Haven’t been doing well lately. Spent the better part of the last week and a half being a hermit and trying to avoid everyone else’s drama. Decided to venture out today. First thing I see as soon as I leave my apartment is several of my neighbors involved in a major argument. It was bad enough I should have called the police on these people. But it wouldn’t have done any good and would have made me a marked man among my neighbors. I rarely long for the past, but the level of civility I see among my neighbors and friends is pathetic. I’ve say they are like children but even children don’t act as bad as what I see and hear on a daily basis. We say to ourselves “I ain’t sparing the rod on my child because that ain’t what my daddy did.” I see more adults who could use spankings and beatings than I do children anymore.
I have reached my breaking point. I have spent months more or less alone because I no longer want to deal with rude and irritable people all the time. And when I do get out to socialize, I am constantly bombarded by negativity and stupidity. It’s enough to make a man pull his hair out. It is healthy to cut negative people out of your life, I am living proof of that. But, when the vast majority of people near you are in a negative and toxic mood, it makes for many long days at home alone. Maybe I just have too much compassion. Maybe I just have too strong of feelings and passions. I definitely am a passionate person who will speak his mind even if it is unpopular. Been this way since childhood. It made me an outcast as a child and got me ignored as a young man and now it’s driving wedges between myself and my neighbors and friends. I hate having strong passions and feeling. I hate having schizophrenia make these feelings even stronger. I am sorry I am what I am.
Been weathering so so overall. I sometimes sleep out of boredom. Sometimes I’m kind of irritated and short tempered. I haven’t had any breakdowns yet though I’ve come close a couple times. I guess I’m starting to go stale and crazy from the forced inactivity.
Haven’t been able to lose weight this winter. Been having too many depressive days of not wanting to exercise and too much comfort food. At this point I’ve come to accept that I’m probably not going to lose weight while on anti psych medications. I’ve tried to for twenty years now. No success. Any weight I do lose I gain back within months. I’m terrified of going to a general practitioner anymore. I know I’m just going to hear the whole “Lose the weight or die” b.s. Well, no kidding. You try losing weight while on psych medications. And you try to manage severe schizophrenia without psych medications. I tried the herbal remedies when I was in high school. They did nothing for me. I even tried the Kevin Tredeau ‘natural cures’ b.s. before he was exposed as a fraud. I never want to hear about natural cures and how evil science and medicine is ever again.
Science and medicine is why we no longer have half of children dying before adulthood, you idiots! I hate people who make no effort to learn anything, especially science. And since I live in a nation where learning, knowledge, and wisdom are routinely damned by even our elected leaders, I just as well be living a real life Idiotocracy. It’s frustrating, it’s so frustrating. Makes me think there is no reason to be intelligent and knowledgeable, at least not in this current time and place. I’ve seen it my entire life. And it gets worse and worse every passing year. I’ve given up on my countrymen. And don’t give me the love it or leave it b.s. We already have nine million expatriates living overseas. It ain’t just USA and two hundred “hell holes” anymore, not that it ever was. This ain’t the 1950s, no matter how bad my elders want it to be. I’m just tired of seeing nothing but stupid and belligerent people all the time. I actually fake being in a foul mood sometimes just so I don’t look like a total weirdo to my neighbors and friends. Normal people suck. I refuse to be normal.
Another month is all but over as summer fades into autumn. The weather is turning cooler and the nights are now longer than the days. I get outside some everyday to enjoy the cooler weather but I still don’t socialize much, at least not in person. It just seems that everyone I come into contact with anymore is in such a foul and angry mood all the time. I hope it’s just the paranoia of my illness talking. But it seems I can’t have any kind of conversation without the other person going off on someone or something or just being irritable. I hate it. It makes me so glad I live alone and just hole up for days if need be. I have enough problems of my own. But I try not to dwell on them. I won’t have anyone else trying to drag me down when I feel decent. I have even resorted to not talking to even close friends sometimes because even they are in foul moods. It’s getting old and I don’t want to put up with it anymore.
Another Independence Day has come and gone. We are now into the middle of summer. From now until usually mid September has traditionally been a tough time of year for me. I have usually been moodier and more short tempered during the heat of summer. I am usually good for one psychotic break down during the summer, usually in August or September. I have had breakdowns in October before too. But the two times I went to a mental health hospital were both in September. So as far as the calendar goes, I am beginning to trek into traditionally troublesome times.
I have been avoiding people, at least in person, for the last few days. I have been doing so well for so long that I don’t really want anything upsetting this winning streak I’m on. I don’t sleep as much as I used to, but I usually stay up all night until sunrise and sleep until noon most days anymore. That way I still get some sunlight during the day and get to enjoy the quite and solitude of night as well. Been spending most of my days reading articles online, watching science videos on youtube, talking to friends and family on the phone, and messing with computers. I don’t have much of for a social life, but that is by design. I can’t stand most small talk. I find talking about the weather, politics, and other people draining, boring, and even physically painful. I can’t stand talking about mundane and stupid crap I can do nothing about. Makes me glad I’m an introvert who learned how to keep himself occupied a long time ago.
Looks like I’ll keep this routine up for the next several weeks. I don’t want to go anywhere and I don’t want to interact with anyone, especially if all they do is complain and moan yet not do anything about their problems. I’m through listening to petty complaints. I have enough issues of my own.
Haven’t written much because I really haven’t been up to it the last few days. Between seeing the family, my having major maintenance being done on my apartment, dealing with the hot weather, and now entering my traditionally tough time of year, I haven’t been motivated to do much of anything. I’m burned out already and summer has barely started. I’ve been having maintenance come and go out of my apartment for the last few weeks. And to tell you the truth, it’s thrown a monkey wrench in my routines. I’ll be so, so glad once everything is taken care of and I don’t have maintenance and management dropping in on my place at a moment’s notice. I have to be out of my apartment all day Monday. Still have no idea what I’m doing for the whole day. I really don’t want to go to my parents’ place. I don’t want to hang out in the part as it’s supposed to be yet another hot day. I really don’t have any close friends in my complex that I could just spend the day at. All my old friends in my hometown have moved out of state a long time ago. I really have no clue as to what I’m doing all day out of my apartment.
Since I’ve developed a fear of leaving my apartment, this is probably going to be tougher than it would normally be. I’m burned out. I’m tired of always having to jump to other’s schedules at a second’s notice. That’s why I don’t go anywhere for any length of time anymore. If I do I’ll miss some request from family, friends, management, maintenance, etc and then I’m in trouble with said people. I’m paranoid enough as is. I just want to be left alone.
Of course no one wants to hear my problems. My parents were busy with their grandkids the last entire week. I had to fake like I was in a good mood for my birthday bash. My friends won’t return my calls or messages on facebook. I don’t know what is wrong with everyone all at once. And I’m tired of trying to figure people out. After months of dealing with nonsense from pretty much everyone in my life, I’m about to crack. Too bad I couldn’t just break down and sob to express my real emotions. I think I’ve cried only twice in the last twenty years. I didn’t cry at any of the funerals I’ve ever been to. But, then, it’s not manly to have emotions besides anger and lust.
In short, I just want to be left alone for a very long time. I’m tired of dealing with stupid and rude people I can’t please. I don’t need therapy. I don’t need company. I don’t need a medication adjustment. I just need people to leave me alone if they are going to be stupid and rude.
Spent a few days in my childhood home over Thanksgiving weekend. It went better than expected. I was worried that things wouldn’t go well with so many people in one house. Fortunately things went with no problems and I got to see my brother’s family for the first time in months. I had been avoiding socializing in person for months just because it seemed that most people were always in foul moods. That is all I had seen on social media for the previous two years at least. Finally I quit checking my facebook and twitter accounts. I don’t use either one except to promote my blog now. It saddens me that I had to lose contact with some of my oldest and dearest friends because some people insist on being blowhards and jerks to other people online. I always wondered what people like that were like in person. It would be an interesting experiment.
Returned home over the weekend. I have pretty much avoided going shopping or even on the roads to avoid the holiday crowds. I never did enjoy crowds, even before I became mentally ill. I pretty much do most of my shopping online anymore. I found out that there is a grocery store in my town that will allow online orders and home deliveries. I have used that a few times lately. And I’ll be using it even more now that the holidays are here.
As far as celebrating Christmas is concerned, I’m not as excited about getting gifts as I was when I was growing up. Anymore I just care about spending time with family, having good food, and watching my brother’s kids have a good time. I also enjoy going around my town and looking at the decorations, especially after dark. And since we usually have snow on Christmas were I live, it adds even more beauty to the season.
All and all I am ready for winter. Summer was hotter than usual and autumn seemed to last longer than usual. I am not as worried about being in closed quarters with my neighbors as I was in years past as several of my problem neighbors moved out this autumn. It has been quiet and peaceful ever since. I leave my apartment more often and I’m more apt to make a point of socializing with neighbors. Used to be I would sometimes go entire days without leaving my apartment. But those problems are over. It seems the older I get, the less tolerance I have for rude people and stupidity. And I am noticing my friends in my age bracket are becoming the same way. Thank God I haven’t gotten to the point were I’m complaining about the “lousy kids” yet. If I get to that point, I hope somebody knocks some sense into me. I spent my entire childhood and my twenties listening to my elders gripe and moan about people in my age bracket. Going through that, I promised I would never do that to anyone.
Overall my life is rather no thrills. I spend a lot of my days playing computer games, reading online articles, talking to friends and family over the phone or online, and chatting up my neighbors. I am still slogging through the Star Trek spinoffs on Netflix. I would eventually love to have watched every episode of Star Trek. I still have a long way to go. It will probably take a few years. On the bright side, I’m no longer sleeping twelve hours a day anymore. And the hallucinations I have now are no longer frightening, they are just annoying. Maybe mental illness does get less severe as a patient ages. I think it has in my case.
July has faded into August. In a few weeks school will be starting again in many places. Seems that school starts earlier every year. But now that we are into August it does seem like autumn isn’t too far away. Another four to six weeks of hot weather and we should be done for the year.
Since it has been hotter than usual and for longer stretches this summer, I have spent more time inside. Haven’t been getting as much exercise as I would like. So I have been eating less. I’m back to having usually only two meals a day. But I think I have lost a few pounds despite my lowered activity because I am eating less. Mentally I have been quite stable, especially for my summer standards. I think I’m doing well just by avoiding stressful situations and people. These certainly make my life more pleasant and quiet. I’m even getting fewer aches and pains too. Even though I don’t exercise as much as I would like, I still get out and walk around for a few minutes every day.
I really haven’t talked to anyone lately outside of family. But I can do alright alone for long periods of time. Loneliness doesn’t really bother me that much. Loneliness is easier than dealing with rude and stupid people all the time. I just enjoy my quiet and alone times.
I have so far made it through half of summer with no issues. Hopefully the second half can also go well. Once things cool off for good I am usually alright. I have usually done better in winters and springs than summers and early autumns.