Inspiration and Bringing To Light The Things Done In Secret

Even though I’ve been feeling hopeful and optimistic overall during the last couple weeks, I still don’t socialize in person much. Then again, that could be why I’m optimistic. While most people have been allowing themselves to be bombarded by constant bad news, I’ve been making efforts to figure out what is actually going right. My entire life I’ve heard that the world was messed up and we would collapse back to the Stone Age any day now. It really messed with my head when I was growing up. It was one of the reasons I preferred to spend most of my days alone in my backyard. I’d spend hours on end out there pacing through the cedar and cherry trees making up stories. I’d made up stories of heroes, future worlds where we solved most of our current problems (like climate change, poverty, war, disease, etc.) and were exploring outer and inner space. I never read comic books or science fiction novels as a kid. The nearest bookstore was over an hour drive away. Most people in my hometown thought “The Simpsons” and “South Park” were morally degenerate but war movies, westerns, and crime dramas were “wholesome family entertainment.”

As I didn’t have much inspiring hope in me as a kid, I had to manufacture my own. Granted, this was in the years before youtube and binge watching Star Trek reruns on Netflix. My best friend from my teenage years (the same lady who is my best friend even now) was probably even more alienated and an outsider than I was. I could at least fake enthusiasm in things like watching sports and politics I didn’t agree with. And I still do, mainly as a mechanism to appear like one of the crowd. I am actually more effected by the reactions of my family and friends to things like politics and our team suffering a losing streak than I am the politics and losing itself. Sadly, social media only amplified this.

Yet, I’m still thankful that enough people had the vision and ability to make social media work to bring it to the world at large. Sure, it was painful seeing sides of people I had known my entire life I would have wished I never knew existed. But I also found out who were really cool people I could count on in times of crisis. I may have lost lots of friends over the last several years, but I strengthened others in the process. Social media and the last few years of social unrest and change have really driven home the fact that most people have the friends they have, not because of shared interests and values, but due to lack of options. I have often had more acceptance and friendship from strangers I’ll never meet in my various facebook groups than I experienced from some people I have known since childhood.

Social media also allowed me to find out who the really toxic people were in my life. Once I gave up trying to talk sense into these people, I cut them out of my life. It was a tough process, but one that was worth it. People like that have always been toxic. It was just in previous eras this toxicity would have never been made public knowledge. These may have been the types of people who were pillars of the community in public but beat and shamed their children and spouse behind closed doors. One positive about social media is that is exposed the con artists and liars for what they are. People like that could have gone entire lifetimes being such and would have probably never been detected. The people who can be aware of how messed up those in power and in our own social circle can be are figuring it out. We don’t necessary need an entire population of citizens aware of how bad they are being cheated by those in authority that have never cared about them. Just enough to force changes are necessary.

Sometimes all it takes is the actions of only one really dedicated individual to inspire others whom in term inspire others. I mean, does anyone know who Gandhi’s brothers and sisters were (without going to wikipedia)? Or Isaac Newton’s? Or Greta Thunberg’s? Or Martin Luther King’s? Short term, fear and hate usually win. Long term, it is usually love and hope that wins out. Sure we have our problems and always will. But that doesn’t mean that progress is in illusion. I absolutely despise people who believe progress isn’t real and that even individual people can’t change. I’ve ended friendships over these attitudes. I spent my entire childhood being bombarded by negativity, pessimism, and fear. I will never go back. Hell, I feel like I was cheated by my elders for trying to steal my optimism and hope. They may have fought to take my hope and crush my spirit and kill my creativity. But they failed and they failed miserably. If anything, they made my resolve even stronger. And I’m not unique in this regard. I imagine every city, town, village, cross roads, tribe, etc. all over the world has at least a few kids who were “hopeless dreamers” who refused to be “practical” in spite of the negativity and punishments of their elders. And many of these kids grew up to be the adults who made positive change possible in their own ways. The people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are often the ones who accomplish just that. In short, now is probably one of the lousiest times in human history to be a pessimist who naively clings to comfortable lies of the past. It is also an awful time to a tyrant so seeks to divide people and rule through fear.

Finding Happiness in 2020

Even though I don’t socialize much in person anymore, I try my best to stay connected to family and friends. Talked with my parents over FaceTime this morning. My dad had a check up on his heart and he does not need stints or surgery. He is joining a neighborhood gym as he wants to get more active again. I started lifting weights again on a regular basis last week. Even after a few sessions I can feel the strength and endurance starting to return.

In bad news, two of my friends in Omaha tested positive for covid. They are under quarantine for the next two weeks. They aren’t able to work and they sleep most of the time. One friend is a delivery man so he obviously can’t be going anywhere until this clears. Fortunately they seem to be doing better now than a few days ago. I imagine eventually I’ll catch this too. I just hope it’s mild. Even though I’m only 40, I am overweight and mentally ill.

Got some groceries coming this morning. I’m rebuilding my winter supplies. The leaves are starting to change in my hometown. I usually have my windows open during the day but run the furnace at night as it’s starting to get chilly after dark.

I’ve been forcing myself out of my apartment a couple times a day for almost a week now. Sometimes it is as simple as just standing in the hallway for a few minutes. Sometimes I’ll even set up a chair in my doorway so I can sit and try to chat with whomever shows up.

I nap more during the days. I am usually my most active in late mornings and overnights these days. My sleep patterns can change with the seasons and they change if my illness changes too. Haven’t had any serious breakdowns for a few weeks. I still have minor flare ups at least once or twice per day. They don’t usually last long. I have gotten to where I can just let them pass and not feel bad they happen.

I have a couple packages from amazon coming this afternoon. I imagine kids growing up today look forward to the amazon delivery man as much as I did going to the mall when I was growing up.

Changed the parts on my cpap machine yesterday. Slept really well last night. I try to change out the parts a few times a year just to keep the machine properly working.

I don’t have much else planned for the rest of the week. My cleaning lady arrives on Thursday afternoon. I like her. She engages me in conversation while she works. I usually just stay sat down and out of her way while she cleans. I supply the cleaning agents and she does the rest. And she at least tolerates my eccentric sense of humor ūüôā

Avoiding Social Interactions

Been pretty stable lately. I imagine much of this is due to avoiding news sites and negative people. I’ve also all but abandoned social media. I have only a handful of people I even try to contact on facebook. If it weren’t for them, I would have cancelled my account years ago. I no longer comment on youtube videos or anywhere else. People are just so mean and angry all the time. It makes for a lonely existence some days. I get told all the time I need to socialize and reach out to people. There is no point to socialize and reach out if these people just make you feel worse. I’m too tired and burned out to argue about stupid crap that doesn’t matter. Anymore I feel happier when I am not forced to socialize. So much for people coming together during times of crisis. I refuse to give negative and rude people any time or effort or second chances anymore. If you can’t figure out that being angry and rude to people isn’t helpful by now, it’s never going to happen.

Labor Day Weekend

With the Labor Day weekend upon us, the seasons will be changing again soon. Got a ballgame on in the background. First football game I’ve seen live since the start of the pandemic. I am ready for some resemblance of normal again. Ordered some chicken wings and I’ll be watching football all day. One of my friends is hosting his in laws this weekend and smoking several pounds of pork for the weekend. Weather is supposed to start cooling off in a few days. Mentally, I’ve always done better in cooler weather.

In addition to American football, I’ve been watching some of the UEFA tournament the last few days. It’s usually on in the mornings here in USA. Makes me long for the Olympics next summer. I’ll be glad when the vaccines are perfected and the pandemic burns out. 2020 has been a trying year for most people. At least I can stay connected via internet.

Quarantine Journal: August 26 2020

Been feeling better since I last wrote. Got a shower chair from UPS this morning. Got it tested out. I guess I live a mundane life when the highlight of my morning was the UPS man bringing me that package. While I do prefer baths to showers, I am convinced I get cleaner in showers and in less time. But as much as my knees sometimes hurt, especially in the mornings, getting out of the bathtub after a long soak was getting to be a chore. Getting in was no problem, getting out was.

Found out an old friend of mine has to have a medical implant removed because it has gotten bad infections. Her surgery is tomorrow. I wish her only the best. My former neighbors are still under quarantine but haven’t shown any covid symptoms yet. I hope they stay well and safe.

Been really hot here the last several days. Supposed to start cooling off over the weekend. To help pass the time I’ve been watching old football games on youtube. I am saddened that much of college football season is cancelled due to the pandemic, but I also understand why. Hopefully this will just be a one year deal. But between the pandemic, wildfires in Australia and the USA, economic depression, protests, major elections, etc., 2020 has already been a year people will talk about long after I’m dead. I think this is the most eventful year I’ve ever lived. And we still have four months to limp through.

Maintaining Mental and Physical Well Being During A Pandemic

It’s the middle of August.¬† The weather is still quite hot, so I spend most of my time indoors with a fan running.¬† Overall I’m feeling stable and content.¬† I think it helps that I avoid irritable and rude people as much as possible.¬† I’m now at least a week into giving up coffee.¬† I’ve replaced it with black tea.¬† I feel less irritable and paranoid.¬† I think the caffeine effects me more negatively now than it did even a couple years ago.¬† I used to drink over six cups of coffee a day with no problems.¬† Those days aren’t coming back.

I am staying up later and waking up later now.¬† I usually go to bed at midnight and wake for good at 9am now.¬† I usually eat only twice a day, with my biggest meal usually being lunch.¬† I think I’ve lost weight during this pandemic.¬† I know my clothes fit better and I recover from aches and pains faster.¬† And I usually make a point to leave my apartment several days a week, even if it’s something as simple as going to the library on my floor or picking up my mail.

As far as my diet goes, I have given up most sugar and carbs.  I eat mostly meat, canned vegetables, soups, etc.  I seem to be less lethargic and irritable with this diet.  I almost never eat bread or pasta anymore.

Had my prescription medications renewed at my last psych doctor’s appointment a couple weeks ago.¬† We did a teleconference.¬† So my meds are taken care of for another few months.¬† Since I get them mailed to my home, I don’t even need to go to the pharmacy anymore.¬† I do most of my shopping online these days.¬† If I need anything from a store that doesn’t deliver, I can usually sweet talk one of my neighbors or my cleaning lady to pick it up.

My cleaning lady is back to work.¬† She had to had surgery two months ago.¬† Yesterday was her first day back.¬† I’m glad to see her again.¬† I get a cleaned home and some conversation while she’s here.¬† She’s real chatty so she actually likes chatting when she works.¬† I usually just sit in my recliner and stay out her way when she works.

Overall I’m doing alright in spite the pandemic and economic woes, at least for now.¬† I’m hopeful as there are several possibilities for vaccines in trials right now.¬† And we didn’t even know what covid 19 was one year ago.¬† It’s quite amazing how fast researchers were able to get that work done.¬† I know some of my friends don’t take covid 19 as seriously as they should, saying things like “it’s not the Black Death.”¬† Thank God it isn’t.

Quarantine Journal: July 24 2020

Got out of my apartment for a few hours yesterday.¬† Spent most of that time in the complex library.¬† Talked to a few neighbors and caught up on news.¬† We have had a lot of new residents lately.¬† I’ve been in here for fourteen years now.¬† I guess I’m now one of the old timers.¬† I can think of only a handful of people who’ve been here longer.

Been chatting with my best friend a lot lately.¬† She’s concerned about losing hours at her job.¬† Thankfully she earns some commissions.¬† But we both think things could get a lot worse before they recover.¬† In some ways I’m glad I became disabled.¬† I’ve seen how bad customer service workers are treated by both the general public and management.¬† It’s sickening.¬† It was tough having my hopes and dreams killed by mental illness, but I guess if it had to happen I’m glad it happened in my younger days.¬† It prepared me well for the challenges of middle age and this pandemic.

Don’t have much planned for today.¬† Probably watch a couple baseball games and call a couple friends.

Quarantine Journal: July 20, 2020

Had some work done by maintenance in my apartment this afternoon.¬† So that is taken care of.¬† Bought some groceries over the weekend.¬† So I’m set for the next several days.¬† Been getting out of the apartment at least once a day for the last several days.¬† Reading a couple e books right now.¬† Working on Wealth of Nations and Count of Monte Cristo.¬† I read both of these years ago.¬† But I thought I’d re read them.

Besides the maintenance workers, my neighbors came and visited a couple times over the weekend.  They were kind enough to make dinner last night.  I provided the meat and they did the rest.  We had bratwursts and fried potatoes.  They usually cook for me and a few other people at least once a week.

Keeping in contact with friends and family a little every day.¬† A friend of mine is losing hours at her job as her company is struggling due to the pandemic and economic problems.¬† Another friend of mine and his wife are expecting their second child any day now.¬† A third friend of mine is back to working at the office in her job.¬† She had been working from home for the last few months.¬† My brother and his family are in the process of moving to a different house in the same town they live in.¬† My oldest nephew just got his drivers’ license a few days ago.

Baseball games will be starting in a few days here in the U.S.¬† I’m glad to see this.¬† I had been watching Italian and English soccer most days to get my sports fix.¬† It’s weird seeing games played in empty arenas.

Overall I’m weathering the summer well.¬† I don’t watch the news much.¬† I sometimes watch Bloomberg Business but not much else.¬† And I still sleep alright.

Quarantine Journal: July 13 2020

Today is the four month anniversary of when I started my volunteer quarantine for this coronavirus pandemic.¬† I haven’t gone out much these last four months except to pick up deliveries and check my mail.¬† Been fortunate that I had a couple neighbors help with my laundry and apartment cleaning.¬† I am starting to get more mobile again as I have fewer aches and pains.¬† Even the mornings aren’t too bad if I just give myself a couple minutes to loosen my muscles after sleeping.

Haven’t had any symptoms of the virus yet.¬† There have been dozens of people in my town who have been sick.¬† Mentally I am sometimes stressed.¬† Glad I don’t have much for paranoia these days.¬† Summers can be tough for me to begin with, especially August and early September.¬† I think it’s helped that I limit my time on social media and limit my exposure to regular news.¬† I get most of my news online instead of regular cable channels.¬† I do occasionally watch Bloomberg online via youtube.¬† But that is more business and tech news than anything.

I keep in contact with friends and family on a daily basis.¬† Talked to my nephews and niece this afternoon.¬† They are visiting the grandparents right now.¬† I sometimes envy my parents being so close to the rest of the family and living in a larger area with more options for medical care, entertainment, etc.¬† But I probably couldn’t enjoy much of this as I no longer have a car.¬† I still have my drivers’ license but I haven’t driven in almost a year.¬† I just got too much sensory overload and I didn’t feel like I was safe operating a car.¬† Besides, I’ve rediscovered the joy of staying at home, eating home cooked meals, and hosting guests in my own home as a result.

Haven’t watched much new for tv.¬† Did finish Upload on Amazon a few weeks ago.¬† Been listening to audiobooks quite a bit.¬† Started a new video game, well new to me anyway.¬† Been working on Final Fantasy 15 for the last few days.¬† I like games like that and Skyrim.¬† They are a good change up from the Civilization, Total War, and Sim City games that are my usual fare.

My best friend from college and his wife are expecting their second child in less than two weeks.¬† They have a two year old daughter.¬† And my oldest nephew will be taking his drivers’ license test in a few days.¬† It’s fun watching these kids grow up and develop traits and personalities of their own.¬† Yet I am thankful I didn’t have children of my own, at least with my mental illness.¬† Maybe I could have made a decent father and husband had I never become schizophrenic.¬† I’ll never know.¬† I rarely dwell on the ‘what could have been’, certainly not like I did ten years ago.¬† The only times I do the what if game is when I am in a mental breakdown.¬† Glad those don’t happen very often, usually only a few times per year.¬† As it is, if I can’t be a father and husband, I can do the next best thing and be a great friend, a great uncle, and a great son to my parents.¬† Even as a middle aged man getting a few gray hairs in my beard, I will always be my mom and dad’s son.

 

July 12 2020

Haven’t been spending as much time on social media lately.¬† Been reading too much negative news and it was starting to get to me.¬† I usually reserve it for keeping in contact with close friends and family these days.¬† It was just draining me and discouraging.¬† I am needing a few days off, at least.

Been staying home for the most part.¬† With the increase in the number of covid cases in my country, it’s probably best to avoid crowds if possible.¬† Fortunately my home state has seemed to have avoided the worst so far.¬† But I am convinced this is far from over.

Listening to audiobooks a lot lately.  Finished a couple Robert Kiyosaki finance books over the last couple weeks.  I like economics almost as much as I do science and tech.  I had a brilliant economics instructor in college who got me hooked on the topic.  May not have ever used much of it in the workplace, but it has helped in my personal finances and my general understanding of the world around me.  Thinking about rereading some of the philosophy books I read back in my twenties.  Emerson and Nietchze were a couple of my personal favorites.

Been trying on some of my winter clothing to see if I need to replace anything before it gets cold again.¬† To my pleasant surprise, most of my old clothes fit better than they did last winter.¬† I don’t know if I’ve actually lost weight, but I am pretty sure I haven’t gained any since the end of last winter.

Changed up my diet some.¬† Eating more fresh fruits and vegetables.¬† Every two weeks at my complex, I get a box of fresh vegetables and fruits.¬† Have for the last several weeks.¬† Sadly I can’t get it all eaten before it goes bad.¬† But I give some of it to my neighbors who do lots of cooking.¬† I had forgotten how much I enjoy fresh carrots, apples, and potatoes.

I still sleep more than normal.¬† But I am staying up later and napping more during the afternoons.¬† For the last few months I usually went to bed around 10pm and woke up for good at sunrise.¬† Last several nights I’ve been up until midnight and woke at 8am.¬† I don’t have much for aches and pains even in the mornings anymore.¬† If I am careful about how fast I get out of bed in the mornings and how much I stretch during the days, I can avoid the worst.¬† I still force myself to stand up at least once an hour so my muscles don’t get tight.¬† I don’t run my air conditioner as cold as I tend to be less stiff if I keep my house a few degrees warmer than I used to.¬† I’ve gotten more sensitive to the cold in the last couple years.¬† Cold didn’t use to bother me much.¬† It does now.

I have a teleconference with my psych doctor coming in a couple weeks.  I have been pretty stable overall this summer.  Usually the summers are the toughest for me.  I think it helps that I avoid most news and negative people.  I may not have much for social life, but it is less stressful this way.  I have always been an introvert.  But I am not anti social.  I am just anti pointless drama.

Been hotter than usual since at least Memorial Day.  So I am ready for autumn and cooler weather.  Still have at least another two months of hot weather.  And the school year will be starting again in a month or so.  Will be interesting to see how the school year is impacted with the continuing pandemic.