Picked up some new furniture this weekend. My mother and father let me have one of their couches and office chairs and I have a heavy duty recliner being delivered to my apartment this afternoon from a local furniture store. I feel like I have an actual home again. For the last few weeks I didn’t have much in the way of furniture besides a couple dining room chairs and my bed. It was extremely odd eating my lunches and dinners sitting on my bed. I had moved my computer desk to my bedroom so I could do my work from my bed. I’m glad I got a couch and office chair as it makes my apartment feel more like a permanent residence. And now that I can write from an office chair or couch, I feel like I’m doing more professional work on my blog and even my computer gaming.
Watched the World Cup finals over the weekend. I kind of wanted Croatia to win as they were big underdogs. But I wasn’t going to say much as I have readers from both Croatia and France. But I think that Killian Mbassa (spelling?) from France is going to be as big a star as David Beckham and Cristian Ronaldo by the time he’s through. And he’s only nineteen. When I was that age I was a geeky farm kid starting college. But, living in USA, I am probably a “Johnny Come Lately” when it comes to understanding soccer and appreciating how tough a game it really is. When I was in college, my attitude was that I respected the soccer players for being in great physical shape. But I thought it was “a lot of running for so little scoring.” USA didn’t even have a professional soccer league until I think the 1990s. So yes, we are behind most of the world in that regard. I started following mainly because I have a niece and a nephew who love playing soccer. When my parents were medical missionaries in Panama, most of the kids down there were kicking around soccer balls in the same way kids in USA play basketball all day. But I did enjoy this year’s World Cup almost as much as I do the Olympics. And I’m happy to see that USA will be one of the host countries, along with Mexico and Canada, in 2026. But World Cup served as my sports fix at least until college football and baseball’s push for the playoffs start in September. Hard to believe that September is only six weeks away. Where has the time gone?
I have new furniture and we’re now almost halfway through summer. And overall I’m feeling alright. I don’t even feel depressed or paranoid very much anymore. I feel quite hopeful about my life and society as a whole for the first time in months. I enjoy this feeling. I wish I could bottle some of it and save it for the “rainy days” that will eventually come back. But for now, I’ll ride the happy streak I’m on for all it’s worth. They don’t come along every day.
Feeling pretty decent overall the last several days. About the only real issue I have right now is that I prefer to be awake at night and sleep during the days. I still get outside a little everyday, usually in the late afternoons or early evenings. I don’t socialize as much as I have in years past. But it seems to me that most people have been in fouler than usual moods for the last several months. I have abandoned Facebook and twitter, except for my blog, entirely because I am tired of dealing with all the anger and negativity. I have enough chaos going on in my own mind. I won’t be part of anyone else’s. Seriously, is it so tough to be in a decent mood? If I as a mentally ill man can force myself into it for much of the time, surely normal people can. Maybe the reason I feel decent is because I am avoiding people in general.
I admit I’m doing less in some areas in my late 30s than I did even a few years ago. Right now, I have no desire to travel anywhere. I have no desire to ever hold a traditional job again. I have zero desire for a dating relationship. I prefer to be left alone most of the time. I have less tolerance for rude and reckless people. And I am definitely sick of hearing nothing but negativity all the time. At the same time, I keep in more contact with good friends. I read more. I do more brain building activities. I rarely watch tv. I make it a point to not watch the news channels (I can’t wait for those dinosaurs to go extinct). I don’t measure myself by my job or how much money I have. Not having a lot of money is not a big deal to me. I always hated the statement, “He who dies with the most toys wins.” What a stupid idea. It doesn’t bother me that I don’t have a regular job. It definitely doesn’t bother me that my sweat and toil is no longer making someone else more money than it makes me. I suppose I never was going to make it as a corporate man. And I definitely couldn’t make it as a politician. I’m too honest and I don’t always tell people what they want to hear.
I can’t understand why so many people stay in jobs they hate or stay in toxic relationships. I am fortunate to have some friends who don’t make a lot of money yet they love what they do, namely my friends who became teachers. I have some other friends who yes, they can’t stand their jobs, but they also have side hustles that could or have turned profitable. One friend of mine worked as a gas station clerk until she finally decided to move to a different town and start her own business out of her basement. I left my last “real job” in an attempt to concentrate more on my writing and self education. These blogs are the children of those efforts. And I wouldn’t want to do anything else, at least not at this current point.
Sure I made more money working as a janitor and factory hand in years past, but I have a much further reach with these mental health blogs. Every day I have visitors from outside the USA. I’d say at least a quarter of my readers are not from my country. I hear from people of all ages, backgrounds, careers, etc. because of this work. I get to talk to people of different lifestyles and cultures and I don’t even have to put on shoes or leave my apartment. It’s a great job for me and my situations. Sure it took years of struggle and sadness to get to this level of acceptance to where I can speak freely about my struggles with schizophrenia. But once it became clear to me in my mid twenties that the mental illness would not allow me to hold a regular career, I found out that time was an great asset I possessed. It was just a matter of how I was going to spend the next years of my life. I could have easily become bitter and just dropped out entirely. But with my love of writing and unnaturally high levels of empathy and compassion, I couldn’t be content doing that. Once I learned that blogging could be a way of putting a human face on a mysterious and terrifying affliction, I decided to pursue this. I had never heard of blogging until I was in college. But it is something I am regularly doing and will continue to regularly do. I wonder how many other career paths will be created in the next 15 to 20 years that most people can’t yet imagine.
Once it became clear that my mental illness wasn’t going to allow me to have a regular career, I started pouring more efforts into my writing hobby. At the time I thought I just had to write some big selling novels. I wrote rough drafts for a couple novels but they never went anywhere. I wrote poetry, but who really makes money at being a poet? Finally I turned to nonfiction blogging because there was a need for what I am doing that wasn’t really going filled. I guess that’s the mark of any good artist or business person, find a need not being met and filling said need. I guess out of this blog I was able to salvage something positive out of what could have become a senseless tragedy.
Been a few days since I last wrote. But then again, I haven’t had very much drama to write about. It’s been quite quiet for the last several weeks for me. About the only thing I really do have to report is that I am getting a little more active with each passing day. I spend more and more time outdoors too. I plan on spending a lot of time outside on Monday as the eclipse is coming right through the town I live in. I am just going to watch it from my front yard. I probably won’t be able to go much of anywhere tomorrow as my town is expecting several thousand out of town visitors for Monday. I’m just going to stay home tomorrow.
I’m sleeping alright. But my best sleep still comes in the morning anymore. Most nights I’ll be up quite late. While this puts a damper on my social life, it doesn’t seem to be effecting my mental stability any. I’m usually up and going by noon no matter how late I stay awake. I am so glad I can do this blog from home and I’m not constrained by office hours.
So far I have made it through the summer with no real issues. This would be a first for me in several years. And I am enjoying it. I know I still have the potential for a few rough weeks before the weather cools off for good. Sometimes no news is good news.