesn’t sell only because we as a species are not wired to pay much attention to good news.