Had maintenance come to my apartment yesterday. Had to spend a few hours out of my place. I just spent the afternoon in my complex’s library. I met a couple of my newer neighbors. I think both of them were younger than I. I suppose after living in the same place for over thirteen years it was only a matter of time when I would be older than some residents. I was twenty six when I moved to my current place. I was one of the youngest renters here. Now I’m beginning middle age and one of the longer tenured residents in here. I admit I am guilty of not noticing new tenants in here until they’ve been here for a few weeks. I don’t get out as much as I used to as I tend to keep to myself and a few of my immediate neighbors. My neighbor made some chili and French fries yesterday and brought me a plate. Chili and potatoes are among my favorite cold weather foods.
I am now staying up later and sleeping less. Most days I am not in bed until 11pm or midnight. But I am usually awake for good right before sunrise. I still nap for an hour in the afternoon, but usually only three times a week instead of every day. I still have moments of anxiety and irritability, but those usually last only a few minutes. I can usually do well if I can just take a step back and just let it pass. Mornings are usually the toughest for me. I still have a cup of coffee, usually at noon instead of first thing in the morning now. I usually eat one large meal a day, usually lunch, and have something small for dinner.
I don’t have much planned for the next few days. My cleaner is scheduled to arrive this afternoon and I’m expecting a package over the weekend. It’s a late Christmas gift to myself I bought with my Christmas money. I got a few cheap games for my PlayStation. They should be here either Saturday or Monday as most places don’t make Sunday deliveries, at least not here in USA. There are some playoff football games this weekend I may drop in on. And I have my books on my e-reader I’m working on. I’m now a few hundred pages into ‘Wealth of Nations’ by Adam Smith. I’m also working on Plato’s ‘Republic’ and Machivelli’s ‘The Prince.’ I read all three in my twenties. I figure after about fifteen years I could stand rereads.
Overall things are going alright. I feel like I’ve returned to normal after the holidays.
It’s been a good day. Talked to my landlady and I’m going to be having some maintenance work done in my apartment within the next couple days. I’ll have to be out for a few hours while the work is done. My neighbors said I could stay with them for the day. It is work I have been needing done for a few weeks and it is finally being worked on. One of the reasons I’m glad the holidays are over is that I can now get things accomplished that have been on the back burner for a few weeks. Holidays are a stressful time for me, partly because almost nothing can get done during the holidays. This is especially bad in the case of emergencies.
With some of my Christmas money I bought a few cheap games. I also subscribed to Disney +. Yet most of what I watch is NatGeo. I did watch Avatar a few days ago. Hard to believe that movie has been out for over ten years already.
Been sleeping better since I received my new bed. I also read more too. I’m currently working on some of the classics I read in my early twenties. I am keeping myself occupied in spite of the colder weather. One of the things I like about winter is that I can get a lot of reading done during the long and cold nights. I’m adapting well to the winter. Winter and spring have always been my happiest times of year. Late summers and early fall are usually my toughest times of year.
I’m still lifting weights three times a week. I definitely feel stronger than I did when I started this routine last March. I may have not lost weight in 2019 but I didn’t gain any either. It looks like I have to adjust my eating activities to lose weight. I want to lose weight, but for health reasons. I really don’t care about impressing other people that much. I can do most of my socializing at home anymore. And my blog I can do from anywhere I can take a laptop and find a wireless internet connection. I couldn’t have imagined doing what I am doing as a blogger even ten years ago. Back in the mid 2000s I was still trying to get into writing through literary magazines and traditional publishing. I probably couldn’t have gotten the audience and platform I have now except via dumb luck before blogging became big.
I still don’t know what this blog can become ultimately. As it is I try to treat it like a job, even though I don’t make much money at it. I didn’t know I had much of a talent for writing and story telling until I was in college. I wouldn’t have figured this out had I never went to college.
Once I get these maintenance issues resolved within the next day or two, I’ll be set for awhile. Just right in time for the next cold spell to come in. I enjoy the cold weather. I love reading with a cup of coffee and reading while under a fleece blanket. I can hardly wait.
After several days of colder than average weather, it finally warmed up a little today. At least it warmed enough for me to run some errands. It feels good to be able to leave my apartment again without worrying about frostbite. I had spent several days staying at home, watching college football, playing computer games, but doing little of anything else. I need to get back into some regular routines. To that end I started lifting weights again today. I had been lazy about lifting this summer and fall. I had been quite lazy about exercise ever since I hurt my back. Sadly I gained back the weight I had lost a few years ago. I’m starting over in this regard. I know I can lose the weight again, it’s just a matter of doing so.
Still not sleeping as much as I used to. Which is alright with me as I used to sleep twelve hours a day during the summer. Now I’m getting like six hours a sleep every night. Yet I still feel quite rested. And I usually try to take an hour nap in the afternoon. Even with my reduced sleep, I rarely stay up all night now. Used to be I stayed up all night three nights per week and then sleep in the mornings. My sleep is returning to more normal patterns.
Been spending a little more time on social media the last few days, mainly to find out about people’s holidays’ plans. I don’t know if I’ll be back on facebook and twitter more from now on. It seems to me that many of my friends have just gotten burnt out on all the drama and fighting that has been so prevalent for the last few years. I wound up unfollowing many people because of the drama, including family members. So much for making people more connected. I think the older I get, the less use I have for drama and nonsense and the more uses I have for logic and intelligence.
Now that the weather is starting to break out of the cold spell and the holidays are over, I am at a crossroads. I realize I now have more freedom than I used to. During the holidays I avoid the stores because of the crowds and loud Christmas music and too bright displays. I’m also at a loss now that I won’t have much going on until spring. January through April has always been a slow but stable time of year for me. Mentally I am usually my most stable during the winters. And I usually get a lot of reading and writing done during the colder parts of year. I admit I love to read for my own enlightenment more than I do my entertainment. I consider learning entertainment. I know I am weird in that regard. But learning new things gives me joy, I don’t care if being an intellectual makes me a social outcast.
Since the holidays are now over, I can get back to some resemblance of normal routines. I plan on doing many audiobooks on youtube this winter. I’m thinking about using my Khan Academy account to learn some subjects I wish I had taken when in school. And I plan on doing more outside my apartment so I can have more material to write about. Overall I plan on making 2018 an excellent year.
Now that the holidays have come and passed, I am settling into my winter routines. I find that I am spending much of my day reading online articles and reading books. I don’t play as many computer games as I used to. I’m finding myself dining out less as I’ve had fast food only once in the last week. I’ve been eating less than normal the last week. I can tell I feel less sluggish because I’m not eating so much unhealthy fast food. I do sleep more than I did during the summer. But it does help pass the time when so much of the day is dark and cold. I don’t just go out and drive my car much anymore. While I have conquered my fear of driving I just see no need to do much of it anymore. I fuel my car probably only once a month now. I just see no need to really go anywhere unless it’s necessary. I can do most of my socializing online and via cell phone now.
I’ve been reading on some of the books I bought over the last couple months. I’m reading a lot of online articles too. Just because I don’t have many guests in my apartment doesn’t mean that I don’t socialize. I’m slowly starting to socialize more over Facebook and even in the hallways of my apartment complex. It has been a slow process getting over my paranoia and fear of socializing. And it’s one that’s not completed by any means.
I haven’t seen any regular tv in the last several weeks besides live sports. For a couple weeks around Christmas there were college football bowl games on every night it seemed. I would have a game on in the background most days while I was working online but I wasn’t really paying attention to the games. I guess I just feel guilty about watching young men maim themselves for my enjoyment the older I get. I probably should watch more soccer or basketball until baseball starts again. I just don’t watch a lot of tv. I avoid the news channels as they are mostly negative news that doesn’t effect me. Bad things have been happening all over the world throughout history, it’s just now that we know about it instantly with our communication tech. The world isn’t more violent than in the past, it’s just better informed.
I’m starting to settle into winter routines. Been reading a lot of online articles, been reading my amazon books, been listening to free podcasts through youtube, and I’m generally feeling stable and content since the weather started turning colder. I’m ready to face the winter.
The holidays have come and gone. I’m glad for it. The too loud Christmas music and fireworks on New Year’s Eve were getting to cause me sensory overload. I’m glad that things are going to start to return to normal. I haven’t experienced any normal for a long time. 2016 was indeed an odd year. Many of the heroes of my childhood, namely John Glenn, David Bowie, Muhammed Ali, etc. died that year. I guess the older I get the more I’ll see the heroes of my childhood die off. But as old heroes die off, new heroes will step up and take their place.
I spoke to my counselor right before New Year’s. He and I agreed that I’m doing well enough that I only need to see him only once a month. As tough as 2016 was for me I did escape the year without having to go to the mental hospital. I’ve now avoided that place for three years. I think the older I get the more I am able to deal with the ups and downs of my mental illness. The last breakdown I had was before Halloween and the last one I had before that was back in July 2016. And both of these breakdowns were less intense and less long lived than breakdowns in previous years. Maybe I am getting on top of this mess.
Talked to my landlord the other day. She said I’ll be getting my new paint for my walls and new carpet by the end of January. I have been anxiously waiting for new carpet and a new paint job for months. I have lived in my current apartment for over ten years. I haven’t have much done to the place since I moved in. And the carpet and paint on the walls are probably over twenty years old. They are due. I haven’t complained about them in the past simply because I knew whatever complaints I made would be ignored and not taken seriously. I have had legitimate complaints over the years not taken seriously by my bosses, coworkers, teachers, classmates, and even family members. So I am now to where I don’t complain unless it’s a major crisis because, from past experience, I know I won’t be taken seriously. I never understood way complaints of subordinates and renters were never taken seriously by those in authority. I may be in my mid thirties but I still don’t trust authority figures because for years my complaints were always ignored. That could be one of the reasons I isolate and don’t socialize. I just know from past experience that my opinions are just not valued. They never have been. I don’t expect them to ever be valued really. I have just been burned too many times.
I am glad the madness of the holidays and the insanity of the election are over. Both have made my life very difficult for many months. I am tired of having to hold my tongue for fear of offending a friend who doesn’t think exactly as I do. I am tired of always fighting crowds and traffic every time I want to leave my apartment. I am tired of always feeling like I have to hole up and hide out just to protect my sanity. I am ready for some things to return to normal. I won’t miss 2016. I only hope 2017 is a better and more hopeful year. I got tired of seeing angry and hopeless people every time I turned on the tv, logged on to Facebook, or left my apartment.
Hi there, thank you for checking out my blog page where I write about Bipolar, adhd,bpd and ptsd which I struggle with daily. This blog is to both educate and give others hope. I also write about my drug addiction in hopes of giving other people encouragment and hope for a brighter, annd better future.Thank you. sincerly, Emily Thorn.