Finding Happiness in 2020

Even though I don’t socialize much in person anymore, I try my best to stay connected to family and friends. Talked with my parents over FaceTime this morning. My dad had a check up on his heart and he does not need stints or surgery. He is joining a neighborhood gym as he wants to get more active again. I started lifting weights again on a regular basis last week. Even after a few sessions I can feel the strength and endurance starting to return.

In bad news, two of my friends in Omaha tested positive for covid. They are under quarantine for the next two weeks. They aren’t able to work and they sleep most of the time. One friend is a delivery man so he obviously can’t be going anywhere until this clears. Fortunately they seem to be doing better now than a few days ago. I imagine eventually I’ll catch this too. I just hope it’s mild. Even though I’m only 40, I am overweight and mentally ill.

Got some groceries coming this morning. I’m rebuilding my winter supplies. The leaves are starting to change in my hometown. I usually have my windows open during the day but run the furnace at night as it’s starting to get chilly after dark.

I’ve been forcing myself out of my apartment a couple times a day for almost a week now. Sometimes it is as simple as just standing in the hallway for a few minutes. Sometimes I’ll even set up a chair in my doorway so I can sit and try to chat with whomever shows up.

I nap more during the days. I am usually my most active in late mornings and overnights these days. My sleep patterns can change with the seasons and they change if my illness changes too. Haven’t had any serious breakdowns for a few weeks. I still have minor flare ups at least once or twice per day. They don’t usually last long. I have gotten to where I can just let them pass and not feel bad they happen.

I have a couple packages from amazon coming this afternoon. I imagine kids growing up today look forward to the amazon delivery man as much as I did going to the mall when I was growing up.

Changed the parts on my cpap machine yesterday. Slept really well last night. I try to change out the parts a few times a year just to keep the machine properly working.

I don’t have much else planned for the rest of the week. My cleaning lady arrives on Thursday afternoon. I like her. She engages me in conversation while she works. I usually just stay sat down and out of her way while she cleans. I supply the cleaning agents and she does the rest. And she at least tolerates my eccentric sense of humor 🙂

Avoiding Social Interactions

Been pretty stable lately. I imagine much of this is due to avoiding news sites and negative people. I’ve also all but abandoned social media. I have only a handful of people I even try to contact on facebook. If it weren’t for them, I would have cancelled my account years ago. I no longer comment on youtube videos or anywhere else. People are just so mean and angry all the time. It makes for a lonely existence some days. I get told all the time I need to socialize and reach out to people. There is no point to socialize and reach out if these people just make you feel worse. I’m too tired and burned out to argue about stupid crap that doesn’t matter. Anymore I feel happier when I am not forced to socialize. So much for people coming together during times of crisis. I refuse to give negative and rude people any time or effort or second chances anymore. If you can’t figure out that being angry and rude to people isn’t helpful by now, it’s never going to happen.

Labor Day Weekend

With the Labor Day weekend upon us, the seasons will be changing again soon. Got a ballgame on in the background. First football game I’ve seen live since the start of the pandemic. I am ready for some resemblance of normal again. Ordered some chicken wings and I’ll be watching football all day. One of my friends is hosting his in laws this weekend and smoking several pounds of pork for the weekend. Weather is supposed to start cooling off in a few days. Mentally, I’ve always done better in cooler weather.

In addition to American football, I’ve been watching some of the UEFA tournament the last few days. It’s usually on in the mornings here in USA. Makes me long for the Olympics next summer. I’ll be glad when the vaccines are perfected and the pandemic burns out. 2020 has been a trying year for most people. At least I can stay connected via internet.

Maintaining Mental and Physical Well Being During A Pandemic

It’s the middle of August.  The weather is still quite hot, so I spend most of my time indoors with a fan running.  Overall I’m feeling stable and content.  I think it helps that I avoid irritable and rude people as much as possible.  I’m now at least a week into giving up coffee.  I’ve replaced it with black tea.  I feel less irritable and paranoid.  I think the caffeine effects me more negatively now than it did even a couple years ago.  I used to drink over six cups of coffee a day with no problems.  Those days aren’t coming back.

I am staying up later and waking up later now.  I usually go to bed at midnight and wake for good at 9am now.  I usually eat only twice a day, with my biggest meal usually being lunch.  I think I’ve lost weight during this pandemic.  I know my clothes fit better and I recover from aches and pains faster.  And I usually make a point to leave my apartment several days a week, even if it’s something as simple as going to the library on my floor or picking up my mail.

As far as my diet goes, I have given up most sugar and carbs.  I eat mostly meat, canned vegetables, soups, etc.  I seem to be less lethargic and irritable with this diet.  I almost never eat bread or pasta anymore.

Had my prescription medications renewed at my last psych doctor’s appointment a couple weeks ago.  We did a teleconference.  So my meds are taken care of for another few months.  Since I get them mailed to my home, I don’t even need to go to the pharmacy anymore.  I do most of my shopping online these days.  If I need anything from a store that doesn’t deliver, I can usually sweet talk one of my neighbors or my cleaning lady to pick it up.

My cleaning lady is back to work.  She had to had surgery two months ago.  Yesterday was her first day back.  I’m glad to see her again.  I get a cleaned home and some conversation while she’s here.  She’s real chatty so she actually likes chatting when she works.  I usually just sit in my recliner and stay out her way when she works.

Overall I’m doing alright in spite the pandemic and economic woes, at least for now.  I’m hopeful as there are several possibilities for vaccines in trials right now.  And we didn’t even know what covid 19 was one year ago.  It’s quite amazing how fast researchers were able to get that work done.  I know some of my friends don’t take covid 19 as seriously as they should, saying things like “it’s not the Black Death.”  Thank God it isn’t.

Quarantine Journal: July 20, 2020

Had some work done by maintenance in my apartment this afternoon.  So that is taken care of.  Bought some groceries over the weekend.  So I’m set for the next several days.  Been getting out of the apartment at least once a day for the last several days.  Reading a couple e books right now.  Working on Wealth of Nations and Count of Monte Cristo.  I read both of these years ago.  But I thought I’d re read them.

Besides the maintenance workers, my neighbors came and visited a couple times over the weekend.  They were kind enough to make dinner last night.  I provided the meat and they did the rest.  We had bratwursts and fried potatoes.  They usually cook for me and a few other people at least once a week.

Keeping in contact with friends and family a little every day.  A friend of mine is losing hours at her job as her company is struggling due to the pandemic and economic problems.  Another friend of mine and his wife are expecting their second child any day now.  A third friend of mine is back to working at the office in her job.  She had been working from home for the last few months.  My brother and his family are in the process of moving to a different house in the same town they live in.  My oldest nephew just got his drivers’ license a few days ago.

Baseball games will be starting in a few days here in the U.S.  I’m glad to see this.  I had been watching Italian and English soccer most days to get my sports fix.  It’s weird seeing games played in empty arenas.

Overall I’m weathering the summer well.  I don’t watch the news much.  I sometimes watch Bloomberg Business but not much else.  And I still sleep alright.

July 12 2020

Haven’t been spending as much time on social media lately.  Been reading too much negative news and it was starting to get to me.  I usually reserve it for keeping in contact with close friends and family these days.  It was just draining me and discouraging.  I am needing a few days off, at least.

Been staying home for the most part.  With the increase in the number of covid cases in my country, it’s probably best to avoid crowds if possible.  Fortunately my home state has seemed to have avoided the worst so far.  But I am convinced this is far from over.

Listening to audiobooks a lot lately.  Finished a couple Robert Kiyosaki finance books over the last couple weeks.  I like economics almost as much as I do science and tech.  I had a brilliant economics instructor in college who got me hooked on the topic.  May not have ever used much of it in the workplace, but it has helped in my personal finances and my general understanding of the world around me.  Thinking about rereading some of the philosophy books I read back in my twenties.  Emerson and Nietchze were a couple of my personal favorites.

Been trying on some of my winter clothing to see if I need to replace anything before it gets cold again.  To my pleasant surprise, most of my old clothes fit better than they did last winter.  I don’t know if I’ve actually lost weight, but I am pretty sure I haven’t gained any since the end of last winter.

Changed up my diet some.  Eating more fresh fruits and vegetables.  Every two weeks at my complex, I get a box of fresh vegetables and fruits.  Have for the last several weeks.  Sadly I can’t get it all eaten before it goes bad.  But I give some of it to my neighbors who do lots of cooking.  I had forgotten how much I enjoy fresh carrots, apples, and potatoes.

I still sleep more than normal.  But I am staying up later and napping more during the afternoons.  For the last few months I usually went to bed around 10pm and woke up for good at sunrise.  Last several nights I’ve been up until midnight and woke at 8am.  I don’t have much for aches and pains even in the mornings anymore.  If I am careful about how fast I get out of bed in the mornings and how much I stretch during the days, I can avoid the worst.  I still force myself to stand up at least once an hour so my muscles don’t get tight.  I don’t run my air conditioner as cold as I tend to be less stiff if I keep my house a few degrees warmer than I used to.  I’ve gotten more sensitive to the cold in the last couple years.  Cold didn’t use to bother me much.  It does now.

I have a teleconference with my psych doctor coming in a couple weeks.  I have been pretty stable overall this summer.  Usually the summers are the toughest for me.  I think it helps that I avoid most news and negative people.  I may not have much for social life, but it is less stressful this way.  I have always been an introvert.  But I am not anti social.  I am just anti pointless drama.

Been hotter than usual since at least Memorial Day.  So I am ready for autumn and cooler weather.  Still have at least another two months of hot weather.  And the school year will be starting again in a month or so.  Will be interesting to see how the school year is impacted with the continuing pandemic.

Hermiting, Covid 19, and Schizophrenia

Been isolating and staying home for the last several days.  I do all my communication through social media and phone calls.  My cleaning lady had to have surgery so she’s out for probably a few months.  My neighbors come by and help out every few days.  Overall I’m burned out on dealing with people in person.  People actually scare me anymore.  The less I deal with them, at least in person, the better.

Currently working on audiobooks.  Recently listened to The Economic Singularity by Callum Chase.  Currently working on The Rise of The Robots by Martin Ford.  A friend of mine is trying to talk me into reading the Dune and Foundation series.  I read the first Foundation a year ago.  But I got soured on science fiction as a teenager when movies like The Terminator, Gattaca, and The Matrix were really big.  I have enough dystopia in my own life.  Why in the hell would I want to escape to that?  Recently read 21 Lessons for the 21st Century and Homo Deus by Yuval Noah Harrahi.

I spend almost all of my time avoiding people.  These are real scary times for me, especially living in low income housing, being on disability, and dealing with mostly angry, irrational, and illogical people.  It seems like most people I personally know just want to fight all the time.  I’m through with that.  I’m ready to move past the anger phase.  Too bad almost no one I know is.  I am thankful I don’t live in a large city.  I am thankful I can hermit and stay home.  I am thankful I don’t have to deal with angry and stupid people anymore than I already have to.  I don’t see how most people can deal with this.  I know I couldn’t.

June 16 2020

Been real hot since Memorial Day.  Got some good rain also.  So at least it isn’t completely unbearable.  I have slept quite a bit the last two days, mostly out of boredom.

Sunday, June 14 was my birthday.  My parents came up for that.  Brought in lunch from a deli in one of the local supermarkets.  Pulled pork, mashed potatoes, mixed vegetables, and chocolate cake were excellent choices.  I was glad they were able to make it up here.  I was originally worried about them getting exposed to the virus while travelling.  But they took precautions.  I wear face masks whenever I answer my door and pick up deliveries.  My dad joked that I may have been ahead of the curve when it came to getting groceries and supplies delivered to my house.  Been getting groceries delivered for a few years now.  Not many people did this when I first started, at least not in my town.  But even in the small college community I live in here in Nebraska, it’s catching on.

Had a short breakdown a week ago.  I always hate those.  I feel bad that I rant and rave to my family during those.  I do remember much of what I say during those breakdowns.  But it’s almost like the impulse controls are no longer working.  I feel sick that I take my frustrations out on family.  I’ve had only one breakdown in public, that was five years ago when I yelled at a young cashier.  I immediately apologized but I still felt so bad I stayed out of that store for over a month.  I guess I don’t understand people who take out frustrations on customer service workers.  Maybe I just have a big heart or just have more sympathy than some because I used to work in customer service.  Thankfully I’ve never had a breakdown around my brother’s children.  I love those kids and they are the last people I want to hurt.

Memorial Day Weekend 2020

Been feeling pretty decent overall the last few days.  My neighbors hosted a cookout.  We had barbecued pork.  It was exactly what I needed.  Been having fewer aches and pains the last several days.  My parents bought me some new furniture.  My new recliner is several inches higher than my previous ones.  It feels good to finally have a chair where I’m not sitting so low.  Getting in low chairs was never a problem, but getting out was becoming a problem with my sore knees.

Still sleeping more.  I often sleep during the days.  I sometimes wake up for a couple hours in the overnight.  Mentally I feel more stable.  I saw my parents and my brother last week.  I hadn’t seen my brother in a couple years.  It was good to touch base with him.  We weren’t really close as kids.  But at least we are making up for that as adults.

Self Quarantine: May 16 2020

Had my parents and my brother as guests the last couple days.  Got a new recliner and my home was redecorated.  My new chair feels so good.  I think I could sleep in it if I wanted.  It feels good to have my paintings and flags rehung.  The walls looked barren the last several weeks with nothing up.

Been getting lots of rain the last few days.  I have my blinds open all the time to let sunshine in, at least whatever we can get.  The weather has turned warmer.  I’m glad winter is over.

Sleeping better the last few nights.  Been napping more too.  Spent much of today sleeping as I was awake late last night.  I get lots of sleep even if it is at odd hours.  And I don’t feel as stiff and sore when I wake up now.

Was feeling more paranoid and depressed until a few days ago.  Since the middle of the week, things have been more bearable.  The last two days with my family went excellent.

Got some groceries yesterday.  About the only thing I have problems getting now is ground beef.  Things are slowly starting to open back up.  The restaurants and bars in my town are reopening on the 18th of May.  I hope that those who lost jobs during the pandemic either get them back or find something better.