December Routines and Socializing While Mentally Ill

Been staying close to home the last several days.  Did get outside for a couple hours today just to replenish on sunshine even though it was barely above freezing.  I am staying occupied even if I don’t leave my house much.  Cleaned some in my apartment this weekend.  I also cut my hair.  I bought myself a hair trimmer for Christmas and wacked off my hair.  I had let it grow shoulder length.  With that length of hair and my full beard I was looking like an extra from Game of Thrones.  Now I look like a military recruit at the start of Basic Training.

Been exercising at home lately.  I got a stationary exercise bike from my dad before he moved out of state.  I use that several times a week.  My stamina is slowly coming back.  And, unlike walking, it doesn’t really bother my lower back.  My sleep patterns have changed too.  Anymore I usually go to bed around 9 or 10pm usually to wake up at 5 or 6 am.  Most of my awake time is spent in daylight hours now even though it is late autumn.

I still don’t know what I’m doing for Christmas.  It depends largely on the weather.  I would love to go see my parents’ new house and my brother’s family.  I saw his kids over the summer but I haven’t seen him or my sister in law since Thanksgiving 2017.  I guess if I can’t go see them in person I’ll have to dust off my Skype and talk to them that way.  I am looking forward to the college football holiday bowl season.  That has always been one of my favorite sports events over the years.  I enjoy watching football and it gives me a chance to see teams I don’t see very often.

Been chatting with old friends more often lately.  I guess now that the end of the year holidays are here, people are taking more time to reconnect to family and friends.  Even though I don’t usually talk to many people in person, it’s not because I hate people.  I usually don’t talk to people in person as much if I don’t have common interests.  I have always thought it would be cool if there were entire communities of people with similar interests and passions living together, much like college dormitories or artists’ communes.  But I guess good luck getting such set ups for science and history enthusiasts together without the considerations of money or jobs.  Maybe in future centuries there will be such places.  For now, I guess hobbies and interests groups on social media are the next best thing.

I have spent much of my life alone because I have rarely known people with my kind of interests and passions.  College was fun in that I did meet many people with my interests.  It was also a place where being eccentric and quirky wasn’t condemned but generally tolerated.  I miss that about living in the adult world, not many people with my interests and generally little tolerance for being different than the norm, especially in work places and social settings.

I was never a conformist as a kid and I certainly refuse to be one now.  Sure it has made me lonely over the years and on the receiving end of much harassment and abuse, especially in the work place.  But I can’t stand the thought of being just another soulless empty suit in an office or another cog in an industrial wheel.  Maybe disability was the best thing that could have happened to me in this regard.  As much as I didn’t fit in during my teenage years, I fit in even worse in the workplace and adult dating scene.  But I no longer regret either one.  In fact, I am thankful for this.


How Facebook Saved My Social Life


I have to admit that I am grateful for social media outlets like facebook and even twitter. Made some new friends through these even if I will never meet these people in person.  For the first few years of being active on social media, I felt some sadness in finding out that there were lots of people scattered all over the world who shared my passions, interests, and mental pursuits but none of them lived within driving distance of me.  My closest friends to me now live in Omaha.  Most of my really good confidants live out of state.  And many of my newer friends live in other countries.  It is bittersweet in knowing that I am not as abnormal or damaged as I feared in my younger years.  Besides the few years I was in college, I have never fit in with the people I lived near.  There’s nothing bad or good in that either way, it just is a fact.  It has caused me much grief over the years knowing that I would never have the same interests or pursuits as most people nearing in my hometown or even my own family.  I didn’t have many friends as a kid, but that forced me to develop my own interests and ways of keeping myself occupied.  Had I been Mr. Popular in my teenage years, I may have never developed my mental muscles to the extent that I did.  I certainly wouldn’t be as self reliant or resourceful or resilient.  All of these attributes have helped me immensely in my life as a mentally ill man.

As an adult, I have been able to expand my social circles even though I don’t have a regular job.  This is because of facebook and twitter.  Sure I have had to deal with jerks and irritable people online.  But at least online, I have the unfollow and block buttons.  I don’t have such near God like powers in person.  If I have nosy neighbors or annoying people I see everyday, I just have to deal with it and smile.  If someone is giving me static online, I send them to the unfollow and block list.  It’s my personal version of digital purgatory I suppose.  Facebook has actually made me more social than I was as a child before internet.  It has also shown me that I am not the only person out there who feels isolated and alone because he/she doesn’t conform to the norms of his location.  And now that I have filtered out the garbage that can come through social media, it is a social bonanza for me that I have never experienced in the real world.  It’s rather amazing.


November 29, 2018

I’m still adjusting to my parents living out of state.  It’s been almost two weeks since they moved.  They have a potential buyer for my childhood house.  So almost all of my ties to the village I grew up in are gone.  Almost all of my childhood friends moved out of state.  My grandparents are dead.  And I think all the old teachers I had are now retired.  My twenty year high school reunion will be next summer.  I don’t know if I’m going.  I didn’t go the ten or fifteen year ones.  I guess after years of fighting mental illness, my high school years seem like someone else’s life.  Needless to say I didn’t accomplish most of my goals I made when I was a teenager.  But I don’t know how you plan for a mental illness.  I had to figure things out as I went.  Spent several years wandering in the dark making tons of mistakes.  At this point in life, I’m happy to be here and coherent.  I could have easily wound up in prison or dead by this point.  I guess I’m proud that I didn’t fall through the cracks in the system and become a statistic.  Yes, much has changed since I left my childhood home.

Changing Eating Habits and Medication Adjustments

Spent Thanksgiving weekend by myself.  Other than going to get medications refilled I didn’t brave the stores on Black Friday.  After I got my meds I spent the weekend watching college football and playing computer games.  As my Nebraska Huskers finished with a losing record we won’t be going to any bowl game.  But there’s always next season.  I did buy a Christmas gift for myself online on Black Friday.

Saw my psych doctor a week ago.  We made some adjustments to the medication.  He and I both think I’m too content to spend most of my time alone or asleep.  So we reduced one med and started a new one that not only helps with compulsive behavior, but is suppose to actually be kind of a stimulant.  For the almost twenty years I’ve been taking anti psychotic meds, most of them made me drowsy.  That’s why I always took them at bed time.  I’m able to sleep longer stretches lately as I don’t have as bad back pain anymore.  For weeks I was sleeping only three hours at a time and sleeping half of the night in my easy chair.  But haven’t had the problem for a week now.

I also noticed that I tend to me more lethargic and sluggish on days I eat a lot of sugar or grain products.  Considering how much I like spaghetti and pastas, this has forced me to change my cold weather eating routines.  I now eat more potatoes and soup when I’m in the mood for something to warm me up that will stick with me for awhile.  I have found that as I age I have to be more mindful about what I eat.  Caffeine buzzes me longer than even five years ago.  Breads and grains make me sluggish and sleepy.  Too much spicy food upsets my stomach and makes me kind of irritable.  And don’t get me started on most fast food.  I used to eat fast food three to four times a week.  But that changed about a year ago.  I’ve eaten McDonald’s only twice in 2018 and KFC only once.  And Taco Bell just irritates my stomach too much anymore.  I’ve had to adapt my eating habits over the last few years.  But I do cook most of my own meals now.

College Friends and Nostalgia

I stay in contact with my friends over the phone and facebook but not much else as far as friends go these days.  I miss many aspects of college, one of them being just being to spend time with friends and even casual acquaintances on a whim.  I had a Japanese friend who used to make the best spicy chicken using sauces and spices I couldn’t even find in America.  I had a friend from South Dakota who worked at a fine steak house in the Black Hills during the summers who was an excellent cook.  He used to make the best Broccoli and Cheese soup in the winter.  Since we weren’t allowed to have electric grills in the dorm, he used to cook steaks only when we were at his mom’s house during summer break.  There was an all night truck stop a few miles from campus that served the best chicken fried steaks and clam chowder with 99 cent bottomless cups of coffee.  One of my friends used to get kind of annoyed because one of the waitresses would flirt with him even though he was married and wore his wedding ring at all times.  Since I had a wide range of friends, most of whom had as wide of interests as I did, it wouldn’t be uncommon for us to be chatting about anything from baseball stats to Austrian economics to Medieval military tactics to modern geopolitics to science advances all in the same conversation.

I was in college when the first human genome was completed.  Even we had no idea what that meant when that was finished.  I was in college when the first privately funded space flight took place too.  Now fifteen years later private companies and several different national space agencies are talking about building bases on the moon and even Mars.  It was also in college I bought my first broadband internet and cell phone.  Those things look like they belong in a museum not even twenty years later.  We had several guys in my dorm get in trouble with the phone and cable company for having pirated internet and cable in their dorm rooms.  Some guy in my dorm figured out how to get all the cable channels, including the premium channels, and fastest dial up internet for free and let a bunch of guys in on his secrets.  Well the school and the cable company found out and threatened legal action.  Kind of glad I didn’t in on that one.  I have no clue what college kids are pirating anymore.

I miss my friends I admit.  But at least I have my memories.  And thanks to social media it’s far easier to keep in touch now.  My father’s biggest regrets are that he didn’t keep in contact with his college and Air Force friends more before social media went mainstream.  Fortunately I don’t have to make that mistake.

Arm Chair Philosophy During Thanksgiving

Spending Thanksgiving week by myself.  I had my celebration a week ago as kind of a going away party for my parents.  I guess I don’t mind spending the week alone as I’ve spent much of my adult life alone.  I haven’t had a roommate since 2004 when I graduated college.  I would actually feel kind of strange having to share a roof and four walls with someone, especially if that someone and I got on each others nerves.

This isn’t the first major holiday I spent alone.  Several years ago I stayed home when my parents were hosting it because I felt a major breakdown coming on.  I wasn’t going to have a break in front of my niece and nephews, especially when they were still too young to go to school.  It was a sad deal in that it was also my grandfather’s last Thanksgiving.  He was diagnosed with cancer a few days later and died a couple months after.  I was fortunate to been able to host the last couple Christmas celebrations with my parents at my apartment.  Not sure what I’m doing this year as all my family is now living out of state.  But I have a few weeks to figure that out.  It could be I get snowed in and not able to go anywhere.  This time a year the weather is always a factor where I live.

Starting to sleep less again.  But I’m not staying up all night either.  I usually go to sleep around 10pm and am up usually around 2 am.  I prattle around for a couple hours and then go back to sleep for another couple hours.  I’m usually awake for good by 8:30 am.  I have been feeling quite stable lately too.  I’ve now gone a full year without a major breakdown.  First time I can claim that ever since I was in high school.

In spite feeling better overall, I really have no desire to go anywhere or socialize much.  I’m content to pretty much stay at home much of the time.  Home is where I feel comfortable and accepted, even if I am alone.  I don’t like socializing in person much anymore.  I’m almost scared of other people now, especially people I don’t know.  Maybe it’s a new aspect of my mental illness.  I don’t have the volatile mood swings but just have no motivation to see anyone or try anything new.

Perhaps I really am depressed and not wanting to go anywhere or see anyone is the way it’s being manifest.  I don’t feel an overwhelming sense of despondency or sadness, but I probably do have both.  I feel no need to socialize because, in my diseased mind, I already know the outcome of said socializing: We will talk about dumb and mundane things and not much will be accomplished from the meeting.  I guess I’m used to not much being accomplished.  I’m used to people outside of family not coming through on what they say they’ll deliver.  It’s like I expect things to not work anymore.  I’m probably suffering from apathy too.  I’m just too tired to fight against it anymore.  I’m used to things not working like they should. I’ve seen it my entire life I guess.  That’s one of the reasons I don’t understand the average person’s obsession with politics or working; people talk all the time yet nothing really changes and certainly not for the better.

I would almost swear that people are intentionally screwing up and doing what they know won’t work.  I can’t believe that people are so stupid as to do what they know won’t work over and over and yet be duped by every charlatan and con artist who comes along offering the same tripe with different packaging and names.  I guess that’s why I don’t socialize anymore.  I’ve seen it all before and I’ve heard it all before.  But nothing changes for the better.  The only real positive changes I’ve seen, at least in my life time, have come via science, technology advances, and humanitarian efforts.  Yet no one wants to talk about these.  But it is science, tech, and humanitarians that are making up for the gridlock in politics and the loss of trust in education, law, and religion.  I guess that people don’t pay attention to what really makes a positive difference.

For generations we have heard old men on their death beds lamenting how they spent too much time at work and not enough time with their spouses and children or grandchildren.  Maybe it’s finally starting to get through to the younger workers who seek a work life balance more than my generation or my parents and grandparents did.  I think I’ll say something like “Too bad I didn’t get the corner office or the company car when I was working” or “Why did I take the day off to take my nephews to the museum?  There was money to be made, dang it” just to break up the somber mood and my way of saying kiss off the old style Puritan work ethic that seems to believe that those who don’t work themselves into an early grave are going to hell.

I don’t regret not having a regular job anymore.  Most people I know who got rich didn’t do so by working forty hours a week for someone else.  They got that way by working for themselves and starting their own businesses.  But even as rich as some people I knew were, I still didn’t see them take with them to the afterlife.  Even the Pharaohs had their graves robbed over the centuries.  Get a large pile of gold and jewels only to have marauders run off with it or have it collect dust in some museum half a world away thousands of years later.  Hard work may have never killed anyone, but neither did enjoying the small things of life that money, power, and prestige can’t acquire.

Early Thanksgiving and Changes

Hosted my parents for an early Thanksgiving celebration last Sunday.  They brought the food and I provided the place.  They spent most of the day here.  I also received a stationary exercise bike from them.  Since they are moving to a suburb and are getting rid of some of the things they have no need for now, I got an exercise bike and a couple desk chairs from them.  Used the exercise bike a few times already.  It’s good to be exercising regularly again.  I had fallen out of the daily exercise habit after my back started flaring up a few months ago.  I was pleasantly surprised that peddling on a stationary bike doesn’t hurt my back like walking does.  Used to be most of my exercise was walking in the park or old downtown.  I would usually walk the hallways in my apartment complex when it was too icy or cold to walk outside.  But I’m starting to feel more decent after only a few days of regular exercise again.

While I enjoyed hosting my parents for Thanksgiving, it was also a bittersweet gathering.  That was the last time I get to see them when they are living nearby.  Even as much as I don’t like driving, I could still get in my car and be at their house in less than two hours.  But now that they are moving I won’t be getting to see them on a whim.  At least until I find a low income place that’s not in a tough neighborhood.  I may have to find a place in a small town nearby if the places in the city and the suburbs are too questionable.  I have been lucky to have had the good luck with low income housing that I have experienced in the last twelve years.  I’ve been fortunate to have good managers who will quickly and decisively deal with people who don’t pay the rent or are troublemakers.  I don’t have any true complaints about my complex.  I can be left alone when I want to be.  I can socialize when I want to.  And most people don’t give me problems and I try to avoid being a problem for others.  It’s seemed to work or I wouldn’t still be here after twelve years.  The only place I’ve lived in longer than my current apartment is my childhood home.

I haven’t bee out much for the last few days.  I guess I’m still adapting to my parents moving to be near my brother and his family.  I hope to be joining them eventually.  But right now I probably won’t be making any moves, at least not until the end of winter.