Feeling pretty decent overall the last several days. About the only real issue I have right now is that I prefer to be awake at night and sleep during the days. I still get outside a little everyday, usually in the late afternoons or early evenings. I don’t socialize as much as I have in years past. But it seems to me that most people have been in fouler than usual moods for the last several months. I have abandoned Facebook and twitter, except for my blog, entirely because I am tired of dealing with all the anger and negativity. I have enough chaos going on in my own mind. I won’t be part of anyone else’s. Seriously, is it so tough to be in a decent mood? If I as a mentally ill man can force myself into it for much of the time, surely normal people can. Maybe the reason I feel decent is because I am avoiding people in general.
I admit I’m doing less in some areas in my late 30s than I did even a few years ago. Right now, I have no desire to travel anywhere. I have no desire to ever hold a traditional job again. I have zero desire for a dating relationship. I prefer to be left alone most of the time. I have less tolerance for rude and reckless people. And I am definitely sick of hearing nothing but negativity all the time. At the same time, I keep in more contact with good friends. I read more. I do more brain building activities. I rarely watch tv. I make it a point to not watch the news channels (I can’t wait for those dinosaurs to go extinct). I don’t measure myself by my job or how much money I have. Not having a lot of money is not a big deal to me. I always hated the statement, “He who dies with the most toys wins.” What a stupid idea. It doesn’t bother me that I don’t have a regular job. It definitely doesn’t bother me that my sweat and toil is no longer making someone else more money than it makes me. I suppose I never was going to make it as a corporate man. And I definitely couldn’t make it as a politician. I’m too honest and I don’t always tell people what they want to hear.
I can’t understand why so many people stay in jobs they hate or stay in toxic relationships. I am fortunate to have some friends who don’t make a lot of money yet they love what they do, namely my friends who became teachers. I have some other friends who yes, they can’t stand their jobs, but they also have side hustles that could or have turned profitable. One friend of mine worked as a gas station clerk until she finally decided to move to a different town and start her own business out of her basement. I left my last “real job” in an attempt to concentrate more on my writing and self education. These blogs are the children of those efforts. And I wouldn’t want to do anything else, at least not at this current point.
Sure I made more money working as a janitor and factory hand in years past, but I have a much further reach with these mental health blogs. Every day I have visitors from outside the USA. I’d say at least a quarter of my readers are not from my country. I hear from people of all ages, backgrounds, careers, etc. because of this work. I get to talk to people of different lifestyles and cultures and I don’t even have to put on shoes or leave my apartment. It’s a great job for me and my situations. Sure it took years of struggle and sadness to get to this level of acceptance to where I can speak freely about my struggles with schizophrenia. But once it became clear to me in my mid twenties that the mental illness would not allow me to hold a regular career, I found out that time was an great asset I possessed. It was just a matter of how I was going to spend the next years of my life. I could have easily become bitter and just dropped out entirely. But with my love of writing and unnaturally high levels of empathy and compassion, I couldn’t be content doing that. Once I learned that blogging could be a way of putting a human face on a mysterious and terrifying affliction, I decided to pursue this. I had never heard of blogging until I was in college. But it is something I am regularly doing and will continue to regularly do. I wonder how many other career paths will be created in the next 15 to 20 years that most people can’t yet imagine.
Once it became clear that my mental illness wasn’t going to allow me to have a regular career, I started pouring more efforts into my writing hobby. At the time I thought I just had to write some big selling novels. I wrote rough drafts for a couple novels but they never went anywhere. I wrote poetry, but who really makes money at being a poet? Finally I turned to nonfiction blogging because there was a need for what I am doing that wasn’t really going filled. I guess that’s the mark of any good artist or business person, find a need not being met and filling said need. I guess out of this blog I was able to salvage something positive out of what could have become a senseless tragedy.
Wow… uncannily similar to my life most of the time. No desire for a career where people can talk down on me, no desire for hanging out with people. Great that you’re getting outside when you feel well enough. Besides my writing and HBOGO, I do workout a ton, which doesn’t require talking to others. Push through.
I’m so glad you blog and put a real face on schizophrenia and the struggles that go with mental illness. You are an advocate for those that can’t articulate their experiences. Keep educating. Write on!