A few days ago my family came to visit me. We spent the day cleaning my apartment. Once that was done I went to see my psych doctor. We decided to add a third medication and I’m supposed to see him again in two weeks.
Other routines that have changed is I’m waking up earlier and not staying awake all night like I used to. Since I’ve been having pains in my lower back again I’ve been sleeping in my recliner more. I still spend the bulk of my days in my apartment and alone. I still don’t want to leave my place very often. Even though I’m sleeping less I find myself wanting to sleep at the oddest times. I want to sleep but fortunately I can’t fall asleep whenever I want.
I’m still keeping in contact with old friends and family. At least that hasn’t fallen apart. But other than that I still don’t socialize much. I guess I’m only now starting to realize how far I have declined in the last year and a half.
I am now throughly convinced I have been delusional about how not delusional I have been for the last several months. I admit to isolating most of the time and rarely leaving my apartment. I admit to rarely socializing with other people and tenants in my complex. I admit to occasionally going days without showering. But I don’t think I realized how delusional I was being about my problems.
I talked to my landlord this afternoon. She told me that there were several tenants worried about little I was socializing and how unkempt I have been for a long time. I have pretty much isolated and kept to myself since last summer. I just got to where I saw no point in socializing. In my delusion diseased mind, I was thinking most people are violent idiots who would rather curse you out and physically harm you than say hello to you. Fortunately most of these thoughts are symptoms of my mental illness flaring up and not being treated effectively. My fellow tenants and landlord aren’t angry at me nor do they want to see me thrown out on the street. They are actually very worried about me. I just didn’t realize how far I had fallen in the last year because of the delusion blinders I had due to my illness.
I have gotten to where I was scared to leave my apartment. I have gotten to where I was scared to go to the laundry room and wash clothes. So I have been doing most of my laundry in my bathtub for the last few months. Let’s face it, it just doesn’t do the job like a regular wash machine. I have gotten to where I am scared to socialize in person with anyone. I don’t go outside to talk with people because in my delusion wracked mind, most people were just bitter and angry all the time. I have gotten to where I’m just scared and depressed all the time. And I hate it. I see my psych doctor tomorrow afternoon and I am demanding he put me on something else. My current routine isn’t working at all.
Spent the last couple days cleaning my apartment and car. I didn’t drive much this winter except to buy groceries and pick up fast food, so it was just a matter of throwing out some trash in my car. I’ve gotten rid of a lot of clutter in my apartment. I still have a couple more days of decluttering. But since the weather is supposed to warm up by the end of the week, I think I can get a great deal done.
My nephews and niece are visiting my parents for a few days over spring break. I saw them yesterday and took them to a Mexican restaurant. Had a good chat with the kids and my parents. I hadn’t seen any family in person since Christmas. It was a good change to my routine.
While I still sleep kind of late most mornings, I have found myself sleeping less the last several days. Now that spring is on the way and the weather is starting to warm, I am getting more sunlight. I feel better because of the better weather. I definitely no longer feel the need to just stay inside for entire days.
Mentally I have been quite stable for weeks. I think it helps that I am getting plenty of sleep, eating more healthy, and avoiding stressful people and situations. I hope I can keep this kind of stability up.
Been experimenting with my diet for the last few days. I haven’t eaten meat for several days and I’m also avoiding wheat and gluten. My stomach is more settled and I feel like I have a little more energy than a week ago. I have fewer aches and pains too.
I still have some cleaning to do in my apartment. I had gotten a little lazy about keeping the place up over the winter. Even though I usually feel mentally stable in the winter, I am also quite a bit lazier too.
I have an appointment with my psych doctor next week. The medications I have been on for the last year seem to be working well. I don’t see any changes in those coming. I guess that I have weathered another winter and will be looking forward to warmer weather within the next couple weeks.