Been pretty stable lately. I imagine much of this is due to avoiding news sites and negative people. I’ve also all but abandoned social media. I have only a handful of people I even try to contact on facebook. If it weren’t for them, I would have cancelled my account years ago. I no longer comment on youtube videos or anywhere else. People are just so mean and angry all the time. It makes for a lonely existence some days. I get told all the time I need to socialize and reach out to people. There is no point to socialize and reach out if these people just make you feel worse. I’m too tired and burned out to argue about stupid crap that doesn’t matter. Anymore I feel happier when I am not forced to socialize. So much for people coming together during times of crisis. I refuse to give negative and rude people any time or effort or second chances anymore. If you can’t figure out that being angry and rude to people isn’t helpful by now, it’s never going to happen.
Doing much better the last several days than normal. Getting quite regular sleep, my aches and pains aren’t nearly as intense, I’m getting more mobile, at least within my own apartment, I don’t have as many issues with anxiety or paranoia, and I’m not even bothered by guests to my apartment. It’s amazing how much of a difference a couple months can make.
I try to talk to family and friends at least once a day. Even if I don’t leave my apartment every day I still attempt to socialize. I still hear from my neighbors once a day on average. After spending an entire day out of my apartment last week, I was able to touch basis with several of my friends here in the complex. One friend I talked to for almost two hours.
I’m reading more too. I’m now a third of the way through Wealth of Nations. It will probably be one of those all winter projects. I try to read at least one hour a day.
I don’t participate on social media much outside of close friends and family. I am inactive on my groups. I usually just read posted articles and don’t comment. I no longer have the time, patience, or energy for online discussions and disagreements.
I still watch movies every so often. Been catching up on some of the newer movies I didn’t see in the theatre. In fact, I haven’t been to the theatre in over five years. I haven’t even been inside a fast food restaurant in almost two years. The only time when I eat fast food is if one of my guests brings in food. Fast food doesn’t agree with me much anymore. I prefer my own cooking or my neighbors’ cooking. At this point, I would rather host guests and make a home cooked meal as opposed to going to a restaurant. Besides, far more places deliver than even five years ago.
I haven’t driven a car in a few months. I sold mine back in the fall to a friend of my dad’s. My car wasn’t doing any good with me not driving anymore. I just got to where I was too scared to go on the road. I actually got a panic attack one day while driving. I’m glad my old car went to a good home.
Don’t have much planned for the next few days. Probably will watch the Super Bowl. I have several friends who are Chiefs fans and a few family members who are 49ers fans. I guess it makes no difference to me who wins. I would just like to see an exciting game. Even when I did watch lots of pro football, I watched the Super Bowl more for the game than the commercials or half time shows. I used to go to Super Bowl parties when a few of my friends hosted them in their apartments. Those were fun times.
It’s been quite amazing in that I haven’t had any bad flare ups for over a week now. Even the few I had were quick hitters that were over within a minute or two. Right now I’m doing quite well, far better than my usual for the last year or two. I think it definitely helps that I am in more contact with my neighbors, family, and friends. Going to the doctor for my annual checkup in December let me know where I stand and what I’m doing right and what needs adjusting. I’m currently on a winning streak. I hope I can keep this going for awhile. It feels like things are going back into some kind of normal and more relaxed.
I haven’t written in a few days. I have been staying home for the last few days. My neighbors drop by usually once or twice a day. They were kind enough to cook dinner for me last night. Having good neighbors can dramatically improve an apartment complex or neighborhood. I’m fortunate I have good neighbors now. It makes living in low income housing more bearable.
Still reading quite a bit. I’m probably a quarter of the way through Wealth of Nations. I haven’t done much on audiobooks but have been listening to more music. Been listening to a lot of jazz and blues lately. Haven’t been playing computer games as much the last couple weeks. I still do a little every day, but I tend to read and listen to music more.
Been keeping in contact with old friends more. Granted talking to friends over facebook just isn’t the same as meeting people in person, it does help keep people in touch when used properly. I haven’t been on my tech and futurist groups much other than to read articles. I don’t usually join in discussions and I never leave comments unless I have something positive or funny to say. It’s keep me out of online arguments for months now.
Been sleeping in my new bed for two weeks now. It sleeps better than my old one. I have fewer aches and pains in the morning. I’ve even had several days when I don’t take pain pills. Besides my psych medication, the only thing I take every day anymore is a multi vitamin pill with breakfast. It turns out I don’t need as much sleep now. I usually sleep six to seven hours at night and maybe an hour in the afternoon. I used to sleep twelve hours a day in the fall.
I guess I don’t have much planned for the next few days. I haven’t gone anywhere off the complex property for a few weeks. Too cold and I really have nowhere within walking distance I want to go. I am having groceries and cleaning supplies delivered tomorrow morning and my cleaning lady will be here tomorrow afternoon. Got several loads of laundry done earlier this week. I’m pretty much set for awhile after tomorrow.
Been feeling quite stable the last several days. I imagine more consistent sleep, avoiding negative people and places, and staying in touch with friends and family at least once a day helps. It also helps that I don’t watch the news or visit news sites. No reason to get worked up over things that I can’t do anything about. Winter has always been a calming time for me.
Had maintenance come to my apartment yesterday. Had to spend a few hours out of my place. I just spent the afternoon in my complex’s library. I met a couple of my newer neighbors. I think both of them were younger than I. I suppose after living in the same place for over thirteen years it was only a matter of time when I would be older than some residents. I was twenty six when I moved to my current place. I was one of the youngest renters here. Now I’m beginning middle age and one of the longer tenured residents in here. I admit I am guilty of not noticing new tenants in here until they’ve been here for a few weeks. I don’t get out as much as I used to as I tend to keep to myself and a few of my immediate neighbors. My neighbor made some chili and French fries yesterday and brought me a plate. Chili and potatoes are among my favorite cold weather foods.
I am now staying up later and sleeping less. Most days I am not in bed until 11pm or midnight. But I am usually awake for good right before sunrise. I still nap for an hour in the afternoon, but usually only three times a week instead of every day. I still have moments of anxiety and irritability, but those usually last only a few minutes. I can usually do well if I can just take a step back and just let it pass. Mornings are usually the toughest for me. I still have a cup of coffee, usually at noon instead of first thing in the morning now. I usually eat one large meal a day, usually lunch, and have something small for dinner.
I don’t have much planned for the next few days. My cleaner is scheduled to arrive this afternoon and I’m expecting a package over the weekend. It’s a late Christmas gift to myself I bought with my Christmas money. I got a few cheap games for my PlayStation. They should be here either Saturday or Monday as most places don’t make Sunday deliveries, at least not here in USA. There are some playoff football games this weekend I may drop in on. And I have my books on my e-reader I’m working on. I’m now a few hundred pages into ‘Wealth of Nations’ by Adam Smith. I’m also working on Plato’s ‘Republic’ and Machivelli’s ‘The Prince.’ I read all three in my twenties. I figure after about fifteen years I could stand rereads.
Overall things are going alright. I feel like I’ve returned to normal after the holidays.
Been quite a bit warmer the last several days. After a chilly and damp spring it looks like summer is on the way. Been sleeping more lately. Usually I take a couple naps during the day and usually go to bed for the night around 11pm. I’ll sometimes wake up in the middle of the night but I’m usually up for good by 7am. Overall I’m stabilizing. Haven’t been as irritable lately. I am beginning to have more moments of optimism. I don’t know if this is because I am avoiding negative people more or what. It is sad I have to limit my interactions with other people for fear of relapses. But it is what has to be done I guess.
I don’t socialize online as much lately, even though I’m beginning to notice less overall negativity now. I guess I’m just content to keep to myself for now. I don’t hear from friends much now. But I guess everyone is busy these days. Besides most of my friends seem quite stressed with jobs and family issues anymore. I just can’t help them or relate to these problems. So it is probably best not to get involved.
Even though I have little to no social life these days, it doesn’t bother me as much now as it did even a few weeks ago. I have gotten used to it I suppose. And I know I’m not the only one dealing with loneliness and occasional bouts of depression and anxiety. Almost everyone I know is in this situation now.
I guess I have not much to report on because not much new drama has come up. But I was needing a few days with no drama. We can all use such days.
Been trying to adapt to new sleep patterns for the last several days. Mentally I’m still stable but I am not sleeping as much as I once was. For much of the winter I was sleeping 10 to 12 hours a day. I’m now down around 5 to 7 hours. Been this way for almost a week now. I don’t know if it’s due to longer days or warmer weather or what. As it is I am not sleeping as much as I was for most of the winter.
I’m still trying to figure out what to do with the newly found free time. Since at least Christmas, I had been used to getting everything I need done in the short amount of time I was awake. I have found over the course of the last several days I’m getting more done, leaving my apartment more often, diversifying my activities, contacting friends and family more, etc. But I also find myself with times of boredom and restlessness. I usually take my medications in the middle of the night as I like to be awake in the off hours. I’m now finding myself wanting to be awake during daylight and not so much just wanting to be nocturnal all the time. But as I am no longer sleeping 10 hours a day, I find myself being both a morning person and a night person. Traditionally rapid changes in sleep patterns have been precursors to mental health problems with increased anxiety and paranoia. But I hope to cut these off and try to get back to some more regular sleep.
Overall I’m glad that the winter is over. We do have a spring snow coming this weekend. But those never last long. Currently watching opening day of baseball on tv in the background. I’m glad winter is over. Mentally I stayed stable all winter but at the cost of hibernating much of the winter. I’m looking forward to doing more outside again.
Spring is pretty much here in my part of the country. The days are getting longer and warmer. Been spending more time outside, mainly at night as I’m still a little paranoid around large groups of people. Still staying up late but I don’t sleep most of the day like I had been for the previous couple weeks. Most days I’m awake at noon after going to bed around 4 or 5 am. I just prefer the quiet solitude of the overnight hours anymore. Hopefully this will change as the weather warms and spring advances. Spring has always been one of my happiest times of year. April, May, and June are usually my most stable months. I’ve often had my biggest problems in August and September. There is a seasonal aspect to my schizophrenia. I don’t know how many others with this diagnosis have similar problems. I’m also usually stable in the winter months. Winter and Spring seem to be my best times of year. From what I’ve heard, usually winters are toughest for those with seasonal aspects of mental illness. But for me it’s always been the opposite times of year that were the most stressful. Never could figure out why. But like many people I do have better times of year than others.
Went on a road trip to see my parents at their place over the weekend. It was the first time in months I had been outside of my hometown. It was good to have a change of pace and get away for a couple days. My parents are clearing out some of their old clutter as they are preparing to move. It’s looking more like we’re going to move to be near my brother’s family all the time. Mom and Dad are looking at different places online almost everyday. So it looks like if they get their house and the acreage sold, then we’ll be moving probably in late summer.
Mentally I’m looking forward to possibly be living in a larger area. I have lived in small towns my entire life. But I have always wanted to live in or near a major city at least once in my life. Now it looks like it might happen. I definitely feel like I’m missing out on my brother’s family as I see his kids only a few times a year. And I regret that my brother and I aren’t close. We weren’t close as kids and unfortunately that carried over into adulthood. I don’t dislike him or anything like that, it’s just that we don’t have much in common. I guess we never have.
In other news, things have been kind of quiet for the last several days. I may be sleeping less than I did during the winter, but that is fine by me. Mentally I’m feeling quite stable. Haven’t been having problems with hallucinations or delusional thoughts for weeks. I also don’t have problems with depression or anxiety. Things have become quite stable.
It’s been a pretty quiet last several days for me. I haven’t been having much for depression and anxiety. I admit to not getting out of my complex much for the last week or so. Need to run some errands but I have been putting them off. While I haven’t been suffering from depression or delusions lately, I also haven’t felt much need to leave my apartment complex this week. I did spend some time outside this morning cleaning out my car and just enjoying the early fall. The leaves are starting to turn even though it’s been warmer than normal for a week. Sometimes no news is good news.
I see my psych doctor next week. Things are going alright mentally so I don’t see much need to change anything medication wise. I haven’t been taking the anti anxiety medication regularly for a few weeks. I might even be able to go off the anti anxiety medication entirely. I have made it through the traditionally worst parts of the year for myself.
October is usually a good time of year for me. The weather is cooling off, football is in full effect, playoff baseball is going on, and I have always liked Halloween. Some years I volunteer to hand out candy to kids that come to our complex. We don’t let the kids go from room to room, so we just give them candy at the main entrance. I think I’ll volunteer for it again this year.
Things have been going quite well for me. I have taken steps to lower anxiety and stress in my life during the last few weeks. I meditate some every day. I am taking a daily multi vitamin. I avoid stressful and irritable people. I keep in contact with friends and family. I don’t watch the cable news and have edited my news settings on my internet to where I don’t get much for bad news. I don’t think I need to know and worry about every travesty and tragedy that goes on. I also don’t think modern times are more violent and immoral, they’re merely more televised. If it’s not happening locally I try not to worry about it as there really isn’t much I can do about things happening halfway across the world.
All in all things have settled down and stabilized during the last few weeks. I feel mentally stable and content. It’s been going well and I see no reason for things to not continue to go well.
It’s been three months since I had my last psychotic breakdown. I have been on a different medication since. It is working better than my previous medication. I am more optimistic, more social, less depressed, less irritable, and I haven’t had hallucinations in three months. The only true negative of the last several weeks was the back injury that made me inactive for three weeks. I can lay on my stomach and get up now. But I won’t sleep on my back in a traditional bed until I no longer have back pain. I’ve gotten used to sleeping in a recliner. I’ve gotten used to going to sleep earlier and waking up earlier. I’m usually up by 6:30 in the morning. When I was in a bed I usually wasn’t awake until 8:00. I haven’t pulled any all nighters in a month. I think part of my stability comes from more consistent sleep. I know problems are coming when my sleep patterns change, especially when I get less sleep.
Traditionally late summers have always been tough for me. I usually start feeling more irritable than usual in early July. Usually it builds until I have a break in late summer, often in late August to early September. Both times I went to a mental hospital I went in early September. I have always been anxious, short tempered, and irritable from late July to mid September. I don’t know if it’s because of the heat or if I subconsciously have bad memories of going back to school.
Last year I had a mini breakdown in early July but got through August without much problem. The major break last year came in early October. I also sometimes have a breakdown a few days before Christmas. The holidays are traditionally an overwhelming and stressful time. I intentionally avoid malls and box stores in November and December. I can’t stand the sensory overload from the decorations, bell ringers, and piped in Christmas music. I have had to skip Thanksgiving at least twice in recent years.
I am not sure why traditionally happy times always make me depressed, sad, and irritable. Maybe because I don’t like being told how to feel or think even on a good day. I didn’t even like teachers telling me what to think in grade school. Perhaps I have too strong of an independent streak. I have never been capable of just gone along to get along. That has caused me a great deal of grief over the years. It has caused me lots of problems in school and the workplace. I never understood why people accept things they know to be questionable, senseless, and wrong. I have never been able to accept something I believe to be senseless or false. That alone has gotten me labeled a malcontent and having a bad attitude. But I am simply unable to shut down my mind and just be an obedient sheep. I’m sure I was quite a headache to some of my teachers, bosses, and parents when I was growing up. I just had to know why things were done as they were. I was that precocious child who was always asking ‘why’, even with complete strangers. But somebody has to keep asking questions and challenging the status quo. And I guess that I am one of those somebodies.