Staying home for the most part these days. I have developed a phobia of people and being out in public. A few weeks ago I was going to run some errands in my car. Unfortunately I had a panic attack in my car before I left the parking lot of my apartment. I haven’t driven since. I go out to run my car once a week but I am too scared to drive anymore. I am also scared of people in general too.
I think this phobia developed over the last several months because almost everyone I was dealing with was in irritable and foul moods all the time. And any time I tried to tell some good news or try to cheer anyone up, I am usually met with silence. Even my friends are almost always in foul moods anymore. I try to cheer them up, but it doesn’t work. About the only person I talk to anymore who isn’t always depressed or angry is my mother.
I don’t associate with my neighbors anymore. They are always angry, irritable, and petty. My landlord wants to get some activities going to get people more involved and perhaps alleviate some of the anger and boredom. Good luck. I won’t be participating. I am burned out on people.
Trying to talk to friends doesn’t help. They too are always angry and depressed. Recently the most optimistic friend I had has turned into a bitter man. He always complains about how stupid his students are and how things were so much better in the past. And it irritates me. I guess I’m still hurt and angry by how much my elders griped and moaned about my classmates and myself when we were kids back in the 1980s and 1990s. And it angers and saddens me to see how much people in my age bracket are turning on their own kids. We were those “damn kids” back in the 1990s and we hated being painted with a broad brush and stereotypes back then. Yet here you are, now that you have kids of your own, a few gray hairs, debts up to your eyeballs, jobs you hate, etc. and you have the gall to pull the same b.s. on the younger generations that was pulled on us? Hypocrites! Why do people even have kids if all they are going to do is rip on them and hate them?
It because of people always wanting to gripe and fight that I have dropped out of society. I rarely talk to even my tech enthusiast groups. They have gotten to fighting among themselves too. I swear we have, at least my age bracket, forgotten the basic rules of civil behavior that should have become automatic in kindergarten. And the elders I deal with are often worse. I hate what has happen to people. I hope they grow out of it.
I guess it’s a good thing I had to learn how to be on my own even as a child. I learned even before I got out of grade school that no one was going to care about my problems or me for that matter. No one shed any tears when I got bullied at school. No one cared I was regarded as an underachiever because I never got straight A’s in school. It doesn’t matter that no employer or even college asked to see my high school grades. And no one cared when I lost any shot at a career, marriage, or normal life because of schizophrenia.
Not even the doctor who diagnosed me told me how bad this could be. When I was first diagnosed at age twenty I wasn’t even told it was a disability. I spent six years banging my head against the wall fighting through school and numerous failed jobs before admitting defeat. And even then it took two years to qualify for disability. As many cuts to the system and roadblocks as there are anymore, I don’t think I could qualify now in 2019. I lost a significant amount of social security money because, had I applied before my 22nd birthday, I could have been counted under my parents’ earnings and not my own. And my dad was a dentist and my mom was a nurse, so I would have been making much more than I am now. In this case, it didn’t pay to try to do the moral and honorable thing. I should have quit college and applied for disability as soon as I was diagnosed. It would have saved me years of heartache and struggle. If it weren’t for the friends I made in college, it would have been a waste (at least in my case). But since I didn’t have many friends growing up in the village that I did, maybe college kept me from becoming a complete misanthrope.
It hurts seeing so many people angry and irritable and depressed all the time. It has taken a toll on both my mental and physical health. I don’t want to leave my apartment anymore, not even for doctors’ appointments. My psych doctor knows about my problems but doesn’t want to do teleconferences for my appointments. I just don’t feel safe out of my apartment anymore. Anytime anyone comes to me to talk about anything it’s just to complain, with the exception of delivery guys and my cleaning lady. Kind of sad that the only enriching and encouraging conversation I get anymore is from people that I pay to do something for me. Maybe I should PayPal all my friends money once a week to make them be optimistic and encouraging. Because of people always being so irritable and negative, I skipped my class reunion and family reunion. I am just too burned out to deal with anyone’s problems but my own. I am burned out. I no longer want to deal with negativity. My own problems are bad enough. And I will continue to be a hermit until I get some positive vibes off my family and friends again. Until then, I’m dropping out of society.