Signed up for home health services the last time I was at the doctor’s office. Yesterday, I saw the nurse who will be managing my case. This morning I visited with my physical therapist. She says my physical strength is good. Unfortunately my endurance is not near what is once was. As part of my baseline, I was able to walk only 3.5 minutes before I needed a break. She says my walking pace is good but the endurance is in need of increasing. I can stand up and sit down all right without aide as long as the chair is high enough off the ground. I do need to use my hands when sitting in my recliner as it sits lower than my office chair and couch. My rehab lady is a self described compassionate hard case, but that is the type I probably need.
After my car accident four years ago, I spent much time in depression and anxiety. As a result I stayed home most of the time and got almost no physical activity. So my endurance went down and I got more and more paranoid. The paranoia and bad health just fed on each other. I am lacking endurance because of my paranoia and I am paranoid because of my lack of endurance.
My sleep pattern has returned to normal. I usually go to bed around 9 or 10pm and wake up for good right at sunrise. I guess I’ve become a morning person since the weather turned colder. I don’t mind. I can socialize with my parents in the afternoon or late mornings as they are retired and I can socialize with my friends in the evenings after their work days.
I think today went alright, at least as far as first day of rehab goes. I have another aide coming in this afternoon. I’ll see where we go from there.
While it has been a rough last several days for myself I think I’m beginning to pull out of it. To help myself pull out I’ve been going to bed earlier, limiting myself to only one cup of coffee per day, avoiding foods that are tough on my stomach, trying to avoid less than positive people and news stories. As much research as I do online for the blog and my own intellectual nourishment, it can be a steep climb. Fortunately I’m getting back to where if I see a news story or a friend’s posting that irritates me I’ll be fine after a couple minutes of silent contemplation. I also spend more time meditating too. I usually have a couple times per day I just lay in bed with my cpap and just pay attention to my breathing. It seems like the best way to do meditation, at least for myself, is to not concern myself with whether I’m doing it right. It’s trying to reduce stress and calm down, not building a steel bridge. There probably isn’t one right way to do it for everyone. I don’t even really think of it as traditional meditation or prayer that much, I just look at it as decluttering my mind or taking out my mental garbage.
I am sorry for the blow ups I had over the last week. I wish I could find a more constructive and less threatening way to let go of my fears and anxiety. Yet I do know it could be worse. I could just have just as easily turned to alcohol, narcotics, gambling, arguing with complete strangers, etc. But in all my years with dealing with schizophrenia I have never laid a hand on anyone, no matter how bad it got. Hopefully I never go down that dark route.
During this time of increased distress for myself I am grateful to family and friends who haven’t given up on me. I know I can be real difficult to deal with some times. Hopefully that is all the illness and that I’m not a malicious man by nature. I have some friends who also deal with depression and anxiety issues. I also have friends stressed real bad over debts and stagnating careers. Right now for many things feel hopeless. It is easy for anger and depression to come into play in these cases.
I’m feeling more upbeat than I have in a while. My parents will be in town today. Hopefully they can help me get some things straightened out I have let slide over the last few months. I’m happy to be getting company. I don’t get company much anymore. Maybe moving to be near my brother and his family would be best for me. I do feel kind of apprehensive about the move as my brother and I have never gotten along. We are just complete opposites I guess. And my diseased mind makes it real tough to let go of the past sometimes. Having a near photographic memory doesn’t make things any better. But I just can’t do this life thing alone anymore.