Tag Archives: mental health

Making and Losing Friends and Mental Illness

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Keeping friends over the years while having schizophrenia has always been tough.  Even before I became mentally ill I had a hard time making friends.  But I am convinced that much of this was probably due to the environment I grew up in.  Most people in my hometown were farmers or cowboys.  I never did want to farm and the cowboy life never appealed to me.  So I guess by the time I went to college I was already behind my peers in terms of social skills.  Having schizophrenia hurt my social skills in that the illness could make me standoffish and not understanding normal people humor and activities.  I have always preferred reading and science pursuits over talking about sports, campus gossip, or whatever tv shows were trendy that season.  I am still this way.

As a result of my mental illness and the environment I grew up in, I never really did learn how to make friends easily.  I never did have normal interests so most of the friends I did make wouldn’t be considered normal either.  My best friend from college is a high school history teacher who is an avid sports fan.  He is also an avid reader of history, philosophy, economics, and classic literature.  Even though we haven’t been in college for over a dozen years, I still talk to him about once a week.  It’s not uncommon for our conversations to involve talking about baseball statistics, Austrian economics, medieval battle tactics, and the philosophy of Nietchze all in the same phone call.  He has never made an issue of me having a mental illness or not having traditional employment.  I don’t know if he regularly reads my blogs but he does think I’m doing a good thing with these writings.  He’s even suggested that it’s possible that if I keep writing, some big online blog service like Huffington Post or Breitbart might hire me.  A man can dream, right?  In short, friends like this don’t come along everyday and are worth holding onto.  My best friend from high school, she’s pretty much the same way.  Both of these people I may not get to see very often but I do keep in contact with.

Other people who I have friended over the years haven’t turned out so well.  I had one friend that I’ve been having a falling out with for months over aspects of my mental illness.  This former friend doesn’t seem to respect the fact that I don’t want to date.  I’ve dated before while working through a mental illness.  It sucks.  Dating is supposed to be enjoyable.  What I went through wasn’t.  As far as love goes, that’s what family is for.  As far as sex goes, well I’m not a dog in that I can’t live without sex.  Surprise, surprise; there are men who aren’t interested in having sex all the time.  And the older I get the less interest I have in sex.

This person also doesn’t respect the fact that I don’t hold a regular job.  First of all, when I did work a regular job, there were days I would have panic attacks while on the job and even before I went to work.  Many days these panic attacks were so bad I would vomit from the anxiety.  I would also get physically ill from the stress and anxiety I would feel at work with schizophrenia.  And dealing with office politics, well that was super stressful in itself.  In short, I never want to hold a regular job again considering all the problems it caused me.  I’ll go to prison before I go back to work.

So for any person to even infer that I’m wasting my life not being at some minimum wage drudgery that’s going to get automated in a few years anyway, well that’s not the kind of respect friends show for each other.  I can’t be friends with anyone who doesn’t respect me or my decisions.  And I especially can’t respect anyone who thinks I’m not “doing my part” or not “being a productive member of society” just because I don’t hold some nonsense job that a machine can do hundreds of times better.  Let the machines have all the damned jobs as far as I’m concerned.  I spent most of my life listening to people gripe and moan about how much they hated their jobs, as if it was an honor to hate your job, hate your boss, hate your coworkers, and hate your customers.  Any wonder why millions of American jobs got outsourced overseas?  After spending years fighting a mental illness and years trying to work in spite a mental illness, I don’t want to go back into the toxic work environment.  It wrecks havoc on my mental stability.  And if anyone can’t respect my decision, then screw them.  I don’t want people like that in my life.

 

Spring Routines

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I’m glad that spring is finally back.  I’ve been getting outside a little more often, I’m keeping my place a little cleaner, I’m watching baseball most nights, and I’m even eating less too.  I’m still not as physically active as I would like but I think it’s starting to come back.  After my car accident in October 2015 I gained back most of the weight I had lost in the previous two years.  I think I’m finally back on the right track.  Since I still don’t have a great deal of stamina yet, I’m cutting back on calories as much as I can.  This means I’m giving up most sugar and eating meat only once a day.  I am also doing my best to avoid fried foods.  After several weeks of eating less than usual, I think I’m in a new routine.  I can’t even eat as much as I could last summer.  One of my problems was, after my accident, I got depressed and lost much of my confidence.  From there I just got lazy and ate a lot.  I have made efforts over the last several weeks to break out of this vicious cycle.  And I think I’m starting to see results.

I’ve also noticed my habits are getting better too.  During the winter I had gotten kind of lazy about shaving and cleaning up as there were entire days I didn’t leave my apartment complex.  I’m back into good habits like these again.  I would hate to think I let my personal appearance slide just because I was depressed by lousy weather.  But mental illness can do odd things to a person.

I’m starting to socialize some again.  Not so much with my neighbors as I am family and old friends.  I still don’t enjoy the fact that many of my neighbors are grumpy and irritable most of the time.  I have been around that kind of negativity for years and I don’t want it dragging me down.  I spent enough of my life being depressed, irritable, and a pessimist.  I just don’t want that anymore.

Change in Seasons and Change in Routines

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Spring started a few days ago.  We’re starting to get more rain and the weather is warming up.  Saw my first lightning of the season yesterday.  My fantasy baseball league had it’s draft last night.  Since we’re spread out all over the country now we have to have our league hosted by yahoo.  It’s been an annual tradition for me for the last ten years.  I’ve never won my league as I’m pretty average compared to the eleven other guys in our league.  It’s a diversion for me and an excuse to pay attention to games I wouldn’t normally watch.  The first baseball games start the first Monday in April.  Winter is over.

I saw my psych doctor earlier this week.  According to his scale I gained a pound since my last appointment six weeks earlier.  Hopefully I have stopped the losing streak in terms of gaining weight.  Unfortunately I have gained a lot of weight since my car accident a year and a half ago.  For a long time I was afraid to drive and didn’t go anywhere except to buy groceries and run errands.  I can tell the lack of socializing has hurt me.  I know I’m less patient with people then I used to be.  I am not as spontaneous as I used to be either.

I complained to my psych doctor about my lethargy and lack of motivation.  We increased the doses of some of my medications.  He also suggested I buy some probiotic pills.  He had read a lot of literature stating that people with mental illness problems often have gut health issues too.  He said that gut health and mental health can affect each other.  After a few days on the probiotic pills, I’m noticing I am having some more energy.  I am also not sleeping as much even after only a few days.  I am also having fewer unexplained aches and pains.  I hope this only continues to improve.  My only true complaint about the probiotic pills is they are pricey.  But I am starting to feel better and more energetic overall.

As stable as I usually am during the winter, I am glad that winter is over.  The weather is starting to warm up and I’m not just wanting to stay home and hide out all the time.  I am feeling a sense of hopefulness for the first time in months.  I really think things are starting to settle down.  I haven’t had much settled for me for a long time.  This sense of normalcy is a welcome relief.

Spring Cleaning and Changes

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Spent the last couple days cleaning my apartment and car.  I didn’t drive much this winter except to buy groceries and pick up fast food, so it was just a matter of throwing out some trash in my car.  I’ve gotten rid of a lot of clutter in my apartment.  I still have a couple more days of decluttering.  But since the weather is supposed to warm up by the end of the week, I think I can get a great deal done.

My nephews and niece are visiting my parents for a few days over spring break.  I saw them yesterday and took them to a Mexican restaurant.  Had a good chat with the kids and my parents.  I hadn’t seen any family in person since Christmas.  It was a good change to my routine.

While I still sleep kind of late most mornings, I have found myself sleeping less the last several days.  Now that spring is on the way and the weather is starting to warm, I am getting more sunlight.  I feel better because of the better weather.  I definitely no longer feel the need to just stay inside for entire days.

Mentally I have been quite stable for weeks.  I think it helps that I am getting plenty of sleep, eating more healthy, and avoiding stressful people and situations.  I hope I can keep this kind of stability up.

Been experimenting with my diet for the last few days.  I haven’t eaten meat for several days and I’m also avoiding wheat and gluten.  My stomach is more settled and I feel like I have a little more energy than a week ago.  I have fewer aches and pains too.

I still have some cleaning to do in my apartment.  I had gotten a little lazy about keeping the place up over the winter.  Even though I usually feel mentally stable in the winter, I am also quite a bit lazier too.

I have an appointment with my psych doctor next week.  The medications I have been on for the last year seem to be working well.  I don’t see any changes in those coming.  I guess that I have weathered another winter and will be looking forward to warmer weather within the next couple weeks.

Beginnings of Spring and New Routines

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Even though it’s been a little more winter like the last few days, I can tell that spring is on the way.  I’m starting to sleep less and even wake up earlier.  I haven’t pulled an all nighter in over a week.  I’m starting to do grocery shopping at night like I did in the past instead of at like 3 am.  I’m chatting with friends more and starting to sort out my apartment.  I had gotten lazy about cleaning since Christmas, so that was needing to change.

Mentally I’m as stable as I have been in a long time.  I still don’t socialize much in person even if I make it a point to leave my apartment several times a day.  Sometimes I leave for something as simple as getting soda pop at the convenience store just to get out of my apartment.  I haven’t had any real bad flare ups for weeks.  I don’t know if it’s because I don’t socialize that much or if I’m settling into a calm period.  Late winters and springs are usually the most stable times of year for me.  Late summers and early falls are always tough.

In other news, my niece and three nephews are coming to Nebraska for a few days over spring break.  I haven’t seen those kids since last summer.  It’ll be fun to touch base with them.  I don’t get to see them very often.  I do wish I lived closer to my brother and his family.  Even though my brother and I weren’t close when we were growing up, I still think it’s important to keep touch with family members.  Besides my parents are in their late 60s and they aren’t getting any younger.  After a friend of mine told me her mom had cancer, it made me realize that easily could be my parents struggling with their health.  And it got me thinking about my own health.  Working against a chronic mental illness for twenty years has taken a toll on my physical health.  I don’t get sick with viruses or infections very often, but I can tell I don’t have the physical strength I had even ten years ago.  And people with schizophrenia tend to have shorter life spans to begin with.  I can tell the stress of the mental illness is starting to wear me down.  There is a connection between mental health and physical health I am convinced.

The winter is essentially over.  We will probably have a couple more snows but they won’t be the type that stay around for weeks.  I’m already starting to make plans for spring.  And I’ll probably start spring cleaning and maintenance next week.  I have a couple projects I need to get done that I’ve been putting off for weeks.  It’s time to come out of my hibernation and winter exile.

End of Winter

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The weather is starting to warm up and the days are getting longer.  Spring will be in full effect within a few weeks.  I am enjoying the warmer weather.  I’m getting out of my apartment a few times a day to enjoy the warmer weather.  During the course of the winter I have gotten lazy about cleaning my apartment.  So a few days worth of spring cleaning is in order.  Unfortunately I let my house kind of slide for the colder winter months.

Baseball will also be starting in a few weeks.  I still have several days to do some research before I have to pick my fantasy league baseball team.  Been watching a few pre season games the last few days.  First time I really watched regular tv since the Super Bowl.  February has always been a slow time of year for me.

Been feeling pretty stable mentally overall.  I have started to wake up earlier as I no longer sleep until noon every day.  I don’t sleep as much and I think my body and mind are starting to reenter spring mode again.  I’m not staying up as late either.  Seems to me that my overnight mentality is strongest in the darker days of winter.

I can tell that spring is almost here and winter is all but done.  The weather is warming up, the nights aren’t as long, daylight saving time will begin next weekend in my country, the trees are starting to bud, the grass is a little greener, and it seems that the people around me are getting in better moods as the weather warms and the days get longer.  I had dealt with so many foul moods over the last few months I pretty much isolated for most of the winter.  I just didn’t want to deal with angry people anymore.  But even the people in my life are starting to act more cheerful and optimistic.

Even though I have been making a point to leave my apartment several times every day I still haven’t worked up to taking an extended road trip.  I haven’t been outside of my town since last fall.  I actually made it through the winter with having to fill my gas tank only once I drove so little this winter.  But I think since the weather is starting to warm I may have to make a few trips.  It has gotten old spending most of my time at home and having the bulk of my social interactions taking place over phone and internet.

I am looking forward to spring.  I am glad that winter is all but over.  Won’t be long now.

Odd Sleep Patterns With Mental Illness

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I have been experiencing changes in my sleep patterns the last several weeks.  I now usually stay up quite late and sleep in the mornings until usually noon.  But I still get my sleep and am still able to do this blog two to three times per week.  I am still able to socialize with friends and family in spite of my mornings being when I now sleep.  I have adjusted to this new routine by doing my shopping and errands at night and scheduling my medical appointments for late afternoons.  I look at it as no different than working a nigh shift job.  My mother worked night shifts for years so I think it runs in the family.

Oddly I actually have felt more stable and calm during the last few weeks.  Because of my overnight schedules I have been able to avoid problem neighbors whom have been causing me grief and irritation.  The fact that I rarely hear from irritable and angry neighbors has made my stress levels go way down.  I haven’t felt this calm and relaxed in a real long time.

Even though I’m not getting a great deal of physical activity as it’s still winter, I have found myself eating less.  Most days I eat only two meals, drink a lot of water, and have a couple cups of coffee.  I have found that caffeine can be an appetite suppressant for me.  But if I have more than two cups of coffee at a time it can make me jittery and irritable.  And I think I’ve even started to lose weight again because I’m eating much less.

I haven’t had problems with hallucinations and delusional thoughts lately.  I think it helps that I still get good sleep, avoid stressful people and situations, and just pretty much have settled into a routine that has been helpful for the course of the winter.

My sleep patterns do vary throughout the year.  During the summers I am often awake shortly after dawn and usually don’t sleep as much as the winters.  I sleep the most and stay up the latest in the winters.  But it evens out as winters are usually slow and uneventful times for me.  I usually have my worst problems with schizophrenia in late summers and early autumns.  I don’t know if it’s common for someone with my diagnosis to have seasonal aspects to the illness.

As of right now I am happy with my patterns and routines.  I can still get things done and I don’t get bothered by irritable people as much as I normally do.  I imagine as the days get warmer and longer I probably will start waking up earlier and hibernate less.

Winter Routines and Loneliness

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Haven’t written in awhile.  But I guess I haven’t had much to report.  Been quite stable for a few weeks now.  I still sleep a great deal, mainly after I stay awake quite late.  I haven’t really gone anywhere for most of the winter.  We haven’t had as much snow as previous years and we have probably seen the worst winter is going to offer.  It did help that our traditional mid winter thaw was longer than usual, lasting almost two weeks.  I was able to spend more time outside and been out of my apartment more the last two weeks.  We have probably only a month of cold and icy weather left before spring comes into full effect.

It’s been a quiet and lonely winter for me.  I haven’t had house guests since Christmas and I haven’t had much for conversation with my neighbors this winter.  I think my social skills are deteriorating as a result.  But I have gotten to where I actually prefer to be alone with my thoughts, my writings, my computers, and my reading and research.  And I have gotten to where I really don’t mind sleeping ten hours a day.  I imagine as the days continue to get longer I’ll start sleeping less.  I usually sleep a lot in winter.

I haven’t really been depressed or irritable for weeks now.  I don’t know if this is because I avoid socializing or just avoid confrontations overall.  I still don’t watch any traditional tv and haven’t for weeks.  If it wasn’t for my video games I wouldn’t even own a tv.  Overall I’m getting by on little in terms of material possessions and trying to enjoy everyday as much as possible.

 

Relax

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Been kind of rough for me the last several days.  It’s been rough for a lot of people these days.  But that is not what this post is going to be about.  We all need a little cheering up.  For all my friends and family who keep posting good news about what else is going on around us, I thank you.  For my eccentric friends who post on science and technology, you have my thanks.  I saw in my newsfeed this afternoon a scientist in California is thinking about running for the U.S. Senate in 2018.  To which I say good.  We need more leaders who understand the positives and potential drawbacks to our rapidly advancing technology and science.  I see that just in the first month of 2017 alone, scientists have figured out how to use cultured stem cells to treat leukemia in babies.  I have seen that real life Iron Man Elon Musk is attempting to build his Hyperloop transport systems.  I have seen that scientists at Kansas State University have figured out how to mass produce graphene, which is much stronger, lighter, and more flexible than steel.  If this does pan out, graphene will prove to be to steel what steel was to iron or bronze was to stone tools.

I once wrote that regardless of who gets elected to public offices, science and tech advances won’t stop.  Science and tech keeps advancing, even if not as much in your home country as other places.  I should learn to relax.  We all should learn to relax.  We have violence and protesters now, we had violence and protesters back in the 1960s and even 1860s.  We got out of those messes.  We will get out our current mess.  It was said by a man much wiser than I am, “men go mad in mass but only come to their senses individually.”  People will come to their senses, maybe not as fast I would prefer.  But they will.  Relax.  The lights are still on, the water is still available, the internet is still up, and scientists and engineers are always solving problems.

Health Routines In Winter With Mental Illness

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Weather has been nicer the last few days so I’ve been getting out a little more.  Got restocked in time for the next round of snow to come through.  I’ve been kind of lazy about writing more recently.  But that’s really because I haven’t had much to report.  I’ve been quite stable for a long time now.  This is the longest unbroken period of stability I’ve had in almost two years.  My mental health loves it but my writing routine is suffering because of the stability.

I’ve been eating less the last few weeks than usual.  But that is by design.  Even though I’m still not exercising very much, I am noticing small differences from the last few weeks.  I make it a point to leave my apartment and drive my car a little each day.  I used to go two to three days in a row without driving, especially early in the winter when it was so cold.

About the only real complaint I have is I sleep more than I would like.  I usually stay up quite late and then sleep most of the morning.  Some days I even sleep past noon.  Needless to say this messes with my routines and my socializing.  Since it still gets dark early I usually don’t get much sunlight.  Sure I can read and get a lot done in the overnight hours, but I don’t get to socialize much because of my odd sleep patterns.  I still get enough sleep and I keep mentally stable.  It’s too bad I have no one to share this stability with outside of the internet.