Since the weather has turned to true spring, I’ve been getting out of my apartment at least a few times per day. Sometimes I’ll sit outside and listen to the birds and watch the squirrels. A few times this spring I had Jimmy John’s delivery and had makeshift picnics. I still don’t drive much simply because I don’t have to, especially since I can do most of my shopping and socializing online or over the phone. But I’ll drive my car at least once a day just to make sure everything is running all right.
I renewed the lease on my apartment for another year just in case the move out of state doesn’t come through. The big hang up is whether my parents can get their acreage sold. Right now they are baby sitting their grandkids for the next several days and looking over a few places in person. I wouldn’t mind moving to a larger city as I have always wanted to live in a city at least once. I’ve lived in villages and small towns my entire life. I’m not as in love with rural living as most of my family and classmates from high school. I would love to see what the world has to offer. Being in spring has me hopeful and thinking about the future.
For most of the winter I had the problem of sleeping too much. I’d sometimes sleep until noon or even later and still be wanting to sleep by midnight. Now my problem is that I just have a real hard time staying asleep, especially in the overnight hours. Of course I’m concerned about this. Sometimes major problems follow large changes in sleep patterns for me. Getting good sleep is important for controlling mental illness problems.
This has been going on for several days. One of the changes I made in an attempt to get more consistent sleep is taking my medications earlier in the night. Sometimes my meds can make me sleepy. Another thing I have done is cutting back on caffeine after 4pm. I admit I love my caffeine, especially coffee and soda pop. But perhaps I’m getting more sensitive to caffeine as I age. But the cutbacks on caffeine make me less jittery but they aren’t helping me sleep much.
One advantage to sleeping less is I’m getting more done. I’m spending more time outside. I’m able to do laundry more often. I’m keeping less clutter around my apartment. Some of my habits have improved as I’m drinking more water and bathing twice a day now. I have always liked taking a hot bath right before bed. It helps me relax. And I think I’ve lost a few pounds in the last couple weeks because I’m more active.
I still sleep some in the overnight hours. I just usually don’t stay asleep for more than two hours at a time. Since I keep my windows open most of the time anymore, I can hear the birds singing in the early morning hours when I would have been sound asleep in the winter months.
As much as I enjoy being able to get more done and having more energy, I am concerned about the changes in my sleep patterns. I have traditionally had problems after major changes in sleep patterns. This concerns me as springs and early summers have traditionally been my happiest times of year. Spring has always been a favorite season of mine. I just hope that if any problems do come up because of this insomnia I’ll be able to handle them without having a blow up on my family or friends.
I’m glad that spring is finally back. I’ve been getting outside a little more often, I’m keeping my place a little cleaner, I’m watching baseball most nights, and I’m even eating less too. I’m still not as physically active as I would like but I think it’s starting to come back. After my car accident in October 2015 I gained back most of the weight I had lost in the previous two years. I think I’m finally back on the right track. Since I still don’t have a great deal of stamina yet, I’m cutting back on calories as much as I can. This means I’m giving up most sugar and eating meat only once a day. I am also doing my best to avoid fried foods. After several weeks of eating less than usual, I think I’m in a new routine. I can’t even eat as much as I could last summer. One of my problems was, after my accident, I got depressed and lost much of my confidence. From there I just got lazy and ate a lot. I have made efforts over the last several weeks to break out of this vicious cycle. And I think I’m starting to see results.
I’ve also noticed my habits are getting better too. During the winter I had gotten kind of lazy about shaving and cleaning up as there were entire days I didn’t leave my apartment complex. I’m back into good habits like these again. I would hate to think I let my personal appearance slide just because I was depressed by lousy weather. But mental illness can do odd things to a person.
I’m starting to socialize some again. Not so much with my neighbors as I am family and old friends. I still don’t enjoy the fact that many of my neighbors are grumpy and irritable most of the time. I have been around that kind of negativity for years and I don’t want it dragging me down. I spent enough of my life being depressed, irritable, and a pessimist. I just don’t want that anymore.
In addition to a change in the seasons, my routines have been changing too. I now stay up well into the night but I am sleeping less. I normally buy groceries in the early morning hours to avoid crowds but I have switched to shopping in the overnight hours. I have also found good deals on perfectly good but day old deli items this way. I think people would be sick if we truly knew how much food we in the developed world let go to waste.
Since I’m staying awake later I’m now reading more online articles and getting my youtube fix in the overnight hours too. I don’t mind the solitude of the overnight hours. Sometimes, thanks to Facebook, I can strike up short conversations with people from other parts of the world due to groups I’m involved with. While we in the U.S. are asleep, much of the world is wide awake. When my cousin lived in Japan, there was a fourteen hour difference between us. I’d chat with her at 10pm my time and she’d be at noon over in Japan.
I don’t mind the overnight hours. It gives me more time to read and write. I sometimes get interrupted during the day hours by phone calls and people knocking on my door. I normally don’t welcome interruptions, at least not initially. If it turns out the interruption is a good one, like a phone call from my parents or college friends, I’ll be glad it happened. I had one such interruption yesterday. I was taking a nap over the noon hour and my dad called. Had a good conversation with him. I welcome such interruptions. But if it’s someone trying to sell me something, I’ll usually either not answer or just hang up. I feel bad about just hanging up on people but it’s more polite than yelling at them.
I’m still getting used to being up much of the night and sleeping during the morning hours. But as backwards as keeping night hours is, it is better than when I was sleeping twelve hours a day during the winter months. Overall, I have felt quite stable the last several months. I still have my moments of anxiety and paranoia induced anger, but fortunately I haven’t acted on such impulses for a long time. I did have a flare up in early February and one last October. As intense as those were, they lasted only a couple hours. I just hope I never have problems like those in public. Most people still don’t understand mental illness or have empathy for it. Seems to me that mentally ill people are among the last groups of people in society it’s socially acceptable to discriminate against. But if other groups of people can break down barriers and be more socially accepted, then so can the mentally ill.
Little by little I’m getting into spring. I’m starting to spend more time outdoors and I have had my windows open every night for the last several days. I’m starting to feel like I have more energy. I’m also sleeping less. I’m staying awake later now but still keeping occupied. I’m beginning to socialize more in person again.
Mentally I occasionally have had flare ups the last couple weeks. Usually these don’t last very long. Fortunately I don’t act out on these feelings of frustration and paranoia. I have gotten to where I can feel bad and have bad days but not have complete breakdowns. It has been this way for the last two months. It is a confidence boost knowing that I can have a bad day and yet not act out on it.
Things are greening up in my hometown. The weather is getting nicer with each passing day. I’ll probably start going to the park again in a few days. I’m getting to where I want to be outside again. I have spent a little time outside everyday for the last few days.
Even though I occasionally have feelings of irritability and frustration and paranoia, I have learned to better cope with them. If at all possible I just let them pass. I no longer feel guilt for having feelings like this. One of the things that helps me live better with mental illness is that I don’t have to feel bad for having rough patches. I really don’t have to feel bad unless I act out in public or become destructive. It took me a long time to come to this realization. I don’t have to feel bad for having bad days. I don’t have to feel bad to have moments of weakness. I can’t always be at the top of everything at all times. And neither can any nuerotypical person. And I no longer feel guilt about having moments of weaknesses. That has helped considerably as I have worked with the mental illness over the course of my life.
I’m now a week into the changed medications routines. I’m starting to notice a difference already. I’m starting to wake up earlier. I’m sleeping less. I don’t want to sleep as much. I’m starting to get a little more active. I’m starting to have fewer aches and pains. I’m more stable mentally. I just don’t have the ups and downs like I used to. I recover quicker from down times. I’m beginning to get more active. And I’m socializing more.
I managed to slog through another winter. Spring is going on now. We’ve had rain every day for almost the last week. Things are really greening up now. It still gets kind of chilly at night. But I’m not running my heat during the days. I’m still not as active as I would care to be as I still have flare ups of pain every now and then. But even that is not as bad as it was a week ago.
I am hopeful that things are returning to normal again. I haven’t had a sense of normal for a long time until a few weeks ago. But things are looking better with each passing day.
Spring started a few days ago. We’re starting to get more rain and the weather is warming up. Saw my first lightning of the season yesterday. My fantasy baseball league had it’s draft last night. Since we’re spread out all over the country now we have to have our league hosted by yahoo. It’s been an annual tradition for me for the last ten years. I’ve never won my league as I’m pretty average compared to the eleven other guys in our league. It’s a diversion for me and an excuse to pay attention to games I wouldn’t normally watch. The first baseball games start the first Monday in April. Winter is over.
I saw my psych doctor earlier this week. According to his scale I gained a pound since my last appointment six weeks earlier. Hopefully I have stopped the losing streak in terms of gaining weight. Unfortunately I have gained a lot of weight since my car accident a year and a half ago. For a long time I was afraid to drive and didn’t go anywhere except to buy groceries and run errands. I can tell the lack of socializing has hurt me. I know I’m less patient with people then I used to be. I am not as spontaneous as I used to be either.
I complained to my psych doctor about my lethargy and lack of motivation. We increased the doses of some of my medications. He also suggested I buy some probiotic pills. He had read a lot of literature stating that people with mental illness problems often have gut health issues too. He said that gut health and mental health can affect each other. After a few days on the probiotic pills, I’m noticing I am having some more energy. I am also not sleeping as much even after only a few days. I am also having fewer unexplained aches and pains. I hope this only continues to improve. My only true complaint about the probiotic pills is they are pricey. But I am starting to feel better and more energetic overall.
As stable as I usually am during the winter, I am glad that winter is over. The weather is starting to warm up and I’m not just wanting to stay home and hide out all the time. I am feeling a sense of hopefulness for the first time in months. I really think things are starting to settle down. I haven’t had much settled for me for a long time. This sense of normalcy is a welcome relief.