Been several days since I have been out of my neighborhood. We’ve had a lot of snow and cold weather. It has been a colder than usual January for sure. Since I have been sitting tight and not really going anywhere, I have been living off my own cooking for almost two weeks. Good thing I’m a decent cook.
As it is, I’m going to eventually have to get out of my neighborhood and pick up more supplies. I’m not really looking forward to it. As much as I enjoy the long nights and quiet of winter, I definitely don’t like winter travel.
I have been feeling mentally stable even with the lack of activity. Fortunately I can still socialize with friends and family. My back has all but healed up. It took a week of sleeping in recliners but I think I’m doing better in that regard. I’ve gotten used to sleeping in recliners so I think I’ll do this for the foreseeable future.
Haven’t been watching news or much for other tv lately. The only things I have been watching lately are youtube shows and live sports. And that is about all. Been focusing more on my computer games like Civilization and Skyrim. Unfortunately both game types can be kind of addicting and pass the time real fast. But with the flu and other sickness going around bad this winter, it’s probably not a bad idea to stay away from people unless necessary.
We’re now three weeks into winter. It feels longer than that. Maybe because I haven’t been outside of town since before Christmas. Been housebound for much of this time. It sometimes gets kind of boring. I feel like I should be doing more outside, at least until I look out my window and see all the snow and ice. It feels daunting that we have at least another two months of this left. I’m looking forward to spring.
With the really cold weather I have had for the last several days, I rarely left my apartment between Christmas and New Year’s. I started my car a few times and shoveled out the snow so I can now get out if necessary. I’m going to have to get out within the next few days as I am running low on supplies and groceries. Being shut up inside has made me a little restless and bored. But it’s supposed to start warming up within a day or two. Maybe I can get out more often now. But it has been a lonely and tedious several days just staying home, watching football, and playing computer games. I hope to have a new routine started soon.
Haven’t gotten to talk to anyone besides my parents and a couple close friends since Christmas. I haven’t been on facebook much the last few months. Seems to me even my friends are starting to avoid social media. So much for reconnecting people. It has been kind of a lonely go the last several days. I did host Christmas but haven’t had guests since.
Even though mentally I have been stable for months, I don’t have much for enthusiasm in anything anymore. I used to be able to spend hours on end reading online articles or wikipedia in addition to educational programs on youtube and curiosity stream. I haven’t found much joy in these activities for a few weeks now. Not sure what the issues are. For all I know the reduction in doses of some of my psych meds could be the culprit. I may not have the ups and downs, but I am also losing many of my interests. I have also become quite lazy now, I’m embarrassed to admit. I imagine it’s just a matter of readjusting and adapting in order to get my old interests back. At least I haven’t lost my interests in writing. I may not post as often as I used to but that is because I have less to report. Most of this is from lack of flare ups and a lack of socializing.
Fortunately socializing doesn’t make me annoyed anymore. Now I have the problem of being scared to socialize. I guess the hostility is being edged out by the old paranoia issues. I am scared to socialize in most instances anymore besides with close friends and family members. I am not as afraid to drive my car anymore. I just don’t want to anymore. Driving just seems kind of pointless anymore. I haven’t really had much reason to laugh much lately. I just don’t make a point to watch comedy shows as much as I should. I just don’t make a point to watch much of anything anymore. Been a few weeks since I watched anything on netflix and I haven’t done an audiobook for almost a month. If it wasn’t for football for the last two weeks I wouldn’t have watched much of anything this winter. And since I need less sleep than I used to, the days and nights seem to stretch out forever. I hope the rest of winter isn’t this long or bleak. I hope it warms up a little soon. I’ve about hit my breaking point with having to stay inside all day because of the snow and cold.
Well, our civilization survived another trip around the mother star. It was an interesting year to say the least, at least news wise. For me, it was kind of a quiet year. Other than one breakdown in the early fall, I have been very stable. After twenty years of working with schizophrenia, some of the things I have to do to keep stable have become routine. I have to be more careful than most people about who I associate with and what conversations I take part in. I have been fortunate to have not had psychotic breakdowns in public. I’m scared that if I ever did, I’d at very least end up in jail. So I find myself isolating for much of the time. It has to be a special occasion before I have guests in my apartment and even then it has to be a small and informal gathering. Otherwise I couldn’t handle it.
It’s been very cold for the last week and a half. I haven’t gone out much during this span. So I have been content to stay home, watch some football, play some computer games, etc. I have no plans for New Year’s Eve as it’s going to be too cold to go anywhere. I am starting to get a little tired of always staying home because of the weather. But it’s supposed to warm up some by the end of this week.
One problem I have faced the last several days is a lack of enthusiasm for much of anything. It’s not that I am bored, it’s that I really don’t want to do much of anything. I also now have the problem of not needing much sleep. I’ve needed only five to six hours of sleep a day for the last two weeks. I usually sleep from one a.m. to seven a.m. anymore. But I have been stable enough for the last several months I’ve had some of my medications’ doses reduced. Maybe that is why I don’t need as much sleep. But I still can’t explain my lack of enthusiasm or lack of engagement. I’m feeling unenthusiastic enough that I’m not doing a science and tech year in review post this year. Besides, it isn’t like I got much of a response from those posts anyway.
I’m ending 2017 alone in my apartment simply because of the weather. I just don’t want to go anywhere when it’s this cold. It’s a good day to stay home and stay under the blankets with a cup of hot coffee.
My life has been essentially quiet and uneventful since Christmas. We had a pretty cold January and early February so I didn’t really go anywhere except to pick up groceries and house supplies for the last two months. We had our traditional mid winter thaw the last week or so. So I’ve been spending some time outside watching the squirrels and birds. I see the cranes and Canadian geese are starting to migrate back. They are usually quite thick near my town from the last week in February until middle March. I’m going to take a few hours sometime next week and just watch the birds along the Platte River just outside my town like I do every March.
I traditionally love to travel and see new places. But I haven’t been outside of Nebraska since my friend Matt’s wedding almost two years ago. And I can tell that the lack of travel and new experiences are making me stale and itchy. Believe it or not, I really don’t like the sedentary lifestyle. When I still held traditional jobs, I usually did my best at jobs where I was moving a lot and it didn’t matter if I got sweaty or dirty. I admit that since I had the sedentary lifestyle forced on me, first by my car accident and then spending a summer with a messed up back, I have gotten lazy. And by getting lazy I can tell I have lost much of my stamina and enjoyment of just doing simple things like walking around the park or going to the all night deli to pick up some Chinese food. I have recently started going back to the all night deli more often, especially if I’m going to be up late.
I am still not as active as I would like to be, but I can tell that it is beginning to come back. I am traditionally not very active during winters, at least not physically. I usually read a lot and have traditionally done some of my best writing work during the winter. Most of the books I read this winter were about future technology trends and popular science. I also listen to a lot of audiobooks and current events type lectures on youtube. I tend to utilize youtube and my books more in winter than the spring or fall. Traditionally during the summers I do most of my errands in the morning than spend the hottest parts of the afternoon reading and writing. But I still do the bulk of my brain work during the winter.
I can tell that the lack of physical activity and travel is making me easily bored. It is also tough in that I haven’t seen my close friends or family at all since Christmas. I fear that I’m losing my social skills. I don’t socialize much with my neighbors in my complex as I have little in common with them. Most of my neighbors are senior citizens or people with physical disabilities that can’t do much of anything. I don’t know many people in here with mental health issues who are still in reasonably good physical health. It is kind of lonely in here as far as socializing goes. I can also tell that the lack of socializing and physical activity has taken a toll on my physical health. I just hope that once spring sets in a few weeks from now, I’ll be able to get more active again.
Bought groceries and cleaned in my apartment this morning. I was running low on food supplies as it’s been too cold, snowy, and icy to go much of anywhere for most of the last week. I’m currently taking a break from my cleaning to give an update as to what I’ve been up to for the last several days when I was home bound.
The weather started turning real cold around Tuesday of last week. It had rained much of Monday so it was in icy mess. We had a few inches of snow on Wednesday so that gave me even more incentive to stay home. It was bitterly cold Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. I stayed home, read a lot, played some computer games, and at sparingly for most of last week. I walked the halls a few minutes at a time every few hours just so I wouldn’t spend all day sitting or laying down. I remained in good mental health even if I was sleeping more mainly out of boredom. I washed several loads of laundry early in the week just to break up the norm for a couple hours. For the most part I was content to wrap up in my bed and sleep in until late morning most of last week. It was too cold to go anywhere and I didn’t have much else going on.
I’ve been spending most of this day so far cleaning in my apartment and buying groceries. I still have some cleaning left but as long as I get it finished today I’m in no real hurry. I had been kind of lazy about cleaning during the recent cold snap. But now that it’s starting to warm up I see being more active and not just staying inside all the time. So far this has been one of the coldest winters I can remember in the last several years. We have missed out on most of the snow but not on the cold and wind. But we have another two and a half months of winter left. And mentally I haven’t been this stable for prolonged periods of time since my grandmother died in August 2015.
Now that the holidays have come and passed, I am settling into my winter routines. I find that I am spending much of my day reading online articles and reading books. I don’t play as many computer games as I used to. I’m finding myself dining out less as I’ve had fast food only once in the last week. I’ve been eating less than normal the last week. I can tell I feel less sluggish because I’m not eating so much unhealthy fast food. I do sleep more than I did during the summer. But it does help pass the time when so much of the day is dark and cold. I don’t just go out and drive my car much anymore. While I have conquered my fear of driving I just see no need to do much of it anymore. I fuel my car probably only once a month now. I just see no need to really go anywhere unless it’s necessary. I can do most of my socializing online and via cell phone now.
I’ve been reading on some of the books I bought over the last couple months. I’m reading a lot of online articles too. Just because I don’t have many guests in my apartment doesn’t mean that I don’t socialize. I’m slowly starting to socialize more over Facebook and even in the hallways of my apartment complex. It has been a slow process getting over my paranoia and fear of socializing. And it’s one that’s not completed by any means.
I haven’t seen any regular tv in the last several weeks besides live sports. For a couple weeks around Christmas there were college football bowl games on every night it seemed. I would have a game on in the background most days while I was working online but I wasn’t really paying attention to the games. I guess I just feel guilty about watching young men maim themselves for my enjoyment the older I get. I probably should watch more soccer or basketball until baseball starts again. I just don’t watch a lot of tv. I avoid the news channels as they are mostly negative news that doesn’t effect me. Bad things have been happening all over the world throughout history, it’s just now that we know about it instantly with our communication tech. The world isn’t more violent than in the past, it’s just better informed.
I’m starting to settle into winter routines. Been reading a lot of online articles, been reading my amazon books, been listening to free podcasts through youtube, and I’m generally feeling stable and content since the weather started turning colder. I’m ready to face the winter.
Some people think I’m strange in that I prefer cold weather to warm weather. Besides spring, winter is usually the best time of year for me. While Christmas might not mean much to me personally anymore, I do enjoy seeing the excitement and joy on my nephews and niece’s faces. I enjoy spending time with family more than I do getting gifts anymore.
The weather has certainly turned quite cold since Thanksgiving. It doesn’t really bother me as I have plenty of books to read, food in my pantry, good internet connection, and I can call up friends and family pretty much anytime. I probably would feel different if I lived in the Old West as a mountain man who had to cut his own firewood and go hunting all the time. Since the weather has turned colder and the nights are getting longer, I have been sleeping more. I’m not sleeping out of depression or sadness but I just like getting under the heavy blanket and semi hibernating.
Been reading quite a bit lately. I’m reading mostly non fiction and science books lately. Reading science and tech books, even ones that are a few years old, made me realize just how fast things are changing. And most people don’t even know these changes are happening. I currently have a several year old Play Station 3 but the next gaming consul I buy will probably have some Virtual Reality setup. I imagine the Oculus Rift is a popular Christmas gift this year. I’m probably going to wait a couple years and let the prices come down before I get one of my own.
Since it looks like it’s supposed to stay cold for the next several days I think I’m pretty much going to stay home. I have a few projects around the apartment that I want to get on top of. Been kind of lazy about some things as I was fighting bouts of depression and anxiety all fall. I’m probably going to rearrange my apartment. As I don’t have a lot of furniture this won’t take more than an hour or two at most.
One advantage to the colder weather is that I’m much less apt to go for fast food. I’ve been eating healthier the last several days and I notice an improvement already in my moods and energy level. Sometimes in the afternoons I’ll walk the hallways of my complex just to break up the routines on these cold days.
I’m back on my normal meds doses. I had to increase all my meds during the fall because of my problems with stress, depression, and anxiety. But as I’ve felt much more stable the last few weeks I was able to come down off the high doses I was on.
All in all I’m beginning to settle into my winter routines. I have plenty of books I want to get read this winter and I’m already off to a good start on those.
It’s been a more peaceful and quiet week this week than most of my previous weeks. I still don’t leave my apartment more than a few times a day. But I am talking with my friends and family more over the phone and online. I am starting to cook most of my meals and am eating less now. For several weeks I was essentially living off fast food because I was too depressed to go grocery shopping. No doubt I gained weight. Now the struggle of taking that weight off begins.
Bought a couple new computer games and a couple new books this week. They came just in time for the weather to turn cold. We had our first snow in my hometown this week. It came about right on schedule after weeks of warmer than usual fall weather. I’ve been breaking up some of my old routines and reading more lately. I try to have one major reading or writing project every winter. One year I read a couple major philosophy works. Another winter I started writing a novel. And many winters ago the seeds that would later become this blog were planted when I started writing essays about life with schizophrenia.
I admit to being lazier than usual about writing this week. But things have been more peaceful and settled the last several days than they had been in months. I’m enjoying the colder weather and I have most of my winter provisions gathered again. Hopefully I won’t have to get out much this winter. I usually avoid travel if there is a lot of ice or snow on the roads. So getting these new computer games and books will go a long way in keeping me occupied this winter when it’s too cold to go anywhere.
One of my biggest problems of the last several months was keeping my mind occupied with things other than the circus side show that was the last election. I avoided a lot of people because that was all most people wanted to talk about. It got old several months ago and I started isolating. Unfortunately my mind being what it is craves mental stimulation. I have to find something to always be researching or looking up. For about two years I have been throughly researching science and technology advances. I had forgotten how much I loved science classes as a kid. But I have come to where I have researched those topics more in the last two years than most people do in a lifetime.
Before I researched science advances I was studying economic history. Spent a couple years studying old economics books and theories. It cured my itch for new knowledge and encouraged me to get out of debt and save some emergency money. And my thirst for science knowledge might lead me and my father to building some homemade solar panels for his cabin at the family acreage. He’s not going to go completely off the grid but he’s toying with the options that he could with a few adjustments if needed. Our family has always had back up plans on top of our back up plans. We don’t like leaving things to chance. So even though winter is near we are already making plans for next spring and summer.
It’s been a few smooth days for me mentally. I have made my plans for the winter. I plan on reading several books and mastering some new computer games. I will keep writing this blog. Fortunately with mental illness it’s not all depression and anxiety all the time. But the depression and anxiety do make me enjoy the calm and peacefulness more than most people who are well adjusted. I know that problems will come up again, probably sooner than I would like. But for now I’m just enjoying the few days of peace and calm.