After several days of colder than average weather, it finally warmed up a little today. At least it warmed enough for me to run some errands. It feels good to be able to leave my apartment again without worrying about frostbite. I had spent several days staying at home, watching college football, playing computer games, but doing little of anything else. I need to get back into some regular routines. To that end I started lifting weights again today. I had been lazy about lifting this summer and fall. I had been quite lazy about exercise ever since I hurt my back. Sadly I gained back the weight I had lost a few years ago. I’m starting over in this regard. I know I can lose the weight again, it’s just a matter of doing so.
Still not sleeping as much as I used to. Which is alright with me as I used to sleep twelve hours a day during the summer. Now I’m getting like six hours a sleep every night. Yet I still feel quite rested. And I usually try to take an hour nap in the afternoon. Even with my reduced sleep, I rarely stay up all night now. Used to be I stayed up all night three nights per week and then sleep in the mornings. My sleep is returning to more normal patterns.
Been spending a little more time on social media the last few days, mainly to find out about people’s holidays’ plans. I don’t know if I’ll be back on facebook and twitter more from now on. It seems to me that many of my friends have just gotten burnt out on all the drama and fighting that has been so prevalent for the last few years. I wound up unfollowing many people because of the drama, including family members. So much for making people more connected. I think the older I get, the less use I have for drama and nonsense and the more uses I have for logic and intelligence.
Now that the weather is starting to break out of the cold spell and the holidays are over, I am at a crossroads. I realize I now have more freedom than I used to. During the holidays I avoid the stores because of the crowds and loud Christmas music and too bright displays. I’m also at a loss now that I won’t have much going on until spring. January through April has always been a slow but stable time of year for me. Mentally I am usually my most stable during the winters. And I usually get a lot of reading and writing done during the colder parts of year. I admit I love to read for my own enlightenment more than I do my entertainment. I consider learning entertainment. I know I am weird in that regard. But learning new things gives me joy, I don’t care if being an intellectual makes me a social outcast.
Since the holidays are now over, I can get back to some resemblance of normal routines. I plan on doing many audiobooks on youtube this winter. I’m thinking about using my Khan Academy account to learn some subjects I wish I had taken when in school. And I plan on doing more outside my apartment so I can have more material to write about. Overall I plan on making 2018 an excellent year.
Now that the holidays have come and passed, I am settling into my winter routines. I find that I am spending much of my day reading online articles and reading books. I don’t play as many computer games as I used to. I’m finding myself dining out less as I’ve had fast food only once in the last week. I’ve been eating less than normal the last week. I can tell I feel less sluggish because I’m not eating so much unhealthy fast food. I do sleep more than I did during the summer. But it does help pass the time when so much of the day is dark and cold. I don’t just go out and drive my car much anymore. While I have conquered my fear of driving I just see no need to do much of it anymore. I fuel my car probably only once a month now. I just see no need to really go anywhere unless it’s necessary. I can do most of my socializing online and via cell phone now.
I’ve been reading on some of the books I bought over the last couple months. I’m reading a lot of online articles too. Just because I don’t have many guests in my apartment doesn’t mean that I don’t socialize. I’m slowly starting to socialize more over Facebook and even in the hallways of my apartment complex. It has been a slow process getting over my paranoia and fear of socializing. And it’s one that’s not completed by any means.
I haven’t seen any regular tv in the last several weeks besides live sports. For a couple weeks around Christmas there were college football bowl games on every night it seemed. I would have a game on in the background most days while I was working online but I wasn’t really paying attention to the games. I guess I just feel guilty about watching young men maim themselves for my enjoyment the older I get. I probably should watch more soccer or basketball until baseball starts again. I just don’t watch a lot of tv. I avoid the news channels as they are mostly negative news that doesn’t effect me. Bad things have been happening all over the world throughout history, it’s just now that we know about it instantly with our communication tech. The world isn’t more violent than in the past, it’s just better informed.
I’m starting to settle into winter routines. Been reading a lot of online articles, been reading my amazon books, been listening to free podcasts through youtube, and I’m generally feeling stable and content since the weather started turning colder. I’m ready to face the winter.
The holidays have come and gone. I’m glad for it. The too loud Christmas music and fireworks on New Year’s Eve were getting to cause me sensory overload. I’m glad that things are going to start to return to normal. I haven’t experienced any normal for a long time. 2016 was indeed an odd year. Many of the heroes of my childhood, namely John Glenn, David Bowie, Muhammed Ali, etc. died that year. I guess the older I get the more I’ll see the heroes of my childhood die off. But as old heroes die off, new heroes will step up and take their place.
I spoke to my counselor right before New Year’s. He and I agreed that I’m doing well enough that I only need to see him only once a month. As tough as 2016 was for me I did escape the year without having to go to the mental hospital. I’ve now avoided that place for three years. I think the older I get the more I am able to deal with the ups and downs of my mental illness. The last breakdown I had was before Halloween and the last one I had before that was back in July 2016. And both of these breakdowns were less intense and less long lived than breakdowns in previous years. Maybe I am getting on top of this mess.
Talked to my landlord the other day. She said I’ll be getting my new paint for my walls and new carpet by the end of January. I have been anxiously waiting for new carpet and a new paint job for months. I have lived in my current apartment for over ten years. I haven’t have much done to the place since I moved in. And the carpet and paint on the walls are probably over twenty years old. They are due. I haven’t complained about them in the past simply because I knew whatever complaints I made would be ignored and not taken seriously. I have had legitimate complaints over the years not taken seriously by my bosses, coworkers, teachers, classmates, and even family members. So I am now to where I don’t complain unless it’s a major crisis because, from past experience, I know I won’t be taken seriously. I never understood way complaints of subordinates and renters were never taken seriously by those in authority. I may be in my mid thirties but I still don’t trust authority figures because for years my complaints were always ignored. That could be one of the reasons I isolate and don’t socialize. I just know from past experience that my opinions are just not valued. They never have been. I don’t expect them to ever be valued really. I have just been burned too many times.
I am glad the madness of the holidays and the insanity of the election are over. Both have made my life very difficult for many months. I am tired of having to hold my tongue for fear of offending a friend who doesn’t think exactly as I do. I am tired of always fighting crowds and traffic every time I want to leave my apartment. I am tired of always feeling like I have to hole up and hide out just to protect my sanity. I am ready for some things to return to normal. I won’t miss 2016. I only hope 2017 is a better and more hopeful year. I got tired of seeing angry and hopeless people every time I turned on the tv, logged on to Facebook, or left my apartment.