Forcing Myself Out of My Comfort

Been forcing myself out of my comfort zones more the last few days.  I’ve been leaving my apartment more often and forcing myself to socialize.  Ran many errands I had been neglecting during the winter.  Getting stocked up on house supplies and cleaning agents so I can do my spring cleaning more properly.  Going to get that started in a few days.  After a few warmer than usual days we are back into winter.  While I knew this was going to happen, I’m still a little disappointed in myself for not taking more advantage of the warmer weekend.  But in terms of supplies and things I’ve been putting off for the last few weeks I’m pretty much caught up.

Been feeling a little less at ease as I’ve been forcing myself to expand my horizons.  That’s probably why I’m a little more irritable than usual.  That and I’m attempting to readjust my sleep patterns so I don’t sleep all day while being awake all night.  I could tell this routine was starting to take a toll on me.  I don’t understand how people who work night shifts for years do it without losing their sanity.  I used to work night shifts at a factory.  While the work was simple enough and the pay good, I just couldn’t adapt to sleeping all day and working all night five nights a week.  After several weeks my work started to suffer and I had to leave the job once my request for a different shift was denied.  I could tell a breakdown was coming if I stayed there.

While I’ve been socializing more I have found I really haven’t lost my social skills in spite spending weeks essentially alone.  I still prefer to spend most of my time alone, but sometimes things like this come and go in phases.  Sometimes I’ll want to sleep all the time and sometimes I won’t want to sleep at all.  Sometimes I’ll want to socialize every day and sometimes I’ll want to go entire days where I talk to no one.  But at least at this point in my life with mental illness I can recognize this and plan accordingly.

Resolving Lingering Problems

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Found out I’m getting my new carpet in the apartment next week.  I have started rearranging and cleaning my apartment so the work can go faster.  I still have another day or two of work before the place is ready to go when the work crew gets here.  I imagine I’ll have to vacate my apartment for a day or two while work is being done.  But I have needed new carpet for years.  Hopefully this can get done quickly.

I am now completely adjusted to my new medications after being on the new plan for four months.  I definitely feel a positive change in my mental health.  I am slower to anger and less apt to fall into depression.  I have fewer hallucinations.  The only time I have hallucinations is when I’m under high stress.  I don’t just go out and wander nearly as much as I used to.  While I am doing better mentally I did gain a lot of weight after hurting my back.  Too little activity and too much comfort food.  Since my back finally healed up a month ago I have recommitted to eating healthier and getting more exercise.  I have given up sugared drinks and most unhealthy eating out.  When I do eat out, it’s usually sub sandwiches or wraps at a deli.  I’m still rebuilding my stamina after two months of inactivity.  It is a slow and frustrating process.  When I was rearranging my apartment I had to take more breaks than I am used to.  It’s going to take a long time to get back to where I was before my car accident I think.

Speaking of car accident, I got my settlement from the accident a few days ago.  I put most of it into savings as I pretty much already have most of what I want.  I did buy some used books from amazon.  They were some books I had my eyes on for awhile but was waiting until the settlement cleared.  These will be my fall reading.  I got lazy about reading when my back was hurting.  I’m only now starting to get back into the reading routine.  My car is still running well even though I still don’t drive as much.  I guess since I became more content with my life and what I already have, I haven’t felt the need to go a lot of places and spend a lot of money.  Buying books on amazon is the most frivolous purchase I have made in months.  I just no longer feel the need to own a lot of things. I’ve been a minimalist for probably two years.  It certainly makes it easier to clean my apartment and keep track of things.  I am glad to no longer have to deal with clutter and junk.  I refuse to be like those people on ‘Hoarders.’

This month of August has involved tying up loose ends and resolving long standing problems.  I’m scheduled to get my carpet and blinds replaced.  I got my settlement from the car accident.  My back is healed.  I’m back to exercising and eating healthier.  I made it through the hottest parts of summer with fewer mental health problems than previous years.  I’m adjusted to my new psych medications.  I’m back to contacting my friends and family more often.  I’m making a regular thing out of this blog.  I’m thankful for the messages I get from you readers.  I know I’m not always diligent about responding to everyone who writes to me.  But thank you everyone who has read this blog and thank you everyone for the words of encouragement.  Maybe I am making a positive difference with this blog.

 

To The Stars With Difficulty

The road to the life of our dreams is seldom a straight and smooth one.  I admit I don’t remind myself of that enough.  But life is mainly about how many times you get up after being knocked down.  I have been knocked down quite a bit in the last several months as my previous posts have shown.  But I have to keep getting up and moving forward.  Yes I lost a grandmother who was one of my closest confidants.  Yes my back got messed up in a car accident.  Yes I got lazy about losing weight and gained much of the weight I lost.  Yes I had difficulties and relapses with my schizophrenia.  Yes I became lazy in my social life.  Yes I developed a negative attitude about many things.  Yes I became depressed and lazy in my personal habits.  It’s all true.

But that does not define me any longer.  I won’t allow it to define me.  I do have problems I’ve been dealing with.  But I will solve them and keep moving forward.  I have solved problems in the past and I will solve my problems again.  No I may not make my goal of being at my high school weight within the time frame I set for myself two years ago.  But I won’t give up on pursuing that goal.  No I haven’t been able to exercise for two weeks because of my bad back.  Yes I made excuses not to exercise because the weather was lousy this spring.  Yes I lost a lot of my social safety net when I became paranoid and thought I could do all things on my own.  But that is changing starting here and now.  I am not going to go out without a fight.  I am not giving up on improving my health.  I lost seventy pounds in a little over a year only to gain at least forty pounds back in a year.  But I am stopping the bleeding.  I lost weight before and I will do it again.  I had good mental health before and I can gain it back even with a mental illness.  I have had good friends and lots of acquaintances before and I will have them again.  It starts here and now.  It starts today.  I am no longer going to be my past failures.  I have been through difficulties, some beyond my control and some even self inflicted.  I am going to be better all around.  And the road to the stars for me restarts here and now.