One true complaint I have is that I get lonely more often than previously. I guess with the weather turning warm I can get out of my complex every day now but I really have no one to share it with. And most friends I know don’t seem to interact as much online anymore as in the past. Sometimes I go entire days without talking to anyone now. It’s kind of sad actually. I am told to reach out to friends and family but when I do I’m too often ignored. It’s a good thing that I’m an introvert by nature with this illness if no one has the time or energy to communicate. I guess I had to learn to be self reliant even at an early age, and I’m glad that I had to. Prepared me well for my adulthood. And even when my friends take the time to socialize, it’s mostly negativity or pettiness that won’t matter down the road. I’m told I’m lucky in that I don’t have to work a job for my living as I’m on disability pension. In the next breath I’m told I’m a freeloader, lazy, and a drain on society because I can’t work or pay taxes.
To listen to some people, the only worth people have is as workers and taxpayers. Yet, these same people complain about paying taxes and how much they hate their jobs. The worst part about working when I was still in the workforce wasn’t the job itself, it was dealing with irritable and divisive coworkers and bosses and customers who were impossible to please. It isn’t the work itself I hated, it was other people’s poor attitudes I hated. Even though I haven’t held a socially acceptable job since 2012, I still can’t stand people when the negativity flares up in them. I’ve ended friendships with people for being too negative. I’ve even told off my parents when they got too negative for my tastes.
And why shouldn’t I? People told me off all the time when I was in a poor mood and had moments of weakness, especially in childhood. Sure, there were plenty of times I earned getting in trouble for my less than stellar attitudes. But, let’s hold everyone to these standards. It seems like we hold children and sick people to higher standards than regular people. And the celebrities and elected officials we personally like, well, we hold to zero standards. Very hypocritical. I don’t even know why I bother with people some days. I never really desired to be a hermit. I made myself one because most people I know are impossible to please and just not interested in improving anything, especially themselves. That too is very hypocritical. Hold everyone to standards you won’t hold yourself too.
Haven’t been going much of anywhere for the last several days. Anymore I am fine with just staying home, chatting with friends online or over the phone, reading online articles, and sleeping. I sleep more than I probably should. But I actually enjoy sleep anymore, as strange as it sounds. In the early years of my mental illness, I used to have really bad nightmares several nights a week. Sometimes I’d wake up in a panic and drenched in sweat. Sometimes I’d wake up to muscle cramps. A few times I was so scared by my dreams I would just cry. I haven’t cried over anything for almost fifteen years now, not even my grandparents’ funerals. It’s almost like the horrors and terrors of the early years of mental illness killed a small part of my humanity.
I admit to having a hard time dealing with strong emotions. I don’t show much sadness anymore even when I wish I could break down sobbing. I know, it’s not manly to sob or feel much of anything. I do feel a lot of frustration and even anger toward stupidity, rudeness, hypocrisy, and people who have no empathy or compassion. As strange as it sounds to most people, I don’t even know when someone loves me unless they flat out say they do. I know how to feel love toward others and I attempt to send it out the best way I know how usually to have it rejected. But I really don’t know how to tell that someone loves me. Of course this lack of basic ability to read emotions murdered my romantic prospects before they had a chance to get rolling. I haven’t been on a date in well over ten years. I accept the fact that I probably never will be able to date or have a romantic interest grow into anything besides a silent interest and secret admiration simply because I am unable to read other’s emotions. It was a very tough truth that took me until I was almost thirty to accept about myself. I know what it like to feel love towards others, I just don’t know how to tell when others love me back.
Another month is all but over as summer fades into autumn. The weather is turning cooler and the nights are now longer than the days. I get outside some everyday to enjoy the cooler weather but I still don’t socialize much, at least not in person. It just seems that everyone I come into contact with anymore is in such a foul and angry mood all the time. I hope it’s just the paranoia of my illness talking. But it seems I can’t have any kind of conversation without the other person going off on someone or something or just being irritable. I hate it. It makes me so glad I live alone and just hole up for days if need be. I have enough problems of my own. But I try not to dwell on them. I won’t have anyone else trying to drag me down when I feel decent. I have even resorted to not talking to even close friends sometimes because even they are in foul moods. It’s getting old and I don’t want to put up with it anymore.
Getting out of the apartment several times a day now. Have been for the last several days. Catching up on the news of what’s been going on around the complex and meeting some of the new residents who moved in during the summer. Seems like we have a few really cool people move in lately, and some of them are even in my age bracket and younger. So I might be rebuilding some of my social safety nets that had fallen apart over the last few years.
I haven’t been as social over the last three years as I had been previously. I think some of it started when three of my friends in my apartment complex died within six months of each other. Then we had a few problem residents come in that gave problems to everyone. So I started isolating to avoid the drama. Then my grandmother died, which I think I took harder subconsciously than I realized at the time. My car accident in late 2015 left me scared to drive and not able to trust other drivers on the road for a long time. 2016 is a lost year as far as I’m concerned. The drama and emotions from the elections caused me so much grief and anxiety. I also lost some good friends and lost contact with some extended family because of those emotions running hot.
After months of hot emotions and people going insane over the pettiest things, 2017 was another tough year. I spent most of that year alone. I rarely visited friends or family. I went entire days without leaving my apartment. I more or less lost my ability to see anything decent in other humans, especially people in my immediate life. I devoted most of 2017 to my writing and self directed scholarly endeavors. Seeing some of the advances that were rapidly being developed was one of the few things that gave me hope in those dark years. Like a fool I tried to share this information with people, but almost no one took me seriously. I had some jerks tell me I was “fake news” and a liar. “Fake news” is another stupid phrase I despise. After a few episodes of this, I became real despondent. I lost myself in computer games and youtube videos and just became annoyed and irritated with people in general. The less I had to deal with flesh and bone people, the better as far as I was concerned.
But after almost three years of depression imposed exile and hermitage, I am slowly becoming more social. I actually want to socialize now. I truly believe that the type of people one surrounds themselves with can effect your mental and even physical health. I have believed this for years. But since most people I knew and ran into on a daily basis were in foul and angry moods, it just seemed better to just isolate, stay out of sight, and hope to God that people eventually came back to their senses. I’m thinking that people, at least the ones I associate with, are starting to come back to their senses. I certainly hope so. The last three years were lonely years. The only years I would rather relive less is my late teens and early twenties before I was being treated for mental illness.
Haven’t written much because I really haven’t been up to it the last few days. Between seeing the family, my having major maintenance being done on my apartment, dealing with the hot weather, and now entering my traditionally tough time of year, I haven’t been motivated to do much of anything. I’m burned out already and summer has barely started. I’ve been having maintenance come and go out of my apartment for the last few weeks. And to tell you the truth, it’s thrown a monkey wrench in my routines. I’ll be so, so glad once everything is taken care of and I don’t have maintenance and management dropping in on my place at a moment’s notice. I have to be out of my apartment all day Monday. Still have no idea what I’m doing for the whole day. I really don’t want to go to my parents’ place. I don’t want to hang out in the part as it’s supposed to be yet another hot day. I really don’t have any close friends in my complex that I could just spend the day at. All my old friends in my hometown have moved out of state a long time ago. I really have no clue as to what I’m doing all day out of my apartment.
Since I’ve developed a fear of leaving my apartment, this is probably going to be tougher than it would normally be. I’m burned out. I’m tired of always having to jump to other’s schedules at a second’s notice. That’s why I don’t go anywhere for any length of time anymore. If I do I’ll miss some request from family, friends, management, maintenance, etc and then I’m in trouble with said people. I’m paranoid enough as is. I just want to be left alone.
Of course no one wants to hear my problems. My parents were busy with their grandkids the last entire week. I had to fake like I was in a good mood for my birthday bash. My friends won’t return my calls or messages on facebook. I don’t know what is wrong with everyone all at once. And I’m tired of trying to figure people out. After months of dealing with nonsense from pretty much everyone in my life, I’m about to crack. Too bad I couldn’t just break down and sob to express my real emotions. I think I’ve cried only twice in the last twenty years. I didn’t cry at any of the funerals I’ve ever been to. But, then, it’s not manly to have emotions besides anger and lust.
In short, I just want to be left alone for a very long time. I’m tired of dealing with stupid and rude people I can’t please. I don’t need therapy. I don’t need company. I don’t need a medication adjustment. I just need people to leave me alone if they are going to be stupid and rude.
Even though winter is all but over and the weather is warming up, I’m still spending most of my time alone and isolated. Just been more irritable and short tempered lately. Even hearing my neighbors walk down the hallway can irritate me anymore. And since my neighbors are prone to argue among themselves and make lots of noise during the day, I have intentionally been sleeping during the days and staying up until sunrise for most of the last two weeks. Why shouldn’t I? It’s not like I have much of social life anyway. At least I haven’t had much of a social life for the last few years once even social media stopped being fun. I mean, do normal people enjoy being angry and argumentative all the time? It seems to be that way to me. It didn’t use to be this bad. In fact, most people used to be pretty cool about petty disagreements.
I can’t imagine what’s going to happen to my nation and my friends over the next few years. I used to believe that if we made it though these tough times, we’d have a real cool future. But every time I try to be encouraging or bring up something cool science has done recently, I’m met with either stone cold indifference or fear. My countrymen didn’t used to fear change nearly as much as we do now. Hell, we used to force change sometimes out of boredom. When I look at my elders, leaders, and even people my own age in my hometown and my country in general, I find it hard to believe that these peoples’ parents and grandparents landed on the moon, built personal computers, won major world wars, or even had the courage to immigrate to a new land where they knew no one and had only their dreams and work ethic to keep them going in the dark times. Whatever pioneer spirit and love of innovation my people once had is dead. And it’s quite sad. But no one cares anymore, at least not enough to embrace change. I know some really cool things are coming within the next ten to twenty years for the people of this world, at least those who are willing to push through their fears of change and adapt accordingly.
But I look around me in my hometown and my family and friends, and I don’t see any adapting. I see nothing but fear and hate. In some ways I’m glad I’m not well adjusted to my current reality. The only people who seem to be are those who are nostalgic for a past that never really existed in the first place. I no longer see the courage and original thinking that made my nation and it’s people the envy of the world. And I won’t let us slip away without putting up a fight.
I spent several days at my parents’ place last week. I was needing the peace and quiet and a little encouragement. Unfortunately the encouragement left as soon as I got home. I have been convinced for years that the environment a person lives in and the type of people they are forced to associate with on a day to day business can greatly effect a person’s happiness and overall well being. Most people have thought I was full of it for believing this as the majority of people I know believe you can will yourself out of depression, mental illness, and a bad situation. You can’t will yourself out of mental illness anymore than an amputee can will his leg back. In this day and age of advanced medicine and science, the people that think such things think them mainly because they choose to remain ignorant about science, technology, and illness.
I don’t get encouragement from being around my neighbors. Haven’t for a long time. I certainly don’t find encouragement when I try to contact even close friends and family online anymore. Even family and close friends too often act like barbarians online, and don’t even get me started on random strangers and friends of friends. About the only real intelligent and rational conversation and interactions I have anymore on my tech enthusiasts groups and my parents. And my parents are both advanced in age and not in great health, so they will probably be dying within twenty years. When they go, I’ll lose the vast majority of my social outlets and supports. Tell me again why I want to live to old age?
I’m not sorry for being discouraged and sounding off about it. Why should I? Everybody else feels free to gripe and complain and generally drag anyone within ear shot into the cesspool that is socializing. Even Superman has his kryptonite. And lately I have been exposed to near lethal doses of it. I’m tired from fighting and not seeing any results. I’m tired of trying to encourage people with good news that doesn’t make the press only to be told I am a liar and that I’m a peddler of fake news. I’m tired of always having to keep my head down in the dirt when we as a species were meant to reach for the stars. Normal people are discouraging, you really are.