Mentally I’m still stable for the most part. I sometimes have moments of irritability and anxiety. They usually last for only a few minutes. I’m glad I haven’t lashed out at anyone because of these bouts. I fear with as on edge as most people are these days, my lashing out at even family wouldn’t go over well. So far I’ve been able to fit and fume to myself and keep these flare ups from blowing up into breakdowns.
My cleaning lady is back on the job. She comes back in a couple days. I miss my neighbors. I was sad to see them leave. But I am coping alright.
The college football season is all but cancelled in the US. I’m sad to see this happen but I hope it can come back next fall and we have a mass produced vaccine before long. I have heard that Russia already has one that they are trying to mass produce. Reports like this give me hope that the rest of the world can have vaccines soon. Several other countries, including the US, already have vaccines in human trials. A hospital in my state was looking for volunteers to test out a possible vaccine. If I didn’t have a mental illness, I probably would have signed up.
Been sleeping well lately. I usually sleep four or five hours at a time in the night. I usually wake at least once to visit the restroom. If I pace myself and stretch before I get out of bed, I can avoid the worst of the morning aches and pains. It does take a few minutes, but if I stretch my legs and back before I get out of bed I can get around alright in the mornings. I still take some advil with breakfast every morning. I usually take it only once a day. The daily aches and pains are about the only part of being middle age I don’t care for. I do miss my easy mobility but I do like the idea of becoming a wise elder. Maybe I can put my knowledge to work afterall.
Got some groceries this weekend. I was able to get the frozen meat I needed. I picked up some more cleaning supplies. I have an order of facemasks coming in a few days. Those have been tough getting.
Still spending all of my time at home. It’s starting to get to me a little. I find myself easily irritated and a little paranoid occasionally. Glad it doesn’t last long. I still sleep a great deal. I usually sleep ten hours a day now. I have started taking naps in the afternoon again.
Mornings are my toughest time for aches and pains. I don’t move as quickly as I used to. My aches are primarily in my knees. A few minutes of moving around seem to help as much as anything.
Haven’t been to a doctor since December. I imagine most doctors aren’t seeing anyone for anything unless it’s an emergency. I can’t imagine how tough this pandemic has been on mentally ill people without regular treatment. It’s tough enough for me and I take meds every day.
Been a good day so far. Bought some groceries. So I’m set food wise for a while. I was up pretty late last night. I’m still staying home all the time. I haven’t been off my complex’s property in a month. I haven’t had problems with boredom yet. I do have even more aches and pains the last few days, especially in my knees. The best thing for that seems to be stand up and walk around more often.
I am so grateful for home delivery right now. I’ve been getting my groceries and medications delivered to my home for a few years now. It worked so well that I quit driving my car. Having a phobia of driving made the decision to sell my car made the decision more easy. I haven’t driven a car in over six months. And I don’t miss it. My budget is thanking me now that I don’t have to buy gas two to three times per month. I haven’t even shopped in a Wal Mart or a mall for almost three years. Most of my house supplies I get either from Amazon or through my supermarket home delivery.
Been having bad knee pains the last few days. My mobility is more limited than usual. So I’ve been putting ice on my knee and taking it easy since this weekend. Sometimes I’m glad I don’t have to work a regular job and not just because of my mental illness.
Getting ready for winter, at least I was until my knee started acting up. Stocking up on canned food and peanut butter. So glad I don’t have food allergies as peanut butter is good and cheap emergency food that can keep for quite awhile. Bought a fleece blanket in addition to the blankets I already have. Been spending most of my evenings under a blanket and reading. I’m still lifting weights three times a week. Been doing this since the spring. I’m pretty sure I’ve lost weight but I don’t know how much. I know I’m down one size in clothing all around since the spring and I recover from aches and pains faster. The worst time for aches is right after I wake up in the mornings. Fortunately hot baths usually cure those.
My sleep patterns have changed, again. I usually go to bed around 11pm, wake up at 3 am and rattle around for a couple hours. Then I go back to sleep around 5 am and sleep until about 8 am. I don’t nap as much in the afternoons, usually only a couple times a week. My sleep patterns change with how my illness affects me. I usually sleep more when I’m distressed and having more frequent flare ups.
Fortunately haven’t had much for serious long lasting flare ups since this summer. I still get some a few times a week. Lots of caffeine can make these worse. So can socializing with rude and irritable people. Been avoiding people in person as much as possible lately. It just seems like people are more irritable and on edge than usual lately. I even avoid talking with some friends because it seems like they just want to do nothing but complain anymore. I’m sorry, but I have enough problems of my own and I’m not always stable. I avoid friends sometimes because I’m fearful of having flare ups and melt downs on them. I fear jeopardizing the friendship because I can’t process stress and negative vibes very well anymore. I’ve already lost a few friendships over the last few years because I can’t process negativity well. I don’t want to lose anymore.
It’s almost Independence Day in my country. And of course people are shooting off fireworks and making plans for cookouts already. I don’t have any real plans besides grill some bratwurst on my electric grill and watch fireworks from my apartment window. As it has been quite hot and humid the last several days, I have avoided going outside unless necessary. Of course I’m not getting much sunlight by staying indoors most of the time.
I’m a week into my new medications plan. I found out the hard way if I take them all at once like I have traditionally done, then I will want to do nothing but sleep for the next twelve hours. After a couple nights of that, I found out I had to break my medications into at minimum twice a day. So I usually take some of my medications when I eat breakfast and I take the ones that help me sleep at night before bed. After a week on these new meds I have found my self eating less than usual. And I have recently had an odd craving for cheese and milk. Maybe I haven’t been getting enough calcium the last several months. I’m also looking out for more non meat sources of proteins like beans. I now actually want to eat certain fruits like strawberries and blueberries. Too bad they are kind of pricey. It’s also too bad that most inexpensive foods aren’t very healthy. That could explain why so many poor people, at least the poor in the USA, are overweight.
As far as blood pressure goes, I knew for years it was only a matter of time before I ended up on blood pressure pills as that runs in my family. My father has taken blood pressure medications for years and he’s now in his early 70s. He also hasn’t had any heart attack or stroke problems. Hopefully I can make it to my 70s inspite mental illness and being overweight.
I’ve noticed a few changes already in this new treatment. It takes more to make me irritated. I’m less paranoid. I actually want to leave my apartment and interact with my fellow tennants. I’m better able to stay on top of household chores. I eat less than normal. I feel less tense. I have fewer unexplained aches and pains. About the only true drawbacks I noticed so far are that I want to sleep more if I’m not careful about when I take my meds and I have to use the rest room more often. I don’t know if that’s the meds or the fact I drink more water. I easily drink almost a gallon a water every day. But there are worse things than water to be consuming. For a few years I’ve been having nerve problems in my thigh that sometimes felt like burning electrical shocks. But those problems have all but gone away by now.
I still have to get some new furniture for my apartment. Most of the things I had were quite old and had to be replaced. I’m thinking of sweet talking my parents into letting me have one of their sofas. I also think I need a heavy duty recliner that I could sleep in if my back ever started hurting again. My living room is looking kind of bare with only a couple kitchen table chairs and my tv and a “coffee table” decorated to look like an old style travel trunk with all the stickers of places and resorts from around the world. That was my mother’s idea. I’m glad she talked me into putting those stickers on.
Overall things are going well. I’m gradually being cured of wanting to sleep all the time. And I’m also slowly being cured of my desire for sugared soda pop. Anymore if I want caffeine, I’ll have coffee or tea. I can hardly wait to see what the next few weeks bring.
I am no longer sleeping ten to twelve hours a day. Instead I’m now averaging about six to eight hours of sleep. Even though I usually sleep only three hours at a stretch, I still feel pretty rested overall. I’m getting a little more active with each passing day now the days are long and the weather is getting warmer. I have noticed I have some aches and pains, namely in my back and thighs that make walking for more than several minutes at a time painful. Obviously the inactivity of a hard winter took it’s toll on me. I changed my diet a couple weeks ago. I think I’m starting to notice some difference. I’m not as lethargic, I don’t get irritable as easily, I need less sleep, and I’m getting to where I actually want to socialize a little every day. I still have days I want to just stay home, read books, watch youtube, and play computer games. But with the better weather, I actually want to get out of the house.
I’m currently in the middle of my spring cleaning. It’s kind of slow going as I still have the unexplainable aches and pains that don’t allow me to work as long as I once could. Even as recently as five years ago I could spend several hours on my feet without a break. Not so anymore. I now understand why older workers aspire to desk jobs once their careers get going strong. At this point I’m glad I can do a blog while sitting down. I just can’t be on my feet all day like I could even a few years ago. I’m sure a lot of this is due to weight gain. And I gained the weight through inactivity while depressed and anxious. Many of the psych meds out there do have weight gain as a side effect. But I guess I would rather have a sharp and stable mind with a weakened body as the other way around. It’s sad that mental illness often involves trade offs like this.
I am adjusting to the warmer weather and increased activity of spring. It is a slow and sometimes painful process as my body doesn’t recover from pain as fast as it once did. I knew this was going to come eventually, but I was hoping I could have put it off for a few more years. It’s kind of a pity that I start falling apart physically right at the time I am figuring out what I’m good at and where I fit in society. But I suppose every one goes though this as they transition into middle age. I miss the vitality I had in my early twenties but I certainly don’t miss most of the younger years drama. I’m ready to move into mid life.
TheCertifiablyTRUERavingsOfASectionedPhilosopher: Don't be afraid to think you might be a little 'crazy'. Who isn't? Check out some of my visualized poems here: https://www.instagram.com/maxismaddened/