Started to restock my winter supplies and emergency food. I am now set to the point that I don’t have to venture out for several days if needed. Lately I have been content to stay close to the complex besides running errands. Mentally I have been stable even if I am staying awake most of the night and sleeping in the mornings. Maybe that is why I am so stable.
I have gotten to where in my illness that socializing makes me paranoid and irritable. I no longer enjoy socializing with my neighbors. I no longer enjoy driving, not even across town. I’m pretty much content to just keep to myself anymore. Anymore I am my own favorite company. I hope this is mainly paranoia and the illness, but I really can’t stand to be around most people anymore. I would rather socialize over the phone or online than in person anymore. With the holidays coming in a few weeks, I may be forced out of this isolation routine that has worked so well for me. I’m not looking forward to losing my routines. I am definitely not looking forward to the holidays. I really don’t feel like celebrating much of anything anymore. And I certainly no longer care to celebrate merely because the calendar and society as a whole tells me I have to. Maybe schizophrenia really does get worse with age in some aspects. I don’t have much for hallucinations or angry outbursts anymore. But I do still have paranoia, delusions, and just prefer to be left alone almost all the time. I hope it’s my illness messing with my mind, but I just can’t stand to socialize in person anymore. I definitely can no longer hold a job. I can barely venture out into my hometown without problems anymore. I can only hope this illness stops getting worse as I age. It has definitely screwed with every aspect of my life.
July has faded into August. In a few weeks school will be starting again in many places. Seems that school starts earlier every year. But now that we are into August it does seem like autumn isn’t too far away. Another four to six weeks of hot weather and we should be done for the year.
Since it has been hotter than usual and for longer stretches this summer, I have spent more time inside. Haven’t been getting as much exercise as I would like. So I have been eating less. I’m back to having usually only two meals a day. But I think I have lost a few pounds despite my lowered activity because I am eating less. Mentally I have been quite stable, especially for my summer standards. I think I’m doing well just by avoiding stressful situations and people. These certainly make my life more pleasant and quiet. I’m even getting fewer aches and pains too. Even though I don’t exercise as much as I would like, I still get out and walk around for a few minutes every day.
I really haven’t talked to anyone lately outside of family. But I can do alright alone for long periods of time. Loneliness doesn’t really bother me that much. Loneliness is easier than dealing with rude and stupid people all the time. I just enjoy my quiet and alone times.
I have so far made it through half of summer with no issues. Hopefully the second half can also go well. Once things cool off for good I am usually alright. I have usually done better in winters and springs than summers and early autumns.
Even though I feel quite a bit less depressed and more energetic since the meds change, I still have a fear of being out in public. Anymore I do most of my shopping in the early mornings as I can avoid crowds then. I used to shop in the overnight hours but anymore I’m afraid to be out of my apartment after 11pm. I just no longer trust the people that are out and about in the overnight anymore. It’s too bad as I have always been a night person. So on the nights I can’t fall asleep at a reasonable hour, I just stay up and play computer games while I have a youtube audiobook on in the background.
This isolation even extends to family. I haven’t been to my parents’ house since April. I just no longer enjoy traveling. The older I get, the more content I am to stay home and entertain my friends and family here. I used to be one of those who would rather go to a friend’s house than have my friends come to my house. It didn’t help any that my older brother always had his friends over and his friends and my friends didn’t get along. I would rather host my parents at my place than drive to their house, and they live less than two hours away.
I found out that I would rather have guests at my house over last Christmas after I twisted my knee and couldn’t navigate stairs. My parents came to my house and we celebrated Christmas here. I haven’t been to a friend’s house in two years, instead preferring to talk to them over the phone or have them come to my place. I also lost a few friends over the last couple years because I just can no longer really handle conflict and strife. And there hasn’t been a shortage of either one lately. I don’t thrive on conflict or bad vibes and I don’t understand people who do. Never have.
My family reunion is this weekend. As much as I would love to visit some of my relatives, I’m not going. I can’t handle crowds of any kind any more. Most of the time I’m content to be left alone with my thoughts anymore. I don’t know if it’s the illness doing it or the illness augmenting the bad experiences I had with people in my younger years. I just no longer want to be in a crowd. I’m also content to socialize as little as possible. Seems to me many people are just angry and negative all the time anymore. As I practically live on the internet for much of my waking hours, I get an earful of negativity and snark on a daily basis. If that’s all some people have to offer, then I want no part of it. I’ll be content to just stay alone and do what I enjoy. I would rather be lonely than made miserable by other people. Anymore those seem to be my only options.
A few days ago my family came to visit me. We spent the day cleaning my apartment. Once that was done I went to see my psych doctor. We decided to add a third medication and I’m supposed to see him again in two weeks.
Other routines that have changed is I’m waking up earlier and not staying awake all night like I used to. Since I’ve been having pains in my lower back again I’ve been sleeping in my recliner more. I still spend the bulk of my days in my apartment and alone. I still don’t want to leave my place very often. Even though I’m sleeping less I find myself wanting to sleep at the oddest times. I want to sleep but fortunately I can’t fall asleep whenever I want.
I’m still keeping in contact with old friends and family. At least that hasn’t fallen apart. But other than that I still don’t socialize much. I guess I’m only now starting to realize how far I have declined in the last year and a half.
I am now throughly convinced I have been delusional about how not delusional I have been for the last several months. I admit to isolating most of the time and rarely leaving my apartment. I admit to rarely socializing with other people and tenants in my complex. I admit to occasionally going days without showering. But I don’t think I realized how delusional I was being about my problems.
I talked to my landlord this afternoon. She told me that there were several tenants worried about little I was socializing and how unkempt I have been for a long time. I have pretty much isolated and kept to myself since last summer. I just got to where I saw no point in socializing. In my delusion diseased mind, I was thinking most people are violent idiots who would rather curse you out and physically harm you than say hello to you. Fortunately most of these thoughts are symptoms of my mental illness flaring up and not being treated effectively. My fellow tenants and landlord aren’t angry at me nor do they want to see me thrown out on the street. They are actually very worried about me. I just didn’t realize how far I had fallen in the last year because of the delusion blinders I had due to my illness.
I have gotten to where I was scared to leave my apartment. I have gotten to where I was scared to go to the laundry room and wash clothes. So I have been doing most of my laundry in my bathtub for the last few months. Let’s face it, it just doesn’t do the job like a regular wash machine. I have gotten to where I am scared to socialize in person with anyone. I don’t go outside to talk with people because in my delusion wracked mind, most people were just bitter and angry all the time. I have gotten to where I’m just scared and depressed all the time. And I hate it. I see my psych doctor tomorrow afternoon and I am demanding he put me on something else. My current routine isn’t working at all.
Been raining for almost a week straight in my town. Not that I mind because it gives me an excuse to sleep in and stay home. I’ve always been a natural night person and I don’t see that changing soon. Unfortunately my landlord’s office hours are always in the morning so I never get to see her. I’ve given up on ever getting my walls painted and carpet replaced. I’ve been hearing that it was coming for over a year. They can build skyscrapers in less than a year in China it seems. Yet I can’t get approval for my walls to be painted and carpet replaced. Go figure. And people wonder why I don’t trust authority figures.
Somedays I really wonder if I am making any difference with being mentally ill or even making progress with this illness. I’ve pretty much come to the conclusion that I’ll never get cured of schizophrenia, which would be a dream come true for me. I’ve fought this illness for over twenty years and I’m tired of it. I’m tired of always feeling paranoid. I’m tired of being depressed all the time. I’m tired of not being able to work. I’m tired of people thinking I’m just making my problems up. I’m angry that I’m never going to live up to my potential through no fault of my own. It would be one thing if I fried my brains through drug abuse. I would probably get more empathy if this illness was self inflicted. The public’s lack of understanding about mental illness and anything having to do with science is sickening. I mean this is 2017 people, we’re supposed to be an advanced civilization. Not advanced enough for me that’s for sure.
I can’t even really socialize anymore. Most people seem to be in foul moods all the time or just want to talk about stupid things that have been rehashed a thousand times before. Do people really get dumber the older they get? I was always under the impression that older people were supposed to be wise and full of good advice. Not so from what I’ve seen. Most days I just don’t want to leave my apartment anymore. I’m just tired of dealing with stupid and rude people all day. I’m so glad I no longer work in retail customer service. Those people take an incredible amount of abuse for no more then they are paid.
I don’t know if there is a point to this post. I’m sure some are thinking I should “man up” and “quit whining.” But, even I have moments of weakness at times. I can’t be everyone’s Mr. Sunshine all the time. And I shouldn’t have to be. Years ago, someone with my diagnosis would be long term hospitalized and never heard from again. Out of sight out of mind. One of the reasons we’re seeing more and more mentally ill people in public is because of deinstitutionalization. It’s not that the younger generations are weaker and morally inferior to previous generations. It’s not that at all. Modern times are not crazier than the past, they are just better documented. I’m just tired that’s all. I just need to vent. And if a mentally ill person isn’t allowed to vent, then no one should.
With the exception of my parents and a couple close friends, I have essentially put most of my social interactions on hold for the last several days. I have also avoided most social media. Anymore I essentially sleep during most of the daylight hours, do my grocery and outside shopping at night, and stay awake during most of the overnight hours reading online articles, watching youtube videos, and reading.
As odd as my schedule is, it seems to be working. I had some problems several days ago but fortunately they were short lived. Unfortunately with my schizophrenia it can sometimes be weeks of calm stability mixed in with minutes of anxious crisis. I am glad that my family and close friends can endure my breakdowns without taking them too personally. I do have this nagging fear in the back of my mind that someday I’m going to end up having a psychotic breakdown in public someday and win up in prison or shot. I hope this is just a symptom of the paranoia aspect of my illness and this never happens.
Been feeling pretty decent since the weekend overall. I don’t really socialize with anyone in my apartment complex or even really in person much. But as much as I’ve had to deal with rude, angry, and dumb people over the last several months, maybe a break from human interaction is in order. Dealing with dumb and rude people is tiresome and tedious. I don’t see how normal people can do it day after day, year after year.
As I’ll be up for the rest of the night, I’m going to make a trek to the all night deli and pick up some good Chinese. If I can’t sleep regularly I just as well keep up healthy eating.