Unfortunately my cell phone malfunctioned and quit working a couple days ago. But thanks to email and social media, I was able to get in touch with my family and tell them what happened and see if I can get a replacement. After several messages back and forth, I am able to get a replacement sent to my house within a few days. I still have a bit of a fear of large crowds and driving, so that is why I am unable to get this done in person. But, I had back ups via email and social media to get in touch with people who can help me out in this problem. And the kicker is my family wasn’t at their house at the time. They were able to arrange all of this via their own phones while at a family reunion in a small Colorado town hundreds of miles from their home. Quite amazing what be accomplished, not only just by asking trusted family and friends, but when you tie support in with modern communication tech. Thanks dad, mom, and everyone else who made this possible. There is no why I can pay you back. So I have to “pay it forward” and help others out when they are in distress. In short, it pays to have a good support system, whether they are understanding family, close friends, counselors, social workers, home health aides, etc. We as humans were never meant to be everything to ourselves. That was true in the Stone Age and it’s even more true now in the early 21st century. I guess this could be marked up to a positive story about how good social media and communication tech can be when used properly. Thank you Mr. Zuckerberg 🙂
Have felt quite decent the last several days. I have been getting adequate sleep and leaving my apartment for longer periods of time. I’m keeping my apartment less cluttered lately. It doesn’t take my cleaning person as long to do her job these days. Maybe after several months of adjustments and regular maintenance I’m getting on top of hanging issues. I haven’t had much for flare ups or anxiety for over a week now. First time in months I can claim that.
I think I don’t feel much for anxiety or depression anymore is for a handful of reasons. For one, if I don’t feel like socializing I don’t do it. I don’t socialize unless I want to. Granted it means sometimes going entire days without talking to anyone. Which is alright with me. Some of my happiest times came when I was alone and allowed to read, write, and research answers to my questions without input from anyone else. And I no longer feel guilty for not wanting to socialize. Sometimes I will let the phone ring if I’m not in the mood to talk. Sometimes I’m just not in the mood to interrupt my tasks to listen to a sales pitch, or take a phone survey, or listen to my friends complain about how much their jobs suck, or about something my retired parents heard from one of their neighbors or saw on tv.
Sometimes I just don’t want to be interrupted. And most of the time mundane crap like talking about the weather, politics, the latest episode of Game of Thrones or The Kardashians, how work is going, or how my favorite sports teams are on a losing streak doesn’t interest me much. Yet most people I know want to talk about these things. Want to talk about it, okay: The weather is cloudy and humid. Politicians can’t solve technical and social problems and aren’t the gods mass media and party members make them to be and never were. Game of Thrones really laid an egg on their farewell season and angered millions of fans all over the world, including many of my closest friends. The Kardashians are famous just for being rich, pretty, and famous. Come back when they invent nuclear fusion or safe artificial super intelligence. Most people hate their jobs and work them only for the money (which isn’t that good in most cases anyway). My Huskers have had three losing seasons in the last four years but hopefully the young hotshot we have as a coach can get us winning again and the Rockies are barely breaking even and probably won’t win the pennant. I discussed all of that in less than a minute. No need to rehash it. Let’s move on.
Of course this doesn’t make me popular with my neighbors or family. Then I’ve never been popular. Popular is lowest common denominator. Popular is mundane. Popular doesn’t change the world for the better. Popular doesn’t catch the attention. Popular isn’t thought provoking. Popular is boring. Popular sucks because it stands for nothing, has no feeling, has no courage, has no magic, and inspires no one to their highest nature and capacities. I don’t care about popular. I care about making people think. And if it makes my friends, family, readers, critics, etc. angry and uncomfortable, so be it. I’d rather be persecuted for being beneficial to people than honored for catering to the base nature of our humanity.
I know I have been more short tempered and irritable than usual lately. But even with the attacks of anxiety and irritability I’ve been having lately (along with my strong desire to just stay home and sleep) I am still grateful for many things. I thought I would publish a list of what I am thankful for, if for no other reason, even mental illness allows me to see the good in things at times. So here goes
Things I am grateful for
Being Able to Read and Write
Having Access to History’s Knowledge and Wisdom via the Internet
The Bill of Rights
People Who Attempt to Right the Wrongs of Life
Bacon and Chicken Alfredo Pasta
Red Seedless Grapes
Rain Storms (minus the floods and hail)
Friendship (or the family I’m not blood relation to as I call it)
Soap (vastly underrated as far as I’m concerned)
Home Delivery Services
The Ability to Socialize Without Leaving the Comfort of My House via communications tech
The Ability to Drive A Car But Living in a Time and Place Where I Don’t Have To As Much as even Five Years Ago
Greek Yogurt (I’m especially keen on Honey and Vanilla flavors)
Watching College Football on Chilly Fall Afternoons
Watching Baseball on Warm Sumer evenings
Getting Out of College Debt Free
Knowing That Sometimes It’s Okay To Take The Loss And Regroup (had to do this when I applied for disability once it became clear I couldn’t support myself by a job because of the illness)
The sci fi stories of Issac Asimov
The horror stories of H.P. Lovecraft
The Cosmos Series (both the Carl Sagan and Neil deGrasse Tyson versions)
Watching Science and Tech talks on Youtube
My tech enthusiasts groups on Facebook
The friends I had in high school I still have twenty years after graduation.
The friends I had in college I still have fifteen years after graduation.
Being Able to Ask For Help and The Realizations That It Doesn’t Make Me Incompetent or Unmanly to Do So
Seeing Things I Hoped and Worked For Come Into Being
I Can Live Healthier, Better Informed, Better Educated, Better Fed, etc. than even the Kings of the Renaissance and the Industrial Magnates of one hundred years ago (yet still be considered below the poverty line by 2019 standards)
People Solving Problems Even If We Don’t Hear About It
The Unsung Heroes (doctors, nurses, craftspeople, emergency personnel, good mothers and fathers, good kids who may not be straight A students or star athletes or high achievers, artists who make good work but are never known beyond friends and family, self employed business people who provide valuable service to their neighborhoods but never make it ‘wealthy’, etc.)
Small Changes Can Make A Large Difference Given Enough Time
These are just some I could mention just here and now. This is not intended to be a complete list. It’s important to remember some perspective sometimes when we get too deep into the day to day struggles that we forget what has already been achieved and won.
Spring is here finally. Mentally feeling good for the most part. I sometimes have flare ups of paranoia and irritability, but fortunately those quickly pass. I have noticed that as I have made changes to my diet and sleep patterns, the bouts of paranoia and irritability get less severe and easier to deal with.
Been lifting weights and eating healthier for three weeks. I’m starting to notice some positive changes. I find myself eating less overall. I lost most of my cravings for sugar and carbs. Some days, like today, I don’t eat meat (big change for me). On days like this I get my protein from things like peanuts and beans. I haven’t eaten fast food in months even though I live within walking distance of at least six restaurants. And I used to eat fast food three times per week. It just doesn’t do it for me anymore. It just leaves me feeling weighed down and lethargic. I feel the same way about soda pop. I have cut back on my caffeine to where I usually have only one or two cups of coffee in the morning and that is it.
Anymore I try not to spend much time on social media except to chat with people. I almost never look at other people’s profiles, preferring to chat via groups or personal messaging. It has helped lower my anxiety and irritability. Besides, I have no need to know everything even my best friends and family do on a minute to minute basis. It seems like many people I know aren’t as active on social media as previously. But, I have always preferred quality to quantity in terms of conversations. Just because I can know something about even friends doesn’t mean I want to. Some things I am just not interested in. I just don’t have enough time or energy to respond to things I like, let alone everything else. I don’t get mad over every piece of advertisements I get in my mail box (and most of what I get in the mail anymore is junk mail), so I feel the same way anymore about when my friends or family post things that I am not interested in. I rarely post comments on youtube or twitter anymore, let alone read comment sections. I just don’t have time to. I’m too busy finding things I enjoy and doing things I like to engage with people I’ll probably never meet. When I do engage with people I’ll never meet, it’s over shared interests and I try to act as if I’m talking to these people over a cup of coffee in person rather than just behind a computer screen and keyboard. My online interactions have become more enjoyable and civil once I tricked myself into believing I have having these conversations with someone sitting in the same room with me. It doesn’t always work, but my online interactions are less contentious and stressful than even three years ago.
My parents moved to Oklahoma City area a few months ago to be closer to the grandkids. They seem to be adapting to suburb life well. They joined a large church where they have lots of opportunities to socialize even outside of Sunday church services. And my dad, being a bit of a handy man from his youth on a farm, is absolutely thrilled that he lives only a few minutes drive from stores like Home Depot and Lowe’s. Mom is talking about planting a few trees and getting a garden going in the new backyard. Meanwhile, here in Nebraska we haven’t been above freezing point for over two weeks. But I guess as I learned from my brother who has worked in Oklahoma City area for twenty years now, that far south seems to get spring almost a month ahead of me where I’m at. I have been quite envious of how their winters are milder than ours (and my friends from Minnesota say the same about my winters) but I will be grateful that my summers won’t be as rough as theirs. I imagine I’ll eventually relocate to Oklahoma myself. It’s just a matter of time and doing the Social Security transfer paperwork.
Overall I am happy for my parents in their retirement years. I was worried about how they would adapt to retirement when my mom retired from the hospital and my dad sold his practice. They didn’t socialize as much as many people, at least not outside of family and church. My mom was on the town’s library board of directors and my dad was on the local school board back in the 90s and early 2000s. He got to sign my brother and I’s high school diploma. I did hear of a few examples of 18 year old high school seniors got elected to their local school boards and got to sign their own diplomas.
I guess I have gotten past the fact that I can’t just get in the car and go visit them on a whim like I could when they lived only a couple hours away. But then, I just don’t travel as much as I used to mainly because I no longer need to. I even recently signed up for grubhub.com, so participating fast food places in my hometown can deliver food to my house now. I now special order my clothing through a big and tall men’s webpage and they mail my orders to my door. Sure it is more expensive than Wal Mart or the old K-Mart, but the selection is much better and the clothes fit much better too. As I always had odd sizes. Before I hit puberty I was quite tall but really skinny. Never been anything between being overweight and really skinny it seems.
If I don’t feel like venturing out of my house, there are a couple places in my hometown that can deliver groceries, sometimes even same day delivery if I order in the early morning. I get most of my prescription medications sent through the mail now. One of my college friends joked with me that if he used my setups, the only times he would need to leave his house would be to go to work, get maintenance and gas for his car, and to buy his occasional beer. He may have been joking but that is about the reality for myself.
And now many jobs can be done from home now via telecommuting. I imagine it’s only a matter of time before this truly takes off. I have a cousin and his wife that can do most of their work from home if they so chose. The only time I need to go to my bank is to buy quarters for laundry and visit the ATM machine. I do all my blogging from my leather recliner (which was delivered from a local furniture store) in my living room. I have friends who take free online courses (not for college credits though) through MIT. I use Khan Academy and youtube videos a great deal when I need and want to learn something.
Maybe it will be telecommuting that saves some of these small Midwest and Southern towns that started drying up once farming and manufacturing got more automated and needed fewer human workers. With as bad as rents and housing costs are in the big cities I couldn’t afford to live in a place like San Francisco or New York, let alone Omaha or Kansas City. Maybe telecommuting is what will indirectly solve the affordable housing crisis here in USA. Might even solve the problems of higher education costs getting out of control. It also will cut down down on commuting time, so less air pollution from automobiles even if electric cars weren’t becoming more affordable and easy to find. As strange as it may sound to some people, future generations might look back and write history books about topics like how technology, science, and the open market solved problems like environmental pollution, resource depletion, poverty, and perhaps even end war. I think in some ways (at least much of the stats and data I have personally seen) all of these are beginning to happen.
Even though I don’t socialize in person as much as I used to, I don’t feel any less connected than I did in the past. Sure I do miss physical touch and intimacy, but I have adapted to socialize more online and on phone. I’m currently trying to get face time set up on my computer. But I have adapted to my reality and have found ways around not having much money or living near people with similar interests or not wanting to drive everywhere anymore. There was an old song about having the world on a string. I don’t have that, but I do more or less have the world with a few keystrokes on a computer with wireless internet. I can all my shopping and socializing and I don’t even have to wear shoes if I don’t want to. I can hardly wait until I can get a multi purpose 3D printer I can use in my house as easily as I now use my computer and phone.
Progress does sometimes seem to be slow, at least when we are in the middle of the day to day grinds and stressors. But given the perspective of decades and years, we as a civilizations and species have made an incredible amount of progress just in the last ten years, let alone my lifetime, and certainly let alone since my grandparents were born. All of this I do from home wouldn’t have been possible even in 2000. Yet, growing up in the 1980s the year 2000 was some mythic futurist time. Sheesh, other than fast than light travel, matter replicators, “beem me up Scotty”, computers who act like humans, and contact with life from other planets, we are starting to live much of what science fiction even forty years ago. I have hope. Everyone else should too.
Today, February 14, is Valentine’s Day. I know for some people it’s a reason to buy gifts, go out for dinners, and be romantic. Others are more depressed about not being in a romantic relationship and feeling left out. But since it is a day the world at large takes some time and makes efforts to reflect on the value of romantic love, it is a good an opportunity as any to reflect back on my experiences with romance, dating, and love as a man with schizophrenia.
I am currently unmarried and not in a romantic relationship of any kind. At this point in my life I am content and happy with this setup. This wasn’t always the case though. As a teenage male, I had deeper feelings than many people and often showed my emotions more than many people thought appropriate, especially for a boy. When I was ten years old I broke down crying over a girl I was sweet on who publicly turned me down. It made matters worse in that it was at a school sponsored event attended by my parents. Both my parents made it a point to tell me off in public for crying and being emotional. They told me off again when we got home that night. I never forgot that. It was also the first time in my life I got my heart broken over a girl. Of course it wasn’t the last. Fortunately it did begin to steel my resolve in that yes it hurts getting rejected and shamed in public, but I survived and became stronger because of it.
I had my heart broke again a couple more times in early puberty by being rejected by girls I was interested in spending time with over the next two years. Didn’t sting as bad as the first one but they did make me more resilient with each rejection.
When I was thirteen, I met the girl who would ultimately become my best friend in high school. We hung out a lot, spent time at each other’s houses, traded books and magazines like some kids traded baseball cards, played video games together, and generally did things that friends do together as teenagers. She was home schooled until high school, so she didn’t have the same day to day experiences in junior high I did. I was still being rejected by girls I liked over the next three years, but it got to where I just got numb to it and accepted it as a part of living. Eventually after three years of friendship, I developed romantic feelings for her. We went on several dates, nothing really more formal than just going to dances and the movies. But we were never intimate or even affectionate besides the occasional hugs when one of us was feeling down and depressed. We did kiss a few times. As good as that felt, we both had an unspoken agreement that we wouldn’t pursue a romantic relationship. We just valued the friendship too much. It was a short term painful decision but one in the long term turned out to be a brilliant move.
She moved out of state when we were eighteen. I went off to college at age nineteen a more hopeless romantic than ever even though my mental health problems were beginning. I had a couple slight crushes on a couple girls in my freshman class. So much so that I didn’t recognize that there were at least two other girls who were sweet on me. I didn’t realize it at the time. I thought they were just pleasant and decent people to everyone they met. There was a third girl who came flat out and told me she had feelings for me that weren’t typical friendship but of a romantic nature. But I just didn’t feel the same way. So I explained to her as carefully, tactfully, and honestly as I could that I didn’t feel the same way. And I refused to insult her by acting like I had feelings for her when I didn’t just so I could have a steady date. Acting like you have feelings for someone when you don’t just to be in a relationship or not to hurt their feelings is actually a cruel thing to do, especially long term. Turns out that one girl I had feelings for dated my best friend for a few weeks. That put a damper on my feelings for her though I never forgot her.
Near the end of my freshman year, I met my college sweetheart and started my only really hardcore romantic relationship. We had some great times, had some arguments (like all dating couples), broke up and got back together a couple times, over the course of the next two years. I eventually decided to call off the dating relationship shortly before 9/11 because I could tell my mental illness wasn’t going well with the highs and lows of the dating relationship. For the last three years of college I didn’t date at all. I was polite and decent to everyone I met, had lots of acquaintances I could join study groups with or go to sporting events on campus, but I had only a handful of extremely close friends whom I could do and tell everything to.
After I graduated from college I went back home because, like many college graduates, I didn’t have a job lined up by the time I graduated. I felt embarrassed by this at the time but I would eventually find out I wasn’t alone and this was the new normal. After a few months of working a dead end job, I had enough of my childhood hometown. I realized my career was going nowhere, all my old friends moved away, and I had no prospects for friends or a career in my location. I also didn’t have enough money to move away on my own. I talked to my parents about moving to a larger town. I was immediately shot down because they wouldn’t help me if I didn’t have a job offer in another town. And I previously had several job interviews where I was told they would have hired me if I was local. Made me very angry. I couldn’t relocate because I had no job and I was getting rejected for jobs because I didn’t live nearby.
Finally in February 2005, I lied to my parents about a job offer I had in a town that was only a couple hours away from them but had decent opportunities, a state university, and much better health care. I convinced them to help me move and pay for the deposit on a small apartment. It was a cheap place I could live in as I had a few months of living expenses saved up so I could find a job. It was the first time in my entire life I lied for personal gain rather than protection or privacy reasons. I felt guilty that it had to be that way at the time. But I am so glad I did looking back on it years later. Sometimes breaking the rules and disregarding authority has to be done to do the right thing. Life isn’t as black and white and cut and dry as far too many people make it to be.
For the first couple weeks I was out several hours every day giving my resume and filling out applications to places that would pay me enough to meet my living expenses. I also applied to the local college to take master’s degree classes. I had three job offers and a new job within the first three weeks in my new town, compared to only one in my childhood hometown in the several months I was back home. Location is key, my friends. You can have all the qualifications there are, yet if you are in a location that doesn’t suit those skills, you have to relocate. There are no two ways about it.
I still occasionally asked girls out but still got rejected. I finally had a long distance relationship that went quite well for several months. I surprised her by driving to her hometown on Valentine’s Day 2006. I had just gotten offered a decent job after I lost my job at the college because of my bad grades, which were because of my mental illness really beating me up. The surprise was on me because she had to work a double shift that day. I had to wait several hours before she got home. Fortunately her mother took pity on me and kept me company until she got off work. That was a whirlwind of a relationship. We called it off that summer because we could tell it would never evolve into a marriage. We just had different priorities, values, and interests to make a marriage work. It stung at the time but I’m glad it ended before we got married.
In 2008 I qualified for disability insurance. I had my safety net finally. My life settled down and I didn’t have the highs and lows I did in previous years. I also came to the conclusion I was better off without trying to date or be in a relationship. I am definitely not anti marriage or anti love. I just know with my mental illness, my personality, my values, etc. I would make a lousy boyfriend and husband. I would make a lousy father too and I would feel guilty if I had children who became mentally ill because they inherited it from me. As far as being lonely, that’s why I keep in contact with old friends and stay on good terms with family. I have a much better relationship with my mother and father now in my late thirties than I ever did at any point in my life. Like many children I regarded my parents like superheroes when I was six, clueless buffoons when I was twelve, would be fascist dictators at age seventeen I wanted to be free from, wise counsel and backups at age twenty eight, and now more like myself and close friends now that I am age thirty eight. It’s been a long and strange journey these thirty eight years as a human and these twenty plus as being a man with mental illness.
Even though I have had a mental illness since my teenage years, and was eccentric my entire life, I was still interested in romance and the love of a good woman. Sometimes I had that, many times I didn’t. And as I have aged I have made my peace with what went on in the past. I accept that I can’t change what went on. I also wouldn’t change it if I had that power. I am grateful for my experiences with romance, love, and dating while having a mental illness. It taught me much about myself, mental illness, human nature, and life. I wouldn’t trade any of it. At this point in my life I am content to remain unattached. I don’t know if this will always be the case and I don’t have to know. I know not what tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, or even years from now will bring or how I will develop. I’m just staying open to whatever happens and comes my way.
It’s been a good weekend and I’m looking forward to the start of this new week. Got most of the issues from my last post resolved. Had to focus more than usual and just spend more time than usual resolving things. Being free to fit and fume helped too. Sometimes I just have to get a good rant off my mind and out of my system. I’ve been having as many rants as previously but, fortunately, they have turned into breakdowns only once in the last year. I don’t know if I’m getting calmer in my middle age years or if I’m just getting better at coping with the hang ups of schizophrenia. Either way it feels much better than even five years ago, certainly more than fifteen years ago when I was still figuring out what limitations the illness placed on me.
Tomorrow, February 12, is the birthday of one of my cousins and one of my best friends. My father had a birthday earlier in the month and my mother’s is in a few days. For being the shortest month of the year, I sure know lots of people with February birthdays. I guess birthdays are a good reason to celebrate during the otherwise cold and drawn out days of middle winter. Baseball spring training games start in a couple weeks, so I look forward to that. My Rockies made the playoffs the last two years, but lost out early on both times. Hopefully they can put together something special this year. I attending one of their World Series games in Denver with a college friend in 2007. Even though the Rockies lost the Series, seeing that game in person and experiencing that type of atmosphere is one of the highlights of my twenties.
In other reasons to look forward to spring, my best friend is a huge Game of Thrones fan. The new season will be starting on April 14, ironically the day before tax deadline here in USA. I don’t watch the series only because I’d rather not pay to get HBO, but I have seen enough highlights on youtube that I do know some of the characters and story lines. Sometimes I like to give her a little ribbing about GoT fans being as crazy as some of us football and baseball fans, but I mean it all in good fun. Just from watching highlights on youtube I can understand how people can follow the series like they do. I play Skyrim a great deal and joke it’s similar to an interactive version of GoT. I intentionally tried to design the character I’m currently using to look like Jon Snow. While it kind of does, my character does bare a striking resemblance to Daniel Day-Lewis in the old Last of The Mohicans movie, which is one of my all time favorite movies.
It’s been a long and cold winter it seems. Have been lucky to avoid the snow amounts most of the country has gotten so far. But I’m looking forward to warmer and sunny weather again. I forced myself outside into prolonged sunlight at least once a week no matter how cold it is just to get some Vitamin D. It seems to help alleviate the boredom of winter. But spring officially starts in only five weeks. We’re more than halfway through winter, or summer for my Southern Hemisphere readers.