July 25, 2018

It’s been pretty quiet and uneventful the last few days.  I’ve been on my new medication routine for almost a month now.  I think things are working out quite well.  I’ve been getting out of my apartment and socializing in person more, so I haven’t been online as much for the last week or so.  I’m now usually going to bed by midnight and waking up by 8 am.  I’m apparently back to normal hours.  I think the weather being cooler than usual the last two weeks has helped.  It hasn’t been an unbareably hot July in my town this year.  I can tell the days are getting dark sooner.  Won’t be too long and school will be starting again.  Haven’t been watching as much baseball this summer.  I guess I got hooked on World Cup soccer this year.

I think I’m starting to lose weight again.  Changed my diet and started lifting weights three weeks ago.  I eat mostly high protein foods, keep carbs to a minimum, and have cut out most sugar.  I even need less sleep too.

Summers are usually a tough time of year for me.  But I have been able to avoid real problems this summer so far.  I guess we have about another five to six weeks of warm weather before things start cooling off.  And the foliage will start turning as well.  Summer is winding down.  I can hardly wait for cooler weather and longer nights.

Advertisements

July 22, 2018

Have had my new furniture for a week.  And I must say my apartment is now feeling more like a home again instead of a hide out.  I’m also a month into my new medication routine.  I’m now back to regular sleep patterns again as I usually wake up around 7 am now.  I don’t stay up all night like I used to, even after a few cups of coffee.  Mentally I feel more than stable, I actually feel calm and at peace.  Haven’t felt peace like this for an extended time in years.  And I think I’m starting to lose weight again.  I have more energy, I recover quicker from aches and pains, and my clothing is starting to fit looser.

I haven’t had much to report for the last few days as my days have been uneventful.  Fortunately it hasn’t been so hot the last several days, so I’ve been getting outside more often and for longer stretches.  Typically late July is our hottest time of year.  But people are already talking about school starting again and fall football practice starts in a week or two.  I’m avoiding the mall and box stores so as to not fight the back to school shopping crowds.

It’s been a quiet June and July for me.  That’s not normally the case as summers are usually tough times for me.  No doubt I’m on a good luck streak right now.  And I plan to ride it as long as I can.

Start of Spring and Changing Routines

As quickly as the weather turned decent, it turned back to cold, dreary, and rainy.  But I actually like rainy weather.  Living on the plains of Nebraska, we need good spring and summer rains for the corn crops.  But now that I’m up more in the days I can spend my daylight hours drinking hot coffee, listening to jazz music on YouTube, playing computer games, and just enjoying the sights and sounds of early spring.  I still force myself out of my apartment at least once a day just on principle.  I didn’t used to isolate so much.  In fact, I used to be rather social to people in my complex until a few years ago.  I think that losing three close friends in less than six months like I did in 2014 really took more of a toll on me than I initially thought.  I became rather jaded and cynical for a couple of years.  But then again, many people I knew became this way right about that time.  So I stopped socializing as much.  I stopped going to the park several times a week.  I preferred to stay home, sleep, and socialize online rather than in person.

I think I’m starting to pull out of that just wanting to be left alone all the time.  I try to socialize some every day, even if it is just with the delivery lady or mail man or cashier at the store.  But I really haven’t talked to my neighbors much this winter.  I’m trying to break out of that.  I see that my complex has had several new people move in during the last few months.  I need to get out more and see who they are.  I’ve been in this complex now for almost twelve years.  In some ways I’m becoming one of the more tenured residents even though I’m only in my late thirties.  Originally this complex was designed for senior citizens and low income disability people.  I was one of the first low income disability young people to move in years ago, at least from what I understand.  For most of those first several years I worked part time jobs.  It was in 2012 that I became tired of office place politics and decided to devout my energies to seeing if I get blogging up and going.  I had been writing poetry, mental illness essays, and a couple novels before then.  It was in 2012 I came to the conclusion I would have a better audience eventually if I set up an online blog.  After a few years of this I have been proven right.  I have had a bigger audience than I could have imagined just six years ago.  It has gotten to where I almost never have days when I don’t have any traffic anymore.  And I almost always have as much outside the USA traffic as I do inside the USA.  It makes sense once I looked up the numbers and found that almost 95 percent of the world’s population isn’t from the USA.  Being in a more isolated area of my country I have to remind myself of that occasionally.

 

Holiday Routines

Spent a few days in my childhood home over Thanksgiving weekend.  It went better than expected.  I was worried that things wouldn’t go well with so many people in one house.  Fortunately things went with no problems and I got to see my brother’s family for the first time in months.  I had been avoiding socializing in person for months just because it seemed that most people were always in foul moods.  That is all I had seen on social media for the previous two years at least.  Finally I quit checking my facebook and twitter accounts.  I don’t use either one except to promote my blog now.  It saddens me that I had to lose contact with some of my oldest and dearest friends because some people insist on being blowhards and jerks to other people online.  I always wondered what people like that were like in person.  It would be an interesting experiment.

Returned home over the weekend.  I have pretty much avoided going shopping or even on the roads to avoid the holiday crowds.  I never did enjoy crowds, even before I became mentally ill.  I pretty much do most of my shopping online anymore.  I found out that there is a grocery store in my town that will allow online orders and home deliveries.  I have used that a few times lately.  And I’ll be using it even more now that the holidays are here.

As far as celebrating Christmas is concerned, I’m not as excited about getting gifts as I was when I was growing up.  Anymore I just care about spending time with family, having good food, and watching my brother’s kids have a good time.  I also enjoy going around my town and looking at the decorations, especially after dark.  And since we usually have snow on Christmas were I live, it adds even more beauty to the season.

All and all I am ready for winter.  Summer was hotter than usual and autumn seemed to last longer than usual.  I am not as worried about being in closed quarters with my neighbors as I was in years past as several of my problem neighbors moved out this autumn.  It has been quiet and peaceful ever since.  I leave my apartment more often and I’m more apt to make a point of socializing with neighbors.  Used to be I would sometimes go entire days without leaving my apartment.  But those problems are over.  It seems the older I get, the less tolerance I have for rude people and stupidity.  And I am noticing my friends in my age bracket are becoming the same way.  Thank God I haven’t gotten to the point were I’m complaining about the “lousy kids” yet.  If I get to that point, I hope somebody knocks some sense into me.  I spent my entire childhood and my twenties listening to my elders gripe and moan about people in my age bracket.  Going through that, I promised I would never do that to anyone.

Overall my life is rather no thrills.  I spend a lot of my days playing computer games, reading online articles, talking to friends and family over the phone or online, and chatting up my neighbors.  I am still slogging through the Star Trek spinoffs on Netflix.  I would eventually love to have watched every episode of Star Trek.  I still have a long way to go.  It will probably take a few years.  On the bright side, I’m no longer sleeping twelve hours a day anymore.  And the hallucinations I have now are no longer frightening, they are just annoying.  Maybe mental illness does get less severe as a patient ages.  I think it has in my case.

Finding A Life’s Purpose With A Mental Illness

Feeling pretty decent overall the last several days.  About the only real issue I have right now is that I prefer to be awake at night and sleep during the days.  I still get outside a little everyday, usually in the late afternoons or early evenings.  I don’t socialize as much as I have in years past.  But it seems to me that most people have been in fouler than usual moods for the last several months.  I have abandoned Facebook and twitter, except for my blog, entirely because I am tired of dealing with all the anger and negativity.  I have enough chaos going on in my own mind.  I won’t be part of anyone else’s.  Seriously, is it so tough to be in a decent mood?  If I as a mentally ill man can force myself into it for much of the time, surely normal people can.  Maybe the reason I feel decent is because I am avoiding people in general.

I admit I’m doing less in some areas in my late 30s than I did even a few years ago.  Right now, I have no desire to travel anywhere.  I have no desire to ever hold a traditional job again.  I have zero desire for a dating relationship.  I prefer to be left alone most of the time.  I have less tolerance for rude and reckless people.  And I am definitely sick of hearing nothing but negativity all the time. At the same time, I keep in more contact with good friends.  I read more.  I do more brain building activities.  I rarely watch tv.  I make it a point to not watch the news channels (I can’t wait for those dinosaurs to go extinct).  I don’t measure myself by my job or how much money I have.  Not having a lot of money is not a big deal to me.  I always hated the statement, “He who dies with the most toys wins.”  What a stupid idea.  It doesn’t bother me that I don’t have a regular job.  It definitely doesn’t bother me that my sweat and toil is no longer making someone else more money than it makes me.  I suppose I never was going to make it as a corporate man.  And I definitely couldn’t make it as a politician.  I’m too honest and I don’t always tell people what they want to hear.

I can’t understand why so many people stay in jobs they hate or stay in toxic relationships.  I am fortunate to have some friends who don’t make a lot of money yet they love what they do, namely my friends who became teachers. I have some other friends who yes, they can’t stand their jobs, but they also have side hustles that could or have turned profitable.  One friend of mine worked as a gas station clerk until she finally decided to move to a different town and start her own business out of her basement.  I left my last “real job” in an attempt to concentrate more on my writing and self education.  These blogs are the children of those efforts.  And I wouldn’t want to do anything else, at least not at this current point.

Sure I made more money working as a janitor and factory hand in years past, but I have a much further reach with these mental health blogs.  Every day I have visitors from outside the USA. I’d say at least a quarter of my readers are not from my country. I hear from people of all ages, backgrounds, careers, etc. because of this work.  I get to talk to people of different lifestyles and cultures and I don’t even have to put on shoes or leave my apartment.  It’s a great job for me and my situations.  Sure it took years of struggle and sadness to get to this level of acceptance to where I can speak freely about my struggles with schizophrenia.  But once it became clear to me in my mid twenties that the mental illness would not allow me to hold a regular career, I found out that time was an great asset I possessed.  It was just a matter of how I was going to spend the next years of my life.  I could have easily become bitter and just dropped out entirely.  But with my love of writing and unnaturally high levels of empathy and compassion, I couldn’t be content doing that.  Once I learned that blogging could be a way of putting a human face on a mysterious and terrifying affliction, I decided to pursue this.  I had never heard of blogging until I was in college.  But it is something I am regularly doing and will continue to regularly do. I wonder how many other career paths will be created in the next 15 to 20 years that most people can’t yet imagine.

Once it became clear that my mental illness wasn’t going to allow me to have a regular career, I started pouring more efforts into my writing hobby.  At the time I thought I just had to write some big selling novels.  I wrote rough drafts for a couple novels but they never went anywhere.  I wrote poetry, but who really makes money at being a poet?  Finally I turned to nonfiction blogging because there was a need for what I am doing that wasn’t really going filled.  I guess that’s the mark of any good artist or business person, find a need not being met and filling said need.  I guess out of this blog I was able to salvage something positive out of what could have become a senseless tragedy.

Physical Pain and Aging with Mental Illness

Knee pains have finally passed.  Felt good enough to go out and buy groceries this morning.  So I’m set for another couple weeks.  I was getting tired of having to eat out and do drive thru because of my bad knee.  I can tell that when I eat fast food regularly my physical and mental health suffer some.  Also started taking some multi vitamin pills a few days ago.  That seems to help with some lingering pain.  Makes me feel a little more energetic.

I’m back to where I’m not sleeping as much as I did over the winter and spring.  Maybe it’s the longer daylight hours.  Maybe losing a few pounds has helped with my sleep patterns.  I still can’t walk as far as I could even two years ago.  But I think if I keep doing the two high protein meals a day, avoid sugar as much as possible, and keep drinking lots of water I can get back into better health.

Since I’m not experiencing knee pains anymore, my mood has improved.  I’m not as depressed as I once was.  I’m getting out of my apartment more.  I’m breaking up some of my in home routines.  I’m trying out some new computer games I bought a few months ago I only dabbled in.  I guess I finally got burned out on Civilization, Sim City, and Skyrim.  I still read a lot, granted mostly online articles, blogs, and science journals.  I trying to get back into more contact with old friends.  And I want to bring some old friends back into the fold I lost contact with over the last few years.

Next week is my birthday.  I’ll be 37 years old.  Mentally I’m more sharp than ever and the mental illness doesn’t have the ups and downs it used to.  Physically I don’t have the endurance I did even a few years ago.  I get unexplainable aches and pains more often.  I wake up more in the middle of the night.  I’m even more cold sensitive then I used to be.  Being a fat man, I could easily go through much of a fall or even winter with just a light jacket unless it was blizzard conditions.  Finding that I can’t do that as well anymore.  I have found that I am sometimes more set in my ways than I would like.  I tend to shop in the same stores, eat in the same four or five restaurants, eat the same things all the time, watch similar types of shows on youtube and netflix, etc.  At least I haven’t yet gotten to where I’m complaining about the kids all the time.  I remember what it was like being ragged on by my elders all the time when I was growing up.  I hated it then and I still hate it when people in my age bracket rag on their kids.  I just hope that as I age and my physical health starts to decline even more that I don’t become one of these bitter and angry old men I see too much of.  I hope I can be an encouragement to people to all ages. I just want my little corner of the world to be a better place because I was alive.

Settling Into Changes and New Routines

Been making some changes in my routines since Christmas.  I am getting more physical activity, been eating less meat and more vegetables and rice.  I have eaten in restaurants only twice since New Year’s Day.  I have changed up my diet quite a bit.  I no longer cook a lot of grilled and baked chicken and beef.  Instead I pretty much eat mostly rice, vegetables, potatoes, and soup.  I still don’t eat much bread.  I get most of my carbs anymore through rice and potatoes.  Neither potatoes nor rice make me feel as lethargic or bloated as large amounts of bread.  Now I absolutely love sub sandwiches, but if I have more than one every couple days I’ll be feeling slow and sluggish.

I have been cleaning my apartment more often.  I had been kind of lazy about this for a few months.  But since I’m feeling much better and more stable I have found it easier to keep my place cleaner.  My place may not make Good Housekeeping, but it’s still better than most college dorm rooms.

I am getting more social activity via Facebook.  I had been kind of a ghost on social media besides promoting the blog for months because I didn’t want to be part of political discussions.  While it feels good to be back in contact with extending family and college friends, it is unnerving that friendships can be strained by things as petty as political opinions. But I am glad I don’t have to hear about it for another few years.

Haven’t dealt with hallucinations for weeks.  Haven’t had problems with delusions for awhile.  Haven’t had issues with depression for almost two months.  I am getting consistent sleep even though I tend to sleep in until late morning most days.  My medications don’t make me sleepy and I think I am more effected by caffeine than I was a few years ago.  Finding out the hard way that I just can’t drink as much caffeine as much as I used to.  That is another new reality I have to learn to adapt to.

I’m still not venturing out of the complex as much.  But it has been quite cold the last few weeks.  But I am definitely saving money on gas by not driving as much.  I drive only half of what I used to, so I buy gas only once a month anymore.  I don’t mind as gas prices are going back up and I can do so much online anymore.  I admit I spend a lot of time online anymore, far more than I did even five years ago.

Been reading much more lately.  I still like reading about science and technology advances.  I am finding that as fast as the advances are coming anymore, the science books I have are starting to become out of date even if they are only a few years old.  I am finding out that Bill Gates was right when he said that people overestimate tech advances short term but underestimate them long term.  Books I bought that were written even four years ago underestimated some of the advances we are seeing now.  So to meet my desire for science and tech news I have to read more online periodicals and science blogs.  I always liked science and wanted to make it my career since grade school.  I have gotten to where I like reading science sites more than I do watching sports.  I know I’m weird.

These are just a few of my new routines now that it’s winter and I’m feeling stability for the first time in months.  I’m just enjoying it right now and I’m going to ride this hot streak for all it’s worth.