Spending a quiet, calm, and uneventful weekend at my apartment. Haven’t talked to anyone this weekend. After several days of forcing myself out of my comfort zones trying to be more social and out going, I am needing a quiet weekend to recharge and regroup. Deciding that I’m spending the weekend binging on computer games and youtube music videos. Been listening to some of the music I listened to in high school and college the last few days. I refuse to go as far as to say music was better twenty years ago because anyone will be nostalgic for what they grew up listening to in the formative years of their teens and early twenties. I imagine in early 1800s Germany there were people complaining about Beethoven. And I’m sure when the 2030s roll around my nephews’ generation will complain about what their kids listen to, watch and read.
As it is, it’s been a calming and relaxing weekend. It was overcast, kind of chilly, and raining on and off all day yesterday. We get those days quite a bit in early spring. I enjoy those type of days. Boil some coffee, find a good book, and just enjoy the day. I also do some of my better writing on days like that. Days like that are one of the reasons spring is my favorite time of year.
Looks like I made it through another winter without having any major setbacks. I did have to readjust my life some as I got to where I didn’t like being around people and preferred to sleep as much as possible. Maybe one of the reasons I stayed stable was I avoided people as much as possible. But with winter ending I suppose I no longer have the excuse of it being too cold or too much snow to leave my complex. I have to renew my lease in a few weeks. So I have to get my paper work together for that. Too bad I couldn’t do this online and submitting e-files. My rent is literally the only thing I even write checks for anymore. I imagine this dream of mine is still a few years away.
Spent a few days in my childhood home over Thanksgiving weekend. It went better than expected. I was worried that things wouldn’t go well with so many people in one house. Fortunately things went with no problems and I got to see my brother’s family for the first time in months. I had been avoiding socializing in person for months just because it seemed that most people were always in foul moods. That is all I had seen on social media for the previous two years at least. Finally I quit checking my facebook and twitter accounts. I don’t use either one except to promote my blog now. It saddens me that I had to lose contact with some of my oldest and dearest friends because some people insist on being blowhards and jerks to other people online. I always wondered what people like that were like in person. It would be an interesting experiment.
Returned home over the weekend. I have pretty much avoided going shopping or even on the roads to avoid the holiday crowds. I never did enjoy crowds, even before I became mentally ill. I pretty much do most of my shopping online anymore. I found out that there is a grocery store in my town that will allow online orders and home deliveries. I have used that a few times lately. And I’ll be using it even more now that the holidays are here.
As far as celebrating Christmas is concerned, I’m not as excited about getting gifts as I was when I was growing up. Anymore I just care about spending time with family, having good food, and watching my brother’s kids have a good time. I also enjoy going around my town and looking at the decorations, especially after dark. And since we usually have snow on Christmas were I live, it adds even more beauty to the season.
All and all I am ready for winter. Summer was hotter than usual and autumn seemed to last longer than usual. I am not as worried about being in closed quarters with my neighbors as I was in years past as several of my problem neighbors moved out this autumn. It has been quiet and peaceful ever since. I leave my apartment more often and I’m more apt to make a point of socializing with neighbors. Used to be I would sometimes go entire days without leaving my apartment. But those problems are over. It seems the older I get, the less tolerance I have for rude people and stupidity. And I am noticing my friends in my age bracket are becoming the same way. Thank God I haven’t gotten to the point were I’m complaining about the “lousy kids” yet. If I get to that point, I hope somebody knocks some sense into me. I spent my entire childhood and my twenties listening to my elders gripe and moan about people in my age bracket. Going through that, I promised I would never do that to anyone.
Overall my life is rather no thrills. I spend a lot of my days playing computer games, reading online articles, talking to friends and family over the phone or online, and chatting up my neighbors. I am still slogging through the Star Trek spinoffs on Netflix. I would eventually love to have watched every episode of Star Trek. I still have a long way to go. It will probably take a few years. On the bright side, I’m no longer sleeping twelve hours a day anymore. And the hallucinations I have now are no longer frightening, they are just annoying. Maybe mental illness does get less severe as a patient ages. I think it has in my case.
I’m spending yet another weekend at home alone. As far as I’m concerned, the weekends are the loneliness times for me. When I was in college, the campus garage bands would put on concerts I’d go to every weekend. A couple of those bands were pretty good. Too bad youtube didn’t exist in those days. They might have been discovered, like Justin Bieber. When I moved to my current town, I would spend time with my cousin and her friends. Sometimes we’d go to concerts. Sometimes we’d have cookouts. Sometimes we’d just chat or watch rented movies. But after my cousin moved away, the group started to fall apart. Eventually all of my local friends got married and moved away.
After that happened, I made a few elderly friends in my apartment complex. I had good conversations with them. They gave me a reason to leave my apartment several times a day. Once they died, I was down to having no friends I could just have a cup of coffee with. It didn’t help that many of the new people moving into my complex were kind of mean and temperamental people.
Once this started to happen, I just isolated. And I started my current computer game addiction. It helps pass the time and is kind of a brain builder, but it has done a toll on my social life. I just can’t socialize with negative and rude people everyday. That’s why I will never work in retail again. And weekends are the worst because I used to do a great deal with friends on weekends. When I wasn’t going to garage concerts on the weekends in college, I’d be having marathon trivia game sessions with my friends. Those were fun times. Too bad they didn’t last. It has been a lonely stretch the last few years. But the weekends are the worst.
It’s been a few days since I wrote so an update is in order. I haven’t left my apartment much the last few days. We’re in the middle of a heat wave and it’s really too hot to be out if you don’t need to be. I still have some groceries from when I went shopping a week ago, so there’s no need to go out yet.
Even though I’m stuck at home, I have been keeping occupied. I found a free gaming site online that carries many of the old Apple games I grew up with in the late 80s and early 90s. So I have spent quite a bit of time there the last few days. I’m still working on some old computer games as well as having bought a couple cheap games a few days ago. I’m still calling my family and friends at least once a day. So I have intelligent and fulfilling conversations even without leaving my couch. Been playing enough computer games lately that it’s keeping me occupied. I usually play games while listening to audio books or science lectures on youtube. Plowed through a few audiobooks already this month. I got through the first book of Isaac Asimov’s Foundation series. It’s a good read. If you are into any kind of science fiction, I highly recommend it.
I’m also watching old Star Trek reruns on Netflix. So I’m keeping occupied, entertained, and getting my science fiction fix at the same time. It’s a shame I didn’t discover my love for good science fiction until I was in my thirties. I think I would have enjoyed those kinds of things as a teenager.
I haven’t had any bouts of depression or anxiety for weeks. I’m also no longer hallucinating. Most of my hallucinations were auditory ones that were doing commentary on everything I was doing, kind of like play by play of a ball game on the radio. I sometimes felt things on my skin, feeling like bugs crawling on my skin. When I’d go to look, there would be nothing there. Other hallucinations I’d have involved hearing foot steps outside my door, hearing my phone vibrate when no one was calling me, and sometimes I’d even hear knocking at my door that was so soft that I could barely hear it. About the only hallucination set I still have is the feeling of bugs crawling on my skin. I still get that a couple times a day.
Overall I really don’t have a lot to report. Been mentally stable for weeks and I really haven’t gone anywhere besides to the convenience store to buy soda pops a few times a week. I’m now sleeping only eight hours a night. I’ll usually sleep five hours in the middle of the night, wake up at sunrise, stay up a couple hours, then sleep another two to four hours until late morning. So far it’s working out to be a good summer routine. Fortunately have been able to avoid stressful situations and aggravating people. Hope I can keep this up for the rest of the summer.
Since the holidays have come and gone, things are starting to slow down and return to normal. At least, things are as normal and quiet as a life with mental illness is going to get. Haven’t felt anxious or irritable for a few days. Things are more quiet then they’ve been in months.
Went to the Wal-Mart yesterday for the first time since early November. I have avoided large box stores and the mall during the year end holidays for a few years. I buy from local stores to avoid the crowds. I worked as a retail clerk during the Christmas rush about a dozen years ago. It gave me a renewed appreciation for retail workers and anyone who works in customer service. I didn’t deal with some of the horrors that minimum wage service employees in many places but I still have a few stories. Anyone who has worked in retail or low wage service jobs has stories. I think someone could have a decent book or blog idea if they’d go undercover and work as a retail store clerk or fast food worker for a couple years and take notes everyday. It might even open some eyes much the same way Upton Sinclair’s ‘The Jungle’ did about conditions in meat packing plants.
As out of the ordinary as holidays have been in the past, I’m always glad for a return to normalcy. Quiet and normal routines are good for those of us with mental illness. Been back on my diet and exercise routines for a week. My back is feeling good as new after two full months of chiropractic treatments. I have only three more full treatments left. I’m back to doing arm weights again.
Been reading more too. Currently working through two print books and one audiobook on youtube. And I ordered three more books through amazon with Christmas gift cards. Should keep me occupied book wise for the rest of winter. I never really could get into fiction books, unless it was a classic or historical fiction work. I can’t even write good fiction or suspense. When I was in grade school, our teacher wanted us to write some kind of ghost story for Halloween. Mine was more comedy than drama. I don’t read fantasy. I wasn’t into C.S. Lewis, J.R.R. Tolkien, or even Dr. Seuss as a kid. I was into science and history books but not real heavy into science fiction. I have read some old Jules Verne, a little Isaac Asimov, and recently some Corey Doctorow audio books and stories. I have always found what really happened more interesting than fantasy.
Since I can’t spend as much time outdoors now that it’s winter, I’ve been messing with computer games more. Unlike books, I do like fantasy video games like Skyrim and the Final Fantasy series. But my favorite video and computer games are Sim City, Railroad Tycoon, and Civilization. So I suppose even in my mindless entertainment I still like brain builder and strategy games.
My life is starting to return to some resemblance of normal. After months of stressors and setbacks the normalcy is much appreciated.