Been kind of a quiet last few days. That’s why I haven’t written much; just no real news to report. I still sleep most mornings after being awake most nights. Last night was the first time in months I was asleep before midnight. It was strange to be waking up at sunrise instead of going to bed then. Even though my schedules are all backward compared to the rest of the world, I’m still feeling quite stable. I’m sure my friends and family are concerned about my backwards bio clock, but I have more or less been quite stable for months because of it. Even though my social life has taken a beating because of my schedule, I really don’t want to change it up too much because it has worked for so long.
I usually spend my overnight hours attending YouTube university and messing with computer games. I like playing strategy games as opposed to shooters or action games. I guess I like brain building activities even in leisure time. As far as youtube goes, the topics I watch on change every so often. For awhile I was researching near future tech we could be seeing in the next few years. Then I researched early civilizations like Sumeria. Now I’m currently interested in the old Chinese Silk Road. Unfortunately, I didn’t study that part of the world’s history much during my formal education. But then there is only so much time in school that most things I had to learn on my own out of necessity and my own curiousity. But just because I’m on disability doesn’t mean I have gotten lazy. Too many people have the idea that all disabled people spend their social security money on booze and drugs. For most of us, this simply isn’t true. Sure some people do stupid things with their money, but so do many people regardless their working status.
I usually spend my evenings alone and working on my computers and building my brains. But I enjoy learning. It is actually fun for me. I feel sad that intelligence is no longer valued among most people I know. But that is just the way things are. One good thing about the internet is that it is easier to find like minded people than in ages past. Most of my friends I interact with online. Many I haven’t met in real life and probably never will. But that’s going to be the new normal.
Things are starting to return to normal for me. Got my lease renewed, so I get to stay for another year. The weather is turning warmer and things are really greening up outside. Spring was slow in getting started but it is certainly here.
And yet my sleep patterns are changing once again. I’m back to wanting to sleep much of the day now. I still fight it as I don’t sleep as much as I did during the winter. But I feel tired more often now and I just want to spend as much time asleep as possible. I’m still fighting against it by forcing myself to stay awake. I have found myself falling asleep in front of my computer a couple times as a result. Maybe I just wasn’t getting quality sleep for the last few weeks when I was sleeping only 6 hours a night. I do know that getting good sleep can make my mental illness problems less severe. Maybe I should just sleep as much as I can for the next few days as kind of a reset. I traditionally have problems with depression, anxiety, and irritability from July until September. My best and most stable months are usually January to June. I just don’t do well mentally in hot weather.
Spring is here though I wouldn’t know it by the weather. Got a few inches of snow on Easter Sunday. Even though much of it has melted by now, it’s supposed to stay colder than normal early spring for the next few days. It’s a pity as I was looking forward to warmer weather and fewer excuses for staying indoors most of the time. As it is I probably won’t go anywhere until the weather finally warms up.
Been adjusting to new sleeping patterns. I’m going to bed earlier and waking up earlier. I still sleep only five to seven hours a night so I’m usually awake around sunrise anymore. During much of the winter I would sleep almost until noon. But the sleep patterns are changing with the seasons. So I must adapt accordingly. I still feel mentally stable even though I still have little desire to socialize much outside of friends and family. I still call my parents a couple times a week. Haven’t talked to my college friends much the last couple weeks. One old friend just had his first child a couple weeks ago, so I’ve been giving him his space as he adapts to fatherhood. Other friends I have lost contact with over the last few years, I want to reestablish contact with these. I also lost contact with some family members over the last few years I want to reconnect with. I just got busy with my life and my mental illness got such in some cases I just didn’t want to contact even friends. I lost many of my old interests over the last couple years. I haven’t gone fishing in almost two years. My back can flare up bad enough anymore that I don’t do much outdoors anymore. I can understand why people with chronic pain can sometimes be short tempered, especially if they were in good health in their younger years.
I’ve been fighting weight problems since puberty. Yet for the longest time in spite being over weight I didn’t have problems with mobility, pain, etc. When I was in college I could easily walk over five miles a day in spite weighing over three hundred pounds. Yet I think the chronic pain is catching up to me. I can use the car accident I had messing up my back as an excuse, but after the accident I got really depressed and quit doing most physical activities. I stopped going to the park regularly. I stopped walking around the old downtown. I stopped going to the library, preferring to read online articles and audio books instead. I stopped going fishing. I even stopped road tripping. I hate to admit it, but the car accident really took a lot of fire out of me. At least, I allowed it to take a lot of fire out of me. To this end I decided I want to get back on top of my health. I’m giving up on the sugary foods and soda pops. I’m going to cut the bread out. I’m cutting out most carbs. And I started lifting arm weights again. Oddly I got this idea from a pizza delivery lady who said she lost over fifty pounds just giving up sugar, bread, rice, and pasta. I am going to do the same thing. Started this over the weekend.
First I decided to track what I was eating. Took only a couple days to see I was eating mostly bread, pasta, canned soups, and meat. Explains why I’m not losing weight. While I’ll probably end up spending more money on groceries buying healthier and fresher food, if I lose weight it will be worth it. I’ve lost weight before. I once lost over seventy pounds in less than a year. Unfortunately I gained it all back over the course of three years. One of my blessings is I can usually lose weight pretty fast when I commit to it. Of course I also have the opposite curse, I can gain weight pretty fast when I am not careful about what I eat. I tend to be undisciplined about my diet when I go through bouts of depression and anxiety. But I’m going back to what worked in the past. Been eating mostly meat and fresh fruit the last few days. I’ve noticed I have a little more energy even after a few days. And since I kicked my fast food habit over the winter, I don’t think that will be much of a problem now. It’s just a matter of giving the time and effort to making the plans work.
Been trying to adapt to new sleep patterns for the last several days. Mentally I’m still stable but I am not sleeping as much as I once was. For much of the winter I was sleeping 10 to 12 hours a day. I’m now down around 5 to 7 hours. Been this way for almost a week now. I don’t know if it’s due to longer days or warmer weather or what. As it is I am not sleeping as much as I was for most of the winter.
I’m still trying to figure out what to do with the newly found free time. Since at least Christmas, I had been used to getting everything I need done in the short amount of time I was awake. I have found over the course of the last several days I’m getting more done, leaving my apartment more often, diversifying my activities, contacting friends and family more, etc. But I also find myself with times of boredom and restlessness. I usually take my medications in the middle of the night as I like to be awake in the off hours. I’m now finding myself wanting to be awake during daylight and not so much just wanting to be nocturnal all the time. But as I am no longer sleeping 10 hours a day, I find myself being both a morning person and a night person. Traditionally rapid changes in sleep patterns have been precursors to mental health problems with increased anxiety and paranoia. But I hope to cut these off and try to get back to some more regular sleep.
Overall I’m glad that the winter is over. We do have a spring snow coming this weekend. But those never last long. Currently watching opening day of baseball on tv in the background. I’m glad winter is over. Mentally I stayed stable all winter but at the cost of hibernating much of the winter. I’m looking forward to doing more outside again.
After several days of colder than average weather, it finally warmed up a little today. At least it warmed enough for me to run some errands. It feels good to be able to leave my apartment again without worrying about frostbite. I had spent several days staying at home, watching college football, playing computer games, but doing little of anything else. I need to get back into some regular routines. To that end I started lifting weights again today. I had been lazy about lifting this summer and fall. I had been quite lazy about exercise ever since I hurt my back. Sadly I gained back the weight I had lost a few years ago. I’m starting over in this regard. I know I can lose the weight again, it’s just a matter of doing so.
Still not sleeping as much as I used to. Which is alright with me as I used to sleep twelve hours a day during the summer. Now I’m getting like six hours a sleep every night. Yet I still feel quite rested. And I usually try to take an hour nap in the afternoon. Even with my reduced sleep, I rarely stay up all night now. Used to be I stayed up all night three nights per week and then sleep in the mornings. My sleep is returning to more normal patterns.
Been spending a little more time on social media the last few days, mainly to find out about people’s holidays’ plans. I don’t know if I’ll be back on facebook and twitter more from now on. It seems to me that many of my friends have just gotten burnt out on all the drama and fighting that has been so prevalent for the last few years. I wound up unfollowing many people because of the drama, including family members. So much for making people more connected. I think the older I get, the less use I have for drama and nonsense and the more uses I have for logic and intelligence.
Now that the weather is starting to break out of the cold spell and the holidays are over, I am at a crossroads. I realize I now have more freedom than I used to. During the holidays I avoid the stores because of the crowds and loud Christmas music and too bright displays. I’m also at a loss now that I won’t have much going on until spring. January through April has always been a slow but stable time of year for me. Mentally I am usually my most stable during the winters. And I usually get a lot of reading and writing done during the colder parts of year. I admit I love to read for my own enlightenment more than I do my entertainment. I consider learning entertainment. I know I am weird in that regard. But learning new things gives me joy, I don’t care if being an intellectual makes me a social outcast.
Since the holidays are now over, I can get back to some resemblance of normal routines. I plan on doing many audiobooks on youtube this winter. I’m thinking about using my Khan Academy account to learn some subjects I wish I had taken when in school. And I plan on doing more outside my apartment so I can have more material to write about. Overall I plan on making 2018 an excellent year.
Another Christmas has come and gone. I hosted Christmas at my apartment again this year and I got to celebrate with my parents. We had a big dinner and exchanged a few gifts. I got some clothes. As a child I wouldn’t have been excited about getting clothes, but clothes were what I was needing this year. Now the gathering of family and friends means more to me than getting and giving gifts. I guess since I live alone, if I need something I’ll usually buy it myself. And since I am a minimalist by nature and necessity, I usually don’t need very much most of the time.
In other news, one of my computers crashed on me recently. It depends on what’s wrong with it whether I’ll get it fixed or buy a new one. I’ve had that computer for two years and it’s crashed on me twice already. My Mac had issues at the same time. Fortunately I was able to save it without going to the shop because it was a fairly minor problem that took only a couple hours to solve.
Winter has officially arrived in my town. It’s been quite cold for several days and we had several inches of snow the weekend before Christmas. It looks like it will stay very cold for the next several days. Probably be staying home until this cold spell is over. It’s alright as I have some reading to catch up on. I usually do a lot of reading and writing when it’s too cold and snowy to be outside for long.
I have been quite stable for the last couple weeks in spite the changes in my sleep patterns. I’m sleeping less and waking up earlier. I’m now usually awake at sunrise, sleep for a couple hours in the afternoon, and stay awake until midnight. I haven’t noticed any changes in my moods or mental states yet. I’m glad things have been quiet in that regard.
Overall, I’m ready for winter. I won’t feel guilty about wanting to stay home for the next three to four months. Winter and spring are my favorite times of year.
It’s the middle of the night as I write this. Yet it feels like middle of the afternoon for me. My biologic clock is backwards compared to the rest of my neighbors. So I try to keep quiet at nights. I’m glad I don’t have any really loud hobbies.
Since my sense of time has been backwards for the last few weeks, I really haven’t been able to keep up much with news and friends. I haven’t even really been keeping up with the blog as much lately. But that is mainly because I haven’t had much to report lately. I’ve been feeling stable for months and besides being awake most of the night and sleeping until noon most days, I don’t have much to report. I haven’t gone this long without hallucinations or depression since I was in high school. I am still kind of anxious about driving, so I try to avoid high traffic times and areas. Unfortunately I still spend a lot of time indoors and not enough time outside. The weather will be turning cooler any day now as summer is all but over. I’m looking forward to cooler weather.
Mentally I am stable. Been stable for a real long time. Overall things are going alright. The only true complaint I have is that I’m up most of the night and sleep mainly when everyone else is awake. This would be a major problem if I still had a regular job or really had to be anywhere during the days. I’m going to try to get this reversed. I’ve been missing out on daylight hours for too long.
Been having weird sleep patterns the last couple weeks. Most nights I’m up really late, sometimes until sunrise. Then I’ll often sleep until noon and then again nap a couple hours in the late afternoons. Even though this odd sleep pattern is hurting my social life, I still feel mentally stable. It could be these sleep pattern changes are helping me cope with a traditionally tough time of year for myself. As it is I now usually do my grocery shopping and errands after sunset but no longer in the overnight hours like I used to. I prefer to stay home most nights and weekends anymore. I do most of my socializing by phone or Facebook. But I still feel like some things are missing by not meeting people in person.
Watched some baseball and opening weekend college football this weekend. Found out that my old high school live streams it’s football games on it’s Twitter account. So I got to see my old team play and I didn’t even have to leave my house. I wonder how many other high schools do that. So this was my first decent sports fix after weeks of living mainly off baseball.
I sleep well, but it’s when I sleep well that’s a problem. Anymore I tend to be my most awake when the rest of my apartment complex is asleep. I stay quiet, so much so that sometimes my neighbors never know when I’m home. But mentally I’m still stable. Physically I think I’ve lost a few pounds. This is a pleasant surprise because I haven’t been as physically active as previous summers. So I just cut back on what I eat. I usually eat two large meals a day that are rich in proteins and green vegetables like peas or green beans. I drink lots of water too. Sometimes if I’m feeling hungry I’ll have a large glass of water and wait. If I’m still hungry after about thirty minutes I’ll find a snack. But I don’t eat much sugar or bread. I do eat rice occasionally as it’s cheap, goes good with almost anything, and easy to make.
It’s been a long summer for me, but at least not a bad one. Fall is only a few weeks away and school is starting again. I’ve been feeling well this summer even if I have been real careful about what I do and who I interact with. Only a few more weeks and the nights will be longer and the weather will be cooling. I can hardly wait.
For most of the winter I had the problem of sleeping too much. I’d sometimes sleep until noon or even later and still be wanting to sleep by midnight. Now my problem is that I just have a real hard time staying asleep, especially in the overnight hours. Of course I’m concerned about this. Sometimes major problems follow large changes in sleep patterns for me. Getting good sleep is important for controlling mental illness problems.
This has been going on for several days. One of the changes I made in an attempt to get more consistent sleep is taking my medications earlier in the night. Sometimes my meds can make me sleepy. Another thing I have done is cutting back on caffeine after 4pm. I admit I love my caffeine, especially coffee and soda pop. But perhaps I’m getting more sensitive to caffeine as I age. But the cutbacks on caffeine make me less jittery but they aren’t helping me sleep much.
One advantage to sleeping less is I’m getting more done. I’m spending more time outside. I’m able to do laundry more often. I’m keeping less clutter around my apartment. Some of my habits have improved as I’m drinking more water and bathing twice a day now. I have always liked taking a hot bath right before bed. It helps me relax. And I think I’ve lost a few pounds in the last couple weeks because I’m more active.
I still sleep some in the overnight hours. I just usually don’t stay asleep for more than two hours at a time. Since I keep my windows open most of the time anymore, I can hear the birds singing in the early morning hours when I would have been sound asleep in the winter months.
As much as I enjoy being able to get more done and having more energy, I am concerned about the changes in my sleep patterns. I have traditionally had problems after major changes in sleep patterns. This concerns me as springs and early summers have traditionally been my happiest times of year. Spring has always been a favorite season of mine. I just hope that if any problems do come up because of this insomnia I’ll be able to handle them without having a blow up on my family or friends.
In addition to a change in the seasons, my routines have been changing too. I now stay up well into the night but I am sleeping less. I normally buy groceries in the early morning hours to avoid crowds but I have switched to shopping in the overnight hours. I have also found good deals on perfectly good but day old deli items this way. I think people would be sick if we truly knew how much food we in the developed world let go to waste.
Since I’m staying awake later I’m now reading more online articles and getting my youtube fix in the overnight hours too. I don’t mind the solitude of the overnight hours. Sometimes, thanks to Facebook, I can strike up short conversations with people from other parts of the world due to groups I’m involved with. While we in the U.S. are asleep, much of the world is wide awake. When my cousin lived in Japan, there was a fourteen hour difference between us. I’d chat with her at 10pm my time and she’d be at noon over in Japan.
I don’t mind the overnight hours. It gives me more time to read and write. I sometimes get interrupted during the day hours by phone calls and people knocking on my door. I normally don’t welcome interruptions, at least not initially. If it turns out the interruption is a good one, like a phone call from my parents or college friends, I’ll be glad it happened. I had one such interruption yesterday. I was taking a nap over the noon hour and my dad called. Had a good conversation with him. I welcome such interruptions. But if it’s someone trying to sell me something, I’ll usually either not answer or just hang up. I feel bad about just hanging up on people but it’s more polite than yelling at them.
I’m still getting used to being up much of the night and sleeping during the morning hours. But as backwards as keeping night hours is, it is better than when I was sleeping twelve hours a day during the winter months. Overall, I have felt quite stable the last several months. I still have my moments of anxiety and paranoia induced anger, but fortunately I haven’t acted on such impulses for a long time. I did have a flare up in early February and one last October. As intense as those were, they lasted only a couple hours. I just hope I never have problems like those in public. Most people still don’t understand mental illness or have empathy for it. Seems to me that mentally ill people are among the last groups of people in society it’s socially acceptable to discriminate against. But if other groups of people can break down barriers and be more socially accepted, then so can the mentally ill.