Been feeling quite lonely for the last few days. I’m actually craving attention from other people, especially from people with similar interests and in my age bracket. Haven’t heard from any of my old high school or college friends in weeks. Seems like many of my friends got busy with family and careers and forgot about their old friends. As far as I can tell, I am one of the only single friends in my circle of friends. Some of my friends have even gone through divorces by now. I almost never hear from my brother. But he has four kids and a serious career, so I guess we have nothing in common. And to make things even worse, we weren’t close at all growing up. We were just completely different people with nothing in common except that we had the same parents. Not having a relationship with my brother is one of the few true regrets I have about my current life that I could have done different.
Having a serious mental illness taught me that there is more to life than having a career. Unfortunately, too many people don’t realize this until they are retired and most of their life is behind them. This is probably why so many people feel depressed and useless once their careers are over, especially older men. Like most boys, I was constantly asked what I wanted to do when I grew up. I usually answered something in the sciences. But the mental illness came creeping in just right before I could cash in on my brains and use them in a career. Thank God I found a small niche online as a mental health blogger/philosopher. I don’t even want to think what would have happened had I been born in my grandparents’ generation and not had this outlet. It also makes me wonder how many mentally ill geniuses were lost over the centuries because they had no outlets to use their smarts.
I wanted to be a scientist when I was a child. As it turned out I became a writer with interests in science. I developed lots of interests and hobbies over the years, but never became profecient enough to turn these interests into careers. For awhile as a child I flew model airplanes with my dad. I did quite a bit of fishing and survival training when I was in Boy Scouts. I made model cars for awhile. I collected coins and baseball cards for a few years. Still have all of my baseball cards from my youth. I taught myself some basic computer coding. That probably could have turned into a job, at least until computers can regularly code themselves. Who knows, maybe in the future the majority of people won’t have regular jobs simply because machines and programs can do them better and make many things cheaper.
While I wouldn’t mind a future like this, I do understand why some people are apprehensive about what could be coming in the next couple decades. For generations, people have identified with the work they did to live. Everybody was interested in work and a person who didn’t need or want a regular job was an outcast. I have been an outcast in this regard for the last several years in that I don’t have a regular job, and really don’t need one as I can live just on my disability pension. I no longer feel the need for a lot of money. What I want at this point is to do work that makes a difference to people, the kind of work that “puts a dent in the universe” as the late Steve Jobs used to say.
While I am not delusional enough to believe I’m sure to get famous just from blogging, I do want to make a positive difference in the lives of the people who happen to read these postings. I suppose that since my basic needs are met by my disability pension, I can now move onto meaningful work and self actualization on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Self actualized and I make poverty level (for American standard) salary, only in the early 21st century. The closet I can think that anyone else in history was to this while living at low wages is probably medieval monks and scholars. No need to be entertained with lots of money when my own mind can keep me company.
Stayed home this weekend and cleaned in my apartment. I had to take more frequent breaks than I used to in years past. I’m just not as energetic as I was even two years ago. I guess this is what I get to look forward to as I continue to age. I decided I’m hiring a cleaning service to give my place a complete going over as soon as possible and then have them come back regularly. I haven’t decided if I’m going to have them do it weekly or every two weeks. It depends on prices.
I wish I didn’t have to go this route. But then, I wish I wasn’t schizophrenic either. There are things that I’m not going to be able to do alone, especially as I get older. The idea that I can’t be as independent in my late 30s as I was even in my mid 30s is the hardest part of aging that I have had to come to accept. I always had an independent streak in me that didn’t want the help of others and wanted to be my own boss. I think it runs in my family. My father, my grandfathers, and I think most of my great grandfathers were self employed small business owners or farmers. I am starting to understand that there are things now that I can’t do alone anymore. I now understand why almost all of my friends got married or partnered up by this point in their lives. Even the people I know in their forties that never married are closer to their extended family then they were in their twenties and thirties. I suppose that seeing my limitations and losing some of my old physical abilities are a part of myself having to accept my own mortality.
I have heard from older men in my social circles that when they hit their mid to late 30s, that was about when their physical strength and interest in sex started to wane and decline. That is also about the time when their careers started to take off, they assumed leadership roles in their jobs, social organizations, churches, and communities too. This is when their careers, family lives, and leadership skills started to show. Some men also had their ‘mid life crisis’ and life changing events like divorce and or death of parents occur during their thirties. I guess this is when many people start realizing they are going to lose their physical strength and eventually die. Traditionally forty represented the middle point of life even in ancient times, barring deaths from accidents, disease, or war. At about age forty, that is when people traditionally go from rank and file members of society and start assuming more leadership roles.
In my case, I have found myself a home as a mental illness blogger. It certainly wasn’t my dream job nor what I thought I would be doing when I was twenty one. Back then, I had changed my college major from pre medicine to business management. At the time I was really interested in personal finance and investing, so I thought I wanted to be a financial advisor and help people plan for their retirements, etc. I interviewed at a few of these types of firms my senior year of college, but was never offered any job. I had to accept that I wouldn’t be using my business training in a traditional job. I have accepted that and made my peace with it. I couldn’t say that ten years ago. As it is, the blog is reaching more people than I thought it would when I started five years ago. It certainly took me further than traditional publishing would have taken me. And this means of work didn’t even exist when I was in grade school. It makes me wonder what new jobs will be springing up in the next twenty to thirty years.
I am starting to come to the acceptance that I am losing my physical strength. I probably will never be able to do things quite like I did in my early twenties unless some miracle of modern science and medicine comes along, which as much as I love science, I won’t bet my life savings on 🙂 I’m starting to come to the acceptance that I’m not going to as spry as I once was. I have to be more careful about what I eat and activities I involve myself. I guess I’m moving into middle age. Hopefully I can avoid the whole mid life crisis deal as I’ve had to come to accept many hard truths about myself and life in general years ago when the schizophrenia really started.
Feeling pretty decent overall the last several days. About the only real issue I have right now is that I prefer to be awake at night and sleep during the days. I still get outside a little everyday, usually in the late afternoons or early evenings. I don’t socialize as much as I have in years past. But it seems to me that most people have been in fouler than usual moods for the last several months. I have abandoned Facebook and twitter, except for my blog, entirely because I am tired of dealing with all the anger and negativity. I have enough chaos going on in my own mind. I won’t be part of anyone else’s. Seriously, is it so tough to be in a decent mood? If I as a mentally ill man can force myself into it for much of the time, surely normal people can. Maybe the reason I feel decent is because I am avoiding people in general.
I admit I’m doing less in some areas in my late 30s than I did even a few years ago. Right now, I have no desire to travel anywhere. I have no desire to ever hold a traditional job again. I have zero desire for a dating relationship. I prefer to be left alone most of the time. I have less tolerance for rude and reckless people. And I am definitely sick of hearing nothing but negativity all the time. At the same time, I keep in more contact with good friends. I read more. I do more brain building activities. I rarely watch tv. I make it a point to not watch the news channels (I can’t wait for those dinosaurs to go extinct). I don’t measure myself by my job or how much money I have. Not having a lot of money is not a big deal to me. I always hated the statement, “He who dies with the most toys wins.” What a stupid idea. It doesn’t bother me that I don’t have a regular job. It definitely doesn’t bother me that my sweat and toil is no longer making someone else more money than it makes me. I suppose I never was going to make it as a corporate man. And I definitely couldn’t make it as a politician. I’m too honest and I don’t always tell people what they want to hear.
I can’t understand why so many people stay in jobs they hate or stay in toxic relationships. I am fortunate to have some friends who don’t make a lot of money yet they love what they do, namely my friends who became teachers. I have some other friends who yes, they can’t stand their jobs, but they also have side hustles that could or have turned profitable. One friend of mine worked as a gas station clerk until she finally decided to move to a different town and start her own business out of her basement. I left my last “real job” in an attempt to concentrate more on my writing and self education. These blogs are the children of those efforts. And I wouldn’t want to do anything else, at least not at this current point.
Sure I made more money working as a janitor and factory hand in years past, but I have a much further reach with these mental health blogs. Every day I have visitors from outside the USA. I’d say at least a quarter of my readers are not from my country. I hear from people of all ages, backgrounds, careers, etc. because of this work. I get to talk to people of different lifestyles and cultures and I don’t even have to put on shoes or leave my apartment. It’s a great job for me and my situations. Sure it took years of struggle and sadness to get to this level of acceptance to where I can speak freely about my struggles with schizophrenia. But once it became clear to me in my mid twenties that the mental illness would not allow me to hold a regular career, I found out that time was an great asset I possessed. It was just a matter of how I was going to spend the next years of my life. I could have easily become bitter and just dropped out entirely. But with my love of writing and unnaturally high levels of empathy and compassion, I couldn’t be content doing that. Once I learned that blogging could be a way of putting a human face on a mysterious and terrifying affliction, I decided to pursue this. I had never heard of blogging until I was in college. But it is something I am regularly doing and will continue to regularly do. I wonder how many other career paths will be created in the next 15 to 20 years that most people can’t yet imagine.
Once it became clear that my mental illness wasn’t going to allow me to have a regular career, I started pouring more efforts into my writing hobby. At the time I thought I just had to write some big selling novels. I wrote rough drafts for a couple novels but they never went anywhere. I wrote poetry, but who really makes money at being a poet? Finally I turned to nonfiction blogging because there was a need for what I am doing that wasn’t really going filled. I guess that’s the mark of any good artist or business person, find a need not being met and filling said need. I guess out of this blog I was able to salvage something positive out of what could have become a senseless tragedy.