I haven’t been doing as well the last few days as I have been in previous months. I’m feeling excessively paranoid and just wanting to be alone all the time anymore. I don’t even enjoy talking on the phone. Other than a couple friends and a couple futurist groups, I have given up on socializing on facebook. Just seems to me that everyone wants to be irritable and riled up all the time anymore. And it makes me sick. Makes me wonder why bother being an optimist or trying to stay in a good mood. Everyone else it seems is in always in a lousy and angry mood, why should I be any different? I just don’t see any happiness or genuine joy in the world anymore. I’m just scared all the time anymore. I’m scared of my neighbors, I’m scared of my landlords, I’m scared of my family, and I’m scared of even friends and acquiantances anymore. It’s like empathy doesn’t exist anymore. I just want to stay home and sleep all the time anymore. And even in my dreams I am tormented. But at least my dreams aren’t real. My paranoias might not be reality either, but they just as well be as that is how powerful the human mind is. I’m just too tired and burned out to stay angry all the time anymore. That anger has given way to genuine fear and anxiety. I am tired of being full of fear all the time. I used to believe the future would be really cool if we could get past our short term issues. I no longer believe that. I think the dystopians were right and the future will be worse than even now. I’ve observed people in my own life since I was a child and rarely do people change for the better over the years. Most actually get more angry, greedy, irritable, and hateful as they age. At least, that’s the impression that I have gotten over the years. I’m tired of always being sad and depressed. I’m tired of seeing nothing but hate and anger in everyone I meet anymore. People like that just as well be back in the Stone Age. And maybe that’s where we are heading. I hope not. I guess I’m writing just to get things I’ve kept bottled up for weeks now. I’m scared if I had the traditional psych breakdown where I vent for a couple hours that I’ll get the cops called on me and I will definately then be evicted. I’ve always had the fear of being evicted from my apartment too. Had that for years. I doubt it would be any better if I owned my own property. I’m just paranoid to a disabling degree. But such is the nature of schizophrenia. And I still have no understanding of people who don’t believe that mental illness exists. But some people are just ignorant and lack any kind of empathy. If you have no empathy, than I won’t deal with you. The world needs empathy, compassion, and a willingness to forgive and let a few things slide more than ever. And I just don’t see this happening, at least not where I live.
I just realized that I don’t post as much to this blog as much as I used to. I just really haven’t had that much drama in my life lately. I’m not complaining. Drama and mental illness are vicious tag team partners that are always together. Normally with mental illness, it has been quite rare that I don’t have at least a minor flare up every few days. It’s just that as I have aged and matured I don’t act on these impulses nearly as much anymore. I have learned that yes, it is alright to feel bad. Yes, it is alright to fume and quietly rant to yourself. This is especially true if it helps me cope with mental illness and I don’t take out my issues on other people. Mental illness is scary enough for me. I can’t imagine how bad it is to someone who isn’t familiar with the ups and downs.
As it is as I have aged and been under treatment for most of my adult life, I have fewer ups and downs than I did in my teens and early twenties. It is actually quite nice to not have problems like I had in the past. Yet it did come at the cost of almost isolating myself for much of my life. Fortunately for myself I can keep myself in good company for days at a time if need be. It is kind of a lonely life, but at least I have always been one who preferred my own company or small groups as opposed to being Mr. Social Hour. I enjoy living a drama free life. At least, my life is as drama free as someone with schizophrenia is going to be.
Today was the first day in weeks we had warm weather. I had to get outside to enjoy it. This has been a tougher than usual winter. I spent a lot of time indoors and hibernating because of the bad cold spells and snow storms. Now that it’s almost March I can see the beginning of the end of winter. And I am not sorry at all to see winter on it’s way out.
Been spending too much time indoors and isolating. There were times I would go entire days without leaving my apartment. With as bad as the weather was, it seemed pointless to just wander the halls. There were days I would sleep sometimes as much as twelve hours a day just out of boredom. Unfortunately I didn’t get as much reading done as I would have liked this winter. And I was lazy about writing for the last few weeks. While I have been stable mentally this winter, this was probably because I wasn’t doing much to invite troubles. I lost some of my social contacts from isolating and staying home so much this winter. Hopefully I can get those reestablished soon.
I still hear from old friends and family a couple times a week. Not as often as I would like, but I get that most people don’t have as much free time as I do. Mental illness essentially sent me into early retirement right about when my friends’ careers were taking off. Most of my friends now are married and have kids. I have as much freedom as anyone I know and yet I don’t get to share it very often. It’s a shame that most of my best friends from the past live out of state. I do have online friends from my discussion groups, but many of them live in other countries. I’ll probably never get to meet them in person even though I have far more in common with these friends than I do most people in my own hometown.
I would love to travel more but I absolutely can’t stand driving anymore. And flying airlines anymore is about as enjoyable as going to the dentist for root canal work. I have friends scattered to the four winds I haven’t seen since college graduation that I would give almost anything to see even for a few days. Since some of the old friends live in foreign countries I’d have to get a passport. I don’t know what Social Security’s rules are for disabled people traveling overseas and collecting disability pension. But I guess those dreams of travel and seeing old friends will stay in the realm of pipe dreams probably forever. I’ll just have to do the next best thing and socialize online I suppose.
Been several days since I last wrote. An update is in order. I’m still sleeping more than I would like. To see if I can change this around, I’m starting to sleep in a recliner. When I slept in my recliner because of back pains, I would usually be awake shortly after sunrise and sleep only 6 to 7 hours per night. As it is now, I have been sleeping 10 to 14 hours a night for much of the summer. Something has to change. Mentally I have been feeling well for months. Since late summers are usually the toughest time of year for me, I have been reluctant to change much this summer. As good as I have been feeling lately I haven’t wanted to change my meds or routines. But this sleeping twelve hours a day and being up most of the night can’t be kept up. My social life is hurting because of it and I haven’t been outside of my hometown all summer. I have to make some changes.
I think some of my neighbors may be worried about me considering how little I socialize in my complex and how I often sleep during the days. I try to keep out of peoples’ ways and keep to myself most days lately. This is a change as I used to be more social than I am now. I think I don’t socialize much mainly because of the paranoia I still sense when I’m around large groups of people or out in public. Even though I have much of the depression and hallucinations of schizophrenia taken care of, I still deal with some paranoia and social anxiety. I haven’t dealt with this level of social anxiety in several years like what I’m dealing with now. Sometimes I’m even too anxious to run regular errands like buying groceries until I absolutely need to. Needless to say, this isn’t healthy. And with winter coming up, I’m just going to have to break out of this anxiety somehow and start buying more than a few days worth of food at a time. Some winters we can get big blizzards that will shut things down for a couple days. And of course ice storms also make traveling during the winter tough. So I think I have no choice but to “feel the fear and do it anyway” and just start stocking up for when the weather turns cold in a couple months. Fortunately I tend to be more stable in the winter and spring than summer and early autumn.
I haven’t had a regular counselor for several months. Not because I was upset with my counselor or anything like that. It’s just that I got stable enough I didn’t think I really needed it. Mentally I’m stable and have been for months. I still face some social anxiety and do feel anxious about driving somedays. That’s the big reason I haven’t left my hometown all summer.
One of the good things about living as an adult with mental illness that I didn’t have in my late teens when this mental illness was just getting started is that I can still keep in contact with people real easy as opposed to twenty years ago. I may sometimes rant about the abuses that people do with their Facebook and twitter accounts, but they are still good ways to keep in touch with people from my high school, college, and extended family. I definitely regretted not going to my family reunion this summer, especially since my mother and father were the main hosts. But the anxiety was that strong. I know the anxiety exists in my brain and mind but the mind is strong enough that it can make anxiety real enough to be crippling in some cases. I have friends who have problems with anxiety and depression too. It breaks my heart that I often can’t do much to help them out other than being a sounding board and listen to them. I tend to be a problem solver by nature, but sometimes things like depression, anxiety, and mental illness simply don’t have immediate solutions.
I’m adjusting nicely to the summer. Traditionally summers have been my roughest times of year. I would usually be more paranoid and irritable than usual this time of year. I could usually count on at least one psychotic breakdown every summer, usually in late August or early September. Both times I went to the mental hospital were in early September. So there is a seasonal aspect to my schizophrenia. Having dealt with this illness for close to twenty years I have figured out that there are times of year that are worse than others. July and August are always tough. The holidays season can be tough unless I avoid crowds and lots of stimulation. Winters and springs are always pleasant and productive times for me. I do a great deal of writing and reading in the winters and springs. Spring has always been a favorite time of year for me.
But this summer so far I’m doing well. I think it helps that I usually spend a lot of time out of the heat and avoid stressful situations and people. Granted this means a pretty lonely stretch of the year where I don’t socialize much in person. Yet, I still keep in contact with family and friends via phone calls and internet. Facebook is a large means of promotion for this blog.
As it is, I don’t have a regular job. Haven’t for five years. Before I decided to devote myself to this blog and being an advocate for the mentally ill who couldn’t speak for themselves, I worked a variety of jobs. Over the years I have worked as a salesman, a teachers’ aide at a small university, a factory worker, a janitor, a loading dock employee, a fast food cook, a waiter, and a tutor. Even though this blog doesn’t even break even, I consider it the most rewarding job I ever had. I have gotten many dozens of comments that have stated that I am helping them or helping them understand loved ones with mental illness problems. I have been doing this blog for over four years, which is as long as I held my longest job. Used to be I’d get serious anxiety attacks before I went to work and even while I was at work. Many of these would be bad enough that I would vomit before I went into work. After years of fighting these anxiety issues, I decided that working a traditional job wasn’t in my future. I thought I needed to change course because I was making myself miserable over minimum wage jobs and dealing with rude and unreasonable people. I have a few horror stories from my time working in retail and fast food. I’m sure most working in these industries have far more. As it was, I came to the conclusion that regular work wasn’t worth it anymore. It it wasn’t for Disability Insurance, I would either be homeless, in prison, or dead. So it bothers me anytime someone talks about wanting to eliminate these programs. What kind of “advanced” civilization doesn’t care about the weakest and most vulnerable among their citizens?
I did not end up on disability by my own doing or choice. I originally went to college with the idea of going to medical school and becoming a medical research scientist. But my problems with mental illness got so severe in college that I had to change paths and even take a semester long break. I finally graduated with a business degree. The reason I chose business was that I wanted to be employable as soon as I left college. Even though I love writing and reading, I had heard horror stories about liberal arts majors working minimum wage jobs because they couldn’t find work in their fields.
It turned out that I’m grateful I didn’t succeed in sales or find a banking job like I thought I would after graduation. I know now that I would be miserable wearing a suit and dealing with people day after day. At least with a blog I don’t even have to leave my living room. No shirt, no shoes, no problems I suppose in my chosen field.
In closing I’m doing well despite it being a traditionally rough time of year for me. I think the medications changes I undertook a few weeks ago are working. And after twenty years of mental illness, I have figured out that there are some things that can make even tough situations much more bearable.
Haven’t been out that much the last few days besides getting a little sunshine everyday, at least on days the sun is shining. We’ve been getting rain everyday it seems for almost two weeks. So I’ve been living off my food reserves and rarely leaving the apartment the last few days.
Not that I really mind. Sometimes it’s therapeutic just being alone with my thoughts for hours on end. It takes me a long time to fall asleep anymore, but I spend most of the time trying to fall asleep allowing my mind to wander. I am sometimes my own best company.
In the past I’ve tried day programs designed for mentally ill people. But much of what went on seemed quite remedial to me, almost like a rehash of grade school. I found such programs quite boring and didn’t make any friends there.
I’m finding it harder to make friends the older I get. Most people my age have careers and families. I really can’t relate to either one. And some people don’t want to friend me because I don’t have a family or a career. And it’s really tough making friends in my apartment complex anymore. Half of the people in my complex are senior citizens, and some of them seem resentful that I live in low income housing with them. The other half are people with chronic illnesses and developmental disabilities. It can get lonely in here at times. I know that spending most of my life alone isn’t healthy. But many people I just can’t relate to because I’m terrible at small talk. Too bad there aren’t communes for eccentric people like me with a variety of interests. Kind of like dormitory living for adults. I know, not going to happen.
The depression occasionally crops up. Fortunately the delusions and paranoia hasn’t followed. I have lost interest in many things I once found enjoyable. I no longer like travel. I no longer like fishing. I don’t even read as much as I used to. Maybe I’m entering a new phase of my illness. In a lot of ways, the illness itself is much easier to cope with than ten to fifteen years ago. But I still do get kind of sad when I look at my friends and people I went to school with and I get to see what they’ve accomplished and their families. I definitely feel like I’m missing out. At least I can still write about these issues. It’s the closest thing to a career I’ll ever have.
Been raining for almost a week straight in my town. Not that I mind because it gives me an excuse to sleep in and stay home. I’ve always been a natural night person and I don’t see that changing soon. Unfortunately my landlord’s office hours are always in the morning so I never get to see her. I’ve given up on ever getting my walls painted and carpet replaced. I’ve been hearing that it was coming for over a year. They can build skyscrapers in less than a year in China it seems. Yet I can’t get approval for my walls to be painted and carpet replaced. Go figure. And people wonder why I don’t trust authority figures.
Somedays I really wonder if I am making any difference with being mentally ill or even making progress with this illness. I’ve pretty much come to the conclusion that I’ll never get cured of schizophrenia, which would be a dream come true for me. I’ve fought this illness for over twenty years and I’m tired of it. I’m tired of always feeling paranoid. I’m tired of being depressed all the time. I’m tired of not being able to work. I’m tired of people thinking I’m just making my problems up. I’m angry that I’m never going to live up to my potential through no fault of my own. It would be one thing if I fried my brains through drug abuse. I would probably get more empathy if this illness was self inflicted. The public’s lack of understanding about mental illness and anything having to do with science is sickening. I mean this is 2017 people, we’re supposed to be an advanced civilization. Not advanced enough for me that’s for sure.
I can’t even really socialize anymore. Most people seem to be in foul moods all the time or just want to talk about stupid things that have been rehashed a thousand times before. Do people really get dumber the older they get? I was always under the impression that older people were supposed to be wise and full of good advice. Not so from what I’ve seen. Most days I just don’t want to leave my apartment anymore. I’m just tired of dealing with stupid and rude people all day. I’m so glad I no longer work in retail customer service. Those people take an incredible amount of abuse for no more then they are paid.
I don’t know if there is a point to this post. I’m sure some are thinking I should “man up” and “quit whining.” But, even I have moments of weakness at times. I can’t be everyone’s Mr. Sunshine all the time. And I shouldn’t have to be. Years ago, someone with my diagnosis would be long term hospitalized and never heard from again. Out of sight out of mind. One of the reasons we’re seeing more and more mentally ill people in public is because of deinstitutionalization. It’s not that the younger generations are weaker and morally inferior to previous generations. It’s not that at all. Modern times are not crazier than the past, they are just better documented. I’m just tired that’s all. I just need to vent. And if a mentally ill person isn’t allowed to vent, then no one should.
I visited with my nephews and niece a few days ago. I got to see my parents too for the first time since Christmas. I had a good time with the kids. They are ages 12, 10, 8, and 5. They are old enough they don’t get into a lot of trouble and can be quite entertaining. Seeing those kids grow up and develop interests and personalities of their own is bittersweet. I am happy that my brother and his wife were able to have several kids, are able to take care of them, and raise them to be respectable and well behaved kids. But it does make me realize some of what I have lost and will never be able to experience on my own because of my schizophrenia.
I have written a lot in the past about alternating between being sad, angry, and depressed about the career and life opportunities I lost in the name of mental illness. I have written much less about being sad and depressed about never being able to marry or have kids. Outside of my best female friend, I really have little experience with dating. I was turned down every time I ever asked a girl out on a date in high school and most of the time when I was in college. By the time I was halfway through college I gave up on the idea of ever marrying because it just seemed like a lost cause and wasted effort. I never could figure out why I did so poorly with women. But I haven’t really cared for years as I know that ship set sail a real long time ago and that I just as well make the best of being single and lonely for life.
For many years I was making the best of it. After seeing some of my classmates go through rough divorces or slog through unhappy marriages, I was grateful I never did marry. But after seeing my brother’s kids mature through the years and come into their own, I am beginning to realize that if children are raised well, they can be the greatest things that ever happened to you.
It wasn’t until a few days ago that I realized just how lonely I am most of the time. I really don’t talk to that many people in person any more. I almost never socialize outside of close family and friends. I still sleep ten to twelve hours a day. I think that is a subconscious way of dealing with the loneliness. I really am lonely most of the time. Have been for the last couple years since three of my older friends in my apartment complex died within six months of each other.
As much as I hated the office politics of a job, at least I was able to find a few moments of joyful interactions everyday with other people. As much as I didn’t like the social aspects of high school, I still had my friends and some friendly acquaintances. I don’t have any of that anymore. I can understand how some people, men especially, lose a lot of joy in their lives and much of their identity when they retire or get laid off from a job. I would consider going back to work except that mentally I’m too unstable and too discouraged to work a traditional job. Besides much of what I could do in a traditional job will probably get automated within the next several years anyway. Perhaps that is why I devote so much time to this blog. It gives me identity and it could be my legacy since I’ll never be able to get married or have kids. Things have often been lonely and discouraging the last couple years. Being mentally ill is a death sentence to anyone’s social life.
The weather is starting to warm up and the days are getting longer. Spring will be in full effect within a few weeks. I am enjoying the warmer weather. I’m getting out of my apartment a few times a day to enjoy the warmer weather. During the course of the winter I have gotten lazy about cleaning my apartment. So a few days worth of spring cleaning is in order. Unfortunately I let my house kind of slide for the colder winter months.
Baseball will also be starting in a few weeks. I still have several days to do some research before I have to pick my fantasy league baseball team. Been watching a few pre season games the last few days. First time I really watched regular tv since the Super Bowl. February has always been a slow time of year for me.
Been feeling pretty stable mentally overall. I have started to wake up earlier as I no longer sleep until noon every day. I don’t sleep as much and I think my body and mind are starting to reenter spring mode again. I’m not staying up as late either. Seems to me that my overnight mentality is strongest in the darker days of winter.
I can tell that spring is almost here and winter is all but done. The weather is warming up, the nights aren’t as long, daylight saving time will begin next weekend in my country, the trees are starting to bud, the grass is a little greener, and it seems that the people around me are getting in better moods as the weather warms and the days get longer. I had dealt with so many foul moods over the last few months I pretty much isolated for most of the winter. I just didn’t want to deal with angry people anymore. But even the people in my life are starting to act more cheerful and optimistic.
Even though I have been making a point to leave my apartment several times every day I still haven’t worked up to taking an extended road trip. I haven’t been outside of my town since last fall. I actually made it through the winter with having to fill my gas tank only once I drove so little this winter. But I think since the weather is starting to warm I may have to make a few trips. It has gotten old spending most of my time at home and having the bulk of my social interactions taking place over phone and internet.
I am looking forward to spring. I am glad that winter is all but over. Won’t be long now.
Haven’t written in awhile. But I guess I haven’t had much to report. Been quite stable for a few weeks now. I still sleep a great deal, mainly after I stay awake quite late. I haven’t really gone anywhere for most of the winter. We haven’t had as much snow as previous years and we have probably seen the worst winter is going to offer. It did help that our traditional mid winter thaw was longer than usual, lasting almost two weeks. I was able to spend more time outside and been out of my apartment more the last two weeks. We have probably only a month of cold and icy weather left before spring comes into full effect.
It’s been a quiet and lonely winter for me. I haven’t had house guests since Christmas and I haven’t had much for conversation with my neighbors this winter. I think my social skills are deteriorating as a result. But I have gotten to where I actually prefer to be alone with my thoughts, my writings, my computers, and my reading and research. And I have gotten to where I really don’t mind sleeping ten hours a day. I imagine as the days continue to get longer I’ll start sleeping less. I usually sleep a lot in winter.
I haven’t really been depressed or irritable for weeks now. I don’t know if this is because I avoid socializing or just avoid confrontations overall. I still don’t watch any traditional tv and haven’t for weeks. If it wasn’t for my video games I wouldn’t even own a tv. Overall I’m getting by on little in terms of material possessions and trying to enjoy everyday as much as possible.