Had my annual physical checkup this morning. Sadly I haven’t lost any weight since last year, yet I didn’t gain any either. The really strange thing is my clothing fits better than even last year. I don’t know if it’s because I gained muscle or if I’m just delusional again. I started on a blood pressure medication. Not surprised as my dad has been taking blood pressure medications for over thirty years. My lab results will be coming back in a day or two. The big things I got taken care of was the new blood pressure medication, new prescription for a cpap machine, got the paperwork going to try to get some home health aide programs, and just getting everything up to speed again.
I had a physical back in summer 2018. Shortly after I developed serious agrophobia. I got to where I was fearful of driving. I finally sold my car several weeks ago. I heard it went to a good home. I got to where I wouldn’t even leave my home most days. I was just that fearful of being out in public. And just spending time at home no doubt made my physical health worse and led to the paranoia and phobias just building on themselves. When I was out in the parking lot waiting for my ride to the doctor’s office, I had two residents who thought I had moved out. No I haven’t moved out. I am just home bound most days.
Things have been going down hill for me for right on five years now. I had three good friends die within six months of each other. They all lived in my complex. Then I had another friend die in 2016, also in my complex. I had my car accident in 2015. That was the beginning of the end of my road trips. After that car accident, I went into a deep depression and gained well over 100 pounds in three years. I had a few rounds of physical therapy. But that car accident really took most of my confidence. 2016 and 2017 were even more depressing as I had falling outs with most of my family and friends, mostly over politics and religion. I am still not on speaking terms with much of my family or some of my old college friends. The whole thing has become a mess I am too overwhelmed to deal with.
I tried to talk to an old friend about toning it down some, but he wouldn’t have anything to do with it. Told me it was my fault for being so sensitive and triggered. Well, screw you! If we as a civilization have gotten to where we no longer care about friends’ emotional health and generally don’t care about empathy, then I want no part of it. I don’t understand people who care more about politics and religion than their oldest friends. I never will. Hell, I don’t want to understand people like that. The only real positive that has come out of everything falling apart for me is that I got to find out what friends and family were genuine and which ones were frauds. Sadly I lost most of my friends and don’t talk to most of my family besides my parents and a couple cousins. Yes I said frauds. If you care more about your precious damn politics than you do friends and family, you are a fraud. End of discussion. This is not open to debate. You will not be responded to. You were never a good person. I’m glad you are out of my life. Don’t ever come back.
I just don’t talk to anyone much anymore. But then it seems like people have been avoiding me too lately. I hope this is just my paranoia creeping in. But it does seem like almost no one has time or energy to just chat lately. I fear that I’m becoming this way too. I try to stay optimistic overall but it is tough. First, I’m not an optimist by nature as I wasn’t raised to be one. I was almost never told anything positive about the world or life in general from my elders as a kid. Made me wonder why anyone had kids if the world was falling apart as much as my parents, teachers, and church elders told me it was. But that was before I got out on my own and came to the realization that most people are more ruled by short term emotion than by long term logic. As someone who is part artist and part science enthusiast, I find my emotion and logical sides at conflict quite often. I have spent the better part of the last five years training up the logical part of my mind. It isn’t easy and it’s often frustrating. Bill Gates once stated that people tend to overestimate change in the short term but underestimate it in the long term. Getting to see what cool stuff happens next is one of the things that keeps me going. It’s the scientist, the engineer, the doctor, the humanitarian that gives me as much hope as most of my friends get out of their political parties. I try to explain to my friends that politicians can pass budgets, pass favorable laws, and then get out of the way. That’s about all they can do. I have never seen a politician build a power plant or figure out how to grow more crops with fewer chemicals. Many problems of modern civilization are science and engineering issues, not political or even social ones.
I just as well be speaking ancient Sanskrit to my friends in that they’re not coming around and probably never will. I would love to live in a world where the scientists and doctors were as well known and respected as pro athletes and big shot Hollywood stars. But I suppose that’s a pipe dream that won’t come true in my lifetime, if ever. As it is I am a mentally ill unemployed man trying to make sense of the madness in the people around me. At this point I’m glad I don’t have a regular job in that it would probably drive me to complete break down. I’m glad for the safety nets I have. It saddens and sickens me that there are people who want to remove even these. We live in a post industrial civilization where we can feed everyone, not some Stone Age Darwinian survival of the fittest setup our ancestors already overcame. Yet, it seems like some people are bent on bringing back the Stone Age. I hope it’s just my paranoia creeping in but it does seem like there’s too many people losing hope and giving up right before things get real interesting. As far as any politicians of any country go, they are merely “momentary masters of a fraction of a dot” to quote Carl Sagan. We would be wise to regain such perspective in our own lives.
I haven’t been doing as well the last few days as I have been in previous months. I’m feeling excessively paranoid and just wanting to be alone all the time anymore. I don’t even enjoy talking on the phone. Other than a couple friends and a couple futurist groups, I have given up on socializing on facebook. Just seems to me that everyone wants to be irritable and riled up all the time anymore. And it makes me sick. Makes me wonder why bother being an optimist or trying to stay in a good mood. Everyone else it seems is in always in a lousy and angry mood, why should I be any different? I just don’t see any happiness or genuine joy in the world anymore. I’m just scared all the time anymore. I’m scared of my neighbors, I’m scared of my landlords, I’m scared of my family, and I’m scared of even friends and acquiantances anymore. It’s like empathy doesn’t exist anymore. I just want to stay home and sleep all the time anymore. And even in my dreams I am tormented. But at least my dreams aren’t real. My paranoias might not be reality either, but they just as well be as that is how powerful the human mind is. I’m just too tired and burned out to stay angry all the time anymore. That anger has given way to genuine fear and anxiety. I am tired of being full of fear all the time. I used to believe the future would be really cool if we could get past our short term issues. I no longer believe that. I think the dystopians were right and the future will be worse than even now. I’ve observed people in my own life since I was a child and rarely do people change for the better over the years. Most actually get more angry, greedy, irritable, and hateful as they age. At least, that’s the impression that I have gotten over the years. I’m tired of always being sad and depressed. I’m tired of seeing nothing but hate and anger in everyone I meet anymore. People like that just as well be back in the Stone Age. And maybe that’s where we are heading. I hope not. I guess I’m writing just to get things I’ve kept bottled up for weeks now. I’m scared if I had the traditional psych breakdown where I vent for a couple hours that I’ll get the cops called on me and I will definately then be evicted. I’ve always had the fear of being evicted from my apartment too. Had that for years. I doubt it would be any better if I owned my own property. I’m just paranoid to a disabling degree. But such is the nature of schizophrenia. And I still have no understanding of people who don’t believe that mental illness exists. But some people are just ignorant and lack any kind of empathy. If you have no empathy, than I won’t deal with you. The world needs empathy, compassion, and a willingness to forgive and let a few things slide more than ever. And I just don’t see this happening, at least not where I live.
Even though winter is all but over and the weather is warming up, I’m still spending most of my time alone and isolated. Just been more irritable and short tempered lately. Even hearing my neighbors walk down the hallway can irritate me anymore. And since my neighbors are prone to argue among themselves and make lots of noise during the day, I have intentionally been sleeping during the days and staying up until sunrise for most of the last two weeks. Why shouldn’t I? It’s not like I have much of social life anyway. At least I haven’t had much of a social life for the last few years once even social media stopped being fun. I mean, do normal people enjoy being angry and argumentative all the time? It seems to be that way to me. It didn’t use to be this bad. In fact, most people used to be pretty cool about petty disagreements.
I can’t imagine what’s going to happen to my nation and my friends over the next few years. I used to believe that if we made it though these tough times, we’d have a real cool future. But every time I try to be encouraging or bring up something cool science has done recently, I’m met with either stone cold indifference or fear. My countrymen didn’t used to fear change nearly as much as we do now. Hell, we used to force change sometimes out of boredom. When I look at my elders, leaders, and even people my own age in my hometown and my country in general, I find it hard to believe that these peoples’ parents and grandparents landed on the moon, built personal computers, won major world wars, or even had the courage to immigrate to a new land where they knew no one and had only their dreams and work ethic to keep them going in the dark times. Whatever pioneer spirit and love of innovation my people once had is dead. And it’s quite sad. But no one cares anymore, at least not enough to embrace change. I know some really cool things are coming within the next ten to twenty years for the people of this world, at least those who are willing to push through their fears of change and adapt accordingly.
But I look around me in my hometown and my family and friends, and I don’t see any adapting. I see nothing but fear and hate. In some ways I’m glad I’m not well adjusted to my current reality. The only people who seem to be are those who are nostalgic for a past that never really existed in the first place. I no longer see the courage and original thinking that made my nation and it’s people the envy of the world. And I won’t let us slip away without putting up a fight.
I’ve been feeling quite calm and content since Thanksgiving. I really haven’t left the complex that much but I do keep myself occupied. I still watch a lot of educational videos on youtube and curiosity stream. Most people will find me odd for saying this but I love learning new things. Sure the things I learn may not help me make more money or land a dream job, but so what? Why does everything I do have to have a dollar sign attached to it? Why can’t I do something just to make myself smarter and more interesting? I know plenty of well to do people who haven’t voluntarily read a book since high school. But these people are one dimensional, boring, and really don’t know what’s going on in the world outside of their workplace. You may make a lot of money but that doesn’t make up for the fact you may be boring, uninteresting, a bad parent, or your marriage is falling apart. Most of my critics think I’m wasting my time and efforts learning extemporaneous things and not doing practical things like chasing women or complaining about my coworkers. But I don’t care. I’ve reached the age where I’m focused on what I need to do to advance my work and purpose and everything else is just background noise.
As it is I consider this blog and my own enlightenment my career now. I don’t care that I don’t make much money from it. Besides money isn’t backed up by anything tangible as most countries haven’t been on a gold or silver standard for generations. Your money is fake. Your money is less real than a porn star’s body parts. And that is why I don’t care that I don’t get much money from this blog or my other outside projects. My critics just love to brag about how much they work in one breath and then complain about how much they hate their jobs in the next. Robots and automated programs will be taking many jobs within the next twenty years. Someday that job you lord over others to brag about how much you are earning your keep will be taken over by machines. Then what? Then you will be in the same place with the “welfare bums” and “lazy idiots” you have damned for generations.
I really have no patience for people who brag about how much they supposedly work and about how irreplaceable they are. Screw you, we are all replaceable. There have been tens of billions of humans that have lived in the history of our species, individuals are not that special. Many jobs will be replaced by machines within the next generation. Many millions of people will be unemployed without their consent. And here you are complaining about people that can’t find jobs to support themselves or resorting to welfare programs. Well, screw you! We will probably all be on some kind of tax payer sponsored support within the next thirty years, especially when automation takes off.
Many people think we’re going to bring back millions manufacturing jobs and it’ll be like the go go 1950s once again. First of all, most manufacturing jobs are getting to the point that machines can do them better than any human can. Even Chinese factories are putting in robotic manufacturing processes as we speak. It’s not like an average person just out of high school is going to work the same factory job for forty five years and then get a pension anymore. Those days are as dead as the horse and buggy. And it’s stupid and pointless to try to bring those days back. If we are to compete on a world stage, we’re going to have to update our entire education system and retrain millions of workers. It angers me to think that I spent my educational career in a mediocre system that didn’t challenge me or even try to prepare me to compete on a global scale. Heck I feel like I was cheated by my school systems. There is more to life than whether you can throw the football a long way or become prom queen.
We aren’t going to bring back the “good ol’ days”, and they weren’t that good to begin with. I have no patience with people who have an overabundance of nostalgia for the past and think that the old days were some magical time where people respected others and an honest day’s work meant an honest day’s pay. In most cases, an honest day’s work meant you didn’t get whipped by your slave masters for most of history or beaten by your alcoholic husband. I hate nostaliga and I am really sick and tired of people longing for a past that never existed in the real world. Do your homework already!
I guess I shouldn’t rant that much about people who won’t do their homework. But it does get old after awhile. It does scare me that even though I’m a schizophrenic on disability pension I do more homework into the state of science, technology, and world affairs in a typical day than most people do in a month. The internet is a great tool to learn cool and great things. Use it for some constructive purpose already. The internet was not designed just so you could troll people who don’t agree with you. Dealing with stupid people who think they’re something special because they have the internet (which they had nothing to do with in making) gets tiring and discouraging from time to time. I guess this is one of those times I’m just discouraged with so many people in my life acting and thinking like a bunch of barbarian brutes. I will feel better eventually but I just need to vent right now. Even mentally ill people should be allowed to have moments of weakness. Screw the stiff upper lip at all times!
Another thing my schizophrenic mind hates is politics. I will not under any circumstances discuss my opinions about politics with anyone outside of a couple family members and my two best friends. For one, I’m open to the possibility I could be way off. Two, I consciously know I am only one vote among millions so I don’t feel like I am completely in charge of the whole political process. I don’t have delusions of grandeur in that regard. And third, I have nothing but complete loathing and absolute hatred for how continuous and nasty the whole topic has become in recent years even among close friends. And every time I turn on my tv or log onto Facebook, that’s the main thing I see on the news or in my newsfeed. I have unfollowed dozens of friends and family members because I don’t want to hear about politics anymore. I unfollowed people I agree with even. I don’t want to hear about anyone’s politics any more than an atheist wants to hear about your relationship with God. I unfollowed these friends and avoid news channels because I don’t need that level of confirmation bias and headaches. No, I don’t have it all figured out even though I am 35 years old. I missed that memo that said I had to have all my opinions and beliefs for life formed by age 21. I’m open to changing my beliefs. I don’t identify myself with how I voted in the last election. And I am absolutely sickened by how no one wants to compromise on anything and how much everyone fights over the pettiest nonsense. Politics is a religion for far too many people. I am more than my vote. I am more than my opinions. And I will be glad when the mass insanity of the election is over. I have enough stress and tension in my schizophrenic mind. I don’t need to deal with nonsense that I as one person can’t do anything about. I’m convinced that normal people are more insane than I am, at least when it comes to politics.