Tag Archives: loneliness

The Pains of Socializing While Mentally Ill

Posted on by
Reply

I don’t leave my apartment complex very often these days. Sure it is painful to be constantly lonely. But the pain of being around arrogant, angry, and rude people is even worse. I’m actually scared of socializing with people I don’t know. I literally do not have the ability to read people. Never have. I don’t know how to pick up on social cues, don’t know when people are angry with me without them yelling at me, don’t know when people are happy with me unless they specifically say so, and I certainly have no ability to pick up on things like power dynamics. It makes socializing with most people almost impossible. The pandemic and deepening divisions within society over the last several years have made it even worse.

I haven’t had a day without paranoia for several years. I get paranoid when I hear footsteps in the hallway. I get paranoid having to interact with my neighbors and landlady. I get paranoid even hearing people call my name. For the vast majority of my life, the only time people wanted to see me was to condemn me or point out what I was doing wrong. Most of this was quite nasty. I don’t enjoy socializing. It’s a nightmare for me.

Naturally I hate talking about my problems. First of all, seems like no one cares. Second, nothing ever changes when I do complain. I’ve had maintenance issues in my apartment that have taken over five years to solve. They got solved only when my family got involved. I don’t understand that. Why is it my complaints are ignored but when multiple people, namely my family, get involved, suddenly it’s like things start getting done. Even my doctors have never listened to me. It’s why I don’t go to doctors unless it’s an emergency. It’s just a waste of time if they aren’t going to listen to you and nothing ever changes.

I feel the same way about politics. I can’t understand why people are so rabid about their political beliefs when politicians are notorious for not getting things done or making effective change. The politicians themselves don’t decrease my quality of life, it’s the people who have a religious like fervor for their political beliefs that do. Sadly, that is most of my family and many of my friends. I’ve lost most of my friends over the last several years because of how serious they took politics. They care about it more then they care about their own children it seems.

I am tired of constantly feeling lonely. I don’t isolate because I am anti social, even though even my own parents accused me of this all the time while growing up. I am not anti social, I just have different interests than most people. Always have. Always will. I can’t even watch a football game anymore without hearing friends and family complain about the players, the coaches, the officiating, the strategy, etc. Most of this complaining comes from people who haven’t played even junior high sports. I don’t know anything about quantum physics or engineering, but I am not going to criticize those who spend their entire careers to such fields. My brother is an electrical engineer by trade. He has probably forgotten more about computers and electronics than I could learn in five lifetimes. I refuse to comment on his work. Yet people, who’s only experience with competition was playing dodgeball in grade school PE, feel they have a God given duty to complain about star athletes and coaches. Is it because we as a species value physical strength more than we do wisdom and knowledge? Probably.

As far as feeling lonely, it’s not because I hate people. When I find someone with similar interests, I can talk to them for hours. But if all people want to do is talk about how much they hate their jobs, how disrespectful the kids are, or the weather, I’ll be looking to end the conversation within a few minutes.

Advertisement

Being Alone vs Being Lonely

Posted on by
1

I’ve spent most of my life alone. I haven’t had a roommate since 2004 and haven’t been on a date since 2006. It’s not that I don’t like having conversations or in person interaction. I have very rarely met people who share the same interests I do. I grew up in a small farming village of less than 500 people in rural Nebraska. The nearest Wal Mart was over an hour drive away as was the nearest four year college and book store. Most people I knew growing up thought I was odd in preferring to read science and nature books in grade school over playing sports. I never could run fast and was never coordinated enough to do well in sports like baseball or basketball. I didn’t have quick enough reflexes to be very good at most video games. My brother was a master at those. I always lost to him and I gave up trying to compete against him when I was ten years old.

Instead, I spent most of my free time either in the local library or wandering my back yard. While in my back yard, I made up stories and fantasy worlds. It came natural to me. Granted the neighbor kids thought it was funny and used to spy on me. Got me real paranoid after awhile. I didn’t have many friends growing up. I guess no one liked the smart kid who wasn’t afraid of being well read and smart. Even the adults thought I was strange for preferring to read to going to ballgames or county fairs.

It wasn’t until I was eleven that I met a friend who had many of the same interests and was just as much as an outsider as I was. His family moved in from a mountain town in Colorado. We hit it off right away. He and I were discussing politics and economics when most of our classmates were discussing school yard gossip, the latest video games, or the results of the college football games the previous weekend. He and I would sometimes spend our recess time discussing the presidental debates with our sixth grade teacher in 1992. Naturally our classmates thought we were weirdos.

I met my current best friend when I was thirteen. She and her sisters were homeschooled. First time in my entire life I met a kid who loved reading even more than I did. We hit it off immediately. Of course I got a lot of grief from classmates because my best friend was a girl. Half of the school thought I was gay and the other half thought we were all but married by freshman year of high school. Neither was true, she and I just shared similar interests. Most people don’t realize how few options I had for socializing for most of my life. Hell, I didn’t realize how limited my options were until facebook came out. Sadly, facebook turned into a toxic waste dump shortly after being opened to the public at large and big money got involved. Sad to see something so beautiful get so distorted.

Because my best friend in high school was a girl, that killed my chances for dating. Some people have the issues of not being able to get a second date or end up dating losers and jerks. My problem has always been getting anyone to say yes even once. I never did figure out what I was doing wrong. I flat out asked people what I was doing wrong. I never got any answer beyond ‘just be yourself’ and ‘there is someone for everyone.’ Right.

Even going off to college and being the only person from my school on campus didn’t improve my dating prospects. I asked one girl out and she laughed in my face. I had another girl in one class get all angry because she thought I was starring at her when I was really just starring at the clock. I did have a steady dating relationship my second year in college. Like most young romances, it didn’t last. We didn’t have enough similar interests. My last three years of college, I spent whatever time I wasn’t studying for classes in the library reading the classics of philosophy, history, literature, poetry, etc. Those books that serious literature students consider classics but never read, I read dozens of those in my spare time in college. Sure it killed any chance at dating, but I figured out that I wasn’t what most people were looking for anyway. It was no loss.

One I got out on my own, I struggled for a few years bouncing from job to job because of my worsening mental illness. I eventually wound up on disability. Worked a few years just to say I could. In 2012, I took early retirement from traditional work to devote my life to study and writing. At age 40, I’m far happier with this arrangement than with any I’ve ever had. I don’t get spied on by my neighbors like the kids in my hometown did. No one gives me a hard time for not wanting to date anymore. No one insults me because I love to learn. Sure it gets lonely at times, but that is what happens when someone has rare interests and lives in an environment where aren’t many people. Could I have done better socially if I grew up in a suburban setting? I don’t know. I’ll never know at this point. But it does get lonely. Some days I feel like a medieval monk with a great book collection but no one to share that knowledge with.

Quarantine Journal: July 13 2020

Posted on by
Reply

Today is the four month anniversary of when I started my volunteer quarantine for this coronavirus pandemic.  I haven’t gone out much these last four months except to pick up deliveries and check my mail.  Been fortunate that I had a couple neighbors help with my laundry and apartment cleaning.  I am starting to get more mobile again as I have fewer aches and pains.  Even the mornings aren’t too bad if I just give myself a couple minutes to loosen my muscles after sleeping.

Haven’t had any symptoms of the virus yet.  There have been dozens of people in my town who have been sick.  Mentally I am sometimes stressed.  Glad I don’t have much for paranoia these days.  Summers can be tough for me to begin with, especially August and early September.  I think it’s helped that I limit my time on social media and limit my exposure to regular news.  I get most of my news online instead of regular cable channels.  I do occasionally watch Bloomberg online via youtube.  But that is more business and tech news than anything.

I keep in contact with friends and family on a daily basis.  Talked to my nephews and niece this afternoon.  They are visiting the grandparents right now.  I sometimes envy my parents being so close to the rest of the family and living in a larger area with more options for medical care, entertainment, etc.  But I probably couldn’t enjoy much of this as I no longer have a car.  I still have my drivers’ license but I haven’t driven in almost a year.  I just got too much sensory overload and I didn’t feel like I was safe operating a car.  Besides, I’ve rediscovered the joy of staying at home, eating home cooked meals, and hosting guests in my own home as a result.

Haven’t watched much new for tv.  Did finish Upload on Amazon a few weeks ago.  Been listening to audiobooks quite a bit.  Started a new video game, well new to me anyway.  Been working on Final Fantasy 15 for the last few days.  I like games like that and Skyrim.  They are a good change up from the Civilization, Total War, and Sim City games that are my usual fare.

My best friend from college and his wife are expecting their second child in less than two weeks.  They have a two year old daughter.  And my oldest nephew will be taking his drivers’ license test in a few days.  It’s fun watching these kids grow up and develop traits and personalities of their own.  Yet I am thankful I didn’t have children of my own, at least with my mental illness.  Maybe I could have made a decent father and husband had I never become schizophrenic.  I’ll never know.  I rarely dwell on the ‘what could have been’, certainly not like I did ten years ago.  The only times I do the what if game is when I am in a mental breakdown.  Glad those don’t happen very often, usually only a few times per year.  As it is, if I can’t be a father and husband, I can do the next best thing and be a great friend, a great uncle, and a great son to my parents.  Even as a middle aged man getting a few gray hairs in my beard, I will always be my mom and dad’s son.

 

August 18 2019

Posted on by
Reply

Having a decent weekend overall.  Other than feeling a little restless and lonely at the same time, I am doing well.  I haven’t felt restless for weeks so this is kind of a different feeling for me.  I do occasionally get lonely, but usually a few phone calls or chats with friends online will cure me of that.  I’m also noticing the days are getting shorter.  I’m ready for cooler weather and watching football again.  I have done well this summer even if I haven’t gotten out as much as previous summers.  I still keep active with indoor exercise.  I am fortunate in that when my cleaning lady comes to my apartment every week, she will chat with me while she works.  I get some socializing that way.  I also chat up the delivery men when they bring my groceries. I now know why senior citizens get lonely and love it when friends and family drop by for even a few minutes.  I may not be physically as active as years past because of my back and weight problems.  But I am slowly losing weight and regaining some stamina.  I didn’t get out of shape overnight so I can’t expect to remedy this problem quickly either.

January 27, 2019

Posted on by
4

Got an earlier than usual start to this day.  It’s still dark as I write this.  Got only five hours of sleep last night.  I had been getting eight or so for weeks.  I hope this change in sleep patterns isn’t a prelude to problems.  But overall I feel quite well.  Sometimes I do get kind of lonely though.  Socializing over facebook and phone just isn’t the same as seeing someone in person.  But I don’t socialize much in person because it seems that so many people I come into contact with are in foul and irritable moods all the time.  Don’t know what to make of it.  I just don’t want that negativity rubbing off on me.  I don’t have the energy or the time to deal with needless drama anymore.  I’m too old for it.  As it is I’m content to stay alone for the time being.

Paranoia Returning

Posted on by
2

I haven’t been doing as well the last few days as I have been in previous months.  I’m feeling excessively paranoid and just wanting to be alone all the time anymore.  I don’t even enjoy talking on the phone.  Other than a couple friends and a couple futurist groups, I have given up on socializing on facebook.  Just seems to me that everyone wants to be irritable and riled up all the time anymore.  And it makes me sick.  Makes me wonder why bother being an optimist or trying to stay in a good mood.  Everyone else it seems is in always in a lousy and angry mood, why should I be any different?  I just don’t see any happiness or genuine joy in the world anymore.  I’m just scared all the time anymore.  I’m scared of my neighbors, I’m scared of my landlords, I’m scared of my family, and I’m scared of even friends and acquiantances anymore.  It’s like empathy doesn’t exist anymore.  I just want to stay home and sleep all the time anymore.  And even in my dreams I am tormented.  But at least my dreams aren’t real.  My paranoias might not be reality either, but they just as well be as that is how powerful the human mind is.  I’m just too tired and burned out to stay angry all the time anymore.  That anger has given way to genuine fear and anxiety.  I am tired of being full of fear all the time.  I used to believe the future would be really cool if we could get past our short term issues.  I no longer believe that.  I think the dystopians were right and the future will be worse than even now.  I’ve observed people in my own life since I was a child and rarely do people change for the better over the years.  Most actually get more angry, greedy, irritable, and hateful as they age.  At least, that’s the impression that I have gotten over the years.  I’m tired of always being sad and depressed.  I’m tired of seeing nothing but hate and anger in everyone I meet anymore.  People like that just as well be back in the Stone Age.  And maybe that’s where we are heading.  I hope not.  I guess I’m writing just to get things I’ve kept bottled up for weeks now.  I’m scared if I had the traditional psych breakdown where I vent for a couple hours that I’ll get the cops called on me and I will definately then be evicted.  I’ve always had the fear of being evicted from my apartment too.  Had that for years.  I doubt it would be any better if I owned my own property.  I’m just paranoid to a disabling degree.  But such is the nature of schizophrenia.  And I still have no understanding of people who don’t believe that mental illness exists.  But some people are just ignorant and lack any kind of empathy.  If you have no empathy, than I won’t deal with you.  The world needs empathy, compassion, and a willingness to forgive and let a few things slide more than ever.  And I just don’t see this happening, at least not where I live.

Trying To Live The Drama Free Life

Posted on by
1

I just realized that I don’t post as much to this blog as much as I used to.  I just really haven’t had that much drama in my life lately.  I’m not complaining.  Drama and mental illness are vicious tag team partners that are always together.  Normally with mental illness, it has been quite rare that I don’t have at least a minor flare up every few days.  It’s just that as I have aged and matured I don’t act on these impulses nearly as much anymore.  I have learned that yes, it is alright to feel bad.  Yes, it is alright to fume and quietly rant to yourself.  This is especially true if it helps me cope with mental illness and I don’t take out my issues on other people.  Mental illness is scary enough for me.  I can’t imagine how bad it is to someone who isn’t familiar with the ups and downs.

As it is as I have aged and been under treatment for most of my adult life, I have fewer ups and downs than I did in my teens and early twenties.  It is actually quite nice to not have problems like I had in the past.  Yet it did come at the cost of almost isolating myself for much of my life.  Fortunately for myself I can keep myself in good company for days at a time if need be.  It is kind of a lonely life, but at least I have always been one who preferred my own company or small groups as opposed to being Mr. Social Hour.  I enjoy living a drama free life.  At least, my life is as drama free as someone with schizophrenia is going to be.

End of Winter and Desires for Travel

Posted on by
Reply

Today was the first day in weeks we had warm weather.  I had to get outside to enjoy it.  This has been a tougher than usual winter.  I spent a lot of time indoors and hibernating because of the bad cold spells and snow storms.  Now that it’s almost March I can see the beginning of the end of winter.  And I am not sorry at all to see winter on it’s way out.

Been spending too much time indoors and isolating.  There were times I would go entire days without leaving my apartment.  With as bad as the weather was, it seemed pointless to just wander the halls.  There were days I would sleep sometimes as much as twelve hours a day just out of boredom.  Unfortunately I didn’t get as much reading done as I would have liked this winter.  And I was lazy about writing for the last few weeks.  While I have been stable mentally this winter, this was probably because I wasn’t doing much to invite troubles.  I lost some of my social contacts from isolating and staying home so much this winter.  Hopefully I can get those reestablished soon.

I still hear from old friends and family a couple times a week.  Not as often as I would like, but I get that most people don’t have as much free time as I do.  Mental illness essentially sent me into early retirement right about when my friends’ careers were taking off.  Most of my friends now are married and have kids.  I have as much freedom as anyone I know and yet I don’t get to share it very often.  It’s a shame that most of my best friends from the past live out of state.  I do have online friends from my discussion groups, but many of them live in other countries.  I’ll probably never get to meet them in person even though I have far more in common with these friends than I do most people in my own hometown.

I would love to travel more but I absolutely can’t stand driving anymore.  And flying airlines anymore is about as enjoyable as going to the dentist for root canal work.  I have friends scattered to the four winds I haven’t seen since college graduation that I would give almost anything to see even for a few days.  Since some of the old friends live in foreign countries I’d have to get a passport.  I don’t know what Social Security’s rules are for disabled people traveling overseas and collecting disability pension.  But I guess those dreams of travel and seeing old friends will stay in the realm of pipe dreams probably forever.  I’ll just have to do the next best thing and socialize online I suppose.

September 5, 2017

Posted on by
Reply

Been several days since I last wrote.  An update is in order.  I’m still sleeping more than I would like.  To see if I can change this around, I’m starting to sleep in a recliner.  When I slept in my recliner because of back pains, I would usually be awake shortly after sunrise and sleep only 6 to 7 hours per night.  As it is now, I have been sleeping 10 to 14 hours a night for much of the summer.  Something has to change.  Mentally I have been feeling well for months.  Since late summers are usually the toughest time of year for me, I have been reluctant to change much this summer.  As good as I have been feeling lately I haven’t wanted to change my meds or routines.  But this sleeping twelve hours a day and being up most of the night can’t be kept up.  My social life is hurting because of it and I haven’t been outside of my hometown all summer.  I have to make some changes.

I think some of my neighbors may be worried about me considering how little I socialize in my complex and how I often sleep during the days.  I try to keep out of peoples’ ways and keep to myself most days lately.  This is a change as I used to be more social than I am now.  I think I don’t socialize much mainly because of the paranoia I still sense when I’m around large groups of people or out in public.  Even though I have much of the depression and hallucinations of schizophrenia taken care of, I still deal with some paranoia and social anxiety.  I haven’t dealt with this level of social anxiety in several years like what I’m dealing with now.  Sometimes I’m even too anxious to run regular errands like buying groceries until I absolutely need to.  Needless to say, this isn’t healthy.  And with winter coming up, I’m just going to have to break out of this anxiety somehow and start buying more than a few days worth of food at a time.  Some winters we can get big blizzards that will shut things down for a couple days.  And of course ice storms also make traveling during the winter tough.  So I think I have no choice but to “feel the fear and do it anyway” and just start stocking up for when the weather turns cold in a couple months.  Fortunately I tend to be more stable in the winter and spring than summer and early autumn.

I haven’t had a regular counselor for several months.  Not because I was upset with my counselor or anything like that.  It’s just that I got stable enough I didn’t think I really needed it.  Mentally I’m stable and have been for months.  I still face some social anxiety and do feel anxious about driving somedays.  That’s the big reason I haven’t left my hometown all summer.

One of the good things about living as an adult with mental illness that I didn’t have in my late teens when this mental illness was just getting started is that I can still keep in contact with people real easy as opposed to twenty years ago.  I may sometimes rant about the abuses that people do with their Facebook and twitter accounts, but they are still good ways to keep in touch with people from my high school, college, and extended family.  I definitely regretted not going to my family reunion this summer, especially since my mother and father were the main hosts.  But the anxiety was that strong.  I know the anxiety exists in my brain and mind but the mind is strong enough that it can make anxiety real enough to be crippling in some cases.  I have friends who have problems with anxiety and depression too.  It breaks my heart that I often can’t do much to help them out other than being a sounding board and listen to them.  I tend to be a problem solver by nature, but sometimes things like depression, anxiety, and mental illness simply don’t have immediate solutions.

Seasonal Aspects of Mental Illness and My Working History With Mental Illness

Posted on by
2

Featured Image -- 2455

I’m adjusting nicely to the summer.  Traditionally summers have been my roughest times of year.  I would usually be more paranoid and irritable than usual this time of year.  I could usually count on at least one psychotic breakdown every summer, usually in late August or early September.  Both times I went to the mental hospital were in early September.  So there is a seasonal aspect to my schizophrenia.  Having dealt with this illness for close to twenty years I have figured out that there are times of year that are worse than others.  July and August are always tough.  The holidays season can be tough unless I avoid crowds and lots of stimulation.  Winters and springs are always pleasant and productive times for me.  I do a great deal of writing and reading in the winters and springs.  Spring has always been a favorite time of year for me.

But this summer so far I’m doing well.  I think it helps that I usually spend a lot of time out of the heat and avoid stressful situations and people.  Granted this means a pretty lonely stretch of the year where I don’t socialize much in person.  Yet, I still keep in contact with family and friends via phone calls and internet.  Facebook is a large means of promotion for this blog.

As it is, I don’t have a regular job.  Haven’t for five years.  Before I decided to devote myself to this blog and being an advocate for the mentally ill who couldn’t speak for themselves, I worked a variety of jobs.  Over the years I have worked as a salesman, a teachers’ aide at a small university, a factory worker, a janitor, a loading dock employee, a fast food cook, a waiter, and a tutor.  Even though this blog doesn’t even break even, I consider it the most rewarding job I ever had.  I have gotten many dozens of comments that have stated that I am helping them or helping them understand loved ones with mental illness problems.  I have been doing this blog for over four years, which is as long as I held my longest job.  Used to be I’d get serious anxiety attacks before I went to work and even while I was at work.  Many of these would be bad enough that I would vomit before I went into work.  After years of fighting these anxiety issues, I decided that working a traditional job wasn’t in my future.  I thought I needed to change course because I was making myself miserable over minimum wage jobs and dealing with rude and unreasonable people.  I have a few horror stories from my time working in retail and fast food.  I’m sure most working in these industries have far more.  As it was, I came to the conclusion that regular work wasn’t worth it anymore.  It it wasn’t for Disability Insurance, I would either be homeless, in prison, or dead.  So it bothers me anytime someone talks about wanting to eliminate these programs.  What kind of “advanced” civilization doesn’t care about the weakest and most vulnerable among their citizens?

I did not end up on disability by my own doing or choice.  I originally went to college with the idea of going to medical school and becoming a medical research scientist.  But my problems with mental illness got so severe in college that I had to change paths and even take a semester long break.  I finally graduated with a business degree.  The reason I chose business was that I wanted to be employable as soon as I left college.  Even though I love writing and reading, I had heard horror stories about liberal arts majors working minimum wage jobs because they couldn’t find work in their fields.

It turned out that I’m grateful I didn’t succeed in sales or find a banking job like I thought I would after graduation.  I know now that I would be miserable wearing a suit and dealing with people day after day.  At least with a blog I don’t even have to leave my living room.  No shirt, no shoes, no problems I suppose in my chosen field.

In closing I’m doing well despite it being a traditionally rough time of year for me.  I think the medications changes I undertook a few weeks ago are working.  And after twenty years of mental illness, I have figured out that there are some things that can make even tough situations much more bearable.