In my part of the country, the weather is warming up enough to get rid of the ice and snow we’ve had since before Christmas. It is a welcome relief that I can leave my complex without too many problems. Got out and about a few times this weekend. I ran a few errands, so I am set for the next couple weeks. I still don’t socialize as much as I would like because the paranoia still remains. Sometimes it was strong enough I would go entire days without leaving my apartment. Physically, I’m having back problems again. I can’t stand for more than ten minutes at a time without lower back and upper leg pain. I can still get around if I walk for ten minutes, take ten minutes to sit, and repeat. But this isn’t practical when navigating out in public. I’ll have to go back to the chiropractor or some other doctor to see what I can do about my failing back. I’ve been fighting back problems on and off since my car accident in 2015. I imagine I’ll be fighting it for the rest of my life from now one. It’s a pity that I start falling apart physically right at the time when I start figuring things out mentally. At this point I wouldn’t mind just being a head in a jar attached to a machine body, like in Futurama 🙂
With my back being messed up, I am more house bound than I would like. I miss the things I was able to do even just a few years ago that, due to my bad back, I can’t do anymore. I miss walks in the park, I miss going swimming, I especially miss not worrying if sitting on a hard chair will mess me up. I even have a hard time getting in and out of my car anymore because of back pains. So I don’t drive unless it’s necessary now. I am now starting to see what I get to look forward as a senior citizen. Golden years, yeah right.
The positive side to having such limiting back pain is mentally I am still stable. I have remained stable for months. In the past, physical pain and illnesses have made my mental health worse. It doesn’t seem to anymore. Maybe as I become an old man I have learned to cope with the hangups and stresses of mental illness better. I do miss having a good strong back.
Been getting more regular sleep the last few days. So I’m returning to some of my old routines. Started lifting weights again. No doubt it’ll take a few weeks to get back into the routine of lifting weights three times a week. I’m eating healthier again. I used to eat fast food about once a day. Haven’t had the stuff for two weeks now. Been getting up around eight a.m. the last several days. Still napping for a couple hours in the afternoons. But I am no longer staying awake most of the nights.
Been going outside a couple times a day for the last few days. Starting to socialize again too. Found out that some of our more problematic residents have moved out. One of the reasons I isolated so much over the last year or so was to avoid these people. I can freely socialize again without fear of running into negative and angry people all the time. Too bad this didn’t happen a few months ago. Some of these individuals were really taxing my sanity and well being.
Had some changes in my medications. So far they seem to be working. As it is I have a several week supply of meds built up in case of emergencies. I think that after several months of less than optimal times, things are starting to look good again.
Since I’m starting to sleep less and more regular hours again, I’m finding myself with more free time. I’m still not sure what I’m going to do with this new found freedom and energy. I have pretty much been withdrawn and homebound for awhile. I imagine I need to start contacting friends and family again. I haven’t been a regular on Facebook for over a month. I want to get back in touch with people again. I’m even starting to look forward to the holidays for the first time in a long time. I’m glad to be back on the mend and more active again.
I want to start losing weight again. I’ve been real lazy about diet and exercise since my car accident two years ago. As a result I gained back all the weight I had lost previously. I haven’t been drinking sugared sodas for a couple weeks and I’m cutting back in other places too. I’m eating more vegetables too. Started lifting weights again. Been lazy about that for a long time. So glad I kept my old hand weights during my minimalist purges. Overall things are looking better than usual. Even during my exiles I stayed positive for the most part. But now I am more social and outgoing, it can get even better.
Even though it’s been a little more winter like the last few days, I can tell that spring is on the way. I’m starting to sleep less and even wake up earlier. I haven’t pulled an all nighter in over a week. I’m starting to do grocery shopping at night like I did in the past instead of at like 3 am. I’m chatting with friends more and starting to sort out my apartment. I had gotten lazy about cleaning since Christmas, so that was needing to change.
Mentally I’m as stable as I have been in a long time. I still don’t socialize much in person even if I make it a point to leave my apartment several times a day. Sometimes I leave for something as simple as getting soda pop at the convenience store just to get out of my apartment. I haven’t had any real bad flare ups for weeks. I don’t know if it’s because I don’t socialize that much or if I’m settling into a calm period. Late winters and springs are usually the most stable times of year for me. Late summers and early falls are always tough.
In other news, my niece and three nephews are coming to Nebraska for a few days over spring break. I haven’t seen those kids since last summer. It’ll be fun to touch base with them. I don’t get to see them very often. I do wish I lived closer to my brother and his family. Even though my brother and I weren’t close when we were growing up, I still think it’s important to keep touch with family members. Besides my parents are in their late 60s and they aren’t getting any younger. After a friend of mine told me her mom had cancer, it made me realize that easily could be my parents struggling with their health. And it got me thinking about my own health. Working against a chronic mental illness for twenty years has taken a toll on my physical health. I don’t get sick with viruses or infections very often, but I can tell I don’t have the physical strength I had even ten years ago. And people with schizophrenia tend to have shorter life spans to begin with. I can tell the stress of the mental illness is starting to wear me down. There is a connection between mental health and physical health I am convinced.
The winter is essentially over. We will probably have a couple more snows but they won’t be the type that stay around for weeks. I’m already starting to make plans for spring. And I’ll probably start spring cleaning and maintenance next week. I have a couple projects I need to get done that I’ve been putting off for weeks. It’s time to come out of my hibernation and winter exile.
Weathered the last winter storm alright. We didn’t get much snow but we had a lot of ice that made travel impossible for over two days. I spent those days indoors listening to free audiobooks on youtube. Between audiobooks and my regular books I’ve kept quite occupied this winter.
I decided that I want to get more serious about improving my physical health. I’m starting to lift arm weights again. I’m going to get a Fitbit in a couple days. And I’m going to schedule a checkup soon. My previous practitioner has retired so I have to find a new doctor. I haven’t been to a regular doctor for a couple years so I don’t exactly know where I stand physical health wise. I haven’t been physically sick other than an occasional cold for several years, so I think I might be doing something right on that end. I know I have gained a bunch of weight since my auto accident. After my back went out I got real lazy about exercise and dieting. I have been eating healthier since the weather turned colder. But I definitely want to get serious about my physical health again. I think I have the mental health pretty well set, at least for now. It’s been months since I had a breakdown and weeks since I’ve had any real depression or anxiety.
Right now I’m a third of the way through winter. I’ve adapted to the shorter days and colder weather pretty well. I’m not experiencing the crippling bouts of depression and boredom like I have in previous winters. I still keep odd hours. I stay up quite late and then sleep in until late morning most days. I don’t socialize much around my apartment complex. I don’t really drive much anymore either. I haven’t been outside of my town for weeks. But during the winter there really aren’t many places to go and the weather is too unpredictable for much travel. I keep occupied by online research and keeping in contact with friends and family most days. I’m looking forward to spring and warmer weather.
Twisted my knee the other day. It hurt bad enough I couldn’t even walk on it. Had to take an ambulance to the emergency room because I couldn’t drive myself because of the pain. I got my knee x-rayed and there was no breaks in the knee or bones. There was a lot of swelling. So I got my knee wrapped and some pain pills. I received a prescription for a walker. So I’m renting a walker for now until my knee clears up. I’m also taking over the counter pain pills every few hours. I hope this clears up soon.
Mentally I have managed to stay in high spirits. I am still doing well mentally in spite the pain. I won’t be able to go home for Christmas because of my limited mobility. So I’m spending Christmas at my apartment by myself. My parents have talked about coming to my place in a day or two so we could have a mini celebration. But I’m glad to be back home and on the mend.
Took some time today to take care of my physical health by going to the dentist for my annual check up. Had no cavities or problems besides one of my older fillings needing replaced. I’ll get that done in a couple weeks. Everything checked out fine at the dentist. I wasn’t expecting any problems as I don’t eat much for sugary food anymore. Anytime I drink soda pop it’s sugarless soda anymore. It does feel good to have that taken care of for another year.
I haven’t been eating nearly as much these last two months. I especially haven’t eaten much this month. I usually eat only two meals a day and it’s mainly because I’m just not that hungry. I’ve noticed my food cravings really went down once I started taking a daily multi vitamin.
Mentally I’m feeling pretty stable. I occasionally feel short periods of anxiety and irritability. These usually happen shortly after I wake up. I’ve traditionally done better at night than day. I don’t take my anti anxiety medication anymore. Just haven’t needed it lately.
I’m exercising and getting outside some everyday. It helps that the weather is cooling off. Hopefully I can get a few more weeks of outdoor activity in before the cold weather hits.
Started exercising more consistently a week ago. I’ve been keeping track of what I eat again. It seems every time I track what I eat I end up losing weight even if I’m not doing much activity. Unfortunately I tend to be unmindful of how much I eat when I’m not tracking what I eat. If I’m going to lose weight again I have to track. It’s worked before and it can work again.
I’m walking more again and lifting weights again. I’m also doing stretches every day. I still stretch after lifting weights but I decided to do it more often. I never was very flexible even as a child. I get minor muscle pulls pretty easily and that’s probably not getting any better as I age. Weight lifting has been mainly a winter activity for the last few years. But I decided to get a couple month head start this year. Weight lifting by itself isn’t a fun activity so that is why I watch tv while I lift. I started taking a multi vitamin along with Vitamin C and D. Vitamin D especially is supposed to help alleviate depression. I’m thinking about starting on Fish Oil but am concerned about it thinning my blood. I’ll bring it up when I see my psych doctor in two weeks. I also see my dentist for a regular check up. Besides having to have some wisdom teeth pulled a few years ago I’ve had good luck with my current dentist. I was in rough enough shape when I had those taken out I missed two days from work.
I’ve been getting outside more since the weather started cooling off a week ago. I have my windows open most of the time now. I’ve shut off my air conditioner and probably won’t have to use it again until next summer. I’m still avoiding stress inducing people and situations as much as possible. That really helps me.
I still don’t get as much socializing as I would like. The writers’ support group I used to go to disbanded this month. So I’m looking for another group. I’m considering going back to my mental illness support group that meets once a week. I haven’t been a regular for a few years. I usually drop in a few times a year to update people. I really haven’t needed that much support most of the time as I have long since accepted my mental illness and come to terms with the lost career and lost opportunity for a family of my own. Instead I have settled for old friends and some friends I have made through the groups I participate in online. I look at friends as the pseudo family that you can choose. As my physical health improves I’ll look for more opportunities to socialize.