Tag Archives: love

Living Alone Again and Middle Age in Summer 2026

Posted on by
2

After over nine months of living in my own place and getting healthier than I have been in several years, I feel like the second half of my life has officially begun. So far I’m liking what I’m seeing.

It feels great that 90 percent of the aches and pains I was experiencing a year ago are now gone. I credit it to weight loss, healthier eating habits, giving up most sugar, and getting out of constant stress. That stress, it’s a killer. And I’m convinced it makes people make bad decisions.

I’ve always enjoyed living on my own. After two and a half years in the suburbs I am on my own again. Feels good to have some privacy again. Sure, I may need around the clock health care. But at least I can, for the most part, write, read, watch documentaries, run simulations in my computer games, etc. without someone hanging over my shoulder all day every day. Feels great to not have to listen to a blaring tv or people just walking in at random several times a day.

I have a pretty sweat deal set up where the aides only bother me a few times a day and usually at scheduled times. I despise surprises and unannounced changes to my routines. It took some convincing and explaining, but I have pretty much convinced most of the regular staff to allow me to have some alone time every day. It feels great that I’m not even guilt tripped into not wanting to go to social activities anymore.

This is the 2020s. Why do I need to socialize in person several times day, especially with people who don’t share the same interest? No, I’m not interested in talking about politics or the weather. I can discuss the Thunder, the Huskers, and the Rockies but only for a few minutes per day. And I imagine some people get annoyed when I try to discuss history, economics, or philosophy. So let that sleeping dog stay asleep.

I’ve also found that some people seem to really have a tough time following my train of thought or even understanding my voice. I do have a pretty low and deep voice that actually carries well. But even after three years of high school speech, some people still can’t understand what I’m saying. I find myself having to repeat myself quite often. It’s kind of annoying. Kind of tough to have a meaningful conversation when even your own family can’t understand your voice. It’s why I don’t do a YouTube channel, even with voiceovers.

It’s good to be left alone by most of the outside world. I totally understand why some people joined monasteries and temples miles away from civilization. A life of study, prayer, relatively simple meals, not much money, celibacy (which doesn’t bother me as much as it would most men), and isolation is the perfect life for me. It’s a pity I didn’t figure this out until I was well into my thirties.

Currently my life is pretty good. Took a long time to make my peace with life without a wife, children, a career, or my own house or land. But I survived and adapted. And that is why, in spite of all the chaos that is the world of 2026, I’m doing better now than at any point in my life. I do love being middle aged. I’m actually comfortable with myself. I’m actually comfortable telling people ‘No’ and sticking to my guns at this point. Pity this wasn’t a thing for me even 10 years ago. But better late than never.

Building Self Confidence

Posted on by
4
Daily writing prompt
What’s the best way to build self-confidence?
View all responses

From my own personal experience, lasting self confidence is never built quickly. I suppose that isn’t the answer many people in our same day delivery society want to hear. But it’s true. Please let me go into detail.

I will be turning 46 years old this summer. And I have more self confidence than I did at age 25 or even age 40. One of the things that built my confidence is surviving tough situations and realizing that ‘Even though it sucked going through, I came out better, wiser, some extra skills, and an interesting story or two.’

During the pandemic I didn’t go out much, had groceries and medications delivered to my apartment, kept in contact with friends and family. Sure it was a long two years, but I survived. Not only survived, but wrote a lot of material, read books I never had time to previously, binge watched documentaries on youtube, lost weight, and even improved my finances. It wasn’t very fun going thorough, but I’m glad I did. Made more less fragile. Taught me I could handle prolonged adversity even with a mental illness. It taught me how to think and act during a time of crisis.

I was diagnosed with congestive heart failure in September 2021 in addition to the schizophrenia diagnosis I’d had for over twenty years. It was touch and go for a while. Spent several days in the hospital with really bad blood pressure that required in IV nitro drip for a few days.

In May 2022, I moved out of my low-income apartment and into the first long term care facility in Nebraska that would take me until my parents could arrange for me to move to Oklahoma. After several months of treatment, physical therapy, getting a wheelchair, and losing even more weight, I was physically able to make the move from Nebraska to Oklahoma in my dad’s pickup truck. February 2023. Surviving heart failure, going through physical therapy, and getting to accomplish one of my ‘bucket list’ entries of moving to the suburbs at least once added to my slowly but steadily growing reserves of confidence.

I lived with my parents in a good suburb of OKC while I was waiting for a permanent place to come open. It took a few months just for all the social security and Medicaid paperwork to stabilize after the out of state move. It was a pain to not know what was happening from one month to the next. Found the case workers not very helpful in transferring my accounts from Nebraska to Oklahoma. Took a few months, but eventually got everything transferred across state lines. Navigating that mess of paperwork and conflicting agencies and advice was a major headache. But it was one I survived and learned from. Taught me how to navigate agencies and conflicting systems that, in reality, no one person has all the answers to and never will.

Between February 2023 and August 2025, I anxiously waited for a new home to come open. Naive me thought that it shouldn’t have taken more than a few months in a metroplex the size of OKC for a home with handicap accessibility to come open. Oh my God in Heaven, was I completely wrong. Instead of a few months, it took almost exactly two and a half years. And we were looking all over Oklahoma.

In August 2025, the place I’m currently in came open. It is a facility in urban OKC and a huge one at that. We even have on site eye doctors and an onsite dentist. Since it was in a city, I got to cross off another item on my bucket list, live in the downtown of a big city. Sure, it’s not New York or Shanghai, but it was what I was looking for my entire life without even realizing it.

I did gain some weight during the time I was at my parents’ house. What I gained in two and a half years was lost in only eight months. Currently I’m at the lowest weight I’ve been in 15 years. I also got cured of sleep apnea and anemia. It was a long and painful process. But it was more than worth it. Oh my God the payoff was more than worth it.

I’ll be turning 46 later this month. In September 2021 I wasn’t sure I would make it to age 46. I’m thankful and grateful to have made it through several crisis over the years. That’s what taught me self-confidence. Took a long time, but the lessons and confidence will help me no matter what I face in the years ahead. My life didn’t turn out as I expected. But after surviving struggles and crisis, I now realize it turned out better than had my twenties and thirties been smooth sailing. Here’s to struggle, survival, rebirth, and the second half of life.

Question of the Day: Soulmates

Posted on by
Reply
Daily writing prompt
Do you believe in soulmates? Why or why not?
View all responses

No, I do not believe in the idea of soulmates. At least not in the sense that popular culture often understands the idea. Granted that is just my personal opinion. I’ll go into the further detail.

The idea of soulmates, at least in a lot of people’s minds, is that there is only one person on an entire planet of over 8 billion people that is perfect for another. In reality, humans are not perfect. Even at that individuals change over time.

For example, a person at age 60 is probably not the same person they were at age 18. If they were, that would mean that forty-two years of life experience didn’t change them in one way or another. What a waste of a significant portion of life to have not grown, changed, matured, and let go. We accept that we as individuals are free to grow, evolve, and change over the course of years. Why not apply the same logic to partnering, let alone to a world population of 8 billion in a world that has changed more in the last 25 years than most entire centuries?

In my mind, if the idea of soulmates existed, the divorce rates would be much lower than they are. I totally agree with someone getting out a marriage where the other spouse is abusive, unfaithful, really bad with finances, or a really bad influence on the children.

Speaking of the idea of soulmates, it doesn’t seem to take into account that most marriages eventually produce children. The idea of children in context of much of what is relationship advice in our current era completely ignores that children often result from marriages and sexual relationships. That’s basic biology.

Traditionally, in many societies, marriages were often arranged years in advance. This was to combine family finances, power, prestige, alliances, land, and even with consideration to what kind of traits the children resulting from said marriage would possess after they grew up. Sure, many of those marriages were more stable than many marriages are now. But they may not have been happier than couples today in stable relationships. In those societies, people married more for survival then they did for happiness.

As far as marrying for survival or happiness, neither approach is 100 percent right or wrong. Just because a marriage might last well over 70 years does not mean it was a happy union or the best-case scenario considering the number of choices the two spouses involved before they committed to each other.

At the same time, just because a marriage ends in divorce does not necessarily mean the relationship was pointless and never should have happened. Many divorces involve unions that produced children. Seems kind of heartless to suggest the children resulting from a union should have never happened. Leonardo da Vinchi was born from an out of wedlock pregnancy. Many of us, me included, have lots of friends that were from unions that ended in divorce or from out of wedlock relationships. Really heartless to suggest that those people should have never happened.

If soulmates, at least as the term is popularly understood, do exist, would that also mean that soul friendships or soul children or soul parents exist? Would spirit animals also exist? Would spirit plants also exist? Would spirit oceans and lands exist too? Many societies believe spirits are in everything.

In closing, I’m not convinced on the idea of soulmates, at least not in the sense that popular culture understands it. I fear the idea of soulmates as it’s currently understood is leading to unnecessary unhappiness and strife. Of course, as with all things spiritual, I’m willing to admit I very well could be wrong. My opinions and thoughts are not craved in granite. The ideas I had about how even basic things work at age 45 are not the same as at age 25 or even age 40.

June 4, 2026

Posted on by
Reply
Daily writing prompt
What’s something you’d love to see in the future, but know you probably won’t live to witness?
View all responses

One thing I would love to see but probably not live long enough to see is humanity developing more empathy for other people. We have significantly cut rates of extreme poverty, famine, sexism, bigotry, religious prejudice, illiteracy, childhood mortality, etc., we still have a way to go before we can say ‘mission accomplished.’

With our current agricultural practices, we already grow enough food for every human in every nation to eat a healthy diet. Of course, distribution of food, political corruption, short sighted greed, etc. hasn’t decreased in the same amount that production has increased. At this point it’s no longer a science problem or an engineering problem. It’s now mainly a problem of priorites and misguided efforts.

Corruption is still around. But, thanks to the internet, 24 hour news cycles, significant portions of the world having freedom of the press and aware citizens, social media, etc., people are far more aware of what goes on behind the scenes than we were even in 1980. It does seem like corruption is worse now than in the past. But, could it be that is more easily exposed? Turn on the lights and watch the roaches and rats scatter. They were always there. Most people simply didn’t know about it.

Unchecked money and power corrupt. Our ancestors knew that but probably didn’t know how bad it can get. We are learning how awful some people can be to other humans. The Epstein Files, even though millions of those have been censored, have exposed how corrupt many in places of wealth and power are. Tragically, it has probably gone for all of civilized history. It was rarely exposed to the extent it is now in our age. One thing I have seen in the study of history is that human nature changes much slower than art or science. We may have near Star Trek like technology in many sectors but are still operating on Industrial Age economics and education, Renaissance era politics and philosophy, Bronze Age spirituality, and Stone Age psychology and physiology.

A second thing I would love to see in the future but won’t live long enough to see is humanity establish a colony in a nearby star system. I am filled with hope has humans are going back to the moon in a few years and are planning on building permanent space stations and research labs there.

Summer 2026: Thoughts on Current Events and the State of the Economy

Posted on by
1

It’s feeling like summer here in OKC. I see that Europe has gotten really bad heat waves already. Looking like it could be a long summer. The air conditioning broke down on my wing a couple of days ago. At least I have good fans and access to lots of ice water. But the HVAC crew is currently working on the AC system even on a weekend. I love those guys.

In other summer news, my fantasy league baseball team is in last place in my league. Had lots of injuries early on and never recovered. But I play mainly for fun and make the ballgames more interesting. My team is named The Barn Stormers. It’s my first year back after taking two years off. Have done fantasy league baseball since like 2007. But I don’t obsess over it. And I have never gotten into sports gambling or predictions gambling sites like Draft Kings. If I have extra money to play with, I usually prefer the stock market. Just as well put my bachelor’s in business degree to work even while disabled.

Saw on Bloomberg that some of the big oil companies are warning about $160 a barrel crude oil by the end of summer. Crap like that happens when my country decided to go to war and shut down one of the most important sea trade lanes in the world. It’s like my leaders didn’t learn from the mistakes Russia made when invading Ukraine. I was afraid this war with Iran would be a lot longer than people thought. Too bad I was right. I guess some people in power just can’t let others be.

In addition to the high gas prices, another concern is the shortage of fertilizers for farming. So expect higher food prices than we already have. We may end up having to do like our great grandparents did in the 1930s and turn our backyards into gardens and chicken houses. Everyone I personally know who owns a house or rents a house already has a garden. Most of these people started serious gardening during the pandemic.

In other news, AI is replacing office workers really fast. I feared this would happen eventually. I was telling people about this clear back in 2012. Turns out it’s happening faster than even I thought. A friend of mine lost her office job to an AI a couple months ago. Still hasn’t found anything except for some gig work once in a while. I was afraid these changes would happen before the social safety net and laws would be adapted to a world of mass AI. Sadly I was right. It’s like those in power actively want to make things worse for entry and mid level workers.

Before people say ‘go into the trades’, even those are going to experience an oversupply of workers in a few years. That alone will drive down cost of labor. Basic economics, my friends. And what is happening to office workers now, that will be trades people when AI gets good enough to go into robots. Heck, Amazon already ’employs’ robot employees. And automation of factories is happening right now in China. We just don’t hear much about it in the US. Too busy fighting among ourselves to notice how much the world has really changed in the last dozen years. Brushing up on my Mandarin Chinese to get ahead of the rush. Ni hao to my Chinese friends 🙂 I think that’s how they say ‘hi’ over there.

With the way things are now, I’m glad I moved to OKC three years ago. At least I am close to family now rather than hundreds of miles away stuck in the middle of rural Nebraska. I get along quite well with my brother and his kids. I still see my parents a couple of times a month. My life has gotten a lot less stressful since I moved out of their house in the suburbs. I enjoy being in the city. At least I don’t have to drive everywhere now.

My birthday is in June. My drivers’ license expires then. While I will get the state issued ID, I won’t be renewing my driving license. I don’t think I’m safe being a driver anymore. My reaction times aren’t as sharp as they were even eight years ago. I don’t enjoy driving and haven’t for several years. Besides, here in the city, I get almost anything delivered and can hire Uber or Lyft if I really don’t feel like going out. We have some public transit, but most American cities are not as easily walkable as most places in Europe or Asia.

And why should I have a drivers’ license? Self-driving EVs will be hitting the used car market by the time I get well enough I could potentially leave my facility. I used to joke that my niece and youngest nephew would never really need a drivers’ license. My brother owns a self-driving EV. So, I guess I was right even when I made that prediction back in 2017.

I totally understand why people are worried about tech unemployment. As much as people complain about their jobs, it does give them structure and meaning. It took me a long time to adapt to life after employment once my schizophrenia got bad enough to destroy my career. It was one hell of a blow to my pride to get crippling panic attacks every day before I went to even a minimum wage job. I’m thankful for disability pension and was able to escape that mess before it killed me. I suppose you could say doing this blog is my way of giving back even though I can no longer hold a minimum wage job.

Keeping Body and Mind Busy with A Mental Illness

Posted on by
4

One of the keys to living with a mental illness or disability is one has to keep busy. It’s important to keep moving as much as possible, even if it’s only a short walk, daily stretching, or chores around the apartment. Physical activity doesn’t necessarily have break a serious sweat or cause muscle pain. Enough to get the blood flowing a little faster and make one breathe deeper, even for only a few minutes at a time, can add up if done every day.

Mental stimulation is just as important as physical activity. To this end, I read traditional books, read online articles about science advances and economics, listen to audio files on YouTube. It helps that I went ahead and subscribed to YouTube premium as I got tired of all the ads every few minutes. Before I signed up for YouTube premium, I even had to sit through an ad while listening to an audio file of the Bible. Nothing says redemption quite like listening to ads for Chipotle or Toyota.

For my mental stimulation, in addition to lots of reading and podcasts every day, I also play building and simulation games on my laptop. I love games like Railroad Tycoon, Civilization, Total War, Stellaris, and Sim City. The closest thing to first person shooters I ever really got into were Skyrim and Cyberpunk 2077. I do play some sports games on my PS to break up the routine. Even then I try to do more simulations and off field management than actual game day play.

To this end, for example NCAA Football 26. I experiment sometimes with different recruiting, play calling, and scheduling styles. I like to sometimes create a new coach, start him at a small school, let him build the small school into a winning program, and then see if I can get jobs at larger universities. Once I started at Wyoming, plugged the option offense and an aggressive 3-4 defense in and was able to win conference within three years. I tend took a job at Arkansas and won back-to-back national titles within 5 years running the same option offense, aggressive defense, and focusing my recruiting efforts primarily in Texas. One of these days I’m going to start a career at somewhere I don’t normally take, like Notre Dame or Ohio State and run a 40-year dynasty at those places. I’ve already done multiple scenarios like that in previous versions of NCAA Football.

One of my favorite missions in Railroad Tycoon is to replay the building of The Orient Express in the 19th century. The Orient Express ran from Paris to Istanbul in real life and was considered a luxurious and exotic route, going through so many nations and cultures.

Those are some of my day to day routines in keeping my mind and body busy in my life with mental illness. I may never be well enough to regularly work again (at least not enough to support myself) but I am far from giving up on life.

Memorial Day Weekend 2026

Posted on by
1

Memorial Day weekend starts today. Unofficial start of summer here in the US. The schools have let out for the summer here in the city. After several days of cool and rainy weather it’s starting to feel like early summer. And I am loving it.

Traditionally summers have been my toughest time of year. August is typically my worst month for mental health problems. Maybe this year will be different. This is going to be my first summer since 2021 I am effectively living by myself. In summer 2022 I had an awful roommate who was hard of hearing, watched his tv at full volume and always watched reality tv and Doomsday Preppers. He was often sit in his wheelchair in the middle of the room and always refused to move his chair out of the way whenever I had to use the bathroom. He finally got moved in September after he yelled at and kicked a nurse. Wasn’t sorry to see him leave. After he left, I did four months of physical therapy, got far more mentally stable, and lost a bunch of weight.

In February 2023 I got well enough to make the move from rural Nebraska to suburban Oklahoma City. I lived with my parents until something permanent came open. Originally, I was hoping to find something by the end of summer 2023. Turns out I didn’t find anything permanent until summer 2025. Two and a half years of little privacy and watching my parents age and decline messed with my head. It got bad enough that for several months I left my room only to use the bathroom, clean up, and make my own dinner. It was just too painful watching my parents decline. That, and the house wasn’t wheelchair accessible. Even the front door and sidewalk was too narrow for my wheelchair. In some ways, it wasn’t much better than being in jail.

Eventually the hard times ended. My hard times ended when I moved to a facility in the downtown area. I moved here on Labor Day weekend in 2025. I have been doing well and making improvements in the last nine months I have lived here.

Medication wise, I’m down to only one blood pressure medication per day. I take only two psych meds a day instead of the three I was on when I first moved here. And one of the two medications I am currently on is only half the dose I was a taking when I first moved here. Most of my arthritis is gone as long as I take Tylenol and ibophrophen once a day.

I’m on good enough terms with the aides and nurses now that they don’t bother me much and generally leave me alone unless I really need help. I can stand up but still can’t walk from the bed to the front door. I have lost over 100 pounds in the last eight months and lost over 170 pounds since March 2020. I have a new goal of eventually being below 200 pounds. Probably take another few years. But I have developed better habits, have a stable living arrangement for the first time since late 2021, and am not worried about irritable neighbors trying to get me evicted. I thrive in circumstances where I have enough money to eat healthy meals and am not worried about getting kicked out of my home on a landlord’s whim and neighbors’ lies. The cost of rent has gotten inhumane in most places in the US in the last several years.

In other news, my blog is starting to get some real attention. I think it helps that I have been writing an average of once or twice a week for the past 14 years. A few dollars a day worth of advertising really helps. No different than any business. No one is going to visit if they don’t know I’m out here.

I haven’t done this well for this long ever. It’s cool to finally have some privacy and autonomy that people actually respect. I enjoy living where people aren’t going to go through my personal things or look over my shoulder when I’m writing, reading, or doing computer simulation games.

It’s good to have neighbors who aren’t always spying on me or whispering behind my back whenever I run errands. I never had that until I moved to my current home. It’s good that it’s actually quiet here at night most nights. I don’t have to listen to neighbors blasting their tv or arguing with each other most nights.

It’s nice to live in a complex where the cops aren’t showing up every day to break up domestic disputes or investigate thefts or assaults. Goodness knows I never had that in 16 years of living in low-income housing even in a small town. The last three to four years were the worst. The pandemic made it unbearable to even leave my apartment. Thankful I’m no longer in that toxic hellhole mess. Only time I had privacy as a kid was when I went to the backyard. And sometimes the neighborhood kids would watch me as I paced and made up stories. It was like, ‘God, why can’t these people get a life.’

Thankfully my life is no longer like that. I am never voluntarily going back to that kind of life. I don’t care if I am loved by my neighbor. I just want him to leave me the hell alone. At least I get that here in the city. And I love it. My goodness I love it. First in my life I can truly be free to be myself without blowback and repercussions. Where was this the first 45 years of my life? Now I would love to make it another 45 years if I can live the way I currently go.

A Fresh Start: Overcoming Challenges and Building Connections

Posted on by
2

I’m doing well after eight months in my new home. First time since the pandemic that my living situation has stabilized. I’m now down to only one blood pressure medication per day. My water retention swelling is gone.

I’ve lost over 100 pounds in the last eight months. I’ve gotten much closer to my brother and his family since moving to Oklahoma in 2023. I probably would have moved a few years sooner if not for the pandemic.

Reading a lot of audiobooks again. I started on The Old Testament of the King James Bible around last Christmas. I’m halfway through. I’m listening to lots of history and economics books too. Recently finished one about the Oil Shortages of the 1970s. Currently working on post-Soviet Union Russia in the 1990s.

Been following sports a lot since last Christmas. Became an Oklahoma City Thunder fan when I moved to Oklahoma in 2023. It’s fun watching them making another deep push in the playoffs.

I became a Colorado Avalanche fan in 1995 after Denver got that team. Looks like they too could make a deep run in the Stanley Cup. The Rockies are not horrible this year in baseball.

Nebraska Husker men’s basketball had its best season ever this year making the third round of the NCAA tournament. And it’s looking like Nebraska football could potentially have a better team this autumn.

I have made lots of friends with the staff members here at my complex. I avoid most of the other residents. Some are too negative. Some are not with it enough to hold a real conversation. I do well here, in part, because I have no roommates. I love not having a roomie. My freshman year in college roommate was a character. After that I decided I would never voluntarily share a sleeping quarters with anyone again.

My arthritis is mostly gone after a few months of Tylenol twice a day. My goodness it was an ordeal convincing the doctor to get me on it the first four months I was here. It was like they couldn’t realize just how bad my arthritis was.

I see my family twice a month. My brother calls me once a week or so. I hear from my best friend from college usually once a week. We talk more often now that baseball season is going. We’re both huge Colorado Rockies fans. We went to one of their World Series games back in 2007. Took several months to pay off that weekend. But it was worth every last penny.

Even though I no longer actively invest, I still pay attention to the stock market and the world of investing. I see that SpaceX and Starlink will probably go public by the end of summer. I have the same feelings about those companies that I had about Facebook in 2009 and Nvidia back in 2021. Pity social security’s rules only allow a small amount in savings to still qualify for Medicaid. Such is I suppose.

I think one of the reasons I’m losing weight faster than expected is due to not eating fast food or sugar very often. Mom and Dad usually bring some Chic fil A when they come to visit a couple times a month. Ordered delivery pizza only a few times since I moved here in August 2025.

My two nephews are done with college for the summer. One is going to work for an engineering firm here in the metro. The other is looking for something in a hospital as he eventually wants to become a physician’s assistant.

My parents are enjoying the retired life. They see their grandkids often. They are quite active in their church. Dad usually has some DIY or hobby projects, like ham radio or model trains, going. Mom is busy with her gardening.

So far 2026 has been better than most years the last seven or eight years. It feels good that my living arrangements are finally settled.

Updates On A Life of Mental Illness, December 2, 2025

Posted on by
2

Been in this nursing home for over three months. They still won’t get me standing and walking even though I’ve lost over 50 pounds. I’m bed bound most days in spite my blood pressure and pain issues being solved. They do use a lift to put me in a recliner a few days per week.

I’ve noticed a lot of people, especially nurses, pulling double shifts lately. Usually that is a sign of financial issues, staffing issues, or low morale. Naturally no one listens to me when I point this out.

My parents don’t seem concerned at all about the home not getting me up and walking. Personally, I think they are too trusting. Both are in their late 70s and in poor health.

I have been here three months and lost fifty pounds. I can honestly say that, between not having to deal with nosy parents every day and having someone help me clean up after bowel movements, my life has improved very much. My blood pressure is low enough that they are talking about discontinuing a couple of my blood pressure meds.

I have one nurse who gives me all of my blood pressure meds every morning she is working. And then I spend much of the day lightheaded and sleepy.

I’m angry my home hasn’t even tried to get me to even stand up in the three months I have been here. I’m never going to get better if this continues. My parents think it’s no big deal and it’s nothing they can do anything about.

During the pandemic I was having health issues that was contributing to my having a dirty apartment. It was bad enough I was threatened with eviction until we hired a cleaning lady. Since then, I have resolved most issues other than mobility. That’s the last thing in my way.

Even when I get healthy enough to leave the nursing home, I’m not sure where I will go. Most low income housing is crime infested and ghetto. With my social security wages, I can’t afford even the utilities on my mom’s house. She lives in a nice, near crime free neighborhood with lots of young families and middle class retirees. I can’t afford a place like that. My brother still has two kids at home. Probably doesn’t have room for me. Maybe I could go back to Nebraska and live with one of my aunts. But both are elderly and live far away from even basic medical services. Farm living at my age and disability doesn’t appeal to me.

I’m not even sure social security disability will even be a thing in eight to ten years. The federal government already has a debt of almost 40 trillion dollars. Programs are being cut. But any politician who suggests tax increases is committing political suicide. My country is essentially bankrupt. But shit like that happens when your government runs deficits most years for more than 50 years. We painted ourselves into a corner. In short, it’s one massive and soggy shit sandwich and every American under the age of 60 is going to be eating it some every day for generations. It’s one of the reasons I don’t trust authority figures.

Even though I’ve had mostly setbacks for the last ten years, I refuse to give up. I flat out refuse to let my bullies and abusers get the best of me. I do find some satisfaction in seeing I outlived school bullies or abusive bosses and teachers. Sure, it’s petty. So are most American problems. 80 years of prosperity since the end of World War 2 has made us physically and intellectually lazy and immoral as a people. I fear that the troubles we have gone through the last several years are just Karma catching up to my nation. The thought fills me with dread. But Justice is eventually served, even if it takes generations to fully bloom.

Summer 2025 and Mental Illness

Posted on by
1

I’ve been spending more time alone than usual this summer. My mom is done with physical therapy on her knee surgery. She’s getting around as good as ever after a couple months of regular therapy. I’m happy my mom is more mobile. But I am concerned about my desire to be more isolated than usual.

Summers are usually a tough time for me, tougher than normal. Haven’t had any major meltdowns this summer, but have had a couple sessions where I was alright after several minutes of ranting and raving. I see my psychiatrist this week. I plan on telling her I isolate more than normal and it concerns me. While I have never been Mr. Social Hour, it is concerning when I had days I flat out said I don’t care if I ever make any new friends or acquaintances. 45 years old is too young to give up on new people, schizophrenia or not.

Even though I make less than 1000 dollars a month, I still manage to have a decent time on such low wages. I pay rent every month, buy some groceries (I usually buy the non perishable food while mom and dad by vegetables, fresh meat, etc.), and manage to put a little into savings every month.

Splurging for me involves zero alcohol beer, chicken wings (I’m a sucker for garlic parmesan and medium hot wings from Pizza Hut), and Husker football games. The new season starts in a few weeks. Nebraska is expected to have a pretty decent team as most of our starters from last year’s team are coming back. I hope they are right.

I’ve also been losing fat all summer. My arms no longer jiggle, most of the fat around my lower stomach is gone. I’ve lost all the fat around my thighs. My calf muscles are huge even though I don’t walk much. I am able to walk from my recliner to my bed or my wheelchair. But I really don’t have much of a desire to leave my room.

I still socialize even though I don’t have much desire to leave my room. I have college friends I talk to a couple times a month. I talk to my brother usually once a week. I see my parents a few times a day.

I still get most of my sleep during the day. It’s been really hot here in Oklahoma lately. Typical August. Should start cooling off in a month or so. First football game is last weekend in August. First games are notorious for high temperatures.

I dream more these days. And I remember them better too. Most dreams involve me being back in childhood home town or in college. I sometimes dream about being back in Kearney and unable to find my apartment. I sometimes dream about floods and even modern ice ages. When I fall asleep during podcasts, which I do a couple times per week, I can hear the dialog in my dreams. I sometimes dream about being able to walk long distances again and even navigate stairs.

My pains have also changed. Some days I have no pain in my knees at all. Other days I hurt enough to know getting up would not be a good idea. I have more good days than I did even six months ago.

I think one of the reasons I spend so much time alone is because I want to be alone most of the time. Living in the suburbs, there are always people nearby. But in the small towns I used to live in, I couldn’t go anywhere without my neighbors knowing or commenting. It got real annoying. One thing I love about suburban living is the opportunity to be unseen and unnoticed when I want to be alone. I love the variety in restaurants too. I’m thankful my parents like trying new restaurants and bringing me some food when they get home.

I spend so much time alone because I can get most of my socializing done online or on the phone. Most of my groceries can be delivered via Kroger, Wal Mart, or even Door Dash. I can get almost everything from Amazon within two days as Oklahoma City has at least one huge Amazon facility.

Now that I have a home health care nurse who sees me once a week and a doctor come in every four to six weeks, I don’t even have to leave home for health care really. Haven’t been to a hospital in almost a year. I actually prefer doctors and nurses who make house calls. House calls were normal for generations. I’m glad they are an option again.

I haven’t driven a car in six years. I don’t miss it. I can get everything delivered. If I need a ride, I can hire an Uber or Lyft. My parents still have a car. My brother has a Tesla with self driving capabilities. I don’t need a car anymore, not even in the suburbs. I always thought the idea that everyone needed a car was ridiculous. I’m glad I now live in a time and place where I don’t need a car. Heck, the only time I really need to leave home is for medical emergency. I guess if I have to be chronic mentally ill and have bad mobility, most times and places are worse than 2025 Oklahoma City.

One of the things I am saving up for is a home humanoid robot. Sure it is several years off, but I am saving up for home humanoid help robot to help around the house, especially if my mobility never comes back. I don’t think most people realize how big robotics are going to be. Wouldn’t surprise me if robotics are bigger than even automotive in 10 years. I’m still amazed at how fast people adopted smart phones and Chatbots.