Aches, Winter, Losing Friends, and Stress

Been having bad knee pains the last few days.  My mobility is more limited than usual.  So I’ve been putting ice on my knee and taking it easy since this weekend.  Sometimes I’m glad I don’t have to work a regular job and not just because of my mental illness.

Getting ready for winter, at least I was until my knee started acting up.  Stocking up on canned food and peanut butter.  So glad I don’t have food allergies as peanut butter is good and cheap emergency food that can keep for quite awhile.  Bought a fleece blanket in addition to the blankets I already have.  Been spending most of my evenings under a blanket and reading.  I’m still lifting weights three times a week.  Been doing this since the spring.  I’m pretty sure I’ve lost weight but I don’t know how much.  I know I’m down one size in clothing all around since the spring and I recover from aches and pains faster.  The worst time for aches is right after I wake up in the mornings.  Fortunately hot baths usually cure those.

My sleep patterns have changed, again.  I usually go to bed around 11pm, wake up at 3 am and rattle around for a couple hours.  Then I go back to sleep around 5 am and sleep until about 8 am.  I don’t nap as much in the afternoons, usually only a couple times a week.  My sleep patterns change with how my illness affects me.  I usually sleep more when I’m distressed and having more frequent flare ups.

Fortunately haven’t had much for serious long lasting flare ups since this summer.  I still get some a few times a week.  Lots of caffeine can make these worse.  So can socializing with rude and irritable people.  Been avoiding people in person as much as possible lately.  It just seems like people are more irritable and on edge than usual lately.  I even avoid talking with some friends because it seems like they just want to do nothing but complain anymore.  I’m sorry, but I have enough problems of my own and I’m not always stable.  I avoid friends sometimes because I’m fearful of having flare ups and melt downs on them.  I fear jeopardizing the friendship because I can’t process stress and negative vibes very well anymore.  I’ve already lost a few friendships over the last few years because I can’t process negativity well.  I don’t want to lose anymore.

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Getting Back On Track

Been changing up my routines now the weather is staying warm.  Went outside a few times today.  First time was something as simple as taking my trash out and then spending an extra ten minutes outdoors.  Then this late afternoon I spent almost an hour outdoors.  When I do spend time outside lately, it’s usually for about a half hour at a time in the middle of the afternoon.  I have been doing that for the last week or so.

I also decided to get serious about my diet again.  Today was the first day of tracking what I eat.  By that I mean I wrote down everything I ate today.  Ate only two meals today just because I got tired of writing everything down.  I know now that the only surefire way to lose weight in my case is to write down everything I eat.  I lost seventy pounds in less than a year doing that a few years ago.  I quit tracking after my car accident, got depressed, and started eating a lot.  Gained back the weight I lost. I want to lose weight because there are still things I’d love to do in my life.  I already have a strong mind, I just as well get the body to go with it. I imagine with my build being what it is, I will never be able to run marathons.  I’m naturally barrel chested and stocky with short limbs.  But I could easily walk four to five miles a day when I was in college.  I want to lose weight largely because I think that is the only way my back is ever going to completely heal.  I’m tired of dealing with back pain.  I’ve lost weight before.  It’s a matter of doing it again.

I also hired a house cleaning service.  They are currently scheduled to come to my apartment every two weeks.  They’ll be here tomorrow afternoon.  My place is looking better than it was even a few weeks ago.  One of the things that caused me such depression, I think, was living in a cluttered house.  I was depressed because the house was cluttered and the house stayed cluttered because I was too depressed to do anything about it.  Mental illness can be such a vicious cycle that it tough to pull out of.  But I think I am pulling out of my winter depression and anxiousness.  I am so glad I haven’t had the anger and anxiety that I’ve had in years past.