Finding Happiness in 2020

Even though I don’t socialize much in person anymore, I try my best to stay connected to family and friends. Talked with my parents over FaceTime this morning. My dad had a check up on his heart and he does not need stints or surgery. He is joining a neighborhood gym as he wants to get more active again. I started lifting weights again on a regular basis last week. Even after a few sessions I can feel the strength and endurance starting to return.

In bad news, two of my friends in Omaha tested positive for covid. They are under quarantine for the next two weeks. They aren’t able to work and they sleep most of the time. One friend is a delivery man so he obviously can’t be going anywhere until this clears. Fortunately they seem to be doing better now than a few days ago. I imagine eventually I’ll catch this too. I just hope it’s mild. Even though I’m only 40, I am overweight and mentally ill.

Got some groceries coming this morning. I’m rebuilding my winter supplies. The leaves are starting to change in my hometown. I usually have my windows open during the day but run the furnace at night as it’s starting to get chilly after dark.

I’ve been forcing myself out of my apartment a couple times a day for almost a week now. Sometimes it is as simple as just standing in the hallway for a few minutes. Sometimes I’ll even set up a chair in my doorway so I can sit and try to chat with whomever shows up.

I nap more during the days. I am usually my most active in late mornings and overnights these days. My sleep patterns can change with the seasons and they change if my illness changes too. Haven’t had any serious breakdowns for a few weeks. I still have minor flare ups at least once or twice per day. They don’t usually last long. I have gotten to where I can just let them pass and not feel bad they happen.

I have a couple packages from amazon coming this afternoon. I imagine kids growing up today look forward to the amazon delivery man as much as I did going to the mall when I was growing up.

Changed the parts on my cpap machine yesterday. Slept really well last night. I try to change out the parts a few times a year just to keep the machine properly working.

I don’t have much else planned for the rest of the week. My cleaning lady arrives on Thursday afternoon. I like her. She engages me in conversation while she works. I usually just stay sat down and out of her way while she cleans. I supply the cleaning agents and she does the rest. And she at least tolerates my eccentric sense of humor ūüôā

Transition from Summer to Fall

It’s the first day of September and I’m looking forward to cooler weather, getting to wear sweatshirts, the changing of the leaves, corn harvest, and all the other trappings of fall. While I am disappointed that my Nebraska Huskers’ fall sports season is cancelled due to coronavirus, I understand why. I just hope we can mass produce a vaccine and that enough people can safely use it soon. I am concerned about the flu season being extra rough with coronavirus going around at the same time. It’s one of the reasons I volunteer to stay home. One of my relatives said to the effect our grandparents were asked to fight wars halfway across the world, we are asked to stay home as much as possible and practice social distancing. This isn’t the first pandemic we have dealt with. Won’t be the last either. I hope we learn from this one and manage the next one better.

Besides a short lived breakdown a couple weeks ago, I am doing alright. I’m not needing as much sleep anymore. I wake up with fewer aches and pains, and even those are more manageable. I see my psych doctor by teleconference again in a month. I haven’t had to have a change in my meds for over a year. I also think I’m losing weight.

I talk to my parents on an almost daily basis. They are doing alright. They don’t go out much besides running errands and visiting my brother’s family. My nephews and niece started school again a couple weeks ago. They seem to be doing alright considering everything. My brother and his wife work from home part of the time.

I have been lazy about reading for a couple weeks. I’ll probably pick that up again soon. I haven’t been watching the news lately. Too depressing these days. I want to know what’s going right, not everything that is going wrong. The information on what is going well is out there, you got to look for it though.

Winter Stability With Mental Illness

Been rather uneventful the last several days. ¬†I’ve been stable overall and staying sane. ¬†I keep in contact with friends and family on a daily basis, even on the days I don’t leave my apartment complex. ¬†I think I’m continuing to lose weight as my stamina is slowly increasing, my aches and pains are taking less time to overcome, and I don’t sleep twelve hours a day anymore. ¬†I now usually sleep eight. ¬†Most nights I go to bed around nine or ten p.m and wake up around four or five a.m. ¬†I usually wake up once in the middle of the night to visit the bathroom. ¬†I also sometimes nap for an hour or two in the afternoons.

I recently hired a cleaning person.  She arrives once a week to help me keep the place up and cleaned.  I get along with her fine.  I hope I can keep her for a long time.  I lost my last cleaner after she had heart problems and had to retire.

Winter is treating me alright. ¬†Fortunately January hasn’t been as bitterly cold as December, at least not yet. ¬†We had a big snow right after Christmas but most of that has melted by now. ¬†I can get out and about in my car, but some days I’m just content to stay at home. ¬†I stay in contact with family and friends, often online. ¬†Reminds me of the comic where the mother is telling her son to get outside and spend time with friends. ¬†And the boy says “But mom, I am spending time with my friends. ¬†We are all online.”

I find myself eating less this winter than previously. ¬†I still eat two protein rich meals per day, but the portions are getting smaller and I feel less hungry between meals. ¬†I also cut out most sugar and grains. ¬†Now I love foods like fried rice, spaghetti, etc. ¬†But they do make me feel sluggish and slow if I eat too many. ¬†I just feel better on days I don’t eat many carbs as opposed to days I do. ¬†It does mean spending more on groceries because I do better with proteins and fresh vegetables, but feeling better with fewer aches and pains is worth the cutbacks I have made in other parts of my life.

Bought myself a few new computer games with the Christmas money my parents gave me. ¬†Been experimenting with those. ¬†Also, got my PS3 straightened out so it rarely runs slow now. ¬†It was a pain to be playing Skyrim or college football only to have the game run slow or even completely freeze up in the middle of the action. ¬†One of the games I bought for my computer is called ‘Stellarius’. ¬†It’s kind of a futuristic Civilization type game where you can go colonize other star systems, mine astroids and gas giants, and contact other intelligent species. ¬†I’m still trying to figure it out. ¬†It’s one of the most complex and nuanced games I ever saw. ¬†It’ll take awhile for me to figure it out.

I’m doing well on my new psych medications. ¬†Things have seemed to settle down. ¬†I’m glad for it. ¬†I’m looking forward to the rest of winter.

August 4, 2018

Even though we still have officially six weeks of summer left, it’s starting to feel like autumn is just around the corner. ¬†I’m seeing back to school sales and getting fliers for said sales in my mail on almost a daily basis. ¬†One of my neighbors has tomato and pepper pants in the back yard of our apartment complex and they are looking almost ready for harvest. ¬†My parents have kept tomato plants as far back as I can remember and we always had fresh tomatoes every August. ¬†A friend of mine from out of state and her husband grow tomatoes and peppers to make fresh salsa. ¬†I should sweet talk them into sending me a jar one of these soon days. ¬†School for my nephews and niece starts in two weeks. ¬†Soon I’ll be spending my Saturday afternoons watching college football. ¬†I guess I always preferred the college game to the pros, if for no other reason, Nebraska isn’t big enough to support pro teams.

Mentally I still feel quite stable. ¬†And I think I’m starting to lose weight again. ¬†I usually eat two large protein rich meals per day and drink mostly only water and coffee. ¬†I don’t even buy bread anymore as I have cut most grains out of my diet. ¬†I don’t eat much for dairy besides Greek yogurt and occasionally cheddar cheese. ¬†But my diet mostly consists of baked and grilled lean meats and fresh vegetables. ¬†I saw an online article featuring a former pro football player who lost over 100 pounds in a year and all he was doing was eating grilled chicken, fresh vegetables, lots of water, and lifting weights three times a week. ¬†While I don’t count on such excellent results, it doesn’t hurt to aim big. ¬†I feel like I’ve made much progress since Independence Day, exactly one month ago today.

I socialize in person more now. ¬†Most days I leave my apartment at least once daily, if to just check the mail or buy a Diet Coke from the ground floor vending machine. ¬†I usually drive my car three times a week just to keep it loose and ready to go. ¬†Still haven’t made any road trips this summer besides going to my parents’ house a couple times.

I am still mentally stable. ¬†I am usually in bed by midnight and awake by nine a.m. most days. ¬†I avoid drama and pointless arguments as much as possible now. ¬†Overall I feel well. ¬†I haven’t felt this well for such a prolonged time period in a few years. ¬†And I love it.

I’m glad that summer is almost over. ¬†I always enjoyed autumn more than summer. ¬†I look forward to the cooler weather, the turning leaves, the farmers’ markets, fall football, ¬†playoff baseball, and the college kids returning to town. ¬†My town really comes to life during the falls and springs when the college is in session. ¬†I can hardly wait.

Changes in Personality and Mental Illness Symptoms with Age

Currently going through a prolonged period of stability. ¬†My levels of depression and anxiety have been quite low lately. ¬†When I do have such issues, they don’t last long and aren’t very bad. ¬†I haven’t had a breakdown of any kind in months. ¬†Haven’t been hospitalized for almost five years now. ¬†I was having feelings of depression and paranoia earlier this year but I wasn’t overly concerned about it as I wasn’t having the anger or aggression issues that traditionally went with it. ¬†Sure I would go days without leaving my apartment, but I wasn’t excessively angry or looking for arguments. ¬†So I wasn’t as worried as I should have been. ¬†Not wanting to socialize for long stretches of time isn’t normal for me. ¬†Sure I have had stretches when I wanted to be left alone for several hours or a day at most. ¬†But I was going sometimes entire weeks when I’d leave my apartment only two or three times the entire week.

Naturally some of my neighbors became concerned. ¬†I may have never been Mr. Popular but I made it a point to be polite and thoughtful to everyone I met. ¬†Yet as I wasn’t even socializing, nor did I want to, that wasn’t normal for me. ¬†I have never been one to just bunker down for days. ¬†I had gotten to that point, particularly during the winter. ¬†It wasn’t my traditional problem with mental illness, but it was a different one.

People do tend to change some with age. ¬†I imagine mental illness issues are probably not much different. ¬†Aspects of my personality and habits have altered over the years. ¬†I’m not as hot tempered as I was even five years ago. ¬†I laugh more often now than I did in my twenties. ¬†I enjoy the little things of life more. ¬†Overall, I’m happier now in my late 30s than I was in my late 20s. ¬†And this is despite my physical health not being as good as it was ten years ago or my being more social than I am now. ¬†I think I have gotten happier and more calm with age. ¬†And I quite enjoy it.

September 7, 2017

Haven’t been up to much lately. ¬†Still sleeping mostly during the days and spending most of my nights wide awake. ¬†So far it seems to be working. ¬†I’ll have to make a point to be up earlier as the exterminator is coming to spray apartments tomorrow morning. ¬†So I have been spending much of this evening cleaning up my place. ¬†Even though I have been stable mental health wise, I did allow some clutter like dirty clothes and books pile up around the house. ¬†Still have a little more to do. ¬†But I’ll be up much of the night and it’s things I can do without waking the neighbors.

Haven’t been reading as much as I would like to lately. ¬†Maybe the mind needs some time to absorb and process all the new information I’ve been taking in the last several months. ¬†I haven’t even read that many online articles the last few weeks. ¬†But I have always done my best reading in the winters.

I can tell the days are starting to get shorter and cooler. ¬†And I enjoy it. ¬†Won’t be too long until winter is here. ¬†From Christmas until it gets really hot in early July have always been my favorite times of year. ¬†Spring is usually my favorite season. ¬†I even like winter, especially since it’s more socially acceptable to spend a lot of time at home and sleep more during the cold weather. ¬†If I ever leave Nebraska, one thing I will miss is the distinct changes in the seasons.

Haven’t watched that much for TV this week. ¬†I still try to avoid cable news channels as they usually report only bad news and nothing on what’s going well. ¬†But good news doesn’t sell like bad news and mass media certainly isn’t a public service. ¬†I guess what news and TV I do get is mostly internet based anymore. ¬†Like many people I’d feel naked without good internet connections. ¬†Maybe avoiding bad news and rude people are making me more stable than usual. ¬†Sure it kills my social life, but if a person is going to be in a foul mood most of the time then I’m going to avoid that person as much as possible. ¬†I’ve quit jobs in the past because of coworkers and bosses always being negative and angry. ¬†I mean, we’re stuck doing a job together, make the most of it already.

Haven’t heard much from friends either. ¬†But I have been largely avoiding Facebook for over two weeks now. ¬†And I feel quite a bit more calm and relaxed because of it. ¬†It just makes me sad and irritated both to see my friends and family in foul moods in things they really can’t do anything about. ¬†Yes, it is possible to feel sad for someone and irritated with them at the same time.

It’s just been really quiet on my end for the last several weeks. ¬†The insect spray man coming tomorrow is essentially the highlight of my day tomorrow and he’ll be here for only a minute or two. ¬†But I should get the rest of my cleaning finished. ¬†So long.

Late Summers, Changes in Diet, and Mental Stability

Late summers have traditionally been a tough time for me dealing with mental illness. ¬†I usually have to be real careful from late July to early September. ¬†So far this year has been different. ¬†It could be due to reducing my stress levels and avoiding stressful people and places. ¬†It could be due to the medication changes I made a few months ago. ¬†And it could be due to changes in my diet. ¬†I now don’t eat much wheat or anything that’ll upset my stomach. ¬†I have found that I feel better on days I don’t eat bread than on days I do. ¬†I have had stomach problems in the past. ¬†Stomach issues aren’t uncommon in people with depression and mental health issues. ¬†I pretty much limit myself to lots of protein and vegetables anymore. ¬†About the only grains I eat on a regular basis anymore are rice based foods. ¬†Rice seems to be easier on me than wheat and other grains.

When I do go to restaurants I don’t order things like french fries or most other fried foods. ¬†I do occasionally treat myself to chicken strips at KFC. ¬†I have pretty much also cut out sugar too. ¬†When I do crave caffeine, I usually opt for green tea, coffee, or diet soda. ¬†I notice I’m less irritable on days I limit sugar consumption. ¬†Easing back on the caffeine was tough the first several days as I would occasionally sleep more than I would like and sometimes experience slight headaches once a day. ¬†But I think I have gotten past the worst of the caffeine withdrawal. ¬†I used to drink four to six cups of coffee a day, certainly not healthy when dealing with mental health problems.

I have found myself eating more vegetables than usual. ¬†Even when I order delivery pizza, I make it a point to get the mostly vegetable pizzas. ¬†I don’t feel as weighed down and bloated after a few slices of vegetable pizza as compared to the all meats or cheeses pizzas. ¬†Since I’m on a limited budget I have to be careful about buying fresh vegetables that won’t spoil within a couple days. ¬†So I usually eat a can of vegetables every days, usually green peas or green beans. ¬†I have had some good sweet corn, a Midwest late summer tradition. ¬†When I was growing up, it wasn’t uncommon to have sweet corn with dinner three nights ¬†a week during the month of August. ¬†Most of our meals during late summer involved locally grown sweet corn, tomatoes from our garden, and bacon sandwiches. ¬†My parents have introduced my nephews and niece to this August tradition too, even though it will be another few years before the kids develop a taste for tomatoes.

Overall I have felt really decent this summer. ¬†I don’t have much drama to report. ¬†I’m glad that the push for the playoffs in baseball is starting. ¬†I’m also looking forward to the start of football season here in the US in a few weeks. ¬†Fall practice has already begun and school will be starting again in a few days. ¬†I saw that many countries started their soccer seasons this weekend. ¬†I have made a habit of following the US national team since the last World Cup. ¬†I hope we make it to the next one coming up in 2018. ¬†Since the World Cup will be hosted by Russia next summer, I imagine I’ll be watching soccer at a lot of odd hours to adjust for the time differences. ¬†I have kind of gotten into soccer as I have two nephews and a niece who play the game. ¬†Even as a kid I was a slow runner but ¬†didn’t mind getting hit or hitting others. ¬†So that’s why I played football in high school. So that’s why I still watch football in the falls. ¬†But we have made it through the long stretch of summer and fall will be here soon. ¬†It helps that it has been cooler than usual the last several days in my part of the US. ¬†Makes me hopeful for fall and the return of cooler weather.

Beginnings of Spring and New Routines

Even though it’s been a little more winter like the last few days, I can tell that spring is on the way. ¬†I’m starting to sleep less and even wake up earlier. ¬†I haven’t pulled an all nighter in over a week. ¬†I’m starting to do grocery shopping at night like I did in the past instead of at like 3 am. ¬†I’m chatting with friends more and starting to sort out my apartment. ¬†I had gotten lazy about cleaning since Christmas, so that was needing to change.

Mentally I’m as stable as I have been in a long time. ¬†I still don’t socialize much in person even if I make it a point to leave my apartment several times a day. ¬†Sometimes I leave for something as simple as getting soda pop at the convenience store just to get out of my apartment. ¬†I haven’t had any real bad flare ups for weeks. ¬†I don’t know if it’s because I don’t socialize that much or if I’m settling into a calm period. ¬†Late winters and springs are usually the most stable times of year for me. ¬†Late summers and early falls are always tough.

In other news, my niece and three nephews are coming to Nebraska for a few days over spring break. ¬†I haven’t seen those kids since last summer. ¬†It’ll be fun to touch base with them. ¬†I don’t get to see them very often. ¬†I do wish I lived closer to my brother and his family. ¬†Even though my brother and I weren’t close when we were growing up, I still think it’s important to keep touch with family members. ¬†Besides my parents are in their late 60s and they aren’t getting any younger. ¬†After a friend of mine told me her mom had cancer, it made me realize that easily could be my parents struggling with their health. ¬†And it got me thinking about my own health. ¬†Working against a chronic mental illness for twenty years has taken a toll on my physical health. ¬†I don’t get sick with viruses or infections very often, but I can tell I don’t have the physical strength I had even ten years ago. ¬†And people with schizophrenia tend to have shorter life spans to begin with. ¬†I can tell the stress of the mental illness is starting to wear me down. ¬†There is a connection between mental health and physical health I am convinced.

The winter is essentially over. ¬†We will probably have a couple more snows but they won’t be the type that stay around for weeks. ¬†I’m already starting to make plans for spring. ¬†And I’ll probably start spring cleaning and maintenance next week. ¬†I have a couple projects I need to get done that I’ve been putting off for weeks. ¬†It’s time to come out of my hibernation and winter exile.

Stability and Moving Into Summer

It’s been three months since I had my last psychotic breakdown. ¬†I have been on a different medication since. ¬†It is working better than my previous medication. ¬†I am more optimistic, more social, less depressed, less irritable, and I haven’t had hallucinations in three months. ¬†The only true negative of the last several weeks was the back injury that made me inactive for three weeks. ¬†I can lay on my stomach and get up now. ¬†But I won’t sleep on my back in a traditional bed until I no longer have back pain. ¬†I’ve gotten used to sleeping in a recliner. ¬†I’ve gotten used to going to sleep earlier and waking up earlier. ¬†I’m usually up by 6:30 in the morning. ¬†When I was in a bed I usually wasn’t awake until 8:00. ¬†I haven’t pulled any all nighters in a month. ¬†I think part of my stability comes from more consistent sleep. ¬†I know problems are coming when my sleep patterns change, especially when I get less sleep.

Traditionally late summers have always been tough for me. ¬†I usually start feeling more irritable than usual in early July. ¬†Usually it builds until I have a break in late summer, often in late August to early September. ¬†Both times I went to a mental hospital I went in early September. ¬†I have always been anxious, short tempered, and irritable from late July to mid September. ¬†I don’t know if it’s because of the heat or if I subconsciously have bad memories of going back to school.

Last year I had a mini breakdown in early July but got through August without much problem. ¬†The major break last year came in early October. ¬†I also sometimes have a breakdown a few days before Christmas. ¬†The holidays are traditionally an overwhelming and stressful time. I intentionally avoid malls and box stores in November and December. ¬†I can’t stand the sensory overload from the decorations, bell ringers, and piped in Christmas music. ¬†I have had to skip Thanksgiving at least twice in recent years.

I am not sure why traditionally happy times always make me depressed, sad, and irritable. ¬†Maybe because I don’t like being told how to feel or think even on a good day. ¬†I didn’t even like teachers telling me what to think in grade school. ¬†Perhaps I have too strong of an independent streak. ¬†I have never been capable of just gone along to get along. That has caused me a great deal of grief over the years. ¬†It has caused me lots of problems in school and the workplace. ¬†I never understood why people accept things they know to be questionable, senseless, and wrong. ¬†I have never been able to accept something I believe to be senseless or false. ¬†That alone has gotten me labeled a malcontent and having a bad attitude. ¬†But I am simply unable to shut down my mind and just be an obedient sheep. ¬†I’m sure I was quite a headache to some of my teachers, bosses, and parents when I was growing up. ¬†I just had to know why things were done as they were. ¬†I was that precocious child who was always asking ‘why’, even with complete strangers. ¬†But somebody has to keep asking questions and challenging the status quo. ¬†And I guess that I am one of those somebodies.

Getting Back To Stability

It’s been almost three weeks since I threw out my back. ¬†I can get around pretty decent for the most part. ¬†The mornings are the only difficulty, especially the first time I stand up after waking. ¬†In spite of my back issues I’ve been socializing more. ¬†I went to a writers’ support group on Monday night for the first time in over a year. ¬†Told people about my blog. ¬†My blog is the primary writing activity I have right now. ¬†I do occasionally write poetry but there is such a limited market for poetry. ¬†I haven’t written any kind of fiction for almost three years. ¬†But then I’ve always preferred reading nonfiction to fiction.

Mentally I’ve been very stable for quite awhile. ¬†I call at least one person over the phone every day now. ¬†Usually family or close friends. ¬†Things have gotten a little less contentious ¬†at my apartment complex in recent months. ¬†We’ve had a couple problem residents I haven’t seen in weeks so I’m guessing they moved out. ¬†After ten years in the same complex I really don’t pay much attention to who moves in and who moves out. ¬†I just pretty much keep to myself and the handful of friends I have here. ¬†The friend I made back in the winter moved out a month ago. ¬†But I’m kind of used to that by now.

I rejoined my old writers support group. ¬†I’m probably going to rejoin my mental illness support group as soon as my back clears up. ¬†There is a second writers’ support group that meets twice monthly at the local library that I’m joining starting next week. ¬†In short I’m beginning to put myself out there socially.

Been seriously tracking my diet for a week. ¬†I don’t know how much weight I’ve lost. ¬†Probably not as much as I normally would as I’m not yet very active. ¬†I won’t be very active until my back completely heals. ¬†The best I can do right now is put strict limits on what I eat and keep a positive mind set.

Today is also my birthday. ¬†I am now 36 years old. ¬†I don’t have much planned today besides going out to lunch with my family. ¬†Can’t really do a great deal for at least the short term. ¬†But the back has cleared immensely since two weeks ago. ¬†I just have to keep doing things to encourage the healing process until I’m back to full speed.