Been quite a bit warmer the last several days. After a chilly and damp spring it looks like summer is on the way. Been sleeping more lately. Usually I take a couple naps during the day and usually go to bed for the night around 11pm. I’ll sometimes wake up in the middle of the night but I’m usually up for good by 7am. Overall I’m stabilizing. Haven’t been as irritable lately. I am beginning to have more moments of optimism. I don’t know if this is because I am avoiding negative people more or what. It is sad I have to limit my interactions with other people for fear of relapses. But it is what has to be done I guess.
I don’t socialize online as much lately, even though I’m beginning to notice less overall negativity now. I guess I’m just content to keep to myself for now. I don’t hear from friends much now. But I guess everyone is busy these days. Besides most of my friends seem quite stressed with jobs and family issues anymore. I just can’t help them or relate to these problems. So it is probably best not to get involved.
Even though I have little to no social life these days, it doesn’t bother me as much now as it did even a few weeks ago. I have gotten used to it I suppose. And I know I’m not the only one dealing with loneliness and occasional bouts of depression and anxiety. Almost everyone I know is in this situation now.
I guess I have not much to report on because not much new drama has come up. But I was needing a few days with no drama. We can all use such days.
Been trying to adapt to new sleep patterns for the last several days. Mentally I’m still stable but I am not sleeping as much as I once was. For much of the winter I was sleeping 10 to 12 hours a day. I’m now down around 5 to 7 hours. Been this way for almost a week now. I don’t know if it’s due to longer days or warmer weather or what. As it is I am not sleeping as much as I was for most of the winter.
I’m still trying to figure out what to do with the newly found free time. Since at least Christmas, I had been used to getting everything I need done in the short amount of time I was awake. I have found over the course of the last several days I’m getting more done, leaving my apartment more often, diversifying my activities, contacting friends and family more, etc. But I also find myself with times of boredom and restlessness. I usually take my medications in the middle of the night as I like to be awake in the off hours. I’m now finding myself wanting to be awake during daylight and not so much just wanting to be nocturnal all the time. But as I am no longer sleeping 10 hours a day, I find myself being both a morning person and a night person. Traditionally rapid changes in sleep patterns have been precursors to mental health problems with increased anxiety and paranoia. But I hope to cut these off and try to get back to some more regular sleep.
Overall I’m glad that the winter is over. We do have a spring snow coming this weekend. But those never last long. Currently watching opening day of baseball on tv in the background. I’m glad winter is over. Mentally I stayed stable all winter but at the cost of hibernating much of the winter. I’m looking forward to doing more outside again.
Spring is pretty much here in my part of the country. The days are getting longer and warmer. Been spending more time outside, mainly at night as I’m still a little paranoid around large groups of people. Still staying up late but I don’t sleep most of the day like I had been for the previous couple weeks. Most days I’m awake at noon after going to bed around 4 or 5 am. I just prefer the quiet solitude of the overnight hours anymore. Hopefully this will change as the weather warms and spring advances. Spring has always been one of my happiest times of year. April, May, and June are usually my most stable months. I’ve often had my biggest problems in August and September. There is a seasonal aspect to my schizophrenia. I don’t know how many others with this diagnosis have similar problems. I’m also usually stable in the winter months. Winter and Spring seem to be my best times of year. From what I’ve heard, usually winters are toughest for those with seasonal aspects of mental illness. But for me it’s always been the opposite times of year that were the most stressful. Never could figure out why. But like many people I do have better times of year than others.
Went on a road trip to see my parents at their place over the weekend. It was the first time in months I had been outside of my hometown. It was good to have a change of pace and get away for a couple days. My parents are clearing out some of their old clutter as they are preparing to move. It’s looking more like we’re going to move to be near my brother’s family all the time. Mom and Dad are looking at different places online almost everyday. So it looks like if they get their house and the acreage sold, then we’ll be moving probably in late summer.
Mentally I’m looking forward to possibly be living in a larger area. I have lived in small towns my entire life. But I have always wanted to live in or near a major city at least once in my life. Now it looks like it might happen. I definitely feel like I’m missing out on my brother’s family as I see his kids only a few times a year. And I regret that my brother and I aren’t close. We weren’t close as kids and unfortunately that carried over into adulthood. I don’t dislike him or anything like that, it’s just that we don’t have much in common. I guess we never have.
In other news, things have been kind of quiet for the last several days. I may be sleeping less than I did during the winter, but that is fine by me. Mentally I’m feeling quite stable. Haven’t been having problems with hallucinations or delusional thoughts for weeks. I also don’t have problems with depression or anxiety. Things have become quite stable.
It’s been a pretty quiet last several days for me. I haven’t been having much for depression and anxiety. I admit to not getting out of my complex much for the last week or so. Need to run some errands but I have been putting them off. While I haven’t been suffering from depression or delusions lately, I also haven’t felt much need to leave my apartment complex this week. I did spend some time outside this morning cleaning out my car and just enjoying the early fall. The leaves are starting to turn even though it’s been warmer than normal for a week. Sometimes no news is good news.
I see my psych doctor next week. Things are going alright mentally so I don’t see much need to change anything medication wise. I haven’t been taking the anti anxiety medication regularly for a few weeks. I might even be able to go off the anti anxiety medication entirely. I have made it through the traditionally worst parts of the year for myself.
October is usually a good time of year for me. The weather is cooling off, football is in full effect, playoff baseball is going on, and I have always liked Halloween. Some years I volunteer to hand out candy to kids that come to our complex. We don’t let the kids go from room to room, so we just give them candy at the main entrance. I think I’ll volunteer for it again this year.
Things have been going quite well for me. I have taken steps to lower anxiety and stress in my life during the last few weeks. I meditate some every day. I am taking a daily multi vitamin. I avoid stressful and irritable people. I keep in contact with friends and family. I don’t watch the cable news and have edited my news settings on my internet to where I don’t get much for bad news. I don’t think I need to know and worry about every travesty and tragedy that goes on. I also don’t think modern times are more violent and immoral, they’re merely more televised. If it’s not happening locally I try not to worry about it as there really isn’t much I can do about things happening halfway across the world.
All in all things have settled down and stabilized during the last few weeks. I feel mentally stable and content. It’s been going well and I see no reason for things to not continue to go well.
It’s been three months since I had my last psychotic breakdown. I have been on a different medication since. It is working better than my previous medication. I am more optimistic, more social, less depressed, less irritable, and I haven’t had hallucinations in three months. The only true negative of the last several weeks was the back injury that made me inactive for three weeks. I can lay on my stomach and get up now. But I won’t sleep on my back in a traditional bed until I no longer have back pain. I’ve gotten used to sleeping in a recliner. I’ve gotten used to going to sleep earlier and waking up earlier. I’m usually up by 6:30 in the morning. When I was in a bed I usually wasn’t awake until 8:00. I haven’t pulled any all nighters in a month. I think part of my stability comes from more consistent sleep. I know problems are coming when my sleep patterns change, especially when I get less sleep.
Traditionally late summers have always been tough for me. I usually start feeling more irritable than usual in early July. Usually it builds until I have a break in late summer, often in late August to early September. Both times I went to a mental hospital I went in early September. I have always been anxious, short tempered, and irritable from late July to mid September. I don’t know if it’s because of the heat or if I subconsciously have bad memories of going back to school.
Last year I had a mini breakdown in early July but got through August without much problem. The major break last year came in early October. I also sometimes have a breakdown a few days before Christmas. The holidays are traditionally an overwhelming and stressful time. I intentionally avoid malls and box stores in November and December. I can’t stand the sensory overload from the decorations, bell ringers, and piped in Christmas music. I have had to skip Thanksgiving at least twice in recent years.
I am not sure why traditionally happy times always make me depressed, sad, and irritable. Maybe because I don’t like being told how to feel or think even on a good day. I didn’t even like teachers telling me what to think in grade school. Perhaps I have too strong of an independent streak. I have never been capable of just gone along to get along. That has caused me a great deal of grief over the years. It has caused me lots of problems in school and the workplace. I never understood why people accept things they know to be questionable, senseless, and wrong. I have never been able to accept something I believe to be senseless or false. That alone has gotten me labeled a malcontent and having a bad attitude. But I am simply unable to shut down my mind and just be an obedient sheep. I’m sure I was quite a headache to some of my teachers, bosses, and parents when I was growing up. I just had to know why things were done as they were. I was that precocious child who was always asking ‘why’, even with complete strangers. But somebody has to keep asking questions and challenging the status quo. And I guess that I am one of those somebodies.
It’s been almost three weeks since I threw out my back. I can get around pretty decent for the most part. The mornings are the only difficulty, especially the first time I stand up after waking. In spite of my back issues I’ve been socializing more. I went to a writers’ support group on Monday night for the first time in over a year. Told people about my blog. My blog is the primary writing activity I have right now. I do occasionally write poetry but there is such a limited market for poetry. I haven’t written any kind of fiction for almost three years. But then I’ve always preferred reading nonfiction to fiction.
Mentally I’ve been very stable for quite awhile. I call at least one person over the phone every day now. Usually family or close friends. Things have gotten a little less contentious at my apartment complex in recent months. We’ve had a couple problem residents I haven’t seen in weeks so I’m guessing they moved out. After ten years in the same complex I really don’t pay much attention to who moves in and who moves out. I just pretty much keep to myself and the handful of friends I have here. The friend I made back in the winter moved out a month ago. But I’m kind of used to that by now.
I rejoined my old writers support group. I’m probably going to rejoin my mental illness support group as soon as my back clears up. There is a second writers’ support group that meets twice monthly at the local library that I’m joining starting next week. In short I’m beginning to put myself out there socially.
Been seriously tracking my diet for a week. I don’t know how much weight I’ve lost. Probably not as much as I normally would as I’m not yet very active. I won’t be very active until my back completely heals. The best I can do right now is put strict limits on what I eat and keep a positive mind set.
Today is also my birthday. I am now 36 years old. I don’t have much planned today besides going out to lunch with my family. Can’t really do a great deal for at least the short term. But the back has cleared immensely since two weeks ago. I just have to keep doing things to encourage the healing process until I’m back to full speed.